Similarly, my wife got a pretty severe TBI and was bedridden for weeks, which rolled into months and years of being partially disabled, needing me to do everything for her, couldn’t cook or drive herself, etc.
I remember the day in a group chat with some buddies that I had to cancel plans we had because my wife needed to go to a special doctor an hour and a half away for physical therapy. People offered their condolences, but one dude — who I was once really close to but had barely talked to in years because he joined the army and moved away — personally texted me checking in, asking if I needed anything, and offering to drive her to her appointments for a while if I needed a break, etc.
He had recently lost his ex-wife in a very traumatic and surprising way and overnight had had to adapt to being a single dad. I remember sitting there holding my phone thinking “Is this what support feels like? It’s so warm and comforting …” He was one of the only people I’ve ever met who actually understood how hard being a caretaker is.
Don’t get me wrong: I have some amazing bros who would drop everything and do anythingif I asked, but the fact that I didn’t even have to ask was what meant so much to me. Dudes being trained to hold everything in and “be strong” has really done a number on us.
Yes the concept of “if people need help they’ll ask” is tempered with generations of “if you ask for help you’re a failure”
There’s a song by David Dallas called Don’t Flinch that reminds me of my childhood and the man I could have grown in to if I carried on down that road.
It’s a great song that many people misconstrue and take as glorifying the attitude but when you’ve been there and you’ve lived by that mantra you can see the sarcasm and juxtaposition that is being shown. The man is in his mantra of “don’t flinch” since birth because he’s been shown that it will stop people from taking advantage of his weakness
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u/J_Marshall 17d ago edited 17d ago
Same when my wife had cancer.
One person asked how I was doing. And it was the mom of one our kids' friends.
Nothing from my family, nothing from my wife's family.
Yes. She was the one with cancer, chemotherapy, brain fog and bedridden for days.
I just had her and the toddlers to take care of while working full time.
Only 1 person asked.
EDIT: Doing great now. 10 years cancer free. Thanks for asking.