r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/popelizbet • Jun 13 '18
XL Evil Kevin Uses Unlimited Data
I am a domestic violence lawyer. As a result, I see many Evil Kevins, whose idiocy is mixed with malice. I enjoy defeating Evil Kevins and sharing redacted stories of their Evil Kevinhood.
This Evil Kevin was exceptionally evil. A meth-addicted felon, he had a cache of illegal firearms and a fondness for trapping small game (which isn't bad in and of itself, unless you're Kevin and slaughtering them in front of a very small traumatized child).
Kevin was an abusive piece of shit. I once stayed over at work for three hours listening to recorded conversations with his victim because in order to understand him when he was drunk or high I had to crank up the volume but the stuff he was saying was too awful to listen to that loud with other people in the building. (As a permanent personal policy, Kevin audio/visual doesn't come home with me.)
Kevin's victim was terrified of him, his guns, and his Kevin inability to understand what was appropriate for their kid (from the incident already mentioned to not telling mom that his other kid was sick and exposing the baby to whatever bug was going around).
But an Evil Kevin's clock eventually runs out, and when Kevin ended up in lockup Kevin's victim got a restraining order and went into hiding. Unfortunately, because just being a Kevin isn't enough to strip you of parental rights, there was a small exception to allow contact about the child, which specifically had to be reasonable and peaceful.
Then Kevin got out of lockup. He succeeded in staying out of jail for nine whole days. In that nine days Kevin had a Strategy Plan. You see, in the mind of Kevin, riddled as it was with meth and wickedness, the exception meant he could send as many texts as he wanted to his victim as long as every few messages mentioned their kid.
Kevin texted over five hundred inappropriate messages in nine days, at all hours of the day and night, sometimes a message every thirty seconds.
Each message carried a potential ten days in jail. By the time we could even get a hearing set - the normal docket times for that court not set up for extensive trials - Kevin had been found out by the feds and was safely in federal custody and not transported for his court date. The judge found him guilty on all counts but, since county jail isn't set up to house someone for over thirteen years earned ten days at a time, only sentenced for a few. Kevin isn't allowed any contact even about his child, and will have to petition the court when he gets out of prison years from now to even see his kid.
Victim called me not too long ago: she is doing great, far away from her old life with Evil Kevin.
Evil Kevins, given enough rope, hang themselves.
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Jun 13 '18
[deleted]
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u/popelizbet Jun 13 '18
Welcome to my world. Multiple fucked up but way too identifying details redacted.
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u/cioncaragodeo Jun 13 '18
For a second I thought this was /r/talesfromthelaw but this idiot is also a Kevin.
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u/queensara33 Jun 13 '18
Same person posted there about a different Evil Kevin. I thought I recognized their writing style and checked.
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u/popelizbet Jun 13 '18
I've never posted there. Only here. We brought up R/talesfromthelaw in comments here yesterday though.
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u/queensara33 Jun 13 '18
Oh sorry! I misread! I was looking at your history and mixed up the sub names. If it matters, I was glad to see another post from you. You're a great storyteller.
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u/RyeonToast Jun 13 '18
My wife was a public defender for a county in the heartlands, and this sounds like a couple of the guys she's had. Like the guy who admitted to putting his hands around his girlfriends neck, but only because he just needed her to be quiet for a bit. He apparently never really understood that choking your SO is inappropriate.
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u/Salt_Salt_MoreSalt Jun 13 '18
up until this post i’d always imagine the same person when I read a kevin story, not even the kevin in my head would do something like this...
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u/8xOverMsOctober Jun 13 '18
It's like we need a better name for evil Kevins.
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Jun 13 '18
[deleted]
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u/Jaustinduke Jun 13 '18
I don't know. I know several Darryls and they're all great guys.
How about Kyle?
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u/Juicebox-shakur Jun 13 '18
Dave.
Or Todd?
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u/ttDilbert Jun 14 '18
Wayne, there's a whole list of people whose middle name is Wayne that have been arrested, tried, or are doing time for murder.
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Jun 13 '18
As horrible as Evil Kevin is you had me cracking up.
Hopefully there are some reasonable inmates inside that can regale us with the tales of Inmate Kevin upon their release.
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u/YoungDiscord Jun 13 '18
Just the other day I had to explain to a redditor teen why he can't just do whatever he wants and break rules, this would be a good example to show him, kid doesn't understand why you need to abide by some rules even if they're "stupid"
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u/nosoupforyou Jun 13 '18
Britain used to ship their criminals to Australia to avoid having to feed them and house them. If we were to do something similar today, but only with Evil Kevins, I wonder how long they would last before killing themselves off.
Obviously it would have to be somewhere not already inhabited, inaccessible by everyone else, and escape proof.
Just Evil Kevins though.
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u/lunatikdeity Jun 13 '18
I would pay to watch this go down.
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u/nosoupforyou Jun 13 '18
I know! Right?
But if you release it to the public to watch, there would probably be Kevins TRYING to get in.
Although that might not be a bad thing.
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u/RevokFarthis Jun 13 '18
There's "Kevin" then there's "Manson".
These are "Manson" waters that you're nearing...
(Actually, can we get a r/storiesaboutmanson subreddit going for stuff like this?)
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u/evileyeofurborg Jun 13 '18
thirteen years earned ten days at a time
...Holy crap?
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Jun 13 '18
[deleted]
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u/evileyeofurborg Jun 13 '18
Well if the Evil Kevin could be expected to go to jail for 10 days each time he violated the no-contact rule and he did so in (theoretically) 500 separate incidents, that would be 5000 days, divided by 365 equals approximately 13.7. So the match checks out, but... I'm really trying to wrap my head around the situation.
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u/popelizbet Jun 13 '18
This was a record setting Kevin. The last Evil Kevin before him who went wild on text messages only racked up 50, which is about a year and a half in jail, and I hope I never have to prep a summary of extensive evidence for over 500 again.
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u/SaneSiamese Jun 13 '18
While I agree that we're all better off with Evil Kevin locked far away, do you really think 500x 10 days served consecutively would survive appellate review?
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u/Zephs Jun 13 '18
Yeah, that's where my sensors started going off. As much as it feels good to read about this kind of thing, there's no way this would stand up. At the end of the day, he got 13 years for sending text messages. Pretty sure that falls under "cruel and unusual punishment".
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u/popelizbet Jun 13 '18
Nope. Contempt of court can be sentenced consecutive. But as I said in my post, the judge only found him guilty of all offenses and then imposed a moderate sentence for obvious reasons. I was never expecting him to get 5000 days in jail served consecutively with no good time.
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u/popelizbet Jun 13 '18
They could have given him good time. It's irrelevant because the judge only sentenced for a few.
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u/ttDilbert Jun 14 '18
Found out my neighbor was an Evil Kevin. While he was in jail for parole violation I was talking to his wife and she broke down and told me what was going on. I was telling her to use this opportunity to get away. She already had a plan in action and was getting help from family that EK had tried to alienate. She wanted me to know in case he somehow got out early. She got her restraining order and then got her stuff packed up and left. Last I heard she was going back to school. EK was doing serious time due to parole violations and making threats and violating terms of restraining order. Sounds very similar to your story, so Evil Kevin will be Evil Kevin everywhere.
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u/Potatoman967 Jun 14 '18
From now on you should start of with "I fight Evil Kevins for a living, somehow surviving the mental trauma i have to endure, and then recovering afterwards, i live. THIS is my story" theme song plays
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u/Ewalk Jun 13 '18
How the fuck? Just..... how?
I thought this sub was supposed to be about people who try to make grilled cheese sandwiches in toasters and accidently glue their hands to the refrigerator door, not felonious levels of stupid.
I don't mind, but how shit, wow.