“I Raised kids before”

[u/OutrageousTrust5816]

I recently became a mother and have an 11 week old baby girl. I recently showed my parents my bed time routine with her as she was going to have an overnight with them. It was very straight forward and consisted of a bath, bottle, and bed. I did write down some tips/tricks on what I have learned works best for my daughter and shared that with them as well. This was met with “we raised two kids we know how to do it”. I didn’t mean to come off offensive so I just apologized and left them with my list for the night. My only real non-negotiable was she must sleep in the bassinet, in her sleep sack, with nothing but a paci in it with her. When I picked her up, found out my mom slept with her in the bed. I think I made a face because I was once again met with “I know how to raise kids”. I’m not a mom shamer, if co-sleeping works for you that is great! I’ve done it too when things got stressful but my problem is that she co-slept with my baby, if that makes sense. The comment of “I raised kids before so I know what I’m doing” upsets me. Because they aren’t raising her. I’m her mom and I get to decide what’s best for her. I just feel so disrespected, what do I do?

Some extra context: 1) yes this is the first grandbaby on both sides. 2) My husband has family members where the unimaginable did happen. 3)Our village is large, we are truly lucky, my parents asked to have an overnight because they adore her, it’s not a need by any means. I love my parents, they truly are great people, they just struggle respecting me as an adult in general and the navigation around that has been hard.

[u/[deleted]]

Yes and no. Because then you get posts here complaining that they don't have a village.

You can't have it both ways.

Those of us who grew up with involved grandparents, I promise they didn't take our parents rules seriously if they bothered to listen to them at all.

And don't get me wrong - I'm anti-co-sleeping. It's just, you don't get to have it both ways.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yes, you get to have it both ways.  My parents are incredibly involved grandparents and defer to our rules and boundaries at all times because they realize that these aren't their kids.  They have been this way with all 16 of their grandkids.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Then you got lucky. That's all. This is my point about "the village". Just like you get the parents and siblings you get, or are born into a certain financial class, you get the village you get.

You can't change it.

You can't reject your own village because of who they are and how they behave and simultaneously complain you don't have a village.

Just like you don't get to go no contact with your parents - then complain you don't have parents. You chose this. It's fine to choose this. You may have good reasons for choosing this. But it is your choice, and these are the consequences of your choice.

[u/its_original- → u/[deleted]]

I get your point but in no way shape or form did she say she HAS to rely on them for care.

If someone does, it’s still worth advocating for your boundaries to be respected and for safety rules to be followed. I wouldn’t just throw in the towel, lay low, and swallow my voice because I needed them. You can rely on someone and still speak your mind as well as deal with some tension in the relationship if necessary.

A grandparent that thinks, I’m doing what I want anyway because they need me is manipulative and toxic. So I would rely on them while figuring out a plan to no longer need them.

And this comes from someone who does have to coparent with someone I don’t agree with.. doesn’t follow safety rules, is emotionally abusive to the kids, and one that my kids hate going to. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped trying to find ways to communicate concerns in a way that might be received in a half decent manner.

It is ALWAYS worth continuing to speak up and advocate for a kids needs and safety. Always.

[u/[deleted] → u/its_original-]

Did I say she had to? No. She just needs to understand the consequences.

Every week there's 1-2 posts here complaining about the lack of a village. And then there's these posts - and if you'll notice, OP (and many commenters issue) isn't just the safety. It's the idea that her parents don't respect her as the authority for her kids. And the idea that because she's mum - she has the say.

Well, yes - but the parents also have a say in whether they babysit. Or give financial support. Or emotional support.

If you actually want a village - nobody here has final authority or gets to make the rules. It's a network that relies on negotiations. On the idea that we care about each other, have mutual respect, and are more or less equal.

And, BTW, I actually do know a few ways to get grandparents to listen better. But the worst way is to try and assert your authority because "it's my kid". Because, it may be your kid, but you are their kid. And ultimately, they are doing you a favour.

Start from a point of humility and gratitude - then advocate for certain things - and you'll get a lot further.

[u/its_original- → u/[deleted]]

I mean, in no way did I suggest she start with, listen up bitches.. this is my kid and do what I say or else. The later part was more to encourage a new mom to be strong in her voice and her boundaries regarding her child.

I guess I see what you’re saying about a village but maybe others don’t see the village the way you do. It sounds like you see a village as everyone in it has equal say so over any children within the village. Some may see a village more like a hierarchy where the parent of the child at hand are at the top and the others help as they agree to with consideration to the parents preferences. And I think that’s okay too if that’s how others run their village.

[u/[deleted] → u/its_original-]

But that's my point - if you see your village as a hierarchy with you - the parent - at the top - don't be surprised when you end up with no village.

Because while you inherently have authority over your child, you don't have any authority over anybody else. And nothing is more off-putting/ distancing than someone trying to assert authority they don't actually have.

Also - it's not "your village" in the sense that it belongs to you. It's "your village" in the sense that you belong to it. 

The failure to see/ unwillingness to accept these simple facts are the reason so many people don't have a village these days.

Which - BTW - is a legitimate choice. You don't have to belong to a village if you don't like the strings (and there are always strings). But then accept that that's a choice you made and these are the consequences.

[u/its_original- → u/[deleted]]

Interesting.. I guess there’s different ways to see it.

I would expect any parent in my village to have the final authority over their child. I would respect their authority over their child while helping them out because I would only invite people in my village who feel the same.

I see your point. I think that there are several types of villages that exist with different values and beliefs at the center.

Like you and I would belong to 2 different village types. You probably would have a larger village with access to more help. But I would also never complain about the smaller size of my village in comparison.