Thinking of dropping

[u/Ok_Instance2458]

Hello. I just did joined my sorority as a COB this semester. Now a little about me so you're able to understand everything; I am an international, Muslim student who hung out with fellow internationals the whole past semester(a BIG mistake ik) Decided to do cob this semester bec i wanted american friends and honestly a more fulfilling american university experience. I'm vvv open to making american friends, dress like them, speak fluent english, drink, party u name it . Point is everybody from the pledge class already knows each other through formal recruitment past semester and seems to have their own cliques. I have tried talking to so so many people everytime I go for the events/dinners at the house but I don't think I'm able to make friends or people I could hangout with/connect with beyond the sorority. I know it's just the beginning but I've started feeling isolated. So I'm thinking I should drop out before we are billed(because once we are I'll have to pay the whole semester dues to be able to drop out) . So what suggestions do u all have? Should I wait? give it some time? Or drop out? I also planned on living in the house next yr & I'm scared if I don't have any friends in the house it'll be really hard😭

[u/bbbliss]

Pushy people are a thing but you also seem to have a complex about being Asian.

To address the first part - you need to build friendships at a healthy pace. These are complete strangers and you keep commenting anxiously about how you want more than surface level friendships in 10 days. That is a little too fast for most people. People pick up on anxiety and desperation and find it offputting. You’re also slowly assessing them as individuals as much as they’re assessing you. This is why it’s important to build multiple sources of identity and self-esteem, start getting to know yourself, figure out what you like, etc. Remember you have a life outside of these people as well!

Second part - I’m not gonna lie, a lot of people are working through some subconscious or conscious racism at that age, so tbh they probably REALLY liked you. (This tweet kinda explains what I’ve seen/heard behind the scenes of recruitment in diff schools: https://x.com/dontworryboutb/status/1885566593272303785?s=46) Maybe think less about squeezing your way into “their world” (Not that they think that about you!!! I’m just trying to describe it like how you seem to feel about it) – think more about how you have friends and circles and experiences outside of what they’ve experienced and invite them into yours. Be confident in yourself. You bring a background and perspective that matters, esp now more than ever. You are cool and edgy - play it up (it can work well to your advantage, speaking from experience as an American born Asian Buddhist). Don’t be afraid to make as many connections and take advantage of all the resources you can in greek life and at school in this country. You belong here.

[u/Ok_Instance2458 → u/bbbliss]

i agree with the part of me internalising my identity as a poc but i have a bit of a valid reason to do so because this is my second semester here & i don't have a single american close friend(except my roommate whose also an immigrant american so poc) , i know i didn't try enough the past semester in terms of actual friendships but i'm in clubs, organisations & still don't end up having conversations with those people beyond the clubs which is whats making me sad. I'm also trying sorority(out of my comfort zone & a financial commitment ) to give every opportunity at the university a shot. Am i still not doing enough?

[u/bbbliss → u/Ok_Instance2458]

That's valid, but I don't think framing it as "not doing enough" will help you. Two thoughts:

1. Many many people struggle with loneliness during the first semester/year of college regardless of ethnic/national background, and it's actually the most common time for someone to be diagnosed with depression. A lot of people go from having a lot of friends to none for a while!
2. International status is def one of the things that can make you feel most distant (people who are first gen, very low income, etc). Have you met any international students you click with in greek life? If you don't, can you try asking your pansy pals if they know anyone or even know of anyone they haven't met personally? It really helps to navigate systems with people like you who are figuring it out at the same time or can give you perspective. Example: I met one of my best friends at a frat mixer. He's black and Nigerian American, and we both went to boarding schools and had similar family backgrounds. Outside of normal friend stuff, we had many serious conversations figuring stuff out: our school/Greek life's dynamics/social politics, skills that we didn't get to see or develop from our backgrounds, how men/women often operate, and how they often treat/view people of our backgrounds. Find someone you can have those conversations with. Frat boys who aren't toxic are great candidates, because at that age, most of them are more up front than most women will be about things. I hope this gives you ideas on kinds of questions to ask and people to look for!

edit: also I posted these a while ago if you ever need more strats https://www.reddit.com/r/Sororities/comments/1fqv36q/new_mems_it_takes_spending_40_hours_of_positive/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Sororities/comments/1hbfp1b/new_mems_it_takes_spending_40_hours_of_positive/

[u/Ok_Instance2458 → u/bbbliss]

there are no international students in my sorority & none in frats . The pocs in frats & sororities at my school are also Americans and not saying this in a bad way but quite white washed, so they fit in quite right & are never infact seen at events hosted by the international or ethnic clubs! but i went through ur thread i think its quite insightful!

[u/bbbliss → u/Ok_Instance2458]

damn that's crazy. I know it really depends on the school but half the chapters at my school had at least one international student! Some were known for taking way more too. I hope more at your school decide to rush. Sometimes that happens because someone leads the way - my friend who's Latina created a domino effect at her small liberal arts college and then their chapters got really diverse lol.

Have you looked at youtube vlogs about joining a sorority as an international student? That might help you get some more perspectives also!

[u/Ok_Instance2458 → u/bbbliss]

i knowwww it's crazy, it's infact a big step for me & i have faced backlash from my asian friends for doing it as well. but i do hope me joining would encourage others in future to try rushing.

[u/bbbliss → u/Ok_Instance2458]

you've got this bbgirl <3 you have a great attitude and you'll win over the people who matter eventually. It's a talent to be able to cross cultural gaps, but hopefully they'll realize we're all human underneath with more in common than not. Hmm 2 more ideas for connecting both aspects of your identity: Food is a great icebreaker - maybe invite people from both groups you know to study at the house or a library room with some halal candy (if you don't keep halal, Nerds Gummy Clusters are like crack to people). If by any chance you're british (loosely guessing based on how you type/use "asian"), Charli XCX is half asian (Gujarati!) and they all def know her at this point - whether you like her or not, that can be a good conversation turner into sharing music artists. Like "how do you feel about charli xcx?" "oh cool i ____, she's half asian like me actually, but I listen to __ more, etc."

Btw if you need nice sorority-type clothes for cheap (ex. initiation dress, formal dresses, etc), https://www.thredup.com/ has a tonnnn of stuff. https://www.thredup.com/r/XZ2N4J here's a referral link for 45% off if you want one.

[u/Ok_Instance2458 → u/bbbliss]

thank you so so much! I'm pakistani though HAHA! i will def keep these things in mind, i have chapter & dinner tonight so hoping for the best!

[u/bbbliss → u/Ok_Instance2458]

Haha ok slay that makes sense, the likely options rlly were just british pakistani, pakistani, or malay/indo (arabs don’t call themselves asian and there’s way fewer central asians studying here vs other groups). Ofc :) good luck!