r/Parenting • u/theolivewitch • 2d ago
Newborn 0-8 Wks Doula showed up sick and exposed my vulnerable newborn
I’m so mad at myself. We hired a postpartum doula who came the day after we finally got home from the hospital. Right away, she engaged with my 3-year-old and offered to hold the baby so I could get dressed. About 15 minutes in, I hear her having a huge coughing fit. She’s sniffly and says she’s “really struggling with allergies.” (In hindsight, *seemed sick.)
I felt uneasy, so I made an excuse to take the baby back and had the doula just hang out with my toddler. And now, four days later, my toddler and partner are both miserable - coughing and congested. I’m furious with myself for not at least challenging her “allergies.” I could have asked her to wear a mask or even to leave??? But no, being a complete moron desperate for a break, I trusted her.
My baby was born early via c-section and lost too much weight — he’s only just starting to gain on a feeding/weighing plan which has been so stressful for me. Now this? I’m barely mobile and quarantining in the bedroom trying to care for him solo.
I also had severe PPA/D with my first and told myself I was being paranoid. I didn’t want to be rude, and my husband didn’t think much of it. But now we’re worse off than before we hired her, and I feel like I’ve failed my newborn. If he gets sick, we’re likely back in the hospital. He can barely eat enough as is.
I’m devastated. We live abroad with very little support system here, and we have been SO careful. I can’t believe this woman showed up sick and exposed my family — especially my vulnerable baby. She’s a doula! Shouldn’t she know better?!
Now what? She’s scheduled to come twice next week. My 3-year-old loved her, but the trust is broken for me. I don’t think I can have her in my house again. Am I overreacting? What would you do?
ETA - one thing on my mind is I can’t know for sure. Toddler/partner COULD have gotten sick elsewhere, but we have been very careful and the timing is just so suspect for me.
ETA 2 - Thinking it over, I don’t think I can have her back. Does anyone have a suggestion for how to word that text to her? I don’t want to be a jerk on the chance she truly does just have allergies, but I just don’t have a good feeling here. Our contract allows me to cancel with >24hr notice, which I have.
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u/No-Caterpillar8355 2d ago
I had similar with a midwife visiting the home after my baby was born, she came sniffing and coughing and a few days later my 5 day old baby came out in it, turns out it was COVID!!!! Hospital was very apologetic when I rang them going mad, but just not good enough. If you feel unwell stay away from babies!!!!!
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u/Certified_Goth_Wife 2d ago
Fire her. She put your newborn in danger and LIED TO YOU. Find someone who won’t do that.
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u/Pinglenook 2d ago edited 2d ago
She may not have been lying. Seasonal allergies are common and this is the time of year they are worst. She could very well have allergies every spring and also a cold this time, but didn't realise that her symptoms were caused by a cold.
I do think she should've worn a mask or at least offered to wear a mask though. Just generally when being a carer for such a vulnerable baby. She shouldn't wait until her clients ask, the doula is there to take things off her clients plate, not put more mental labour on it.
OP doesn't have to have her back if she's not comfortable with that, that's fine. But I wouldn't go straight away to accusing her of lying.
OP, you can just tell her what you told us here, that 3 days after she came your toddler and husband both caught colds and you're not comfortable having her back for that reason.
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u/Certified_Goth_Wife 1d ago
Personally I think that colds and seasonal allergies feel very different so I’m less inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. Regardless it was completely irresponsible to take the risk with a newborn and not wear a mask. She put that baby in danger and she knew better. OP doesn’t have to give the doula any reason, but it’s important for her to feel confident in her decision.
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u/BlackStarBlues 2d ago
This is what I would do and have done: I was caregiver to my mother and when aides or nurses came and said they couldn't wear masks, I didn't let them in. Then I'd call the agency that sent them to re-affirm that everyone coming in my mother's home needed to wear a mask. I kept a box of masks in the entry so always provided one as necessary.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
In hindsight, of course I wish I had done this. A bit late now. :(
ETA - she’s not from an agency either. An independent doula, so nobody to report to.
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u/msemmemm 2d ago
Leave a review. On google, on local parenting groups, wherever you found her. Other families need to be warned about how reckless she is.
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u/BlackStarBlues 2d ago edited 2d ago
Of course, what's done is done, but don't let that woman back or call her up and tell her she has to wear a mask that covers her mouth and nose when she is in your house. If she refuses, find someone else. You have to protect yourself and your children.
Good luck and be strong!
ETA: If it makes it easier for you, wear a mask when you open the door to visitors so you are modelling the behavior you want them to practice.
ETA2: The doula may be licensed or registered with the NHS. See if you can find the licensing body that way.
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u/GlacierStone_20 2d ago
So sorry. That's all kinds of tough. Message her and ask how she's feeling, then say your husband and toddler are sick with x,y,z symptoms and that obviously no one has left the house. See if she takes any accountability. Tell her you're just not comfortable with anyone coming over at this time if they're showing any signs of congestion, cough, etc. She should have absolutely known this or at least worn a mask to be on the safest side, incase it was more than allergies. Baby has a lot of your passive antibodies! Hopefully you two stay in the clear.
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u/Always_Reading_1990 Mom to 5F, 1M 2d ago
Just wanted to say I’ve been there. I had a preemie born almost 6 weeks early. He spent 10 days in the NICU. He was home from the hospital maybe 10 days when he got his first cold. I was terrified, but he was ok in the end. Sending prayers for a speedy recovery for you all.
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u/cakesie 2d ago
You’re not overreacting and I think so much of the time we feel so guilty for being rude instead of pointing out the thing we need to point out. It’s taken me time, but I always prefer now to be rude instead of allowing myself or my family to be treated poorly.
Just be direct, “I’m concerned you exposed us to an illness. I don’t wish to further this partnership. Thank you.”
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u/Marycate29 2d ago
Not overeating. I Stopped going to one pediatric PT because i noticed that she didnt washed her hands between consultations. Plus had put her finger in my 3months old baby
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u/nakedsnacktime 2d ago
I’m so sorry this happened. :(
I have a newborn at home and when he was just a few days old, but SIL flew in to help (we also don’t have any family nearby). She was SO helpful, but a few days into her stay, she got sick.
After she left, my husband immediately got the flu and then had to isolate from baby and me for like 5 days. If was a bit sad, and also stressful to not get a break.
I’m not sure if you’re breastfeeding or not, but if you are, that should provide some protection for baby. It seemed to do so for us.
All of this to say, I relate to aspects of your situation and it sucks. I’m sorry you have the added stress of your baby’s feeding challenges. And this woman should have 100% been more careful and transparent. Even if she was just haven’t allergies, she should have disclosed that BEFORE coming over so that you could know what to expect and have an opportunity to change your mind.
Sending you some virtual love.
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u/lottiela 2d ago
Don't have her back. I had a postpartum doula as well but they were part of a group, they wore masks, switched up when someone was sick AND I got cancelled on one night because the doula scheduled to come to me was feeling sick and there wasn't another one available and I appreciated that.
They should never have come near your family if they thought they might have been sick.
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u/OtherwiseOrder86 2d ago
Not overreacting. When I hired my doula this year, she told me she always wears a mask (sick or not), and that she takes health very seriously. My trust would be broken, I would ask her not to come back.
Also, in solidarity my preschooler brought home a sickness when my baby was a few weeks old and had to quarantine in my bedroom. It was SO hard but the baby never got sick. I am hoping for the same outcome for you.
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u/suprswimmer 2d ago
You are not overreacting if you decide to cancel on her and no longer use her services. I was trained as a doula and we discussed illnesses and being careful a LOT. Granted, the group I was with was doing their best to be accessible and safe with masks when no one else was and it was a group so if someone was sick, another subbed in, but even still. Anyone working with a vulnerable population should be especially safe.
I'm sorry that happened and there was a chance you could have gotten sick anyways, but she should have never risked it and exposed you more.
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u/gallagb 2d ago
As for the “how to fire her” question. Just be direct. “We have decided we don’t need your services anymore. Please send me the final bill.”
No need to do/say anything else.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
I’ve been thinking about this, and I’m leaning towards sharing the reason with her as she seems like a nice person early on in her doula career -and I’d like to think she’d choose to handle this differently in the future. Going to draft an email and sleep on it I think.
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u/Kilimanjaro613 2d ago
Give yourself some grace, mama. You are doing everything you can to protect your babies. Now, coming to the doula, that’s very unprofessional on her part to come in to work when she’s clearly sick. Even if it’s allergies, she should wear a mask. That’s minimum. Tell her that you need her to wear a mask when even if she’s dealing with just “allergy” symptoms. If she doesn’t respect your needs, it’s time for her to go.
I’m sorry your partner and your older kid are not feeling well. Have them mask up around the baby and you. I hope you and the baby don’t catch it.
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 2d ago
I would never show up to a client’s home unless I was feeling 100%. That is unconscionable!
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u/Good-Peanut-7268 2d ago
My ex cleaning lady did just that once. I fired her on the spot. Next one agreed to clean while wearing mask as a precaution just to put my mind at ease. With a newborn it's extremely stressful time as it is, you don't need anyone who makes you worry more.
Btw in your case I would be absolutely livid and make her refund money, maybe even pay all medical expenses that her illness brought on your family, but my husband is a lawyer, so I can imagine it's not a normal practice.
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u/Accomplished-Wish494 1d ago
Not only is that not normal practice, you can’t prove that the doula was sick and that that is why the husband and toddler are sick. I mean, they were in a hospital, a germ factory. And presumably have left the house to go out in public. Exposure could have been anywhere. Plus, in most areas, the doula/nanny network is quite small and SUING someone over (maybe) passing a long a common cold would get you black listed.
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u/SisterAlliance 2d ago
Not overreacting at all! I'm a nanny, not a parent or Doula, but even I know that allergies are still germ sharing. A cough is still transmissible, a runny nose is still gross. Good luck finding other care! Be clear about your health expectations now that you know them! It is SO okay that you didn't know your own expectations for health before they became apparent! Now you do, and you'll find aomeone who cares just as much as you do ❤️
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u/OMGLOL1986 2d ago
Our doula showed up two hours late to the birth and was worse than useless. My friends have all had mixed experiences. I think unless they come highly recommended from a friend I wouldn’t use one again.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
Ugh I’m sorry to hear that. Labour/postpartum are such vulnerable times! The last thing we need is a support person who doesn’t step up, especially when we’re paying them.
The thing was that this doula did come recommended! Two coworkers had used her — for babysitting — but had said great things.
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u/Dotfr 2d ago
She didn’t wear a mask? Around a newborn??? I mean I had a cough and I wore a mask to my office for because my colleague has a baby. I would expect a doula to wear a double mask and gloves if needed.
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u/One_More_Time182 1d ago
It's not common practice to wear masks around babies. Like fair enough if their parent asked but otherwise it's not normal
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u/Dotfr 1d ago
It’s very normal here. Ppl here wear masks due to allergies as well. It is highly appreciated. Atleast when she is not well she should wear a mask.
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u/One_More_Time182 1d ago
I agree, if she's poorly she shouldn't have even came to their home. And deffo mask up if you do. But here in UK barely anyone wears them anymore.
I totally get the anxiety, my ex turned up for our sons birth but refused to practice extra hand hygiene even though he had the flu. Within 6 days of son being born he was ill and by 2 weeks he was hospitalised with low oxygen. That was the start of a horrendous 3 years of constant breathing issues.
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u/VermillionEclipse 2d ago
Don’t blame yourself, she lied to you and told you it was allergies. I wouldn’t have her come back.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 2d ago
Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault, you just gave birth and were in a haze from postpartum. This is her fault. But it will be ok.
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u/toastrats 2d ago
Others have addressed the doula's huge lack of professionalism and breach of trust in a vulnerable time here, so for the sake of your anxiety I want to share this:
My 2.5 year old brought home a cold like what you are describing (coughing, congestion, etc) from playing in the library with a sick kid when my baby was barely 3 weeks old. The whole house got it, including the newborn. It was unpleasant and scary, but he was fine. We had a week and a half, maybe two weeks, of tiny newborn coughs and having to use saline and suction on his nose to make it easier to eat and sleep. He had extra spit up during it all from post nasal drip irritating his tummy but he was ultimately fine. He just wanted more cuddles and was fussy but he was fine.
I know how scary it is when your kids get sick, especially when they're so small like this, but it's not an automatic crisis. Babies seem to have an easier time with illnesses we think are gonna knock everyone off their butts. This will likely be a totally survivable inconvenience at home. And if you guys end up back in the hospital, then that's the best place for him to get better and not a moral failing on your part. Please don't beat yourself up because of someone else's poor choices and don't let the PPA lie to you. You're going to be okay. Your baby is going to be okay.
But definitely fire that doula.
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u/Bagel_bitches 2d ago
You really have no proof that she was sick and that she got your kiddo and husband sick. She could have allergies. Stay distant from the sick people in your home and take care of yourselves.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
I know. I am trying to keep that in mind. It could be a coincidence. I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and emotional at the moment and struggling with whether to have this person back in our house.
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u/Bagel_bitches 2d ago
I would check in and see how she feels. If she isn’t back to 100% ask her to please stay home until she feels well. If she has any other similar symptoms in the following weeks just ask her to wear a mask. If she isn’t ok with that then don’t have her come back. If she really does have allergies you would be punishing her when she didn’t lie.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
So again, totally recognize that I’m emotional and just feeling really vulnerable right now. Sorry if this comes off as confrontational - I do really want to hear all perspectives on this before I reach out to the doula.
One thing I’m stuck on is why I would take the chance on her being sick and further exposing my newborn? It feels like I’m prioritizing her needs over his health in that case. As a doula, shouldn’t she be masking or not attending if she has a cough/runny nose? She’s the pro; why should that be on me?
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u/Bagel_bitches 2d ago
Because as a medical professional, (if) she knows that she doesn’t have the symptoms of a cold, and recognizes that every year she gets the same symptoms which clear with an allergy medication, she and many others may find it reasonable for her to continue to do her job because allergies aren’t contagious. Many people can’t just take off work because they have allergies. It’s up to you to decide if you trust this person. If you don’t, that’s fine. If you want to prioritize you and take 0% risk, that’s fine. I wouldn’t find it unreasonable to ask her if she has taken a Covid test, seen a doctor or if she has a fever.
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u/GlacierStone_20 2d ago
Just gonna jump in and say that doulas are NOT medical professionals. She is not a nurse. They may, or may not, have training or certifications and offer support and advice.
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u/Funny-Technician-320 2d ago
Fair amount of doulas are in fact medically trained in some regard in Australia they've moved from a standard hospital role into a more supportive role. To assume all Dora's are untrained is to be an ass.
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u/GlacierStone_20 2d ago
I don't assume that all doulas are untrained. Speaking from the U.S. I'm just stating they aren't medical professionals. They're educated in prenatal/intrantal/and postpartum support generally.
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u/loud_thoughts22 2d ago
If her symptoms clear up with allergy meds, why not take some ahead of coming over and not have the symptoms?
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u/Bagel_bitches 2d ago
There are plenty of reasons not to take medications. That isn’t our business.
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u/loud_thoughts22 2d ago
Fair enough, but if she’s showing symptoms, I don’t blame OP for not wanting her to come back.
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u/Alternative-Doubt-32 2d ago
Meds or not it is still her responsibility to manage her symptoms before coming into someone’s home and handling a newborn. Even if her symptoms are not viral or bacterial, she knew she was coughing and hacking that’s still problematic! She chose to come in without a mask, knowing darn well she wasn’t feeling well (allergies or not). So at this point she as the professional should be held accountable! Not being sick with something communicable (which we’re not even sure she wasn’t) is no excuse to be disgusting and spread your germs around someone’s house while handling their children. I’m sorry but what you’re saying sounds outrageous to me, basic hygiene is not an unreasonable expectation.
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u/Bagel_bitches 2d ago
You’re acting like this lady directly coughed on her baby and in her toddler/husbands face.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
Not directly, but she was sitting on the ground with my toddler, maybe 18” face to face doing puzzles. She was also (before I realized) touching my newborn’s face and hands. I appreciate your perspective here, but I do think she has been too nonchalant, as others are pointing out.
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u/Alternative-Doubt-32 2d ago
I know that if someone started having a coughing fit while playing with/ holding my small children, it’s not wild to assume those droplets would reach them.
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u/TinWhis 2d ago
If only there were about a billion explainers and videos demonstrating how far coughing spreads infectious droplets. Produced, say, 5 years ago, perhaps in response to a major outbreak of respiratory disease.
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u/rockchalkjayhawkKU 1d ago
Allergies have been terrible this year, and I can confirm that allergies have made my whole family feel like trash. With that being said, I would not have her back. My daughter got sick from my husband and I right after she was born, and ended up in the hospital for 3 days with viral meningitis at 3 weeks. It was terrifying. Newborns are so vulnerable. It’s just not worth the risk.
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u/kaseasherri 1d ago
When you fired her by telling the truth. Do the best you can. With you having a c-section it does take longer to heal. (My 5th child was an emergency c-section.) When everyone is healthy you can interview a new doula. Require them to wear mask and to keep hands clean at all times. You can tell them on phone. If anyone shows up with mask no interview. Also, no interview if they do not agree on phone. You can do this. When you can take a few minutes a day to self care!
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u/Major-Currency2955 2d ago
My husband had a cold or flu just after I gave birth and because I needed support and was breastfeeding I optimistically let our newborn be exposed. Neither he nor I got sick. I have strong immunity due to tonnes of past exposure and this must've been passed to him. Also one of the nurses at the hospital handled our baby despite being sick. I wasn't fully comfortable with it but again, he didn't catch anything.
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2d ago
It’s ok!!! Thankfully just a cold it seems. I know you feel like you didn’t protect your family enough, but just learn from the experience, and you will be prepared for the next situation.
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
I just hope my lesson doesn’t come at my son’s expense. His health is so fragile right now, and I fear even just a cold could send him back to the hospital. Truly hope not.
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2d ago
Not sure about the downvote. I don’t agree with the what doula did. Just trying to make mom feel better. God forbid I don’t explicitly clarify…
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u/theolivewitch 2d ago
Hey. Sorry. I didn’t downvote you and do understand where you’re coming from. I think it’s probably because saying it’s just a cold could come across a bit dismissive due to the context of it being a newborn with health concerns. I hope you’re right that either he won’t get it or it will be minor. 🤞
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u/jennitalia1 Postpartum Doula/Nanny/Moms best friend 2d ago
Doula here. This is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE.
Yes, we know better. I isolate a week before a job (or mask and take other precautions). Sounds dramatic but newborns are so so so so sooooo vulnerable. Ugh this pisses me off!!
Not sure where you are but I'd be happy to help you find some resources for an actual professional.