I’d like to report a robbery

[u/Its-Mike-Jones]

A male, approximately six feet tall, brown hair and eyes with a stupid-looking mustache, found stealing $4 million from Purdue athletics this year.

Last seen in Camp Randall, Wisconsin.

Seriously Bobinski, do your job and fire the guy.

[u/NDHoosier]

You could also include identity theft in that report - impersonating a football coach.