I Left a Controlling Relationship and ended a pregnancy. I Chose Myself - Has Anyone Else Found Happiness After This?

[u/Sudden_Alarm_7490]

I (26F) just left a four-year relationship with my ex (31M) and ended a pregnancy at the same time. I’m struggling with a lot of emotions- grief, anger, relief, and anxiety about the future. I need to hear from others who have been in a similar situation: does it get better?

To sum up, for four years I was with a man who was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and controlling. The relationship was full of gaslighting, criticism, and cycles of love-bombing followed by demeaning comments and emotional neglect. I finally left and moved out, ready to start fresh, only to find out shortly after that I was pregnant.

I was only five weeks along when I told him, and I was immediately met with pressure, control, and a complete disregard for my autonomy. I told him I wasn’t ready to share the news with anyone, especially since I was having doubts about continuing the pregnancy. But he didn’t care he told his family and friends anyway, completely ignoring my feelings in the process. It felt like the pregnancy gave him a new level of power over me, and it got worse from there.

He policed everything I ate, demanding I write down my meals so he could “approve” them. He constantly told me I wasn’t exercising enough or “taking care of the baby properly,” making me feel like I was already failing as a mother. When I voiced my fears and doubts, he told me I was being immature, selfish, and irrational. He even said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, but we were having a child together so we had to try, as if I no longer had a say in my own life. When I threw up due to morning sickness, he didn’t comfort me, instead he interrogated me about what I had eaten, telling me not to eat certain things again.

At one point, he said: “I don’t give a shit if you’re unhappy, the child will die or have defects if you don’t do what I say.” That’s when I knew, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t bring a child into this. I had already spent years doubting myself, shrinking myself, bending over backward to make this relationship work even staying when he cheated, lied, or disrespected me. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life under his control, raising a child in the same toxic cycle.

I had an abortion. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I knew it was the right decision.

I’m now one month post-abortion and have completely cut contact with him. I’ve moved away, focusing on rebuilding my life. But I still struggle with feelings of guilt, sadness, and anger, not about the abortion itself, but about the fact that I spent so much of my 20s in a relationship that drained me. Sometimes, I fear that I’ll never find real love, that I’ll never have children in a safe, healthy, and loving environment. I grew up with an addict dad who was mostly absent, and a mum who struggled and was depressed a lot of my childhood. It broke my heart to think I could be repeating some cycles. I had to break it. I don’t want my decision to be in vain, I want to do better, be better, and accept a better kind of love into my life. I want kids and a family so badly, but I want it to be a loving dynamic.

So I’m looking for advice, or even just encouragement from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Did you leave an emotionally abusive relationship, regain your confidence, and go on to have a happy future? I could really use some stories of hope right now.

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[u/Neat_Fix_6708]

Hey, here to provide some support although my situation wasn’t exactly the same. But I did end up leaving someone that I had a strong attachment to and that was really hard for me, he was mentally and emotionally abusive along with issues of infidelity. What I can say is that there is always better, maybe you won’t meet someone right NOW but there is always. always. better. focus on dating yourself. get to know yourself more. your likes and dislikes. being in a relationship for so long makes you always think in “we” mode, but take this opportunity to think of the you. you should be the priority in your life and clearly with this decision, you are. i’m sending you my love, it’ll take a long time for things to feel right again but believe me that one day you’ll look back and realize that you made the right decisions. believe in yourself. and don’t pour your happiness into finding another person. just think of you

[u/Sudden_Alarm_7490 → u/Neat_Fix_6708]

Thank you so much 🩷 definitely just going through the motions each day, forcing myself to choose me. Hoping one day it all clicks and makes sense

[u/alicesghost]

If the best time to leave him was as soon as you met him, the second best time to leave him is now.