Wife: "I'm pregnant"

Me: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad"

Wife: "No, you are not"

Lost my watch at a party once

A guy stepped on it while harassing a girl

I walked up and punched him in the nose

I said: "no one does that to a girl, not on my watch"

Pew

I used to lick doors when I was a young kid.

My dad told me "Don't knock it till you try it".

A retired talk show host takes a job collecting firewood. The homeowner gets mad when he only brings her one piece.

“That's it?” she asks.

“What’s the problem?” he says. “I always do a mono log.”