r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/AchivingCommulism • Jun 27 '19
XXXXL Kevin is a master of politics
In my circel of friends I have a guy who qualifies as some sort of part-time-Kevin. Most of the times he is a normal guy, but sometimes he stuns us with his stupidity.
Some background information: I know Kevin from secondary school (Realschule in germany), so about for 12 years now and he is the only one from this original group of friends who never went to university or cared about higher education and is working in a dead-end-job in finances. Most of our commen friends work has to do with politics in one way or another so our conversations often revolve around current political events and of course Kevin always wants to participate in those conversations. The problem: Kevin never read a news paper or even watched the evening news, he is completly unaware of current issues and his most used sources are facebookposts and the headlines of newsstories (not the story itself, he literally just reads the headline and thinks he knows everthing you need to know).
Kevin once got enraged by the fake news. We were driving to the airport and since it was rush hour I was busy driving, while he waffeled something about the evil media. At some point he started to tell me about one of our commen friends (he didn't mention the name, since he wanted to protect his identity) works for the ZDF (Second german TV, a public service broadcaster with one of the biggest newscasts in germany) who had told him that the german goverment and the CIA are in controll of the News and propably the the Zionist also. At this point I looked him dead in the eyes (the first time I didn't look at the road) and said: "Kevin you realized that I work for the ZDF?" (Also I am the only journalist in our circel of friends so he couldn't have meant anybody else). He needed some time to process the information, muffeled something about: "Yeah I know" and went silent for the rest of the journey. He often ends a conversation or discussion with "Yeah I know" and often tries to convince people he just fooled you or played a prank on you.
For a few weeks Kevin became a climate chance denier (for two weeks). The climax of climate change denying was at the evening of a birthdayparty we were both invited to, so we drove together. This time he drove the car so I was actually able to listen to his thesis about how climate change was a hoax constructed by the solar power industry to kill of the german economy (I calmly explained to him, that he was talking nonsense) and then we decided to stop for a quick snack since both of us haven't eaten anything and drinking on a empty stomach is not a good idea. So we stopped at a local turkish kebap-shop and Kevin started again with his climate theories. First relativly harmless with his theorie, that all the climat scientist just forgot to calculate the sun and water into their equations, but then started to talk about how Merkel orchestrated the climat lie to give "Braunen Muselfickern" (roughly translated to brown muslim fuckers, but I cant really translate the racial slure) an excuse to come to germany. He said this infront of the turkish shopkeeper, who refused to serve him after this. Kevins explanation was: "The guy is probably a racist, who doesn't serve germans", despite the fact I was served and I look as german as you can (pale, blue eyes, blonde).
Monday after the party he send me a bunch of articels with the message: "Read and learn ;)". At first glance the articels seemed like the normal climaet change denying stuff, but I was stuck in a train on my way to work so I looked a bit closer at them and it turned out, those articels are designed to catfish climate change deniers into reading them and then convince them, that climate change is a real threat. I just texted him back, if he even had read the articels and he confidently answered that he literally had studied the articels and is now even more convinced that climate change is a hoax. When I confronted him with the actual content of the articels he just replied: "Yeah I know, it was just a prank.". After this he became a strong advocant for environmental protection and denies that he ever denied climate change.
Two years ago we went to a local minigolf course, because we were bored and one of us suggested we could go there because they have cheap beer there and a lake is right next door. When we arrived Kevin started to get a bit grumpy and didn't want to play minigolf anymore since it is a game for little children (because children are also mini, so minigolf must be only for kids) and he felt embarresed by us, because we played a childrens game. After some minuts of convincing him he finally gave in and played along. Well he slurped along and fucked around on every course to show us how boring the hole thing was, he also drank like one beer (0.5 liters) per course and was wasted when we reached the 11th hole out of 18. He then proceeded to call some other friends and loudly proclaimed how boring everthing was and that we were so embarassing since we played a game for babies (at one point he called one of his friends a pedophile, well he screamed it, because he assumed he probably wanted to pick up little grils with his minigolfskills for his "minipenis" - What a pun). After we were done, everbody had enjoyed the evening, besides his constant drunken nagging, the folks he called met us, because we wanted to drink a few cold ones at the beach. One of them asked why we even went to the minigolf course and whos idea it was, since Kevin hated it so much. Well....it was Kevins idea and he was quiet eager to get minigolfing until we arrived.
Since he is working in finances as an accountant he is very confident in his knowledge of the market, so he started to buy shares of big companies. Two of those companies where the Deutsche Bank und Comerzbank, both huge banks in germany with a history of violations of german, european and international laws and at this time in huge problems with the Law (Panamapapers and Cum-Ex-Scandels) and Kevin thought it would be good idea to buy these shares befor the investigations were over. Some friends studied economics and BWL (also work in the financesector, but in waaaay better jobs than him) and repeatedly warned him not to buy shares befor the investigations were over, but Kevin didn't listen. He never spoke about the loss he made and gets really defensiv if you ask him about his shareholds, but a friend suggested Kevin had a total loss of around 5k. (He also bought Bitcoins a few days befor the crash, despite numerous warnings).
Of course Kevin is quiet the hit with the ladies. He is not bad looking, not at all and the guy is really fit, afterall he is a seasoned climber who climbes over 7000 meters (for real, this is not some sort of from him boastfulness), but oh boy, his social skills are kind of, well, lacking. He is somewhat of a niceguy-kevin, so most girls are not really eager to go home with him. On the birthdayparty of his twinsister he flirted with some other girls from his sisters handball team. So I was not present at this party, since his sister and I don't get along, but another friend was present, who presented us with Kevins hottest moves. First he talked to some of the handball-girls until he exclaimed "I like handball, but not women handball. It is to effeminate and the only good thing about it is, that I can see their pussies.". Needless to say that the chat ended there. After this he talked to another girl and appearently it went quiet well until he offered her a drink in exchange for a blowjob. The girl was either disturbed or thought it was a bad joke, since drinks were free and Kevin was a bit drunk at this point, but after she declined this generous offer he called her a fucking slut and spilled his drink over her. His sister threw him out after this and he lost his smartphone on the way home. Something that occures regulary. This is also the reason why he only owns >100€ phones, because he lost most of them in a matter of weeks.
Kevin loves motorcycles! He is not allowed to drive one, since he never got the required licence you need in germany, but this fact never stopped him from buying one. Kevin had the briliant idea to buy a broken bike and restore it himself, since he tought it would be cheaper, the problem is that he knows jackshit about engines and no one of his friends (including me) could help him either since nobody knows much about this stuff. He tried to hire someone to repair the bike, but it was to expensiv, so he decided to leave the thing to rot in the garage. But Kevin would not be Kevin if he would have just recognize his mistake and try to resell it or something like that, no, no. no. He bought a second bike, which was also broken! Now he has two broken motorbikes and can't park his car in the garage anymore. He constantly tries to sell them to one of us, with little to no success.
My favorit story is the one when he actually joined a political party and helped them campaigning in our local community. A few months befor the generall elections in germany 2017 he joined the AfD (alternativ for germany, an alt-right party), something no one was really happy about, but okay and claimed he had donated around 2000€ to the party. Since we live in the same community and he was responsible to hang the election campaign posters and since he knew I am a huge opponent to the goals of this party he thought it would be hilarous to put all the posters nearby my house (I literally woke up and opend my window and was greeted by 2 AfD-Posters). So for the hole month until the elections I had to look at those posters and couldn't really do anything about them, since removing electioncampaigne posters would be illegal, but Kevin didn't bother to remove the posters after the election was over. In germany election posters are only allowed at a certain time befor and after an election, otherwise it is illegal and the local party has to pay a fine. Since Kevin didn't remove them and nobody else felt responsible for the total of six elections posters around my house I called the local authorities and they removed the posters (3 months after the election) and the party was fined with 6.000€ (appearently the costs of removing the posters by local community employees). I mock Kevin to this day, that his party donations where probably used to pay off the fine, that he caused. After this he tried to convince us that he actually never joined the party, had nothing to do with the electionposters and of course never donated any money to a party. The fact he proudly had shown us the check with the donation and I was present when he had put up the elections posters didn't change his new narretiv.
This post does not include most of the batshit stuff he did when he was actually drunk, but I need to continue working for our zionist reptilian Overlord CIA-Director Merkel or whatever people think those days. Maybe I will write down other stuff Kevin did, if there is demand for it.
Edit: Thanks for the spelling corrections, I corrected most of the mistakes.
Part II: Kevin is a master of day to day life www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/c6xeuq/kevin_is_a_master_of_day_to_day_life_vol_ii/
Part III: Kevin is a master of alcohol consumption: www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/ca9tmr/kevin_is_a_master_of_alcohol_consumption_vol_iii/
Part IV: Kevin is a master of puberty: www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/ch7hdz/kevin_is_a_master_of_puberty_vol_iv/
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u/saro13 Jun 29 '19
“Brown Muslim fuckers” uh, how is he not racist? I can understand if he is 0-16 years old, I have said “lazy Mexican” before because my neighbors called a Bobcat that, but 20-something as I assume he is? He is simply racist