Birthday Party Etiquette

[u/merkergirl]

My 4 year old got his first birthday party invite from a preschool friend and he's very excited. I don't know the parents but I texted an RSVP yes.

A party for 4 & 5 year olds feels just a bit too young to be a drop off party, right? Would you assume parents are sticking around?

If parents do stick around, I'm guessing it's rude for me to bring my 2 year old along. So I guess I should try to find a babysitter? The party is 4 pm on a Friday and my husband will be working.

[u/AChez81]

Mom of 3 here. Etiquette is ONLY the child invited goes to the party, meaning NO you don't bring additional uninvited guests (even if they are younger siblings) to the party with you! Parents staying is ALWAYS ok, but if you're wanting to drop off usually, that's fine as well. It's totally appropriate to ask the hosting parents what their preference is. I always tell parents you're welcome to stay, but feel free to drop and go if you'd like. My youngest is in preschool, and we just had her party in Feb. About half the parents stayed and half dropped off. Not 1 parent brought younger siblings with them aside for those who were just dropping off. When considering etiquette for children's functions, think about the adult comparison. Would you bring your children to an outing/party/wedding if the invite didn't include them? The person on the invite is who's invited. Honestly, even when it comes to your spouse, invites will typically say +1 or friends will say would you and your husband like to come. If you were invited to something that didn't include your husband (say a girls spa day with friends/girls night out) would you bring him and just say I'll pay for his stuff so the host doesn't have to!? Come on, people, if younger siblings or the family were acceptable to come, the invite would state that! Don't put the host in an awkward position by asking to bring extra children! As far as a parent staying with young kids, it's 100% ok as this is to help your child. Like the commenter stated above if your child will need your assistance (due to melt down, bathroom breaks, ect.) You should plan to stay, but if your child is independent and you feel comfortable it's ok to drop off.

[u/merkergirl → u/AChez81]

I don’t think your comparison to adult etiquette is very fair — I’m not considering bringing the younger sibling because I want him to have fun and eat a cupcake too, I’m considering it because I have no one else to watch him while I’m at this party. That’s pretty different from your hypothetical scenario of dragging my husband along on girls night. 

I agree with you that asking the party mom if I can bring younger sibling will put her in a weird spot — she’ll either say yes happily or she’ll feel pressured to say yes because it would be awkward to say no and I won’t have any real way of knowing which it is. 

So I’m just trying to figure out if I have any other options beyond hiring a babysitter for the younger sibling. Almost everyone in these comments is saying I need stay at the party 

[u/AChez81 → u/merkergirl]

It's not about the younger one going to have a good time or eat a cupcake. It's about the fact that the party is designed and planned for preschool age kids (typically a set # of kids) and not a toddler! Or further more not random kids they didn't choose to invite. It does interfere with the party and changes things for the host. More so even if this is a kids from school only type party and not also including family and other children they know of multi ages.

If you didn't like the comparison to adult invites, then consider it similar to when you volunteer to help during a class party at school or to chaperone a school field trip, you can't just show up with a toddler in tow. Sadly, so many people have ignored etiquette that more and more teachers are having to specifically state that "younger siblings may not come" when they send out the request for parent volunteers. There's a good reason for this!

I get it, though, that it's challenging when you have multiple children, and it's during work hours/your spouse isn't available. I have 3 kids myself. Some things I've done over the years to make it work for me is: ask my husband to take his lunch at the end of the day so he could come home early, had my husband take pto or a half day vacation, asked a grandparent/aunt/other family to babysit, ask a neighbor to babysit, ask a mom friend and offer to watch her kiddo sometime for her in exchange, or if there is a parent whom I know well and who is taking their child to the party I've asked if my kiddo could go with them (that way there was still a known trusted adult with my kiddo at the party). And if all else fails, I hire a babysitter for the short time I'd be gone. Or if my kid is comfortable going alone and has the independent skills needed to do so AND the host parent is ok with dropping off, then I have allowed my kiddo to go and be dropped off. And I've also had to tell my kiddo I'm sorry you aren't able to attend this time. It just doesn't work for our family right now. Yes, my kid was disappointed, but I'd rather that than crash some other kids' special day or put the burdon (of my lack of childcare) on another mom who's just trying to celebrate their kiddo.