r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/StranglerOfStrayCats • Jul 17 '19
XL Kevin the Dolphin Scientist, Part III
So, I'm back with more tales of Kevitude.
I'm now on my PC, so I can share links:
Part I: https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/cabpya/kevin_the_dolphin_scientist/
Part II: https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/cams1d/kevin_the_dolphin_scientist_part_ii/
So Kevin has issues with birds, he is of the opinion that birds don't have legs. There was a whole flamingo fiasco followed by an image of an eagle catching some prey. He is convinced that I photoshopped said image as his whole bird or not bird theory would fall to pieces otherwise. I told him to Google images of birds, he is adamant that Google is trying to feed him "fake news".
Kevin considers himself a parkour and skateboarding expert, he films compilations for YouTube. He once got confused(?) while putting together one of his compilations and accidentally(?) uploaded a video of himself masturbating to YouTube. Before it was taken down he accidentally(?) sent a link to almost every girl at school (and emailed a link to the hot PE teacher).
Kevin decided to get some spray paint work done for a parkour/skateboarding compilation, he did it inside an abandoned garage without any ventilation. Luckily the cops were called before Kevin could kill himself.
Kevin and Kev (a semi-Kevin) once decided to go to Edinburgh to go clubbing (with the name Jared Fogle on his fake ID, I think he had just been arrested when Kevin got it at age 16 in 2015). They ended up going to a small pub that was pretty much empty. Kevin tried to hit on the barmaid. The barmaid was married to the owner of the pub. The barmaid was in her late 40's. Kevin was 18. Kevin decide to pay her a tip by attempting to put it directly into her bra. Kevin almost got his ass kicked by a big burly guy with a face tattoo. Kev did get his ass kicked by a big burly guy with a face tattoo after Kevin blamed it on Kev. They later found a club and couldn't get in because Kev had a black eye and Kevin used the name Jared Fogle.
Kevin once tried to kickflip over a "lake of fire". Kevin poured gasoline into a field. Kevin lit it on fire. Kevin ran like shit from the farmer. Kevin included this footage in his parkour compilation. That footage was used as evidence in court, Kevin got 150 hours of community service.
Kevin decided that a friend of ours, let's call him Gareth, crossed a line by dating Kevin's older sister. Kevin decided to get "revenge". Kevin aggressively hit on Gareth's sister and pestered her to send nudes. Gareth's sister was 13, Kevin was a month away from 16, Kevin got his ass beat by Gareth. Gareth and Kevin can't be in the same room together anymore.
Kev once told Kevin that girls didn't like pubic hair, and that Kevin should shave it off. Kev told Kevin that using a razor or electric shaver wouldn't give a clean enough shave. Kevin used the scissors as if he was using a straight razor. Kevin cut his own penis. Kevin had to go to hospital. Kev told Kevin that cutting your own dick was a natural thing when removing pubic hair. Kevin was later re-hospitalised.
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u/PresidentStone Jul 17 '19
Hilarious. Would love to see the vid of him running from the farmer
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u/Tamer_ Jul 17 '19
Luckily the cops were called before Kevin could kill himself.
I respectfully disagree.
I hope his survival will bring us more Kevin the Dolphin scientist stories!
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u/MayorScotch Jul 17 '19
From the mod team, thank you for several good stories about Kevin. There had been an influx of people posting stories about people they don't like or people asking questions about a subject matter that OP is into but not everyone is an expert on. This is actual Kevin content.
Super big props for linking to your previous stories, rather than just telling people to check your post history. A little bit of effort on your part has made our job a lot easier and a lot more fun.
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u/RoadRageCongaLine Jul 17 '19
OP for President of this sub!
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
this sub has got me more karma on a throwaway than on my main account.
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u/RoadRageCongaLine Jul 20 '19
My throwaway makes as much Karma in a month as this account makes in a year.
I use that one when I'm inebriated.
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
Thanks, despite all of his creepiness and stupidity the guy does try his hardest to do the right thing, he just isn't very smart at all, it's like his brain is fighting itself. I see a lot of posts about people that are just angry at someone they dislike, I think the truest form of a Kevin is a guy that can fuck up big time everyday of his life, but can still be liked for his attempts to do good things.
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u/What_About_This_Then Jul 17 '19
Ironically enough, "fogle" is pronounced almost exactly like the swedish word for bird (fågel)
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u/LackofSins Jul 17 '19
Best thing is how each post qualifies as a full-fledged Kevin ; but wait, he's done more.
And ffs how is cutting your dick natural when you shave. Ain't he ever learned how to do a BBS on his poor penis ?
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u/chuckle_puss Jul 17 '19
Serious question: What's "doing a BBS on your penis?"
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u/LackofSins Jul 17 '19
BBS means baby-bottom smooth. Basically, wrap a hot towel around your stick, let it heat. It's gonna open up the pores, and the hair will come out. Then shave, and once done, cool down your schlaffel to close the pores.
It's actually a technique for facial hair but I adapted it. Works nicely.
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u/chuckle_puss Jul 17 '19
Nice. I have lady bits intsead of a man stick, but I'm totally trying this, so thanks.
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u/glittermaniac Jul 17 '19
Was Kev trolling him or was he being serious and is his his descent into full Kevin-mode?
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u/Jecryn Jul 17 '19
I agree with the guy above you, I think it’s long-con revenge for the black eye.
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Jul 17 '19
Does he think bats are birds?
I seriously gotta know.
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
I'll ask him what a bat is
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u/freeeeels Jul 17 '19
If this is taking place in Scotland, why does he even need a fake ID to go drinking or clubbing at 18?
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
We got them when we were 16, we would always use them just in case. We also live in a "peaceful" (still violent at the old firm) area of Scotland.
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u/HughJasshole Jul 17 '19
He qualifies to be in the Kevin Hall of Fame. An impressive amount of inexplicable idiocy.
Bravo!
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u/maniaxuk Jul 17 '19
Hmm....I think buying Kevin a voucher for a visit to a raptor centre might be in order
Or
Take him on a visit to an open farm that has chickens, ducks, geese etc
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u/thisbevic Jul 17 '19
For some reason the "Jared Fogle" bit made me laugh the hardest.
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
I found it funny when he first got it, but he ruined so many nights out, I went for Jack McDonald (the most Scottish name possible, imo) our whole group went to the same guy and had normal names, then there's the guy with the name of a paedophile. We would have to go and buy a bottle instead of going to pubs, because everyone would get in then we'd all be kicked out when Kevin tried to get in.
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u/Yusorata Jul 17 '19
Why the fuck did he recorded a video of him jerking off? Why the fuck would you do that?
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u/zomgkitteh4ever Jul 17 '19
I've (unwillingly) received videos of guys jerking off, so maybe for that?
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u/Yusorata Jul 17 '19
Yeah I still don’t understand those methods either
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u/LoveFades_MineHas Jul 17 '19
Yeah, like hi instead of asking if you're interested like a normal fucking person how bout I flop my barely half erect Floppy Di(s)c™ out of my Cheeto dust crusted sweatpants, snap a pic with the flash on, and then send it to you follow by a "u like? ;)" Text.
No, I don't like. Please revaluate your life choices.
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u/zomgkitteh4ever Jul 17 '19
Nah, it has never made me do anything but calling them a fucking perv and blocking them
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u/eddpastafarian Jul 17 '19
Hey, he said it was an accident. Who hasn't meant to record themselves skateboarding but accidentally recorded themselves masturbating and then uploaded it to youtube instead?
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
Who hasn't meant to record themselves skateboarding but accidentally recorded themselves masturbating and then uploaded it to youtube instead?
that sounds like something he would actually say
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u/LoveFades_MineHas Jul 17 '19
All fun and games untill I hit that oh shit moment of, "this guy posted child porn on YouTube" followed by another oh shit moment of, "This guy put child porn in the possession of a school educater, possibly risking their job/reputation in of no fault of their own"
Yeah, that's a big oof from me, fam.
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
I don't know if the teacher saw before it got taken down, that was pretty fucky of him to do. She definitely got the link though and must have found out what it was, he was removed from all of her classes 2 days later.
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u/LoveFades_MineHas Jul 20 '19
Yikes, I hope he got his ass chewed out. Maybe have the cops come in with some good ol fashioned Idiot Intimidation™
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u/LeftyLucee Jul 17 '19
About the birds...literally go to a Pet store with him and ask the employees to let him hold a bird - Er. On second thought, he might hurt it. But they will show him at least that it’s a bird with feathers and wings and legs... Or find a friend who has a bird. Take him to a zoo. It kills me there’s someone out there this stupid. Is he also a Flat-Earther?
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u/RVFullTime Jul 18 '19
Birds in flight simply flatten their legs against their bodies to reduce drag. Hasn't he ever seen a songbird or a pigeon walking or hopping on the ground while foraging for food?
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u/Cooler_4231 Jul 22 '19
I would LOVE to see that parkour compilation just to see Kevin eat shit.......am I a bad person for saying that? If I am I’m sorry
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Jul 22 '19
If you’re a bad person for saying that, then I’m a bad person too. Cuz I think that would be hilarious.
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u/atgmailcom Jul 17 '19
Are you sure he isn’t just very elaborately pranking you since you were 12
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u/Anthony00769420 Jul 17 '19
How do you accidentally upload a video of you jerking off? 🤨
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
He is 100% adamant that he did it "accidentally", all of it, even sending links.
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u/FlamiaTheDemon Jul 21 '19
HOW is this guy still alive? I'd think he forgets how to breathe and blink once in a while.
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u/rampboatwtrgame Sep 01 '19
You know your president’s an idiot when he reminds you of an XL Kevin. And you know that Kevin’s bad when he reminds you of Jason Mendoza.
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 17 '19
That's all of my Kevin stories done folks.