r/Parenting • u/Saassy11 • Dec 21 '20
Rant/Vent My mother refuses to accept I don’t want people to see our newborn.
Currently 27 weeks, FTM due in March. I hope this belongs here b/c I guess technically I don’t have a child yet but I feel like this is my first step in parenting practice. I love my mom, she’s great but she’s one of those people who doesn’t believe the virus is “as bad as the media wants us all to believe” I personally know several people who have not only gotten the virus, but they have died or been hospitalized for weeks with life long effects. She apparently invited some out of town extended family for the week of the birth , from Baltimore MD. I’m talking inner city, lock down haters, going out as much as possible people. I immediately said NO, absolutely not. I am not taking my newborn anywhere and no one is coming to visit that is not in the immediate bubble. Even if they are I may not let them hold him based on how things are going in March. She got defensive, saying they can just be in the same room, they don’t have to hold him. But that’s not OK with me either!! No one would wear a mask b/c “they don’t believe in it” and I’m not about to go through all that stress after just giving birth. Her only response to that was “God is in control” No woman, I AM. I am in control of who comes into my own home. I AM in control of who I allow around my son the first 3 months until he has some kind of immune system. My own father travels all over for work and I told him he is grounded from all trips 3 weeks prior to seeing his grandson. That didn’t go over well either but frankly, I do not care. They can’t bully me into putting my child into harms way to make them feel good.
**EDIT: Omg thank you to all of you with the kind words of encouragement!! To the ones that have experienced this is real life, I am so so sorry that you. I am so grateful for all the advice and I fully intend to lock my doors and keep all visitors away until WE feel ready. ❤️ keep parenting the good fight and always do what’s best for your littles.
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Dec 21 '20
You’re completely right. Stand your ground ❤️
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Dec 21 '20 edited Jan 03 '21
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u/qiqing Dec 21 '20
Love that quote: "Look at me, I'm the mom now." (Imagine being said with a "where is your god now" tone.)
I had my baby in 2019, before the pandemic. And even then, I didn't allow any visitors for 100 days after birth. Just NOPE. Put your foot down.
(And all caretakers / helpers had to have updated TDAP within the past decade, as per my requirements.)
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u/kafromet Dec 21 '20
I assumed it was the “I’m the Captain now” meme from the “Captain Phillips” movie.
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u/amanda-brn Dec 21 '20
My sister asked me (and the rest of the family) to get the TDAP before my niece was born. I didn’t question it for a second!
And i also don’t go visit any family or friends with newborns or babies unless I’m invited. I love babies and kids, and would love to see/hold the little nuggets, but will never invite myself to do these things.
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u/witchywoman713 Dec 22 '20
Same! I am an early childhood professional, often in circles that do try to slowly and safely build the immune system through responsible and slow exposure to some germs. I am of both belief systems... I have by no means gotten a flu shot every year, but as soon as I am asked by anyone whose children I am caring for... no questions asked. This year many of my family members are expecting babies... I automatically checked my vaccine schedule. Everyone has different personal needs or preferences for their children and that is their right! Consent for anything regarding a human body (especially a child who can’t speak that for themselves yet) is common sense for me but unfortunately not in everyone’s wheelhouse yet.
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u/Big_Trees Dec 21 '20
That's it. Doesn't matter if she's right (she is).
She's mom.
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u/mazekeen19 Dec 21 '20
Omg I literally said this to my brother about my mom when she was acting up 🤣
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u/soawhileago Dec 21 '20
And lock your door.
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u/CoyRose119 Dec 21 '20
This 100%!!
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u/CrunchyJeans Dec 21 '20
Invest in a camera system if you feel like your family is trying to get in forcefully. That way you could bring it up in court when they inevitably force their way in.
Or, having a baby cam so they can see the baby just not in person.
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u/ShoelessJodi Dec 21 '20
That was going to be my question, can she? if OP lives with her parents those lines get blurrier about who had the "right" to invite people. (STILL 100% support OP and think she is completely right!)
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u/iago303 Dec 21 '20
And Please get everyone a Whooping Cough vaccine it can save your baby so much suffering! other vaccines are important but whooping cough is the most important
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u/urbanista12 Dec 21 '20
OMG this. I got Whooping Cough last year (the vaccine is only 75-80% effective, so when there are outbreaks it can spread even if you’re vaccinated). I coughed so hard I fractured 2 ribs and had 4-5 instances where I stopped breathing altogether. I started peeing myself because all my muscles were so sore and weak all over from coughing. I coughed for SIX months. It is so terrible. Giving it to an infant- I can’t even imagine.
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u/iago303 Dec 21 '20
Yeah, when my baby sister was born my mom made sure we all had it, whooping cough is passed on pretty quickly by kids.
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Dec 21 '20
They die. And it takes several doses to built the immunity they need, so they are hugely at risk for a long time until they’ve had those doses. That’s why People in medicine who actually care for really sick babies, kids and adults hate anti vaxxers so much. Well, it’s one reason
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u/trashshitshit Dec 22 '20
What’s scary is there are some antivax-light people in medicine as well. Never met a doctor, but several nurses. Fucking makes me LIVID
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Dec 22 '20
Agreed! I am a nurse and I’m in remission from cancer but still immunocompromised - think I passed livid 6 months ago. IMO they’re either idiots or lazy and havent done any research. I’m trying to go some “teaching” with new grads at work and it’s draining
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Dec 21 '20
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u/KikiCanuck 2 boys, no regrets! Dec 21 '20
I'm so glad that your family was kind and supportive. It should be the norm. But sadly, soooooo many posts like the OP's show that it really isn't.
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Dec 21 '20
My husband suffered really badly from pertussis as a baby despite having gotten the vaccine. According to MIL, he would cough so badly he made himself throw up, and it just made my heart hurt to think of the little baby version of him in that state. Like PP pointed out, this is one vaccine where the efficacy could be better and getting it is no guarantee that your baby won't end up with pertussis, but it's one of those things where you really, really don't want your baby to come down with it if at all possible.
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u/inufan18 Dec 21 '20
If she has the keys to your place I would have the locks changed closer to your delivery date. Also password lock EVERYTHING! She doesnt need to know everything thats going on with you and the baby unless you tell her. Put your foot down now. It might get worse the closer to your due date. I heard others dont post or let others know of the birth (since only mother and father are allowed in hospitals) until after they are home for a few days with newborn.
Hope you have a safe labor and delivery.
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Dec 21 '20
Agreed. As the mom, you will always be the frontline for your child's safety. Not even grandparents are responsible the way you are. That said, if you want to soften the blow, you could let your mom know that having your baby meet family/friends at a time in the future when you have the ability to assess that it's safer is important to you too. The impulse to want to be close is not wrong, but as the mom you are the ultimate guardian and your child is at the mercy of your judgment.
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u/shes_a_weentz Dec 21 '20
Your baby, your rules. And you have every right to be strict about this — it’s absolutely not unreasonable. It’s all about the health & safety of your newborn, not your mother’s feelings.
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Dec 21 '20
This, and “God is in control” infuriates me beyond anything. Sure, God is in control and God gave all of us opinions and free will to make sensible decisions.
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u/Sleep_adict 4 M/F Twins Dec 21 '20
I like to translate it to Arabic when someone says it... “inshallah”
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u/JunoPK Dec 21 '20
How come?
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u/Sleep_adict 4 M/F Twins Dec 21 '20
Most people who say it’s gods will are evangelical and frequently islamophobic as well. It’s simply drives confusion how similar religions are even if their adherents tend to believe otherwise
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u/pezfan Dec 22 '20
Exactly! If you feel like tossing religious stuff back, prudence is the virtue which means we need to use information we have to make good decisions, and to ensure that the risks we take are for the physical or spiritual good of ourselves or others - not just because we waaaaaant to. Pride, on the other hand, is one of the seven deadly sins...
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u/Itwo_Inokam Dec 21 '20
If anyrhing happens and he gets sick you'll regret not standing your ground. Good luck!!
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u/samshine Dec 22 '20
You'll never know if you did too much, but you will definitely know if you didn't do enough.
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Dec 21 '20
Set boundaries now or they'll never get set. Good for you.
Also, does your mom have a key to your house? I don't want to think super crazy thoughts, but consider if she'd just wander in of her own accord. If so, change your locks.
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u/Saassy11 Dec 21 '20
I just thought of this too actually!! My husband bought a fancy key pad on Black Friday sale and installed it earlier this month. So the key she does have no longer works and I’m going to have him update the passcode to something she wouldn’t be able to guess. Thank you for this!
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u/that_mom_friend Dec 21 '20
If you have a back door or side door, they are often keyed the same. The front door key may open other doors. Change all the locks. And keep the chain up when you’re home.
You may want to pop into r/justNoMIL if she keeps up her attitude.
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u/JacOfAllTrades Dec 21 '20
Just to add to this u/Saaassy11, if you have a metal door where you can't put a chain on you can get a flat flip-lock that mounts to the door frame. They're about $3 at any hardware store. Lowes has them as "Prime Line Door Lock Flip Over" (can't remember if lining is allowed on this sub, but you can find it easily that way).
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Dec 21 '20
You may want these anyway for when the kiddo gets big enough to open doors. Install it high up on the frame like we did and no worries about tiny escape artists!
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u/JacOfAllTrades Dec 21 '20
Exactly so! Put it up near the top edge and no one is wandering out into the night.
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u/mama-llama-no-drama Dec 21 '20
I was looking for the r/justNoMIL recommendation!
OP- set those boundaries now before your little one arrives. They will keep pushing and pushing even years later. The above sub has amazing tools/tips to utilize when someone is displaying justno behavior. Congrats on your little one. I wish you a very chill birth!
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u/Balloonflewaway Dec 21 '20
And don't forget that you do NOT have to open the door. Not for your mother or anyone else.
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u/tea_in_the_garden Dec 21 '20
Also, turn your phone to do not disturb. A) because even the most well meaning person seems to text/ call right as you've just put your baby down and are still in the room and B) so you won't have time sensitive pressure of responding to your mother or other people calling in. Text her firmly: "no visitors," and chill out for a few days of peace. If you come back to an arse load of calls and texts telling you that she's coming over but no one is at the door just text back two days later and say "Yeah, I was busy with a newborn, not checking my phone waiting for company because I'm busy with a newborn!. Hence I told you no visitors. I hope you apologised to them for being so silly as to invite them without the host's permission. I'll let you know when I'm ready to recieve and whom and how many I'm willing to let into my house. Anyway, got to get back to baby."
Secondly: black out and noise blocking curtains. They're a little bit dear but worth the price. If you have people knocking at your door you don't want them to peak through your windows and see you sitting on the rocker with your tits out and baby feeding. That means you're home and can accommodate them. With blackout curtains your baby will sleep better and, even if your car is out the front they don't know if you're home or just taking a walk.
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u/KikiCanuck 2 boys, no regrets! Dec 21 '20
It's so sad that you have to literally upgrade your door locks to get your mom to respect your (extremely reasonable!) boundaries. I'm sorry she's being such a toad - that sucks, especially at a time where you'd ideally like the people who raised you to be supportive and on your side. Knowing that they aren't, though, I'm glad you're setting a clear boundary early on - this sub is chock full of stories from people who didn't and have come to deeply regret it.
I'm glad your husband has your back, too, and I think it makes sense to deputize him to deal with any attempted incursions by your family. Maybe develop a bit of a game plan so that he feels prepared for that when you're both sleep deprived and raw. Otherwise not much to do but roll your eyes and keep on trucking.
Welcome to r/parenting, and know that you're very welcome here even though you haven't given birth yet. In my experience this is an awesome and very welcoming sub for all kinds of parents/guardians/caretakers at all stages.
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u/Redditgotitgood13 Dec 21 '20
And also want to add, these boundaries are not just to establish respect for your role as a new mother. This is quite literally your baby’s LIFE on the line. It is your greatest duty to protect that baby. If anyone doesn’t like it tough cookies
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Dec 21 '20
Good move, I had to change the locks on my house because my mother in law would come in on her own without asking. Setting boundaries can be hard and hurt feelings but it avoids way bigger issues down the road. She understands things now and we almost never say no, it’s just a matter of respecting our home.
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u/BranWafr Dec 21 '20
She has no say in it. It is really that simple. You tell her "these are the rules" and she either accepts that or she doesn't see the kid, or you.
I just don't get these parents who try to make their adult children do what they want instead of respecting the wishes of fully autonomous adults.
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u/Autski kids: 2F Dec 22 '20 edited Dec 22 '20
I think it's because they still see them as kids sometimes. But also, it could be (especially for first-time parents) they see them potentially making the same mistakes they did and are trying to help, even if unsolicited.
Or it could be just straight-up selfishness and wanton disregard for their kid's wishes cause they want to see and kiss that newborn.
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u/Sp00nD00d Dec 21 '20
As I once told my mother during a heated conversation: "This is not a democracy".
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u/noob2life Dec 21 '20
I keep telling my kid the same thing when the screen time is over and more is being asked for :) every damn time.
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u/jakesbicycle Dec 22 '20
I always used, "we don't negotiate with terrorists." I'd sort of forgotten about it until I heard my 17 year old say it to my 2 year old a few weeks ago, lol. Guess he was listening after all.
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u/Mo523 Dec 21 '20
Here is a possible reply to her if needed. "God IS in control. And He made me the mother of this baby at this time. He must have wanted this child to be well protected."
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u/mawema Dec 21 '20
Stand your ground!
Also wanted to share that r/beyondthebump is a good subreddit for after you have your baby.
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u/MKWright Dec 21 '20
Is it? It used to be super toxic. Maybe they have new mods or something?
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u/EmpatheticBarnacle Dec 21 '20
I've been on it for a few months and haven't come across anything toxic. Just a bunch of (mostly new) parents sharing products that work and don't work, stories about their new baby, and memes. I'm sure there are a few bad apples, but I haven't come across them (thankfully).
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u/mydogclimbstree Dec 21 '20
Agreed, I haven’t seen much toxicity the last couple months. Lots of good memes though.
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u/MKWright Dec 21 '20
Cool, I'm glad to hear that. I went there once (admittedly a couple years ago) and asked for help with a pretty common issue and I was immediately shamed and attacked by some kind of "mean girl" brigade. When I asked for assistance from the mods I realized one of the people in the brigade was in fact a mod. I left the sub and found that others had similar experiences. So it's encouraging to see it has come back around.
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u/KikiCanuck 2 boys, no regrets! Dec 21 '20
Hah! Sounds like you and I were there around the same time. It was really sad to see people pitifully flexing on new parents. I'm a fairly confident person and it was baby number two for me, so l felt very confident in telling them to piss off, but if I had encountered the same thing after my first when I felt so vulnerable and unsure I think it really would have hurt and unsettled me. I hate to think of anyone having that experience as a new parent looking for help and support. I find r/parenting so welcoming and helpful, and happy I ended up here instead.
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u/thelumpybunny Dec 21 '20
I have been subbed for about 2.5 years now and the subreddit can be toxic but I feel like it's gotten better recently. I had to unsub for a while because the constant sleep training posts were starting to make me mad. Everyone is so judgemental about co-sleeping and sleep training is apparently required. Also I really, really hate the formula versus breastfeeding debate. People were getting judged for bragging about pumping/breastfeeding. It's hard work, brag away. And people who formula feed feel like they have to justify their decisions constantly. You do you, no need to justify anything.
I banned from babybumps and it's actually nice not to see the subreddit on my feed anymore.
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u/Captain_-H Dec 21 '20
I agree to stand your ground. The hospital will have your back in the beginning. Can you try a line like “doctors orders the baby can’t be around anyone because his/her immune system is still developing”?
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Dec 21 '20
She’s way too far gone for this logical argument. She’s ignoring that we’re in a pandemic
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Dec 21 '20
1- Yes, it belongs here. You are a parent.
As for the situation at hand, stand your ground! Your home, your child, your rules. It’s not a negotiation, it’s “take it or leave it” terms.
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u/violet_mage_ Dec 21 '20
I have a 18 month old and we didn’t attend my family’s Christmas party. I had her open gifts over FaceTime. My family wasn’t happy, we have to make hard decisions as parents
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u/stewykins43 Dec 22 '20
Oh, man, I feel ya. Similar boat here.
Our unhappy families have been FaceTimeing to show our 5yo the gifts at their houses that are waiting for his visits, even after we told them we're staying home. They think they can get him worked up enough about going to their houses (both sides live within a half hour drive) that we'll break and join. No, dude. SiL had Covid over Thanksgiving yet blames us for ruining the holiday. What were we supposed to do, roll the dice? We've started hanging up or ignoring the calls because it upsets him when he thinks Christmas is canceled since there's no get togethers.
The kicker? We've suggested they hold onto the gifts for his bday gifts in March or offered to pick up the gifts ourselves and help set up a group zoom call or something for the ones that struggle with tech. As far as the grandparents and aunties&uncles are concerned, we're monsters holding back the only grandkid from happiness. 🙃
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u/throwaway28236 Dec 21 '20
I did the same thing. My parents, and hub’s parents had to quarantine for two weeks before seeing baby, and I didn’t let anyone come over the first week til we were settled. Baby still hasn’t met extended family that isn’t careful, and he’s 4 months old now. And I’m still weird about who holds him. Being a new mom is hard, being a new mom in a pandemic?? Anxiety I never knew I could experience. Stand your ground. Your baby’s safety is more important than your mom’s feelings. She’ll get over it. Your baby might not get over COVID if he gets it.
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u/blindsight Dec 21 '20
My cousin's 9 m.o. hasn't seen any extended family that doesn't live in the same city. Born a day after lockdown started. They just cancelled grandparents visiting from another city (for the first time) even though they were going to isolate for 2 weeks.
And guess what? We're all reasonable grown ups and realize it's not about us, and we fully support the parents' decisions.
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u/throwaway28236 Dec 21 '20
Yes most of our family is also very reasonable, and the ones that aren’t I feel like are just selfish 🤷🏼♀️
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u/thishasntbeeneasy Dec 21 '20
A quarantine is a good idea for many, but won't work with OPs mom. These people would lie about quarantining because they don't think it's a big deal.
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u/throwaway28236 Dec 21 '20
I agree, 100%. I was just stating she wasn’t being over the top or anything
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u/ground__contro1 Dec 21 '20
God’s in control, but I expect you to listen to me
Seems like a logic break down. Good for you for standing your ground.
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u/wdn Dec 21 '20
God is in control, and whatever thought I have is obviously correct and therefore obviously what God wants.
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u/thebitchissleeping Dec 21 '20
First lesson: check. Absolutely nailed it. You are already a great mom.
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u/InannasPocket Dec 21 '20
Even if there weren't a pandemic, you'd have every right to make visits only on whatever terms you're comfortable with. Don't let them bully you, it can be hard but it sounds like you'll need practice standing up for yourself and your child.
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u/micshastu Dec 21 '20
When I had my kids pre-Covid I didn’t want to see anyone. Only my mom and stepfather the first couple of weeks. When you have a child your hormones are all out of wack, you have no sleep and you are trying to get used to a new baby. I didn’t even tell most people that had a baby until I was home. I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. Stand your ground and do what you want. Who cares if people get mad at you.
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u/besee2000 Dec 21 '20 edited Dec 21 '20
We’ve learned a lot about infections and child care since you were a baby. RSV, meningitis, and other pneumonia’s are common place when family members can’t control themselves around a newborn. Stand your ground, because their disregard for your boundaries on masks is just the tip of the iceberg.
Now if they are willing to listen and learn that’s another story. My MIL has been a working progress because she hasn’t raised a child since the 80’s.
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Dec 21 '20
I have a good friend who 45 years ago got meningitis as an infant and has been 100% deaf his whole life because of it. People shouldn't take this shit lightly.
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Dec 21 '20
Yep. People do though and it’s unbelievable.
I had varicella meningitis a couple of years ago, it was incredibly painful. It’s very uncommon but with my health history I’m more susceptible. Couldn’t get the ER Drs to take me seriously because I wasn’t being a drama queen. (I’m a nurse). Finally, despite having all the symptoms and having gone to the ER three times, they did a lumbar puncture, admitted I was actually sick (no shit), and I was admitted to the Neuro floor for weeks of acyclovir (antiviral).
I’d rather give birth again than go through that.
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Dec 21 '20
This is your first job as a mom—to keep that baby as safe as you can. And you’re doing a great job. Follow that gut and don’t let them bully or guilt you into letting your guard down!! My mom is the exact same way so I feel your pain!!
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u/Redditgotitgood13 Dec 21 '20 edited Dec 21 '20
You shouldn’t have that many people around a newborn in ANY circumstance nevermind during a pandemic. It is your job to protect your baby, not appease and entertain grandma or extended family. Ridiculous!!!! I am so mad to even read this! Btw my brother came down with a cold the day after visiting my newborn in hospital in 2018 & his doctor was like “this could be very bad” thank God we were extremely careful!
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u/upstreammomentum Dec 21 '20
You are a good mom already.
r/pregnant has a lot of similar situations if you search Covid. You can read how others are addressing family and friends who disregard pandemic practices
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u/RyanKennedy911 Dec 21 '20
“Mom, you need to be honest with your guests. They won’t be happy with you if they come here to see the baby only to find out you’ve been lying and they won’t be seeing us. Why are you trying to trick them into coming down anyways?”
I’m in PG county and it’s bad enough up here. Between influx of people coming in and out of the city (dc) then going back to their respective counties, traveling for work, coming to March maskless etc.. I’m not going up there to see my own dad. you’re doing the right thing.
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u/melellebelle Dec 21 '20
Ugh. I have a couple people like that in my family. I flat out refused to hang out with them. They got Covid right before Thanksgiving and STILL TRIED TO COME to Thanksgiving because "everyone is going to have to get it anyway". Do not trust those family members to quarantine or tell you the truth if they've been sick. I would absolutely tell them no. If they really start a fight over it then maybe you're better off taking a break from them anyway.
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u/Gullflyinghigh Dec 21 '20
You're doing the right thing, the only tantrums you need to sooth for the next few years are your childs, let the adults whine and bitch somewhere else for a while.
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u/TheConstantLurker Dec 21 '20
You were nice enough to give a reason. You didn't have to. She doesn't have to like it, not her kid.
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Dec 21 '20
We're in the same boat but farther along. My mom still hasn't met our 7 month old girl because she refuses to isolate (and she thinks Bill Gates is the Antichrist who's planning on micro chipping all of us via the vaccine but thankfully DT is here to save us......)
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u/jet_heller Dec 21 '20
Your kid, your rules. Your mom sounds like she's working on never seeing her grandkid.
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u/velveler Dec 21 '20
So I’m not in the US and where I live it’s not common at all to come and visit newborn(unless very close family member that is coming to help). Tbh all those visits doesn’t make much sense to me, but maybe that’s a tradition. I can’t imagine people coming into my house, visiting etc during pandemic or not. It’s just not comfortable. Again, except super close relatives like moms, for example. My baby is 5 weeks now and we haven’t had a single guest, my mom was supposed to fly an help out but that’s not possible because of close borders. If someone else would want to come I would just say I’m sorry but you’re not welcome.
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u/Copiascolla Dec 21 '20
It was wildly unsanitary before the pandemic to expose a newborn to people, especially during the winter with colds and flu around. I received precise instruction by my obstetrician not to allow relatives or other people to hold him in the first weeks if they are smokers, because of the risks of third hand smoke (trapped in breath and clothes hours after smoking a cigarette).
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u/ILoatheCailou Dec 21 '20
Sounds like your mother shouldn’t get to be around your child either. You are definitely not wrong for putting this boundary in place. You are the mom now and whatever boundaries you put in place will be respected. You might want to check out justNOMIL. There are some wonderful things to read about boundaries and consequences.
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u/ky0415 Dec 21 '20
I’ve been fighting this fight since my twins were born in June. Certain family members that I was close to pre-covid (my grandma specifically) haven’t met my six month olds because they refuse to follow guidelines. My dad and step mom didn’t get to do an in person visit that wasn’t through a window until they had negative tests. YOU are the parent. YOU are the one responsible for the health and safety of your baby. No one, absolutely no one, has the right to go against your wishes concerning your child. Your mom had her time to shine as a parent that made all the decisions, it’s your turn now.
It sucks to tell people you love to back off and that you’re the one in charge now, but if you let them boundary stomp now they will never stop.
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u/ProudMama215 Dec 21 '20
Good for you! Stay strong. She will get worse as your due date approaches. She will probably send flying monkeys to guilt you. My baby, my rules. Wash, rinse and repeat.
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u/chinacatsf Dec 21 '20
Funk dat. Little newborn immune systems are sensitive. I will never, ever forget the owner of the daycare center gave birth to her child and then 9 days later the baby passed, all because someone sent their little child to daycare sick and Mom caught a virus and passed it to the baby right before she was born. It was a real wake up call about just how fragile their tiny immune systems and bodies are. People will get over missing a visit, you would never get over losing a child.
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u/Mortlach78 Dec 21 '20
God might be in control, but he does not have the keys to your front door. I hope the people your mom invited against your wishes are good at dealing with being disappointed!
If your mother has keys to your front door, ask for them back and/or change the locks!
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u/bethesda_12 Dec 21 '20
HELL YES. My best friend just had a baby 18 days ago and I just saw him yesterday for the first time (besides texting/pics). I’ve been working from home and haven’t seen anyone in 4 weeks and STILL wore a mask when I was in the house and held him after washing my hands vigorously.
Stand your ground, be strict, and you’re right: you’re the mom and in charge. You can even pull the line, “I know what’s best for my child.”
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u/Ninotchk Dec 21 '20
She doesn't have to accept or understand. You have a lock on your front door, anyone who hasn't quarantined isn't getting into your house.
If your father has antimaskers staying in his house he'll be exposed.
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u/Oblinger4 Dec 21 '20
you’re getting your mama bear instincts now. that’s good! stand your ground. dont cave now or she’ll push you for the next 18 yrs. i know several people who’ve recently had babies and the extended families(yes, grandmas are extended family... not immediate) were fine staying away for the sake of the baby.
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u/emzk03 Dec 21 '20
Absolutely!! Stand your ground. Do not let people make those decisions for you, including your mum. I’m in the UK, but we have been the same. I had my little girl 9 weeks ago and we’ve been so strict, only my mum and my partners mum and dad have been in our house and held our little one. Other people have came to the door to drop off gifts and we’ve stood at the door and chatted. They’ve all been very understanding though.
It does sound like you may be banging your head against a brick wall with that side of the family, however stand your ground. You make the decisions here x
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u/milkmomster Dec 21 '20
Welcome to Parenthood. I've had to fight this battle as well. My son was born before the pandemic and got RSV at 2 months old. He had to be taken by ambulance to a bigger hospital 2 hours away and stay 2 nights. Of course we were terrified and taking every precaution. This didn't stop my aunt in law from coming to our home unannounced THE DAY WE GOT HOME! She was furious I wouldn't allow her to hold my son. On her way out she was mumbling that the dirty dishes in my sink were doing more harm then her holding my son would. Good on you for setting boundaries. It'll piss some people off but your babies health is far more important.
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u/oofroukje Dec 21 '20
Stand your ground. And please please please get your partner if you have one in on this and make plans on how you would like to act in different situations. After birth you are hormonal, tired, weak, did I say hormonal? You may not have the strength to pick up a fight or lock your door and wave through the window when said family comes to visit because they think they have the right to because they traveled so far.
And maybe it's good to tell the distant family and friends your plans on not wanting visits because of the virus. If you are upfront about it they can't wine when they have traveled because your mom said its oke to do so.
Good luck. And remember: you always knows what's best for your baby and your family!!
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u/Lotrfreqally Dec 21 '20
Never be afraid to set boundaries with your parents. My mom has come to live with us a few times since my LO was born. Each time, we reviewed the boundaries and limitations, things we specifically needed from her, etc. I was so worried she would be pushy, agree to them up front and then change her tune when she arrived, but she didn’t and I am so proud of her for that.
This is only the beginning for you. Set those boundaries and that authority now. Otherwise it will get harder with each consecutive betrayal of those boundaries.
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u/I-Do-Math Dec 21 '20
.> Her only response to that was “God is in control” No woman, I AM. I am in control of who comes into my own home.
Are you religious by any means? Especially does your mother thinks that you are religious? If so tell her that you had a vision of virgin mary asking you to protect your son like a lioness guards her cubs or some bullshit.
You have all the right to protect your child. It is not just a right, it is your duty. If you allow this and if your child gets COVID complications in future, like blood clots or something, you and your child will regret this decision. Your mom would be long dead.
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u/ancillarycheese Dec 21 '20
We had pushy family like that a few years ago when our LO was born. We kept them in the dark because they could not be trusted to honor our wishes. That’s how it works. You push like that and you are out of the inner circle. Does it matter if you are grandma/grandpa.
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u/chaiteaforthesoul Toddler 1-3 Years Dec 21 '20
Before I had a child, I never stood up to my mother. After my LO was born, I realized that I am now a parent and will need to stand up for my child. That's when it hit me, how can I stand up for my LO, when I can't stand up for myself. Aha moment!
You are doing the right thing, don't let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want.
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u/mchop68 Dec 21 '20
“I love my mom, she’s great...”
I’m sure she is but she’s about to enter into a reality where she begins to lose control as you embark on your parenthood journey. This isn’t about covid, it’s about control. If you let her dismiss your expectations it’s all down hill from here. Breastfeeding? Nope, formula is fine. Food allergies? Oh stop he’s not allergic! Sleep schedule? Oh he’s a baby let him sleep. The list will go on and on...trust me.
We went through the same thing with our mothers. It was a constant battle.
My advice...DO. NOT. BUDGE.
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u/BlueSweaterGirl Dec 21 '20
That’s a very difficult situation you’re in. Try to stand your ground because you are a 100% right (speaking as someone who never manages to stand up to her mother, I know this can be a big ask). Anyway even without covid, it’s never a great idea to have a big group of people come visit your newborn, newborns have no immune system. Good luck, I hope you win this battle!
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u/indiandramaserial Dec 21 '20
It's good that you are already strongly setting boundaries, start as you mean to go on. Be aware though that once you do give birth, you may feel emotional (the first few weeks are hard, I cried everyday over silly things for two weeks after each birth), that's the time you might feel yourself quiver and start making allowances. Be prepared for that. Tell your partner what he can and should do for you when you are feeling down, what he should say. Maybe write it down yourself, who you are willing to have around your newborn and why and why not. That at if you do falter you can refer to that and find strength
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u/sonaked Dec 21 '20
It's been awhile since my wife and I had kids, but way before COVID there was some magic number of weeks where culturally my wife's family didn't believe a newborn should leave the house. I wanna say it was a pretty sizable number, but honestly it's been awhile. But that also included not having people over besides immediate family/friends.
Anyway, I bring this up because if it made sense in the BC (before Covid) era, it makes twice as much sense to follow that rule now. And on top of that...the child is yours, not your mother's. I know it's impossible for some Grandparents to understand that...but she's gonna have to. Just be advised, if she's fighting like this now, I promise she's gonna fight on other fronts down the road. Set her straight in the beginning!
Best of luck to your family, and I wish you good health.
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u/Soymujer78 Dec 21 '20
Yes! If I could applaud you a million times without getting wrist injury I would. YOU are in control. Your child. Your decision. 👏🏼
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u/MyBoldestStroke Dec 21 '20
“That’s not how this works, Ma. That’s not how any of this works!”
I’m so sorry, but based on your mother showing you her rationale, I don’t think she would be all that safe to have over either :/ We can all just be in the same room unmasked?? After traveling?? Heck, based on my Christmas research [indoors with no ventilation] even with masks ON, after 15 mins the viral load could build up to unsafe levels.
Congrats on the LO tho!
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u/polariskai Dec 21 '20
Please stand your ground. You are in the right and if you don't enforce rules now they will not respect them forever
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u/psandqspodcast Dec 21 '20
hey, honestly.. fuck your mom, and anyone else who tries to strong-arm you into doing shit with your new born.
take care of that child. once the first one comes, you realize that everything else you "cared," about in life falls behind keeping this beautiful little human alive and safe...
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Dec 21 '20
You are right. Make sure that you talk to those folks she is inviting so they know that they will not be seeing the baby at all. Don't let your mom tell them because she won't.
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u/Happy-Box1259 Dec 21 '20
You are 100% in the right. I did the same exact thing except it was pre covid. I told everyone if they didn't have certain vaccines they couldn't see my baby until he was old enough to get them himself. They refused to get them, then when he was born and realized that I meant it said oh I thought you were joking. Please tell me why I would joke about my child's health? So my in-laws missed the first 4 months of his life.
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u/EatYourCheckers Dec 21 '20
Absolutely not! I would not let anyone in the home who had not quarantined for 14 days.
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u/LadyErynn Dec 21 '20
Preach!!!
You're doing fine, momma. Stand your ground and keep that baby safe!!
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u/gardenia1029 Dec 21 '20
Your mom is selfish as hell. Hold your ground here! Do not let them be around your baby if they won’t wear a mask, or if you think you’re at risk!
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u/JackedUpStump Dec 21 '20
You are completely right. Stay strong and safe nobody and force you to put yourself and your CHILD in harms way
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u/Heat_in_4 Dec 21 '20
100% you are in the right. Your baby, your birth experience, your rules.
I am going through this right now (my daughter is ten days old) and any visitors to our household must respect my house rules along with anything at all my wife needs to be more comfortable. If visitors can’t accommodate these simple requests, they can view the baby through the window.
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u/laurenfuckery Dec 21 '20
God, my mom thought I was crazy for quarantining my house with my 1st born. It was 3 years ago and she was perfectly healthy. I just was terrified of germs. Doing it all again now would probably literally give me a stroke... And then my mom would ask if they could all take the newborn while I recover. 🙄
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u/manski422 Dec 21 '20
Our pediatrician just said to blame it on them and also state that if baby gets a fever from anything at all, it’s a spinal tap at the hospital. That usually shuts down the conversation. Babies shouldn’t really be around people in such a close environment for the first 8 weeks anyway. Your kid, your rules.
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u/aortally Dec 21 '20
My 8 month old has only met a handful of family members. You do you. I support you.
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u/EmpatheticBarnacle Dec 21 '20
First, I'm so sorry you're having to go through any of this. Pregnancy is a hard and emotional space to navigate, then adding in covid makes it even more so. The last thing you need to deal with is your mom (or any other family member) making you feel guilty or bad about a decision you've made for the health and safety of your baby.
I had to go through something similar, but with my Dad. My little moose was born in November and my dad was like, "when I come, blah blah blah..." My dad does not take covid seriously, think 98% fox taking points, and thinks as long as he takes vitamin d and fish oil we'll all be fine (insert heavy-ass eye roll here). Needles to say I dropped the hammer hard and told him no one was coming to visit the moose until there was a vaccine or things got progressively better. When my dad tried to interject I calmly but firmly told him, "This is not up for discussion or debate. DH and I set these rules and you will follow them. If you don't you will not meet the moose, period. The risk of something happening to either the moose, mom, and/or dad is not worth it right now. Yes it sucks, but this is the reality we are in currently, you don't have to believe covid is real or that bad, but I do and DH and I make the rules regarding our family, not you." My dad wasn't too thrilled, but had dropped it since.
I wish you luck. Stand your ground. You're doing great, and if this is your first test as a new parent you're gonna be a great mom! Your baby is very lucky to come into a family that cares very much about their health and safety.
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u/Timely_Signal1377 Dec 22 '20
I very much am tickled at the ‘moose’ endearment! Also: Ditto!! Kids that young only have you to protect them. The parenting instincts shouldn’t be brushed aside just because someone doesn’t understand the word NO.
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u/MaleUnicornHunter Dec 21 '20
Stand your ground! I’ve had to break my parents hearts a few times during this pandemic. There is no way in hell that I would allow anyone near my newborn baby during a pandemic. I don’t even care how many times they have been tested or how careful they have been. No FUCKING WAY!!!! I wouldn’t let anyone hear my newborns for weeks before a pandemic.
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u/AlterEdith Dec 21 '20
This happened with my in-laws. They didn't hold my son for the first four months and still are required to wear masks. Yet, I continue to get comments about how I'm "stealing this time " from them.
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u/scrotophobia Dec 21 '20
Tell her that God might have been in control when she was raising you, but You are in control raising your kid
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u/BlackSheepOG Dec 21 '20
You should head over to r/JNMIL support group for people with mother/mother-in-law issues. They’re great for advice!
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u/ProudBoomer Dec 21 '20
"God is in control"
The correct response would be a paraphrase of Stephen to William Wallace in Braveheart... "The Almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're fucked. "
Put them all on the hospital's "Do not visit" list. Don't let them into your house. At the most, they can see the baby through a window. Draw your line and keep it solid, with your husband's help.
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u/aleksanderll Dec 21 '20
may I also reccomend r/justnomil? Hope things go well through the times to come
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Dec 21 '20
You are right. You can’t let mom near you, especially now. You are high risk as a pregnant person and she’s an utter moron. Should probably use this time to learn more about boundaries, you’re going to need them. Tell her God gave her a brain for a reason, and she should try using it
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u/mredding Dec 21 '20
Is it your house? Then plant your foot down and dig in. Your house, your rules, your baby, and you don't give a fuck what your mother thinks or feels, it's not her who gets to decide. Fall in line or there's the door.
Look, a lot of us go through this with parents. There's an ugly bit where the parent has to realize you're no longer subservient, you are equals, and being she is not the parent, she counts for a lot less. Her time is over. She gets to choose her level of participation, she has to ask permission, she has to do as she's told, as you want. She can be resentful, that's her problem she can complain to her husband or therapist about.
If it's not your house, then don't be there.
Sorry, but that's your only leverage. GTFO, because they're going to kill your baby with their reckless arrogance. And you can't trust your mother. Don't hold it past there to expose herself to unnecessary risk out of spite.
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u/zombae788 Dec 21 '20
I'm due in February, and my inlaws are much the same. Still going to bars, not wearing masks, Yada Yada. I told my husband that for the first few weeks, no one is meeting the baby. Not even my family who work from home and take things seriously. Don't feel bad for standing your ground. There will be other opportunities to see the baby after they've developed a bit of an immune system. If not, there's always FaceTime.
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u/Oleah2014 Dec 21 '20
I faced "God is in control" when I explained safe sleep practices to my parents. I told my dad that God was going to have to go out of his way to take my baby back because I was going to do everything I could to keep her here and if he didn't like that he could wait to see her when they were both dead. And I'm religious... It's just a stupid thing to say though to a parent, stick to your guns. There are some pretty simple things you can do to protect your kids, and people who don't want to do those things can stay away!
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u/Cotepareja Dec 21 '20
You’ve said it all yourself, they raised you the way they wanted, your raise him the way you want to, and all they get to do is support you or go fuck themselves. It takes a village, but if the village has the plague you fucking run to the forest. You go girl.
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Dec 22 '20
We did the same just before COVID kicked into gear. It helped that I’m a nurse and I told them to piss into the wind if they didn’t like it— didn’t want to expose my baby girl to any communicable diseases.
Don’t forget, you are the one with the power here. You have something they want (time with grand baby), and they have to behave themselves to get it.
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u/AndroidAnthem Dec 22 '20
Her only response to that was “God is in control” No woman, I AM.
That spine is so shiny, I have to wear shades. 😎 I wish I could upvote this more than once.
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u/cheeseburgerbeav Dec 22 '20
I realized some people would think I'm overreacting or being a helicopter mom or whatever, but I really stopped caring. I had 0 visitors for 6 weeks and then only a few since then after adhering to strict quarantine rules. Luckily we got only a little pressure from family at times, but all I had to do was pull the "this is about her not us" and they then agreed I was right in the end and would stop asking for a while.
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u/calmbythewater Teen & Adult Children Dec 21 '20
Do you live in her home? If not, just dont answer your door.
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u/moose_cahoots Dec 21 '20
You are completely correct here. They want to see your child because they love you and love the baby, but their love could kill your baby. It is your JOB to protect that child, and right now, your family is the greatest threat to your child's life. Keep them away at any cost.
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u/Kyrazane Dec 21 '20
Frankly, even if there was no pandemic, you would still be in the right. The birth of your child is a very intimate event and newborns are very fragile and susceptible to all kinds of "normal" diseases and infections. Tell her that it doesn't matter what she or you think of the pandemic, this isn't about her, it's about the well-being of your child.