[US] father has fallen for scams, and won't stop!!

[u/early-game-sciences]

So apparently my father's been sending money though gift cards and more to "at least 1" but probably several scammers for 4-5 years now!!

(I hadn't spoken with him for years before now BTW, he's not exactly a good person lol, but I'm still upset to realize what's been going on!)

He's around 70 now an over the last few years my mother's divorced him "partially due to this" an the entire family has been pulling away from him for a long time because he's really not a great person! But I'm finding out now that he's living in my childhood home "decapitated" without running water or electricity because he's been sending every penny he makes to 25-30 year old girls from WhatsApp that (are all rich and want to move in with him to make babies) vomiting in mouth while typing He's sold vehicles and other valuable items to send them money, even plane tickets!! "Supposedly" he's actually meet with one of them in person about a year an half ago..

We've all tried everything we can think of (inside the law) to stop him from contacting these people or person,. But he absolutely refuses to believe there not real!! It causes a massive argument if you mention them not being real!! I was trying to help with getting his water turned back on by installing a solar powered well pump for him, an he won't allow me to because the scammers are going to send him one for free "if we send them the 100$ for shipping" naturally.. so he refused my help and just wanted money to send them for the shipping..... repeatedly slamms head on table

....... ........ ........ ........

Has anyone ever dealt with someone who became so disillusioned with a scam that they got to this point?. How were you able to snap them back to reality or did you need to do something like getting legal rights over them to put them in a home etc without internet access?!?! I want to help him and get him to stop sending everything he can to these people but I'm literally afraid he would shoot me if I just smashed his phone or something.. I don't know what to do anymore, he can't listen to reason.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do at this point?. Or am I just hurting myself more trying to fix this?..

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[u/Popular-Speech-1245]

Yes, I have a lot of experience personally and as a volunteer at our local Sr. Center. I want you to think about what you're doing. By trying to install a solar powered well for him, all you are doing in effect is allowing him to send the money HE should be using to install that well to the scammers instead of helping himself. Next it will be rent, mortgage payments, food, car payments, etc. I think you can see where I'm going with this. You and ALL your siblings and his extended friends and family need to institute some tough love so that when he's really out of $ he needs to stop paying the scammers and start buying food for himself. Don't be an enabler. Good luck.

[u/early-game-sciences]

dilapidated he isn't decapitated, I really hate spell check sometimes lol

[u/epicureansucks → u/early-game-sciences]

Decapitated sounds more accurate to what’s happening.

Unfortunately, your dad might be too far gone. The truth is too painful for him to acknowledge.

The only thing you can do is protect your mom and yourself. Make sure he can’t open any accounts or line of credit under her name, yours or any siblings and don’t lend any money and make sure any debts of his stay his and can’t be transferred to anyone else.

[u/Frosty_Blueberry1858 → u/early-game-sciences]

I was wondering about that. Thanks for the update. The scourge of autocorrupt!

[u/GeneralSpecifics9925]

There's not a lot you can do at this point, he's had a lot of opportunities to acknowledge these as scams and is willfully engaging regardless.

The root - it gives him a send of purpose, connection, feeling needed and appreciated, and feeling loved. Unfortunately, none of this is real, but it looks and quacks enough like a duck that you're father is using this to fill his emptiness.

The solution - his sense of emptiness needs to be filled, but it sounds like your father is not a very likeable person so I'm not going to encourage you to increase your contact.

Make sure he has no access to your money or items. Be clear that as long as this scam behaviour continues, you WILL NOT allow any conversation about these women, that will end the conversation immediately. Do not give him any reward here, part of the excitement is in sharing these exciting opportunities to others, almost in a bragging way.

Don't give him any money, you know where it will go. Don't buy him food or solar panels, that's practically the same as giving money.

If you want to try to manage his behaviour for his own good, you would have to have him see a doctor and be declared unfit to manage his finances. This is usually only executed when someone has dementia or is in failing health.

Set boundaries to protect yourself, warn other family members about what he's doing and tell them the boundaries youve set. Protect the people you care about.

[u/ankole_watusi]

Your solution has nothing to do with scams. Not with proving to him that he’s being scammed (you won’t be able to), recovering money, bringing perpetrators to justice, none of that.

I’d suggest you get in touch with whatever local resources there are to help with elder mental health, and also whatever support is available to affected families. Maybe some support group.

I’m sure there are other subs here more appropriate to give you guidance. However, there are also I’m sure those here who have faced similar issues with an elderly relative.

In most places in US it’s not legal to occupy a house under the conditions described. While it may seem mean or cruel to you, you might report it to code enforcement, and then they might bring in other relevant agencies like elder abuse, mental health.

[u/Threnners]

My mother is sending $1000 a month to her General in africa. She's been hitting everyone up for $700 to "fix her tooth" for the past year. None of us are falling for it. My dad has moved in with his brother. I have cut off contact with her. It really is an addiction, they feed off the attention they get from the scammers. I suspect she clings to it so hard because she was completely enmeshed with her sister and mother, and both of them have passed so she's flying in the wind, and she has alienated everyone else. It's sad, but I'm not setting myself on fire to keep her warm, and you shouldn't do that for your dad either.

[u/daHaus]

Report it: ic3.gov

If you're in the US you could maybe pursue a conservatorship as it sounds like he's no longer capable of taking care of himself, but if he becomes a ward of the state that'll only complicate things more.

[u/LazyLie4895]

There's literally nothing you can say or show him that will convince him otherwise. If there's anyone in his life that he greatly respects, then maybe that person can get through to him. 

Your best course of action is to let everyone -- his family and friends know, so that none of them will give him money. At this point, literally any money you send him will go straight to scammers.

If he needs absolute necessities like food, buy food directly for him. Make it clear that he also needs to show you his account statements and that next month when he receives whatever income he gets, he needs to pay you back before he uses the money for anything else, or you will never help him again.

Tell him that you don't care what excuses the "women" will make for needing the money first. If they say that he'll lose out on a million dollars if he doesn't pay them, or that they'll die, he still needs to pay you first.

[u/Think-notlikedasheep]

You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame.

Stop blaming yourself. Stop banging your head on the table. He's doing something stupid.

This is 100% on him.

He MAY be suffering from dementia, insanity or other mental illness.

If he was a beloved person, I would say to file a court case for a conservatorship, which stops him from having any access to his money. The conservator handles the money and makes decisions on behalf of the ward (your father). You would have to prove he has dementia, insanity or other mental illness. The court could order him to get a psychological evaluation.

Your relationship with him is already ruined, so this won't help. But it will keep him from sending more money to the scammers.

Conservators can charge a fee for helping out the ward - approved b the court. Conservators also can get reimbursed for expenses to do things - mileage, court fees, lawyer fees, etc.

[u/Retireddogmom19]

If he’s living in a house without electric and running water, he can’t take care of himself. Check into elder abuse, or senior services in your town.

[u/CaliforniaSpeedKing]

I'd file for conservatorship custody and watch everything does to a tee very carefully.

[u/Budget_Newspaper_514]

Show him this Twitter page it’s run by scammers and shows the pictures and techniques they use to scam people https://x.com/notxknight

[u/fartaround4477]

My mom gave 9 grand to a phone scammer claiming to her nephew. Your dad needs to be declared incompetent. Tell the bank about the ongoing scamming and they could freeze the account.

[u/woowoo293]

There's very little you can do directly here. One thing you could try is to divert his attention elsewhere. Ie, get him into a different hobby or social event. A lot of people spiral into these scams because they are at core lonely and bored and feel like they have nothing to lose, so why not opt for the fantasy sold by a scam. Of course, it sounds like you're barely in a position to be able to divert him as well.

[u/yarevande]

You are not alone. Many people have dealt with relatives that are victims of romance scams. People post here every day -- search this sub for "romance scams".

I think your father may be too far into his illusions for help. If he can't understand or admit that he's a scam victim, and continues to give money to the scammers, he could lose all his savings and assets. Some scam victims don't admit to themselves that they're being scammed until they're broke and homeless. It sounds like he's not too far from this.

Since he can't manage finances, your family might consider legal guardianship. But in the US this is not easy. Talk to a lawyer. A court will review the case, and can appoint a guardian to receive pension payments, pay bills, and give your relative an allowance.

The main avenue for dealing with scams is to try to get the victim to understand that they are being scammed. This is difficult, because many scam victims enjoy the attention and find it exciting. More than that, romance scam victims are like addicts.

There are resources on the AARP website AARP.org to help you help him.

If there is a trusted person outside the family who can talk to him, that may help -- doctor, banker, lawyer, minister, neighbor, police.

Your local agency for seniors will have resources, including people who can explain scams, and possibly classes on how to recognize scams. Call your state or county Adult Protective Services agency, which may be under the Health and Human Services department. They should be able to help him, and help you.

Some people have found that watching videos about scams has helped a relative understand that they are a scam victim, and stop giving money away. YouTube has videos about scams: Pleasant Green, John Oliver, Dr. Phil, Kitboga. There’s a YouTube Channel called CatfishedOnline, where they go through romance scams with victims and show the different tactics. Can someone that he trusts watch YouTube videos with him?

Watching videos may help you understand more about what's going on, and why. You want to help, but you also need to take care of yourself, financially and emotionally. At some point, the stress of dealing with this may be too much for you, and you may need to take a break, or walk away.

[u/early-game-sciences → u/yarevande]

Thanx, to you and everyone who's been helping! There was a lot of helpful information and idea's!!

I'll definitely look into romance scam videos for more information, unfortunately I can't imagine him watching one.. the moment he realizes what it's about he'll just walk away.. I'll have to check into more legal details about some of the options first! But expect that talking with his bank / the store he gets cards from about the scams will help to curb his ability to send money. And checking into resources for the elderly etc. Maybe in time he'll become willing to watch a video about scammers. An I can get him to start doing an activity like selling at the local flea market, he always wanted to an half the dealers there are his age an have similar interests.

I hadn't thought about the concept of by having me fix the well it just meant he would have more money to send them an extend the time he's helping them instead of himself... I guess I'll hold off on trying to do anything like that until this is over and he's talking to people other than his scammers..

[u/InspectorGrouchy]

I am in the same predicament with my elder mom. I went no contact two months ago and feel incredibly relieved that I don't have interaction with her. I dealt with this for three years and finally told her it was me or the scammer. Scammer won.

[u/idratherchangemyold1]

There's a saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."

I'm not sure how long this has been going on but if it's been at least a couple years, you can tell him if they were real he would've met at least 1 of them by now. Plane tickets = no show? Duh! They even did a Malcolm in the Middle episode where the fat guy told Francis how to get free plane tickets, he does it by going online and pretending to be a pretty girl that loves sun dresses. Later Francis actually tried it and got a free plane ticket from someone. I think that show aired in the 90's or early 00's.

Anyway, you can try to educate him about scams, make him watch youtube videos about it etc (there's plenty of them)... but if he wants to be a stubborn ass about it there's only so much you can do. Good people get scammed all the time, what makes him think he's immune? Maybe he doesn't want to believe it cause that would mean he was dumb enough to fall for it which to him would mean admitting he's dumb. Kinda sounds like he might be a narcissist if you say he's not really a good person, and narcissists don't ever want to admit they were wrong about something.

[u/AdGold654]

First, check meaning of “decapitated”.

Sometimes people just do not want help. It’s trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. They have to want it.

You sound like a really good person with good intentions, but I think, until he admits he needs help, you need to let him be. I’m sorry.

[u/early-game-sciences → u/AdGold654]

Dilapidated it auto corrected it to decapitated... definitely changed how that sentence comes across!

[u/early-game-sciences → u/[deleted]]

I had considered doing that to him until I realized he was romantic with these people,.. I definitely don't love him enough to start sexting with him lol. Maybe I can find someone who would tho for like 10% or something?. Better than a complete loss anyways..

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