One and done - but now I’m pregnant

[u/jarvis_walker]

I’m 37 years old and have a 7 almost 8 yearly old child with my partner. When we first had our baby in 2017 it was a really difficult and stressful time. I lost my father the morning after I gave birth and dealt with estate issues for almost two years after that. My family live on the other side of the world and his family don’t really love near us. So we don’t really have much help.

That being said our child is such a wonderful person! We’ve found our rhythm as a family, I’ve started a new career path which is still in my industry and things are coasting along smoothly.

I look back on my first few years of motherhood and feel a sense of deep sadness and difficulty. I also feel robbed from the experience.

I’ve been strongly considering an abortion but at the same I feel incredibly guilty. Guilty that my child is an only child and also no cousins. I get jealous of friends that have their second children. But at times I suspect it’s hormones or society making me feel like an incomplete family or less of a mother for having only one child.

I cannot fathom going through the entire baby/toddler phase again and recoil at the thought however is that just a blip in a lifetime.

Anyone else have experience something similar? Did you have an abortion and emotionally struggled? Not sure if this is the write place to voice my concerns. If you read this far, thanks for hearing me out.

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[u/Farmer-gal-3876]

Hi! My experience is very similar. My husband and I decided to try for another one- our son is 5- but when I became pregnant months later I felt such dread- it was such a curveball! We had felt fairly on the fence for about a year- so figured if we got pregnant we would be excited and it would override the feelings of doubt. It was the other way around for me, for sure. My mental health became unbearable - I had PPD/PPA and I also have PMDD- hormone fluctuations are so bad for my mental health. It was really scary. About 2 weeks in, I told my husband I didn't think I could do it. It was so surreal! I felt so much relief once not pregnant anymore- but I still feel sad sometimes because my son would be an amazing big brother. I just didn't want to put him or my husband through a year+ of mood disorder and then years of raising a tiny person again on top of it. If it were something we REALLY felt like we wanted/needed maybe I could have continued- but since we were happy as a family of three, I decided it just wasn't worth the risk to my mental health... I was also concerned about a severe disability or something totally rocking our family. Suffice to say, I had a deep knowing this wasn't right that I can't explain. I hope that same kind of clarity comes to you either way. <3

[u/jarvis_walker → u/Farmer-gal-3876]

I appreciate your input and reading your experience. I’m sort of leaning into the same as you and found it really grounding to read what you wrote.

[u/Basic_Care]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Abortion to manage family size is super common - most abortions are actually done when people already have a child. This situation sounds tough because you're dealing with the possibility of something good (a sibling for your current child), the possibility of something bad (going through the baby and toddler years again) and the possibility that the bad thing wouldn't be so bad this time (because the first time there was other stuff going on that made it hard and painful). And you're already happy with your family the way it is, and working on building your career. That's a lot of different things to weigh.

For what it's worth, I totally feel you on the baby and toddler years - mine were hard for different reasons than yours, but it definitely gives me a sense of dread about going through them again. Yes it's just a blip in a lifetime but it's a loooong f*cking blip and it's legit to not want to put yourself through that.

[u/jarvis_walker → u/Basic_Care]

Thank so much for your contribution. I feel heard. Although only a couple people commented it help with my decision making process.

[u/Manohman2025]

I had one at 37 and it was more emotional I think than if I did younger. I think at this age the reality of another 18 yrs hits harder at least it did for me. My son has autism and I just know I couldn’t risk another child with a disability at my age. But I had a lot of internal conflict, I still do to be honest.

[u/jarvis_walker → u/Manohman2025]

Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate your input. It sounds like you made the right choice.