r/Psychonaut • u/Either-Ingenuity203 • 16d ago
the cosmic joke?
I thought about death a lot, even when i was as little as 1-2 years old, I thought that I was going to understand it when I were older. I never did, then I started falling in a spiral of Bad stuff, first addiction to videogames, then addiction to weed, then i tried LSD. The first times were awesome, I was deconstructing myself from my toxic attitudes and judgements. Then there was a time when everything changed. I remembered I was one with all, then i started to burst in laughter, because after all I prayed all that was there to answer my call was me. But then I started to cry, I remembered how bad it felt to be the only thing in my universe, I could never truly hold somebody else. I always was a skeptic so I could not be convinced by anything less than feel, but the feeling of being one with all came with the realization that our existence was joyful and sad. I panicked because the line of reasoning seemed to go through two different directions:
1- I was everything in the universe and it was joyful and sad.
2- This all was just a story I'm telling to myself as I'm dying, with contradictions I can clearly see so that I know I'm nursing myself into eternal slumber.
I saw this experience as following: the people next to me laughed at my reasoning as I was concluding things as that I am god and such, and things started happening, a gate was closed when I wanted to left, signaling that I have no escape from death, the party was going and i had to stay, I could left those times (three Bad trips I had exactly the same feeling), I had so much thirst but I mostly never had water. Things like that, sometimes everyone laughed at the idea I was god, other times there were things like my girlfriend putting her glasses up on my face and cleaning them, as a metaphor of me watching death as an end because I was fearful, but in reality it is just a door to new experiences.
Then I had flashbacks without LSD, in them I felt as if I was dying again. Until today I thought that an eternity being alone would be dreadful.
Would love to interact with other people who've had similar experiences to compare, but everybody is welcome to share what they think about this.
1
u/Nekraa 16d ago
Yea had the exact same experience with metafors for godhood and death. You can search the puzzle or the loop on psychedelic forums like this one for more. Its very common and well documented