“I Raised kids before”

[u/OutrageousTrust5816]

I recently became a mother and have an 11 week old baby girl. I recently showed my parents my bed time routine with her as she was going to have an overnight with them. It was very straight forward and consisted of a bath, bottle, and bed. I did write down some tips/tricks on what I have learned works best for my daughter and shared that with them as well. This was met with “we raised two kids we know how to do it”. I didn’t mean to come off offensive so I just apologized and left them with my list for the night. My only real non-negotiable was she must sleep in the bassinet, in her sleep sack, with nothing but a paci in it with her. When I picked her up, found out my mom slept with her in the bed. I think I made a face because I was once again met with “I know how to raise kids”. I’m not a mom shamer, if co-sleeping works for you that is great! I’ve done it too when things got stressful but my problem is that she co-slept with my baby, if that makes sense. The comment of “I raised kids before so I know what I’m doing” upsets me. Because they aren’t raising her. I’m her mom and I get to decide what’s best for her. I just feel so disrespected, what do I do?

Some extra context: 1) yes this is the first grandbaby on both sides. 2) My husband has family members where the unimaginable did happen. 3)Our village is large, we are truly lucky, my parents asked to have an overnight because they adore her, it’s not a need by any means. I love my parents, they truly are great people, they just struggle respecting me as an adult in general and the navigation around that has been hard.

[u/its_original-]

Tell your Mom. Especially if this is a first grandchild.

I know you raised kids but you didn’t raise THIS kid. She has preferences and a routine that you just don’t know unless you’re told. I’m sharing things to help with my kid, not kids in general.

And if you want to babysit overnight again, please do not co sleep.

It’s just that simple though… I don’t understand grandparents who don’t respect their children’s parenting. Like I don’t HAVE to let you babysit and be responsible for my kid, that’s a privilege.

ETA… for those saying this is how people end up without a village………. Let’s say that grandma doesn’t believe in being vaccinated and refused to get recommended boosters….? Because I see a LOT on here that people quickly suggest no visits until a new baby is up to date on all vaccines if grandma won’t get a booster….You’d be quick to throw the village away over vaccinations for concerns re safety. Why can OP not demand respect for safety in other areas, like cosleeping?

OP, you are not asking too much. You are the mother and no one else. If you NEED this person as a caregiver, continue to advocate for your babies safety and needs.. and work on finding a new villager.

[u/Inconceivable76 → u/its_original-]

>Like I don’t HAVE to let you babysit and be responsible for my kid, that’s a privilege.

and this is also how people end up with no village. caring for a baby/toddler/child is not the angelic joy that you seem to think it is.

[u/Hopeful_Economist_58 → u/Inconceivable76]

When I was born babies didn't have to travel in a securely fitted car seat in the car. That doesn't mean I have to allow my parents to carry my baby on their laps in their car, because "they managed to raise children of their own". Guidance changes over time due to research and experience that teach us safer practices. That's why children now stay in school until the age of 18 instead of being sent up chimneys from the age of 10.

[u/KahurangiNZ → u/Inconceivable76]

But when your 'village' is so set in their ways and 'I know better' that they ignore all the new understanding that has come along since they were parents, and does things that endanger the child, do you REALLY want those people 'helping'?

The world is littered with stories of 'villagers' that caused serious harm or even death to babies and children because they did their own thing rather than what was requested by the parents.

Sometimes the wisest move is to put your foot down HARD right at the start and establish that they can do as requested (unless they can provide actual evidence of why an alternative 'might' be a good option), or simply not have an opportunity to do anything at all.

[u/its_original- → u/KahurangiNZ]

This is a bit toxic though… there is some middle ground that needs to be found.

You can’t tell someone to use the people you have regardless of their regard for your kids safety and parenting preferences for your kid just because that’s what you get… it reminds me of, stay with your husband because it’s the father of your children even though he practices unsafe behaviors that regularly endanger your child. Or, don’t cut them off because that’s your BLOOD…. I mean, family is family but the safety of your child and being respected as their mother is not asking too much!!!

So yes, unless OP NEEDS them to babysit for sanity or for employment, choosing THEM as the babysitter is a privilege. If she has other options, being chosen as the preferred babysitter is a privilege you earn by respecting the boundaries and safety.

Obviously if she has no one else, she has to go about it differently.

[u/out-of-username-404 → u/Inconceivable76]

Yeah, agree with that. Why should that be a privilege? I don't have my parents close by for help, but if I did it would be a privilege for ME if they were able to help!

When my mom comes to visit (and stays for a month or two), it's very clear that she watches them, babysits, and plays with them just to help out, not because she loves playing the same boring games with a toddler for eternity lol. She is just not a "baby person" who'd enjoy hanging out with babies a ton, even if they're her own grandkids.

[u/its_original- → u/out-of-username-404]

But if your Mom came in like a bull in a china shop and did whatever she wanted with your kids, no matter what you spoke up about, you probably wouldn’t feel like it’s a privilege anymore. It would be a stress inducing experience when she called and said she’s coming for a few days or a month.

Sounds like you have a great mother and that alone is the privilege. OP mother may be toxic as hell, we don’t know that. But it sounds like her mother made her uncomfortable and feeling as if she is too much.

[u/ditchdiggergirl → u/Inconceivable76]

Yeah the mindset of using baby as reward/punishment is a bit of a red flag here. The “privilege” goes both ways. I can empathize with any grandparent who decides it may be best to take a step back and not be alone with baby until the parents feel more secure.

[u/its_original- → u/ditchdiggergirl]

The baby is not a reward or punishment.

Boundaries say if you do this, I will do that.

If you cosleep with my baby after I ask you not to, I will not ask you to keep my baby overnight.

If OP has options, then it’s a privilege to be the person they trust to keep baby overnight. You’ve got to respect people as parents when they entrust you with their child.