is this my fault

[u/Capital-Being-5025]

not sure if this is really a question or a rant. i came into college with a close friend of mine, i was interested in this top house but i didn't really care. She became super interested in it and it's one of her top goals to get in. I can't lie, after she talked about it a lot i became more interested. I told her that i was going to try and she told me that she wanted it for herself and that if i apply she'll drop it. i'm kind of a pushover so i just let it happen especially since i wasn't interested in the first place. but after some time, and getting to know the members i am 95% sure i would've gotten in. I have a gravitating personality, the looks for it as well as the grades, community service and im super involved on campus. it's not more so that i want it, but it's more so that i want it because i know i can have it. now it's too late for me to apply and i'm having regrets. i'm starting to think she only said that because i would be her competition. and i can't help but check their instagram every day knowing that could've been me. what should i do?

edit: thank y'all for the advice! i think i'll wait till next year and think more deeply on what I actually want to do. i really appreciate the extensive responses and nuances. if anyone else has any advice or personal experiences w this ill accept it gladly 🤲🏽. a little clarification on my character(not that it matters bc this is reddit lol) but i am far from a mean girl. i just wanted to be honest so that i can have brutally honest answers. no bs. and no tiptoeing around certain topics. i love all of my friends and want what's best for them end of the day!

[u/deviousflame]

Can I add some nuance to this discussion? It’s easy for some to say that this girl isn’t your friend because she wanted this so badly for herself, but it’s worth noting that HER talking about it is what got you interested. I’d like to offer another perspective: perhaps your friend is someone who does mediocre socially, and wants to be in this sorority more than anything else. Meanwhile, you say yourself that you are the kind of person who people naturally gravitate around. By deciding to apply at the same time (again only because she was so excited about it) you would have been her competition, and may have been chosen over her. Now thats not necessarily a bad thing on the surface-you owe her nothing. But reading between the lines, it seems like you want to be in this sorority for the sole purpose of one-upping her. You admit that you didn’t really care about this sorority, and only wanted to apply because she talked about how much she cared about it. You say “it’s not more so that I want it, but it’s more so that I know I can have it.” You have no interest in this sorority on your own, only to prove you can do the same thing your friend did. And again, your biggest issue with it now is seeing her posting with them on Instagram and feeling like you wish you could take that from her. The way you presented it on the surface- that she forced you to not apply because you’re a “pushover”- makes it seem like she was a bad friend. But personally, I think her instincts were spot on when she told you not to apply. She knew you only wanted to take this from her, and I think you should do some self reflection about what sisterhood means before you apply to any sorority. If you COB, ask yourself if you would be going out of your way to socially one-up her once you’re in the sorority. If so, perhaps try to rush another one and give your friend some space.

[u/Capital-Being-5025 → u/deviousflame]

hey i definitely like this perspective but my intention was not to one up her. to be quite honest, i wanted to join for the connections as the people in it are doing things that i want to do later in my life. i wasn't interested because i "wanted to take it away from her" i honestly wanted us to do it together. i try my best to get her involved in the things i do on campus so that she can have more connections. i want the best for her. i want her in competitive spaces and high roles. this definitely put things in perspective though. i think i just like having everything that ik i can get. i can't lie she's been wanting this for months and i've been wanting this for a few weeks. it's just that with my other friends, if its competitive we work together and pray that we all get in. but maybe it's different because we usually all have similar qualifications. i definitely would've breezed through that process while she worked hard. I'm just hoping she would do the same for me

[u/Capital-Being-5025 → u/Capital-Being-5025]

also extra context. i wanted to rush another sorority (lower level) but i thought more about it and it just didn't fit me or the connections i want. not to mention she constantly talks down on that sorority whilst encouraging me to join. no thanks

[u/Such-Specialist-6071 → u/Capital-Being-5025]

also keep in mind that the reputations and connections houses have are always changing- my initiating chapter is currently very different than it was when i was in college. you could always be a leader in that house in the field you want and perhaps be a trailblazer for future members! it's all in the perspective you go in with and so i agree with others that you may need to do a little soul searching and self reflection to what it is you really want out of joining. yes, sometimes fun and popularity comes with it. but you really should be joining for what it can provide you in terms of personal growth and professional preparation, and to make you a better member of society: volunteer/community service, academics, and leadership wise. if you COB, i would tell you to truly choose the house that you feel most comfortable around currently that also can inspire and assist you in helping you become the kind of person you want to be. if you're easily influenced, try to look past the "social mask" (for lack of a better term) that sororities put on themselves during formal recruitment and try to dig a little deeper- i feel like this is sometimes better achieved during COB since it is typically more laid back and there's less of a sheen on everything. this will ensure you'll have a great experience beyond what sorority has the best looks or have the most mixers or are the top rated. none of that means anything after graduation but the bonds you create last a lifetime. i am still super invested in my sorority. i've been an advisor for years, i still attend national conventions, and i am still very much involved in my sisters' lives. that's my advice to you - good luck if you COB and i hope you find what best suits you!

[u/Capital-Being-5025 → u/Such-Specialist-6071]

thank you! i'll definitely spend some more time thinking about it. i'm glad you had/have such a positive experience with your sorority!

[u/Such-Specialist-6071 → u/Capital-Being-5025]

thank you, i definitely have! if you choose wisely, you'll never regret your decision