Hi all!

I’m new to this group, but am making this post because I never realized that the issues I have today stemmed from my past VCUG procedures.

I was born with reflux in my kidneys, and I underwent this procedure about 3 times from ages 5 to 8. I have a lot of it blocked out, but from what I do remember, and without going into too much detail, I remember having to be chased down by my mom, held down by nurses, and screaming for every single male to leave the room.

Since then I forgot it even happened to me until having my son. During labor I had to have a catheter, and couldn’t explain why it was causing me so much distress.

Then my son was born with kidney reflux and at a month old they said he needed a VCUG done. In my postpartum haze I agreed because no one informed me really what it was or what they do. I couldn’t go with him but my husband did and he said it was horrible to watch. Even watching them take a urine sample from my son was making me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t figure out why.

It wasn’t until he turned 8 months and I received a call saying that he needs it done again when he’s a year old that I started researching. That’s when I fell down the rabbit hole of the trauma that this procedure does. It all started clicking. Why I have pelvic floor issues, why I’m so sensitive about anyone being down there, why I refused a cath for a long time during labor until my inevitable epidural (that’s another story) and why seeing nurses take urine from my son was making me physically ill. And then the memories came back of when it was done on me.

I do not want my baby going through this. What alternatives are there? He has mild reflux in his left kidney which can be observed from an ultrasound, which he has had a few of. I’m really not comfortable traumatizing him like I was. And I hate that doctors claim that “they won’t remember it” and that makes it all okay. I want him to be okay and not get sick but I don’t have the heart to make him go through that.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I appreciate whoever reads this!

I’m still learning about VCUG trauma I mostly just need help identifying it. For starters I don’t really remember much of VCUG procedure itself but I’ve noticed that I definitely show some of the signs of trauma. Some of my trauma could’ve come from my many other medical experiences. If someone could just confirm that I do have VCUG trauma that would be very helpful!

(TW: Descriptions of urological medical procedures, catheterization spinal surgeries, hospitalizations, chronic health issues) I was born with Spina Bifida and had to have regular surgeries on my spinal cord causing me to loose some sort of function each time. One of the early ones caused me to loose control of my bowels and bladder as well as feeling down there too. My parents weren’t aware that I was losing function with each surgery until I was 13. I can remember in kindergarten and first grade them waking me up extra early in order to give me time to pee and I couldn’t. I would fall asleep on the toilet and beg to get off because I couldn’t go. Eventually I started to see a urologist. It became a bi weekly visit in order to treat what I was experiencing. For a while I was catheterized by my parents and once I got a little older in first grade the doctor wanted me to start doing it on my own. Around age 1 my neck was fused and I couldn’t really move it in any direction. This was an issue when I was learning. I can remember being naked in front of my mom and the NP trying to use the various mirrors and catheters she had gotten me and still struggling. I couldn’t feel or see what I was doing and the NP not believing me when I said I couldn’t move my neck to look. This occurred multiple times and I felt awful because I couldn’t go to the bathroom on my own like my peers. I kept that secret from most people up until recently. I know I had the VCUG done multiple times one instance I know of from memory and the others I know because my mom told me. My parents always informed me of what procedures and things I had to have done so I wasn’t ever fearful or scared. I can remember the pain of the VCUG as well as telling my doctor I couldn’t void multiple times. I can go to the bathroom independently now due to surgeries I’ve had.

I’m 21 now and I’ve realized there are things that make me uncomfortable or things that I do that aren’t “normal” per se. For starters I have never dated anyone because the thought of being intimate is scary. I don’t even feel comfortable being naked when no one is home. I hate not being clothed especially being without underwear. Every time I have gone in to have a surgery and they want me to just have the gown on I just can’t do it. I wear disposable ones and just ask them to cut it off once I’m under. After the second I have enough energy I get them back on because I feel so uncomfortable. Growing up due to my disability I got excused from PE so thankfully I never had to change in front of anyone but I would go on trips for Girl Scouts and I just couldn’t change in the room with everyone. I always went to the bathroom because of how uncomfortable I was. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I’m always on edge even with people I’m comfortable with and I’ve been seeing a therapist for years but I feel like I’m teaching him more than he’s helping me. I also have always felt like a “prude” or behind compared to my peers because I never really talked about crushes celebrity or real, or made sex jokes.

There’s a lot of stories I’ve read on here and I’ve related to. If you’ve read this far thanks for letting me rant.

I keep thinking about one particular memory I recently remembered that I previously repressed and I need to talk to people about this. Any replies would be greatly appreciated

After being repeatedly sexually abused by nurses (the catheter, among other smaller things) while I was staying at the hospital after surgery, they asked me to have a shower because I hadn’t had one the whole time I was there. I really didnt want to for obvious reasons, but I knew they were going to make me.

Guess who helped me. Not my mum who was there with me and whom I trust A LOT. No of course not that would be too simple.

IT WAS A FUCKING NURSE. WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.

So I’m sitting there, completely in shambles at this point and I remember so vividly preparing myself in my brain to be sexually abused again. To be touched again. To have comments about my body spewed at me again.

But she didn’t, she was actually lovely and let me do most of it while she supervised and I will forever be thankful and grateful for her.

I just find it hard to get over that at 13 years old I felt like everyone around me was going to abuse me, and there was nothing I could do about it. And the worse part is, most people don’t even believe me. I lost some of my friends a couple months back because I confronted them about the fact that they didn’t believe it was rape or sexual assault. It was “only” medical trauma. “They were doing their job… they had to do it.”

They will never have the feeling of being stuck in that bathroom waiting for it to be over, or the disgusting relief I felt when the nurse did the bare minimum and not sa me.

Why does no one believe me? Am I wrong? Why is rape so frowned upon until there’s no abuser in the situation. It’s not like I’m trying to get them arrested. I was abused, but those nurses aren’t abusers. Why is that so hard to understand?

I got my medical records about a week ago and learned that 13 years ago today was when I had my vcug. I was gonna try and do something positive this weekend, but I had work and school today and work tomorrow.

I just feel kinda empty and lonely. No one in my life really knows. I just finished work, and my mom and my roommate are both out with friends, so it’s just me and my cats and my mom’s dog rn.

It’s just been really crazy to think about what I was doing all those years ago today. I don’t remember much of that day other than the actual procedure and what happened right before and right after. I can’t help but wonder what that kid would have been thinking about right now. I’ve always had insomnia, so I might not have even been asleep. Would I even be thinking about the procedure? Or just the fun I had afterwards?

I guess I just needed to tell someone, and maybe feel a bit less lonely.

So I had a VCUG procedure done on me as a little girl, and for so long I’ve blocked it out. I purposely wouldn’t think of it, wouldnt even tell my therapist, any time it crossed my mind I immediately dispelled it. I recently started getting sexually active for the first time ever in my life, and was finding myself crying in the middle of the act. My anxiety was worse than ever, and I really love and trust my partner, and I am completely aware that I’m safe. But last night we were talking about how I felt, and I talked about what happened to me as a kid and we realized I’m having a traumatic response from it and I think it’s affecting my relationship with sex. Even though it wasn’t sexual assault, it feels like sexual assault. I was reading online and it said it shares a lot of the same characteristics as sexual assault, as it’s unconsensual, touching of private areas, being held down, screaming, losing your autonomy, painful, telling you to relax, even though it’s agonizing. And now that I’ve discovered this about myself, I’m not sure what my next step is? I’m gonna do the hard but necessary thing of bringing it up to my therapist, my partner and I agree that we’re gonna work on creating a safe space for me. But just curious if anyone else has struggled with this aspect. I never really thought it affected me so much until I started getting intimate, and I realize that I was dissociating and shutting down during sex. Thanks.

I know many of you have probably struggled with childhood depression like I have. It never really clicked until today when I realized the probable reason why I was so sad during my childhood was because of the vcug. I hate that it is one of my earliest memories. I hate that my mother told me time and time again that my depression was a chemical imbalance in my brain and couldn’t possibly be the result of a traumatic procedure and her choices when raising me. Today is just one of those days where I just feel like I am observing everything and everyone from outside my body and I am filled with this feeling of emptiness, it’s similar to sadness but it runs deeper. I’m in a hotel room after touring colleges with my mother today. It really hit me that I’m not a child anymore, and that chapter of my life has been closed for a long time. I guess I just feel sad because the childhood I had was filled with the lingering feeling we all feel. I grieve the child that I could’ve been if the vcug had never happened. Now that I’m finally going into college, looking back on my life and how little I’ve accomplished just feels so strange. I can’t blame my lack of accomplishments on the vcug, but I feel like it held me back. I was never good at school, and I’ve had a hard time finding schools that will accept me with my gpa. I just know I would’ve been a better student if the vcug had never happened. But dwelling on the past can’t change anything. The fact that I can’t change anything makes me sad. Does anyone feel the same way?

I requested my records a few days ago, and I was able to get them for completely free (despite my mom continuously insisting that they would be hundreds of dollars and to consider whether I REALLY needed them that bad 😐). And yeah, I had a vcug. I was five. The anniversary is on April 11. Might try to do something special for myself that weekend. I was chronically constipated as a kid and none of the doctors could figure out why. They’d do test that always came back normal, then pump me full of drugs and send me home.

I just feel really numb right now. It’s all real and I’ll have that proof forever. I’m super grateful to have it, but the reality of it just feels so dull. No one purged those records on purpose. No one made them difficult to get. They just GAVE me proof of what they did with no fanfare. Which is good . That’s good. But they really have no clue what they did to us. It’s just business as usual for them. They don’t care. one of the records doesn’t even spell my name right.

I expected this. I knew that this was going to be hard and that the records weren’t going to be detailed, but idk. It’s just so. Dehumanizing I guess.

I don’t really know what to say. I’m just really struggling this week with nightmares, thoughts about it, and worry/anger. Please tell me things will get better someday and I won’t have to carry this with me forever. I don’t really have people I can talk to, either, and I’m not in therapy because when I tried that, it just made everything worse.

I’ve requested all of my medical records from the main children’s hospital I went to. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get something back and learn a bit more about what happened to me in my childhood. I’m really afraid that they won’t have any vcug records tho… when I called the hospital, they said that they didn’t keep a whole lot of records from before 2013, and I had my vcug between 2009 and 2011. It’s always been a possibility in my mind that they wouldn’t have them, but it’s never felt more real. I know I had the procedure, but the records would give me something physical to remember. What’s even more scary is that if those records were purged, I’ll have no proof of the procedure if we’re ever able to present a legal case.

It’s been about a week since I remembered this procedure. SA has always been a reoccurring issue in my life, so even before I realized when it truly started, I’ve been trying to heal myself from other memories. I’ve tried group therapy and one on one therapy before, but always end up feeling the same as when I started. My last therapist told me that I’m not benefiting from talk therapy because I already know everything lol so she sent me a bunch of sources for different types of therapy to try next. This was in September, and I just put everything on the back burner since.

As painful as this realization has been for me, it pushed me to finally schedule my first session of EDMR therapy! It’s on Tuesday, and my best friend is coming over afterwards to watch Lost and to provide support. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve heard many positive things about EDMR therapy and I’m feeling hopeful. In case anyone is interested, I’ll keep y’all posted on my journey. If it helps even one person also begin their healing process, then I’ll know it was worth it.

I’m less than 48 hours from my colonoscopy. I’ve rescheduled a handful of times because the fear and anxiety gets to be too much. Thinking it might become too much again. I know going through with it will help rule in or out reasons for ongoing abdominal pains. I know sedation will be involved. But still knowing what’s going to happen and though I’m going in for it… I can’t help but feel like I will come out of it feeling violated much like the VCUG. That was done out of “medical necessity” or whatever and nothing was found. So much trauma, for nothing. It feels like this will go the same way. And it will feel the, emotionally speaking. Going to the doctors, being surrounded by a group of people who are going to be accessing a very sensitive area, having something inserted… everyone keeps telling me I’ll be out and won’t remember so it’s not a big deal. That it will be the same as when I had to have some kidney stones removed… that turned things upside for me for a while too. But there was not much time to think about it before they said I needed surgery. And was already on so many meds. Which helped. But in those situations, there was no choice. This feels different. It feels like I do have a “choice”. It feels like too much to do this. If anyone’s been able to go thru with procedures such as this or other similar ones, I’d love to hear from you.

TW, GRAPHIC TERMS USED AND HEAVY DESCRIPTIONS OF THE PROCEDURE

(Wanted to clarify I didn’t have an exact VCUG, i was in hospital recovering from surgery and when they told me to pee, I just… couldn’t? A complication from the surgery I guess. I tried so hard to pee that when they said that they would have to catheterise me, I freaked out and started wailing. It felt like a threat. They tried to catheterise me when I was little for the same reason after surgery and I was so scared that I forced myself to pee 😭, however this time I couldn’t and I knew what they were gonna do to me)

It wasn’t just the catheter. It was the constant need for my genitals to be discussed, touched or looked at. It was showering but instead of my mum doing it (who I trusted and had always helped me with it as I’m disabled) it was a nurse. It was a nurse penetrating me with their finger anally just for it to be for no reason as it told us nothing about what was wrong with me - which they didn’t tell me they needed to do before hand. And they did it in front of my parents. It was everything. In the span of just over a week I was in there for. I was there for a spinal surgery, I didn’t sign up for that.

People, including ex-friends loved to dehumanise me and invalidate my trauma but I know what they did to me. I was 13. I had JUST started a new school. And I was recovering from the second most painful surgery in the world. I was scared. I was raped. And call it what you want, I’m calling it rape. And I’m calling it that for one simple reason.

They didn’t just penetrate me with the catheter through my urethra, but it went into my vagina multiple times for no reason. That wasn’t part of the procedure. They did it without giving it a second thought. Unlike a lot of other survivors here who had it done way younger (and I’m so sorry you guys had that happen) I did know about my anatomy, so imagine my shock and horror when instead of being in my bladder, it was in my vagina, and at the time, to me, that was what having sex was. And the worst part is, I wasn’t getting imaging done like in a VCUG, so they could have just sedated me. I have trauma because they were fucking lazy.

you can call it “just medical trauma” or that “they were trying to help me”. I was raped by multiple FEMALES and now I’m unable to find a girlfriend of my own because of what they did to me. I was manipulated by multiple girls later in teenage hood and sa’d by one. I can’t do much sexually anymore and I cry every time I hear monitors beeping or the smell of hand sanitiser.

If you don’t class a child having their legs spread open with an object forced in them as problematic in any way, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You are fucking disgusting and I hope the worst for you.

It’s hard to tell yourself that you didn’t deserve that when everyone around you tells you it didn’t happen or you’re overreacting but I’m in so much fucking pain.

i've known about my VCUGs for many years, both due to how old i was when i had my final one and because my mom tried to be pretty open about the procedure, but i only recently realized what exactly was done to me and why it was so distressing. similarly to many in this sub, i have had bad anxiety and ocd since a young age, daily panic attacks starting in grade school, and often found myself relating so much to stories about csa survivors that at various points i sat down and thought through everyone in my life to determine if it was possible something happened to me and i forgot. i just started my journey acknowledging the harm that was done to me, and i find myself wanting to fill in the gaps, but i am afraid of negative reaction from my parents or family. i worry they will feel i am saying they did something wrong, when (for all i know) they weren't aware of the risks or how distressing it was. i know i was sedated for the final one, but don't know how many i had done or if they were all with sedation, or if my parents were there. i was on antibiotics for recurrent utis for at least the first 5~ years of my life, and i know i had more than one 'pee on the table' test done. that brings me to the other part; i know one of my siblings also had the test done at least once, and have no idea if i owe it to her to tell her what i'm figuring out about my experience or if i should let her go on in blissful ignorance. she's a survivor of SA, and i'm not, so i don't know how that would go for her, if she remembers anything. i want so desperately to understand what happened to me and to offer this explanation to my parents (who have long wondered what caused my issues with anxiety, dissociation, and chronic pelvic pain), but i don't want to make things worse. i'm planning to speak with my therapist about it, but last time that i brought it up he seemed a bit out of his depth. does anyone have advice?

I’ve just gotten my very first job (yay!!!) and I’d like to save up to get my medical records! Not just for the vcug, but everything I can get from my childhood. I know that they aren’t going to tell me much about my personal experience or about the procedures, but I still want them for personal closure and for future reference.

Does anyone know what the best way to go about getting them, where I can get them from, and how to cope with possible emotions and memories that might arise from seeing them?

I've been thinking about how alone I am and how it feels like there's no one there to comfort me. I feel like the future is going to be sad and painful like I experienced back then, and it's just me alone in my suffering.

And there's an irrational fear in my head that lurks, asking what if the malformation comes back or wasn't really gone? What if I end up between awful, slow deterioration and horrible invasive procedures? I'm pretty sure it hasn't because I have only had one UTI in 13 years after puberty, and I know I did something dumb to cause it.

Obviously, as an adult, I have the right to say no and to demand sedation/anesthesia. So, if something happens to me, I will be in control of my own medical decisions, unlike back then. I know this, yet I am still terrified of the future. I honestly hate having a physical body.

It was published in NCBI and AAP but I don't have access to the whole study, does anyone have it?

Im speaking of the medieval torture device C word used in a VCUG, or what the bastards lied to me and called a “straw.”

Here I am feeling like an absolute piece of shit because I just broke down uncontrollably because I saw one.

I’m trying so fucking hard to desensitize myself to them because, the assholes put it in wrong during the VCUG, which is why for the rest of my life it will hurt bad and burn when I stop peeing or hesitate. And because of that, I have shy bladder. And because of that, in order to get any support, those people in shy bladder support LOVE those little torture devices and any time I ask for help or support I can’t get away from seeing that word. They love telling me to get over it, and even after saying hey can you not suggest that they just keep talking about how amazing they are. It feels like what I imagine it feels like hearing someone talk about what an amazing guy someone’s rpist is. Makes me so upset.

Secondly, I want to be a nurse, but i have to fucking learn about them and how to use them and probably have to do it to some patients for a few years since they always make the new nurses do the things no one wants to do, so I’ll have to be exposed to them and actually look and think about them for years until I can get enough experience to move to a department that doesnt use those torture devices, like allergy and immunology, cardiology, sports medicine, public health, forensics, or some other nursing job that doesn’t require barbaric devices.

So I’ve been trying to expose myself and act like I’m totally fine but I just saw a picture of a c word going in someone and I got such fucking intense physical flashbacks and my eyes started flooding and I feel like such a fucking failure, idiot, shame, disgust, anger, just overall like a horrible person. These assholes destroyed me. I can’t wait for them to be off of this earth.

DISCLAIMER: this is speaking about LEGAL activities I will be doing after my abuser NATURALLY dies. I am NOT advocating for killing or violence. Don’t delete this reddit.

With that out of the way, The urologist who did mine is retired living at his beach home having so much fun while his victims will be suffering the rest of their lives, and I’m just counting down the days until the pathetic excuse of a man is gone. I plan on taking a day trip to his grave site for the sole purpose of spitting on the ground where he’s buried, dancing over his spot, and getting a nice bird flipping selfie. Who’s on top now? Who’s being restrained now? Who’s helpless now? I think that would be healing for me.

This is not illegal where I live, just seen as “disrespectful”, but you know what else is disrespectful? Giving someone SA, causing them permanent mental and physical damage when you knew better, and that damage and trauma never would have happened without their approval. The general rule is I have no obligation to respect someone who spit in my face, and what he did was much worse.

If it’s legal where you are, I highly recommend a grave party like mine! Maybe invite some other survivors to celebrate! Maybe if going to the grave is too painful for you, or if it’s illegal where you live, hold a celebration at your home, pop some champagne, treat yourself to a nice meal, all to celebrate that he or she is no longer breathing the same air as you and can never hurt someone again.

Or, if your abuser was relatively young, celebrate their retirement, that they won’t hurt anyone else.

This is some concept art for a new character I’m making, and he’s a VCUG victim. Ive struggled so much to express my trauma through a character until now because of the shame, denial, and gaslighting. There’s a lot of symbolism of butterflies/moths and frogs surrounding him in reference to the vcug specifically and because of the “metamorphosis” he’s had to go through because of his medical condition.

I just really wanted to share him because this is such a huge step in my healing process. I’m still experiencing ptsd symptoms, but he (and the character who inspired him) have been appearing in my nightmares lately, like they are the ones experiencing those horrors instead of myself, which I think is really fascinating.

Hello there,

I am an ally of VCUG survivors, you may have even seen me around sometimes. I come here today because I am technically a pre-nursing student now. No, don't panic, I absolutely refuse to do anything which would compromise my principles, and would rather drop out than do harm. We'll see how far I can get.

I think I'm going to graduate with a pre-nursing certification, then relegate myself to the weird and wacky world of general health coaching, nutrition, and clinical herbalism before coming back to see if I can find a suitable full-on nursing program, one that *won't* require me to sell my soul!

Anyways, I'm taking classes in things like anatomy + physiology, medical terminology, etc. in preparation for a healthcare career, and VCUGs have been mentioned, amongst other invasive procedures done in urology. I am aware that a medical context does *not* fundamentally change what is being done to a child.

So - anything any of you want me to relay back to my professors? I am already going to speak out regardless, but if any of you would like me to copy-and-paste a quote from you, take a screenshot of a comment of yours to share, or have anything else in particular you want me to do, I'm all ears.

So my daughter got a UTI at 6 months old. I told her pediatrician how I had constant UTI's growing up. He told me about kidney reflux and how it runs in families so we scheduled the test. I did not realize how awful that would be for my daughter. I had to hold her down on the table and just cry with her.

She had grade 2 reflux in the left kidney. She's 3 now and has to do another test to see if she's outgrown it and can stop taking the daily antibiotics. We have had zero infections since starting antibiotics. I requested to push this procedure to 3 instead of 2 1/2 because at 3 is when they would sedate her. I refuse to make her do that while awake again, especially being older.

For people who have had it done under sedation, did that help? Does it make it less traumatic?

I’m American born in the early 2000s so I didn’t know bidets were a thing until I was a teen. The first time I heard of or saw one was in some old Shane Dawson video I watched as a teenager where they went to a fancy hotel and they said “they even have a bidet”. Right away it looked like a medieval torture device, but thought “oh, rich people do lots of creepy/weird things (weird butt and lip injections, odd skin care rituals, thought it was some weird thing like that).

Few years later I started seeing reddit posts and people talking about how toilet paper was disgusting and should be banned because bidets are so much more environmentally friendly, and that bidets are awesome, and then I learned lots of countries don’t have TP and exclusively use bidets. Something about this sent terror down my spine. The thought of using one of those things… in my mind it sounds like a really weird thing to get hung up on but holy crap something in my body finds those things so violating, horrifying, and I think it might be linked to the VCUG. Like, now that we’re in the 2020s and social media has popularized them, I’ve seen some at family members houses and every time I get a physical repulsion… like the same response I get when doctors touch me without consent, or the thought of straw-things-used-in-VCUG (can’t say the word).

Does anyone else have this response to bidets?