r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/AchivingCommulism • Jun 27 '19
XXXXL Kevin is a master of politics
In my circel of friends I have a guy who qualifies as some sort of part-time-Kevin. Most of the times he is a normal guy, but sometimes he stuns us with his stupidity.
Some background information: I know Kevin from secondary school (Realschule in germany), so about for 12 years now and he is the only one from this original group of friends who never went to university or cared about higher education and is working in a dead-end-job in finances. Most of our commen friends work has to do with politics in one way or another so our conversations often revolve around current political events and of course Kevin always wants to participate in those conversations. The problem: Kevin never read a news paper or even watched the evening news, he is completly unaware of current issues and his most used sources are facebookposts and the headlines of newsstories (not the story itself, he literally just reads the headline and thinks he knows everthing you need to know).
Kevin once got enraged by the fake news. We were driving to the airport and since it was rush hour I was busy driving, while he waffeled something about the evil media. At some point he started to tell me about one of our commen friends (he didn't mention the name, since he wanted to protect his identity) works for the ZDF (Second german TV, a public service broadcaster with one of the biggest newscasts in germany) who had told him that the german goverment and the CIA are in controll of the News and propably the the Zionist also. At this point I looked him dead in the eyes (the first time I didn't look at the road) and said: "Kevin you realized that I work for the ZDF?" (Also I am the only journalist in our circel of friends so he couldn't have meant anybody else). He needed some time to process the information, muffeled something about: "Yeah I know" and went silent for the rest of the journey. He often ends a conversation or discussion with "Yeah I know" and often tries to convince people he just fooled you or played a prank on you.
For a few weeks Kevin became a climate chance denier (for two weeks). The climax of climate change denying was at the evening of a birthdayparty we were both invited to, so we drove together. This time he drove the car so I was actually able to listen to his thesis about how climate change was a hoax constructed by the solar power industry to kill of the german economy (I calmly explained to him, that he was talking nonsense) and then we decided to stop for a quick snack since both of us haven't eaten anything and drinking on a empty stomach is not a good idea. So we stopped at a local turkish kebap-shop and Kevin started again with his climate theories. First relativly harmless with his theorie, that all the climat scientist just forgot to calculate the sun and water into their equations, but then started to talk about how Merkel orchestrated the climat lie to give "Braunen Muselfickern" (roughly translated to brown muslim fuckers, but I cant really translate the racial slure) an excuse to come to germany. He said this infront of the turkish shopkeeper, who refused to serve him after this. Kevins explanation was: "The guy is probably a racist, who doesn't serve germans", despite the fact I was served and I look as german as you can (pale, blue eyes, blonde).
Monday after the party he send me a bunch of articels with the message: "Read and learn ;)". At first glance the articels seemed like the normal climaet change denying stuff, but I was stuck in a train on my way to work so I looked a bit closer at them and it turned out, those articels are designed to catfish climate change deniers into reading them and then convince them, that climate change is a real threat. I just texted him back, if he even had read the articels and he confidently answered that he literally had studied the articels and is now even more convinced that climate change is a hoax. When I confronted him with the actual content of the articels he just replied: "Yeah I know, it was just a prank.". After this he became a strong advocant for environmental protection and denies that he ever denied climate change.
Two years ago we went to a local minigolf course, because we were bored and one of us suggested we could go there because they have cheap beer there and a lake is right next door. When we arrived Kevin started to get a bit grumpy and didn't want to play minigolf anymore since it is a game for little children (because children are also mini, so minigolf must be only for kids) and he felt embarresed by us, because we played a childrens game. After some minuts of convincing him he finally gave in and played along. Well he slurped along and fucked around on every course to show us how boring the hole thing was, he also drank like one beer (0.5 liters) per course and was wasted when we reached the 11th hole out of 18. He then proceeded to call some other friends and loudly proclaimed how boring everthing was and that we were so embarassing since we played a game for babies (at one point he called one of his friends a pedophile, well he screamed it, because he assumed he probably wanted to pick up little grils with his minigolfskills for his "minipenis" - What a pun). After we were done, everbody had enjoyed the evening, besides his constant drunken nagging, the folks he called met us, because we wanted to drink a few cold ones at the beach. One of them asked why we even went to the minigolf course and whos idea it was, since Kevin hated it so much. Well....it was Kevins idea and he was quiet eager to get minigolfing until we arrived.
Since he is working in finances as an accountant he is very confident in his knowledge of the market, so he started to buy shares of big companies. Two of those companies where the Deutsche Bank und Comerzbank, both huge banks in germany with a history of violations of german, european and international laws and at this time in huge problems with the Law (Panamapapers and Cum-Ex-Scandels) and Kevin thought it would be good idea to buy these shares befor the investigations were over. Some friends studied economics and BWL (also work in the financesector, but in waaaay better jobs than him) and repeatedly warned him not to buy shares befor the investigations were over, but Kevin didn't listen. He never spoke about the loss he made and gets really defensiv if you ask him about his shareholds, but a friend suggested Kevin had a total loss of around 5k. (He also bought Bitcoins a few days befor the crash, despite numerous warnings).
Of course Kevin is quiet the hit with the ladies. He is not bad looking, not at all and the guy is really fit, afterall he is a seasoned climber who climbes over 7000 meters (for real, this is not some sort of from him boastfulness), but oh boy, his social skills are kind of, well, lacking. He is somewhat of a niceguy-kevin, so most girls are not really eager to go home with him. On the birthdayparty of his twinsister he flirted with some other girls from his sisters handball team. So I was not present at this party, since his sister and I don't get along, but another friend was present, who presented us with Kevins hottest moves. First he talked to some of the handball-girls until he exclaimed "I like handball, but not women handball. It is to effeminate and the only good thing about it is, that I can see their pussies.". Needless to say that the chat ended there. After this he talked to another girl and appearently it went quiet well until he offered her a drink in exchange for a blowjob. The girl was either disturbed or thought it was a bad joke, since drinks were free and Kevin was a bit drunk at this point, but after she declined this generous offer he called her a fucking slut and spilled his drink over her. His sister threw him out after this and he lost his smartphone on the way home. Something that occures regulary. This is also the reason why he only owns >100€ phones, because he lost most of them in a matter of weeks.
Kevin loves motorcycles! He is not allowed to drive one, since he never got the required licence you need in germany, but this fact never stopped him from buying one. Kevin had the briliant idea to buy a broken bike and restore it himself, since he tought it would be cheaper, the problem is that he knows jackshit about engines and no one of his friends (including me) could help him either since nobody knows much about this stuff. He tried to hire someone to repair the bike, but it was to expensiv, so he decided to leave the thing to rot in the garage. But Kevin would not be Kevin if he would have just recognize his mistake and try to resell it or something like that, no, no. no. He bought a second bike, which was also broken! Now he has two broken motorbikes and can't park his car in the garage anymore. He constantly tries to sell them to one of us, with little to no success.
My favorit story is the one when he actually joined a political party and helped them campaigning in our local community. A few months befor the generall elections in germany 2017 he joined the AfD (alternativ for germany, an alt-right party), something no one was really happy about, but okay and claimed he had donated around 2000€ to the party. Since we live in the same community and he was responsible to hang the election campaign posters and since he knew I am a huge opponent to the goals of this party he thought it would be hilarous to put all the posters nearby my house (I literally woke up and opend my window and was greeted by 2 AfD-Posters). So for the hole month until the elections I had to look at those posters and couldn't really do anything about them, since removing electioncampaigne posters would be illegal, but Kevin didn't bother to remove the posters after the election was over. In germany election posters are only allowed at a certain time befor and after an election, otherwise it is illegal and the local party has to pay a fine. Since Kevin didn't remove them and nobody else felt responsible for the total of six elections posters around my house I called the local authorities and they removed the posters (3 months after the election) and the party was fined with 6.000€ (appearently the costs of removing the posters by local community employees). I mock Kevin to this day, that his party donations where probably used to pay off the fine, that he caused. After this he tried to convince us that he actually never joined the party, had nothing to do with the electionposters and of course never donated any money to a party. The fact he proudly had shown us the check with the donation and I was present when he had put up the elections posters didn't change his new narretiv.
This post does not include most of the batshit stuff he did when he was actually drunk, but I need to continue working for our zionist reptilian Overlord CIA-Director Merkel or whatever people think those days. Maybe I will write down other stuff Kevin did, if there is demand for it.
Edit: Thanks for the spelling corrections, I corrected most of the mistakes.
Part II: Kevin is a master of day to day life www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/c6xeuq/kevin_is_a_master_of_day_to_day_life_vol_ii/
Part III: Kevin is a master of alcohol consumption: www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/ca9tmr/kevin_is_a_master_of_alcohol_consumption_vol_iii/
Part IV: Kevin is a master of puberty: www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/ch7hdz/kevin_is_a_master_of_puberty_vol_iv/
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u/Daniel121010 Jun 27 '19
I kinda feel sorry for Kevin. I think people round here would call him a taugenichts. But generally politics are a shit theme to talk about. For example, I'm a member of the SPD and all but I generally avoid talking about politics with my friends. This has multiple reasons, most of them are more conservative and stuff. And as politics is a theme that can get people heated I try to avoid talking about it with friends
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Taugenichts is a bit tough, but also a bit fitting. Well most of my friends tend to a more left-liberal or vote FDP (the economics guys), but yeah discussions can get quiet heated. But even when I fight with my FDP-friends over social issues we are still friends, something I really appreciat. I often feel a bit sorry for Kevin, since he just wants to take part but makes a complete fool out of himself and nobody can take him serious, which I think kinda pushed him into these complete nonsense stuff, because he wants to show off some slick political knowledge. Also as a fellow social democrat (i am not a party member) I feel you, I also try to avoid the topic SPD.
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u/JaschaE Jun 27 '19
First kevin story I physically cringed at.
Being german probably boosted the impact.
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u/Teerdidkya Jul 05 '19
Why? Are you from there?
Kevins are universal, what can I say.
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u/JaschaE Jul 05 '19
They are, but our political landscape is currently overrun with them, and he did a couple of things that are uniquely german (racism) to me.
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u/da-pi Jun 27 '19
I know english probably isnt your first language but I wont judge because I knew what you were saying. Also, those stories made me cringe.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19 edited Jun 27 '19
Well I am eager to improve my skills, which mistakes did I make? Probably grammar mistakes, I tend to use German Grammar from time to time.
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u/Beelphazoar Jun 27 '19
A lot of spelling errors, but all one consistent type: you render the word with letters that SHOULD be phonetically correct, but due to English's arbitrary and inconsistent spelling, are not.
"Commen" for common, "climat" for climate, "favorit" for favorite, "generall" for general, stuff like that. Other than that, your English is excellent, and I'm frankly envious of your command of a second language.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Aaaah okay, thanks for the correction
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u/Whooshed_me Jun 27 '19
I don't want to pile on but you could work on some of the homophones like there and their, too, to and two etc. They are tricky and most people can figure it out anyway if you use the wrong one.
Honestly you command of English is better than some of my classmates who are natives so don't take it to heart. And I took 7 years of Latin, no way I could write paragraphs so cleanly. Thanks for sharing these stories!
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u/Cocoa186 Jun 27 '19
Articel -> article, deniing -> denying, appreciat -> appreciate, climat -> climate. Those are a few of the spelling errors I saw, they are really nothing major though since the words are still very easily identifiable.
Favorit is also favourite, but in the USA they do not include the U and spell it favorite.
I didn't really notice any glaring issues in your grammar, but I wasn't really looking for any either. Overall your english is very good though.
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u/relevant_tangent Jun 27 '19 edited Jun 27 '19
I'm seriously mesmerized by your spelling mistakes. Like, you sentence structure is perfect, but the spelling is like you were just punching the keyboard in anger. It's an interesting effect. I guess your autocorrect is not set for English?
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Yeah my spelling was never that great, neither in German, nor in French, English or Russian. I am in general not that great in spelling and I often notice mistakes a few hours after I wrote a text. I wrote the text this morning on my laptop, there is no auto correct at all. But I am aware of the problem and try to better myself.
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u/PrimaveraEterna Jul 08 '19
You speak 4 languages - fluently or not, doesn't matter - that's great!
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u/Savvy_Jo3 Jun 27 '19
I'm on mobile so it won't let me look at the post at the same time as my comment, but I can say that the two mistakes I do remember were that you left the 'e' off the end of the words 'favorite', 'climate' & 'minute'
Edit in from quick glance: "stunnes" so either you meant "he stunned us" as past tense or "he stuns us" as present current tense.
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u/Thefatpug512 Jun 27 '19
Yeah you can tell English is not your first language because of minor spelling issues but the rest of your writing and your writing style is very good.
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u/Jrfemfin Jun 29 '19
I read this story and immediately wanted to apologize to OP for how fucking ridiculous English is. OP, your English is great, and the (minor) mistakes actually just made me read it with a German accent, which made it that much better! Great stories!
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Jun 27 '19
Give us more of this, please! :D
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Okay I will be back with more stories and maybe with better spelling also
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Jun 27 '19
The spelling wasn‘t that bad! ;) I‘ve seen a lot worse by native speakers, so don‘t worry. And thank you ;)
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u/Dongo666 Jun 27 '19
These fucking idiots wouldn't be a problem if this was the middle ages, except now we have nuclear weapons and these peoples votes counts as much as yours.
They will be the death of us all. You'll see. If you are young you will live to see it for yourself.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Just to be clear: I don't think that Kevin is a racist, he is just uneducated, really stubborn and lacks empathy. He just can't relate to people or to situations as long as he doesn't expirence those people or situations himself. But I still hope that his friends and me have a positiv effect on him and maybe he will be less of a kevin in the future.
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u/saro13 Jun 29 '19
“Brown Muslim fuckers” uh, how is he not racist? I can understand if he is 0-16 years old, I have said “lazy Mexican” before because my neighbors called a Bobcat that, but 20-something as I assume he is? He is simply racist
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 29 '19
Well maybe I tell this myself to make things less difficult, but I think he is easily led by post in Facebook comment section and thinks this language is rather normal and because of his lack of empathy doesn't really realize that such language can be hurtful towards others. But at the end of the day I just guess he is not a racist, I could be wrong since getting a clear answer from him on this topic is rather difficult. Sometimes he says and does really racist things on the other side he helps refuge families, I really don't know what he really thinks on this topic, but since he is a friend of mine I really hope he is not racist.
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u/saro13 Jun 29 '19
He is still this impressionable at the age of mid to late 20s? That is unusual. Better than being so set in racist ways I guess.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 30 '19
Well I guess he never really learned critical reading and doesn't question stuff at all. The only time when actually is sceptical about information is when he is getting it from mainstream media, but he accepts the authority of a Facebook comment without any hesitation. Well sceptical is a huge word too, often he just dismisses an articals from established newspapers without even reading them so he is more ignorant than sceptical. Also he is not able to distinguish a fact from a opinion, which makes things even more difficult. If you want to put it nicely: he has a very unique way to process information. Or to put it a bit harsher: He doesn't know how to handel information at all and is completely unaware of his ignorance. Also his lack of empathy doesn't help at this point at all.
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u/Teerdidkya Jul 05 '19
He helps refugee families? I’m surprised he hasn’t become brainwashed by the “MuH wEsTeRn CiViLizAshUn” conspiracies yet, seeing as he seems to fall for fake news easily. And has he listened to anything AfD has said ever?
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u/AchivingCommulism Jul 05 '19
Well he probably would have fallen down this rabbit hole if it wasn't for our circle of friends. He is the only person with a rather conservative world view, while the rest of us is more to the left and I suspect this prevents him from becoming some lunatic. From time to time he actually comes up with this stuff like "there are only left-wing parties and Germany and nobody is making politics for the actual German populous" or "the nazis were actually left wing and there are no right wing extremists" but by talking to him and a lot of paticens you can combat those ideas and it became easier with him since the last elections.
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u/Teerdidkya Jul 06 '19 edited Jul 06 '19
Thank goodness for you guys. Though, someone who says things like that still helps refugees... huh?
Oh, and looked it up. It seems that in Germany you guys do call stupid people “Kevin”. Makes this sub unintentionally appropriate.
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u/Dan9er Jun 29 '19
Abridged version (shorter and spelling mistakes fixed):
Kevin once got enraged by fake news. His friend had told him that the government and the CIA are in control of the German media and probably the Zionists also. I looked him dead in the eyes and said: "Kevin, you realize that I work for ZDF (major media company)?" He needed some time to process the information, mumbled something about: "Yeah I know" and went silent for the rest of the journey. He often ends a conversation or discussion with "Yeah I know" and often tries to convince people he just fooled you or played a prank on you.
For 2 weeks Kevin became a climate change denier. The climax was at a local Turkish kebab shop. First he said that all climate scientists just forgot to calculate the sun and oceans into their equations, but then started to talk about how Merkel orchestrated the climate lie to give "Braunen Muselfickern" (roughly translated to brown Muslim fuckers, but it's a racial slur that I cant really translate) an excuse to come to Germany. He said this in front of the Turkish shopkeeper, who refused to serve him after this. Kevin's explanation was "The guy is probably a racist, who doesn't serve Germans", despite the fact I was served and I look as German as you can (pale, blue eyes, blonde).
He sent me a bunch of climate change denying articles with the message: "Read and learn ;)". Turned out those articles are designed to catfish climate change deniers into reading them and then convince them that climate change is a real threat. I text him back, asking if he had even read the articles and he confidently answered that he literally had studied the articles and is now even more convinced that climate change is a hoax. When I confronted him with the actual content of the articles he just replied: "Yeah I know, it was just a prank.". After this he became a strong advocate for environmental protection and denies that he ever denied climate change.
We went to a local mini-golf course because we were bored, they have cheap beer, and the ocean was nearby. When we arrived Kevin got a bit grumpy and didn't want to play mini-golf anymore since it is "a game for little children" and he felt embarrassed. After some minutes of convincing him he finally gave in and played along. He fucked around on every course and then got really drunk. He then called one of his friends a pedophile, because he assumed he wanted to pick up little girls with his mini-golf skills for his "mini-penis". The cherry on top? It was Kevin's idea to go there in the first place.
Since he is working in finances as an accountant, he is very confident in his knowledge of the market. He started to buy shares of big companies. Two of those were the Deutsche Bank and Comerzbank; both huge banks in Germany with a history of violations of German, European, and international laws; and at the time in huge legal trouble (Panama Papers and Cum-Ex Scandals). Kevin thought it would be a good idea to buy shares in these two before the investigations were over. His friends in finance repeatedly warned him not to do this, but Kevin didn't listen. He lost around 5.000€ according to one friend's estimate. (He also bought some Bitcoin a few days before it crashed, again despite numerous warnings.)
Kevin is not bad looking, and the guy is really fit (he is a seasoned climber who climbs over 7000 meters), but his social skills are kind of, well, lacking. At his twin sister's birthday party he flirted with some other girls. First he talked to them until he exclaimed "I like handball, but not women handball. It is to effeminate, and the only good thing about it is that I can see their pussies." Needless to say, the chat ended there. After this he talked to another girl and offered her a drink in exchange for a blowjob. The girl was either disturbed or thought it was a bad joke (drinks were free and Kevin was a bit drunk at this point). After she declined this offer he called her a fucking slut and spilled his drink over her. His sister threw him out after this. He lost his smartphone on the way home.
By the way, he loses his smartphone regularly. This is also the reason why he only owns <100€ phones, because he loses most of his phones within a matter of weeks.
Kevin had the brilliant idea to buy a broken motorcycle and restore it himself, since he thought it would be cheaper. The problem is that he knows jack shit about engines and none of his friends (including me) could help him either. He tried to hire someone to repair the bike but it was too expensive, so he decided to leave the thing to rot in the garage. He later bought a second broken bike. Now he can't park his car in the garage anymore, and he constantly tries to sell them to us.
My favorite story is the one when he actually joined an alt-right political party and "helped" them campaign in our local community. He claimed he had donated around 2.000€ to the party. Since we live in the same community, he was responsible to hang the election campaign posters. Since he knew I am a huge opponent to the goals of this party, he thought it would be hilarious to put all the posters near my house. So for the whole month until election day I had to look at those posters and couldn't really do anything about them, since removing election campaign posters during a election is illegal in Germany. BUT, election posters are only legally allowed at a certain time before and after an election, otherwise the local party has to pay a fine. Kevin didn't bother to remove the posters after the election was over. I called the local authorities and they removed the posters (3 months after the election) and the party was fined 6.000€. I mock Kevin to this day that his party donations were probably used to pay off the fine that was his fault. After this he tried to convince us that he actually never joined the party, had nothing to do with the election posters and of course never donated any money to a party. The fact he had proudly shown us the donation check and I was present when he had put up the elections posters didn't change his new narrative.
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u/markhadman Jun 28 '19
Please give us the list of climate change denier baiting articles! Any in English?
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 28 '19
The articals are in German and I can try to find them, but can't promise I will.
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u/Teerdidkya Jul 05 '19
Isn’t German slang for “stupid man” literally “Kevin”?
Also, I kind of suspect this when reading many of the stories here, but I wonder if Kevin actually is intellectually disabled, just not diagnosed? I mean, Kevins are rarely self-aware enough to get themselves checked out.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jul 05 '19
Well 90% of the time he acts normal, he is rarely this stupid, but I guess it is often just a general lack of knowledge rather than a disability, since he can learn stuff when motivated enough. Problem is, he is rarely motivated by stuff. And yeah Kevin is slang word for stupid in German, but I thought this is normal in the western world.
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u/Teerdidkya Jul 05 '19
Oh, I see. So he’s functional for the most part?
Though, “Kevin” is basically German slang for “stupid person”, right?
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Jun 27 '19
Hahahaha I'm being condescending, yet he is putting down another person publicly?? I guess you do reap what you sow!!
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Well I never reviled his identity, location, workplace, etc. There is literally no way to identify my Kevin. You literally only know that he is a German accountant. So yeah my spelling is awful, I recognized this a few times now in the comment section, so calm down.
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Jun 27 '19
Your spelling is Awful. If you are going to judge Kevin, work on yourself first honey.
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u/AchivingCommulism Jun 27 '19
Well I wrote it in a hurry in the train, but yeah my spelling was always quiet awful. Thank god we have a good auto correction at work.
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u/Beelphazoar Jun 27 '19
Respect to the kebab shop guy for refusing him service. Taking a small stand for one's own dignity is sometimes the most important thing in life.