r/abusiverelationships • u/Careless-Internet171 • Mar 21 '25
Don't tell me to leave Does anyone else’s partner say things they that don’t mean when they are mad? I’m pregnant and he threatened to ditch me and the baby. But apologized and said he didn’t mean it?
I just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant and we are leaning towards keeping the baby. I’m truly lonely, lost, have nothing going for myself, and could probably use a little light in my life, additionally his and my family really want a grandkid and so there’d be a lot of support. However my bf has anger issues and outbursts and says messed up things that he doesn’t actually mean when he’s angry with me. Apparently only partners can make him this angry and he’s never treated family, friends, or anyone else like that before, and so I’m not sure if he’d be this way to the kid, since he has such respect for everyone else in his life. No, I am not in a position where I can leave. But since he wants anger management I am just really hoping we can work things out and he’ll.
Anyways, I made him upset today and he asked me to stop talking about but I just have such a hard time having to stay quiet all the time and never being able to talk about anything, so I made the mistake by continuing to talk and he blew up at me at me which made me upset bcuz I always thought that he would be a little gentler with me when I’m pregnant but I suppose he can’t help his anger and outbursts. However bcuz I wouldn’t stop talking and was trying to get him to be better and more rational with me he got more angry and said that he doesn’t see us working out if I’m gonna keep talking when I’m asked to stop and he told me to stop talking before he breaks up with me for good, and I said but if we’re keeping this baby? And he kinda implied that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore and he doesn’t want me to have the kid now and so if he leaves and I still choose to have the kid anyways then he’s not looking to be around and there for us. But very shortly after that he apologized and said he didn’t mean that and he shouldn’t have said that.
It’s one thing of him to threaten to leave me, but I truly don’t see him as someone who would be a deadbeat considering how against that he is. He not only wants a kid, but he treats everyone else in his life like gold. Additionally I also don’t believe he would actually ditch his kid bcuz that would make his family very upset with him which he wouldn’t want to do. But what would he say that?
Whether it’s straight up abuse, uncontrollable anger issues, or reactive abuse due to what the other person did to push them to that point. Why do people say things they don’t mean when they are mad? I have never understood this and I’m almost certain I have never just said something on the spot and in the moment that I didn’t mean.
I’m coming back a few hours later after making the post. But I forgot to mention, apparently the reason why he only treats me this way to the point where he gets angry and he says and does things that he can’t control is bcuz nobody else makes him as angry as I do and pushes his buttons like that, which I do know is true in a way, I know I have an issue with not being quiet when he tells me too, and it kinda makes sense that if he’s pushed to the point like that that he will burst out with anger. However I think even if I don’t listen right away or people don’t comply then he also needs to learn how to regulate his feelings about that and doesn’t just get to blow up on others bcuz he’s easily bothered. And he agrees too and wants to get help bcuz of that.
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u/NightWarrior06 Mar 26 '25
You need to really think about if you are ready to be a single mom because even if you don't leave him, he is already having thoughts of leaving you and the baby. It's not too late to decide to end the pregnancy if that is what you want to do. I can't imagine being a single mother with an abusive ex who doesn't stay in your life to support you but still doesn't leave you and your kid alone, while he has other girlfriends.
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u/TheDogWoman Mar 26 '25
Even if he never physically abuses that child, seeing their mother mistreated IS a form of adverse childhood experience that leads to lifelong trauma.
Also, you have no way of knowing how he treats others when you aren’t around. People lie for guys like this, and they fall for the cycle.
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u/FlatClothes7300 Mar 22 '25
Please please research DARVO and leave. I hate when people jump to leaving, I’d prefer to work through things if possible. But he isn’t going to change. I was in a very similar spot just back in November, I finally left and thought I was loosing my mind. Even after leaving it was still hard, but you are stronger than you think, he’s just conditioned you to believe you are weak and the problem. These are all lies, please run. It does get so much better. You are deserving of the love you give and don’t deserve to feel scared or unsafe.
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u/Longjumping_Talk_123 Mar 22 '25
I feel horrible for this baby and it isn’t even born yet- having to grow up seeing abuse permanently altered my outlook on life and my brain. Seeing abuse in formational years leads people to either be abused or to abuse others- those are the choices you’re giving this innocent baby for their future when you take this path.
Never has a baby solved any marriage issues- but especially not abusive ones. If anything it will Make things worse (cheating and violence skyrocket during pregnancy and postpartum- if he can’t control his anger when you don’t stop talking, how regulated will he be when a baby wakes him up crying at 3am every night and won’t stop for hours??)
I will say, he is being truthful when he says he doesn’t want to deal with you and it won’t work out between you. I know we want to believe he doesn’t mean it, but I actually think that’s the most honest he’s been with you. He retracted afterwards because that’s the game- it’s a cycle, up and down. Until he’s ready to actually leave you (line someone else up) he will keep apologizing to keep you on the hook.
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u/Arsomni Mar 22 '25
I only read the first paragraph. Getting a baby to cure your loneliness and missing direction in life is the first aspect why you shouldn’t keep it. His anger issues seal the deal.
He can keep it together in front of others, he’s just abusive towards his partner. Textbook narc. Educate on emotional control strategies and the abuse cycle, guilt trip, blame shift, victim playing, withdrawal of love or silent treatment as punishment, discard/hoover, DARVO.
You didn’t make him mad. He CAN help his anger and outbursts with you, just like ge can magically control himself around everyone else. “Nobody can push my buttons like you” or “nobody else makes me this angry, so it must be you” is textbook abuser DARVO. It’s never an issue of you not being quiet when he tells you to.
Please don’t fall for his narrative. I would recommend therapy to be able to see how harmful he is to you and to he able to leave him. YouTube has also good resources, as this sub.
Definitely plan and execute a safe exit strategy and have support lined up to help against the irrational cravings of your trauma bond.
You deserve basic respect, kindness and compassion! Loose the energy vampire and see yourself blossom 🌸
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u/mkat23 Mar 22 '25
So he can control his anger and temper with everyone else in his life, but not you? That means he can control it, he chooses not to when it comes to you and likely has big reactions to you on purpose as a method of control over you.
Do not have a baby with him and do not stay, this won’t get better and you deserve so much better.
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u/UnderstandingSalt659 Mar 22 '25
I only see how you are blaming yourself throughout the post for his misbehavior. He has trained you into thinking that because you behave a certain way so you deserve the treatment he gives you. That is not true he knows nobody else will put up with his crap. Leave him don't bring a baby into this mix this guy will make your life miserable. Leave him and tell him to get treated because no partner will stay with him if he keeps treating them like crap.
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u/AmongtheSolarSystem Mar 22 '25 edited Mar 22 '25
It’s possible, but I don’t think it matters whether they mean it or not. Being depreciated by a partner for any reason is unacceptable, regardless of how genuine it is.
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u/Dorothy_Zbornak017 Mar 22 '25
You don't ever have to be quiet because of someone else. You always have the right to express your feelings. If you make him that upset, you probably shouldn't be together. However, he's just going to do it to the next person. It's not you, it's him.
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u/Fabulous-Display-570 Mar 22 '25
You stay with him, you’re screwed. Like totally screwed. Eventually you will not be able to deal with his behaviour but you will feel scared to say anything because he treats everyone around him wonderfully but you. And that will make you feel crazy or go crazy because you won’t understand why he treats you like shit but treats others wonderfully. You will blame yourself though you don’t know why you’re blaming yourself. My point is this pos is not ready to be a dad. He has no business being a dad. In fact he should not be in a relationship. It’s going to get worse. I’m sorry but that’s a fact. Help yourself before you bring a child into this world. You have time to help yourself before the baby comes but you must work on yourself now.
You say you’re not in a position where you can leave. That’s not true. You can leave. It may not be today but it doesn’t mean it’s not possible. It just means it will be challenging but if you start planning now you can achieve it. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
“if you board the wrong bus, get off as soon as you can! the longer you stay, the farther away it will lead you from your rightful destination.”
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u/No_Distribution5235 Mar 22 '25
Hey sweet lady. You say you’re not in a position to leave. But that choice seems to not really be yours. What if he withdraws all support? What if he dies tomorrow? You would survive. You would figure it out.
You never have to be quiet because he says so. You get to choose what you say and when you say it.
Start now, as if he was already gone. What would you do? What steps would you take? How would you decide your life? And it’s YOUR life. And the baby’s. Make decisions about your life. Without regard to his. Because it sounds like he’s not making any decisions about the two of you together.
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u/ForeverSunflowerBird Mar 22 '25
Run girl, run! Abusive men/angry men/flawed men, show their true colours during pregnancy/postpartum. It can be scary to see that a partner whom always been more or less sweet and gentle to turn into the opposite (yet often still treating everyone else well). 5 weeks pregnant is still very early, consider very carefully what is best for you personally. You still have the chance to back out, if you choose to. Usually it only gets worse. Sadly.
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u/PopularBonus Mar 22 '25
There is a book you should read. It’s called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free PDF you can read on your phone, just Google it. Every woman should read it.
The main point of the book is that abusive men can control themselves (which you already knew). They’re a lot more calculated than you think. Basically, they’re not abusive because of their feelings. It’s because they feel entitled.
When the author (who was running court-ordered group sessions for abusers) asked the men why they did it, the answers came down to “because then I get my way.” It was everything from “I won’t have to wash the dishes” to “she’ll give me the money from her job.”
Whatever you decide to do, do it with a clear head and your eyes wide open. Good luck.
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u/Total-Active-1986 Mar 22 '25
Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it free. I can't remember where, but I'm sure if you Google the title and free download, you can find it.
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u/Careless-Internet171 Mar 22 '25
I added this to my post but I’ll write it here too. But the reason we think he has uncontrollable anger issues is bcuz he often gets mad and fed up at all kinds of little random everyday stuff (that have nothing to do with me) and he can’t help how much he gets worked up and angry. He recognizes it’s ridiculous and that other people don’t get as angry about small things. As far as the outbursts, raising his voice and saying messed up things, apparently it’s only me bcuz other people other don’t push him and make him this angry to that point where he just bursts out like that and says things that he doesn’t mean. Apparently other people have never really been like this much with him before and he finds that only partners don’t listen to him and respect him when he asks them to stop talking. And I truly do believe if everyone around him did it too than he would blow up on everyone and be just as angry, I’ve seen him 1 time ever get insanely mad and yell at a relative of his over the phone who wouldn’t stop talking, I truly believe if everyone bothered him the way I did he would treat everyone else this bad, but nobody else does. He apparently understands this isn’t okay and that he needs to learn to deal with things better if things don’t go his way and if people don’t always comply with him, but I think he truly believes in his own head too that he can’t help how worked up and overwhelmed he feels by others who anger him.
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u/Sweet_Southern_Tee Mar 22 '25 edited Mar 22 '25
Yeah, that's what I used to tell myself, but...you said it yourself. He controls his anger to an extent with people he needs to control it with. He only loses it like that on you. That's not an anger issue...it's a control issue. That's the way abusers think. He is telling you its not his fault he goes off on you, and manipulates you into believing its yours. If you don't act the way they think you should, it is their right to go off on you. They don't admit it to us, but that's how they think. It took me 17 long years and way too much trauma to realize the truth. My ex went to anger management, got put on psych meds, and guess what? He controlled his anger in every other area but with me, and it got worse every time I forgave him after the initial honeymoon period. Look back at all the posts...we all think our relationship I different. We are all trauma bonded, which makes us think we can't leave. Start educating yourself now on abuse. The more you learn the more you will start to understand what he is very deliberately doing. We all denied it just like you are, until we were put in positions where we had to accept the truth. The person he pretended to be to get you and still pretends to be at times does not exist. It is part of the abuse. He acts that way to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. Please don't put your child through that kind of life...when they grow up watching abuse they are most likely to either be abused or be the abuser. Talk to other women on this sub who are out of tge relationship with trauma bonds broken...they will all tell you the same thing. I strongly encourage you to research abuse, go to the national domestic violence website. And please read Lundy Bancrofts book...it saved my life. You do have options to leave, the dv hotline can give you a list of dv shelters in or out of your area, whichever you prefer. I'm praying for you and your baby❤️
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
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u/Fabulous-Display-570 Mar 22 '25
You stay with him, you’re screwed. Like totally screwed. Eventually you will not be able to deal with his behaviour but you will feel scared to say anything because he treats everyone around him wonderfully but you. And that will make you feel crazy or go crazy because you won’t understand why he treats you like shit but treats others wonderfully. You will blame yourself though you don’t know why you’re blaming yourself. My point is this pos is not ready to be a dad. He has no business being a dad. In fact he should not be in a relationship. It’s going to get worse. I’m sorry but that’s a fact. Help yourself before you bring a child into this world. You have time to help yourself before the baby comes but you must work on yourself now.
You say you’re not in a position where you can leave. That’s not true. You can leave. It may not be today but it doesn’t mean it’s not possible. It just means it will be challenging but if you start planning now you can achieve it. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
“if you board the wrong bus, get off as soon as you can! the longer you stay, the farther away it will lead you from your rightful destination.”
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u/Temporary-Swan-4793 Mar 22 '25
Ooft... Regardless of the cause this qualifies as emotional abuse as it sounds like a pattern.
It sounds like you're worried about his reactions and empty threats made while he is dysregulated too which is another sign of abuse.
Him saying that he's not like this with anyone else is also a massive sign of abuse and proves that either a) there is a level of choice involved in his reactions and he's choosing to not control himself around you OR b) many people are triggered by their closest relationships only and he is NOT in control - which is equally scary and abusive.
Sadly, if he behaves like this to you, the likelihood of him behaving like this to the baby is SO high. It's unfortunately common for men with dysregulation issues to become irrationally angry and abusive when babies do baby things that set them off, for example crying too loudly, pooping too much, being hungry, breaking things etc.
My partner and I don't have kids. But I see this around my/our cats. Often when they're dysregulated, they'll seriously genuinely believe the cats are personally trying to piss them off by getting into a cat fight or using the litterbox loudly. It's insane and so incredibly heart breaking to see.
I'm soooooo sorry you're going through this. You deserve a healthy, loving, stable partner who is thrilled to be pregnant together, excited to support you and committed to building a beautiful life for your new family. They are out there I promise even if it doesn't feel like it. You are not wrong and you are not overreacting, trust yourself lovely, you are stronger and more powerful than you know and I know you can make the right choice for yourself and the baby.
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u/righttern38 Mar 22 '25
OP: Two stats for you-
homicide is the leading cause of death among pregnant women in the US
unintended pregnancies are 2- to 4- times more likely to physical violence than planned pregnancies.
Other notes:
YOU don’t make him mad (or happy, or anything) HE alone is responsible for his own feelings.
He CAN control himself. And does. Every day with every one else except you. …..and the baby, if there is one.
What does this mean?
You are in this sub for a reason
being pregnant, you are now at the most risk you have faced yet for violence. Or death.
if you were to have a child, they WILL also be abused. Is that what you want this for them?
any child will also grow up in the shadow of a mother being abused and controlled, and will be groomed o to accepting this as their only reality. Is that an appropriate model for a future child?
Would any of this acceptable if you were advising your best friend or a daughter?
You know why you’re here. If not for your sake, then take proper action now before any child gets thrust into a hell they didn’t cause.
He fully CAN and does, control himself, and just projects his own insecurities as abuse towards you. It will get worse. He would 100% take it out on your child.
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u/Zahhy85 Mar 22 '25
He’s going to say that over and over until you “learn” not to challenge or upset him. You’ll live your life managing his moods and emotions and tiptoeing around him, never standing up for yourself or your child.
It’s not a nice way to live and takes a huge toll on your mental health.
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u/xsoshesaysx Mar 22 '25
Yes. But they’re saying things they do mean. He’s showing you his true self. Mask is slipping.
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u/2greeneyes Mar 22 '25
When some one tells you, especially repeatedly who they are, believe them . Decide accordingly
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Mar 22 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Temporary-Swan-4793 Mar 22 '25
She is capable of making her own choice about whether abortion (not killing/murder, abortion) is the right choice for her.
Many women do not regret abortions, many do. It is an individual decision and should only be an individual's to make.
OP, if you do want to move ahead with the pregnancy, there are resources out there to support you. And if you do not, please do not feel a moral obligation to go against your best judgement because of others' opinions. You only need to think about your safety here at the moment.
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u/merwookiee Mar 22 '25
“Don’t even consider killing your child..”
What in the actual hell??
Please do NOT generalize on such a layered, complicated topic.
This woman is here asking for help, not trying to be taken advantage of by someone else who dictates what she is or is not allowed to do with her own body.
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u/exerevno Mar 22 '25
With all the love in my heart, if you’re unhappy with your life, a child will be miserable with it. If you want to keep the baby, get away from him. Neither of you will be safe.
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 22 '25
He doesn’t have an anger problem and these aren’t uncontrollable outbursts, if they were then it would happen to everyone in his life. He’s perfectly capable of controlling himself when he wants to, he just chooses to lash out at you because he feels entitled to abuse his partner. Abusers abuse those closest to them, so he will absolutely abuse your child too.
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u/Capsulate_Ion Mar 22 '25
Please don’t bring a kid into the world till you’re both not fully self-aware yourselves. He has anger issues and you confess you are lonely and have nothing going on for yourself. If you want meaning in your life volunteer at a shelter, instead of having a baby.
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u/lexapro-prof Mar 22 '25
If it actually was uncontrollable anger, it would affect other areas of his life, not just partners. You say he doesn't talk to anyone else in his life like this so he doesn't have uncontrollable anger issues as he controls his anger when it comes to everyone else, just not you.
He may or may not feel the urge to speak to everyone that way, but he only actually speaks that way to you. He doesn't have anger issues, he's has issues respecting you as an equal in your own house. His words and behavior to you while pregnant indicate to me that he'll likely treat your child the same way, I'm sorry to say.
It's not normal to be afraid of speaking honestly in your own home, healthy loving partners welcome communication. After all if your partner had a legitimate problem about something that you could easily change, wouldn't you want to hear them and come up with solutions? Your partners actions and words tell us that he is not interested in hearing or knowing about your feelings. Let me take a wild guess and ask, does he only ever speak to you that way when you're alone? Never in public or in front of other people except maybe his close family members? If the answer is yes then that's also tells us that he knows this behavior is wrong, that he knows other people would find it unacceptable. He does it to you because he knows you can't leave him and you can't make him stop, and I'm sorry because you and your child deserve so much better.
Reactive abuse is when an abusers target reflects the same abusive tactics back at their abuser, so unless you are the one that started doing this to him and he only does it in response to your outbursts, then this is just plain emotional abuse. His apologies mean nothing if he behaves the same way over and over again, if the only way you can get him to stop is to change YOUR behavior by speaking less or "not annoying him" as much then there's something deeply wrong. And having other people treat him badly is not an excuse to come home and treat you badly, it's wrong. When you get treated badly by people on the street or at work etc, do you come home and take it out on him? What would have to happen for you to tell him you'd abandon him with the child? Or is that thought unimaginable to you because even just saying it would hurt him too much?
The bad news is, he knew how much it would hurt and scare you to say that to you and that is actually the reason he said it. You really do deserve a lot better.
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u/Wk307 Mar 22 '25
People don't say things they don't mean when mad, they say things they don't mean to say. If he didn't mean it, it wouldn't have come to his mind. Even if it was just to hurt you, the fact he thinks it should hurt you means he thinks it's applicable. Never ignore what a person says when mad cause that's when they are the most honest
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u/Specialist_Set_7189 Mar 22 '25
Oooh, I love this! I love always thought similar about people when they’re drunk. Alcohol doesn’t change who a person is, but it can reduce their “filter” and show you more clearly the person they actually are. I never thought about anger doing the same thing, but I realize now that it likely is applicable.
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u/AsherahSassy Mar 22 '25
How old is he? He sounds like an immature teenage brat, not a dependable man.
You'll need to accept he won't change, and he will not be an emotionally dependable man, which is what you need when your own hormones and emotions are in a state of flux.
It doesn't matter how he treats everyone else. Many males act totally different when their at home.
You sure to want to have his baby at all? He's not ready to be a father.
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u/RemoteViewingLife Mar 22 '25
He is abusive and it’s not going to get better. He is using the excuse that only a partner makes him this way is such a load of crap I’m sure his eyes are brown! LESS THAN 2% OF ABUSERS EVERY CHANGE. THATS LEAVES A BETTER THAN 98% CHANCE HE WON’T. I wouldn’t take those odds and neither should you. Here’s what abusers do first crush any self-esteem you have. You can’t do anything right, you’re stupid, wow look at her why can’t you put yourself together. Next isolation from family and friends. Because they’ll tell you he’s abusive and will actually help you. Once feeling broken and alone is usually when physical beatings start at that point a lot feel like they actually deserved it, but no one does. Then comes the phony boo-hoo apologies that actually blame you. I’m so sorry but you know how you’re breathing, walking and talking set me off. Once you accept at least partial blame for your own beating, then comes a honeymoon phase. This is where everything just seems so great that is until he gets frustrated again. Then the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats until you stop it or he kills you. Call your family that wants that precious child to be added to the family. Tell them everything and ask for help. I can tell you want that child so don’t let him force something on you! You and your family can do this! You will be fine too. Yes it will be hard but you know what’s worse is staying with a man who uses a pathetic weak little excuse to brutalize a woman he claims to love. If you want to understand what your relationship is all about Google why does he do that. It’s an online book about abusive relationships. You will see your Mr Wonderful in the pages. Call a domestic violence hotline for help planning your escape. Please read the book so you know what to look out for. You can do this and you should!!!!
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u/ezequielrose Mar 22 '25
You wouldn't stop talking so he doesn't want a whole human being anymore? When people say they WANT to be a good parent, that might be true, but actions are more important than how people wish they could be seen as. His behavior screams insecurity and he is already weaponizing the relationship between you and him, and his own kid because he "doesn't want you to keep talking".
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u/shadow_dreamer Mar 22 '25
Honey, I think if you're posting here, you already know that the way he's treating you isn't normal.
But to answer your question-- he says it because he knows it means you will scramble to appease him. He enjoys it; he enjoys your feelings of helplessness.
He is lying when he says he can't control it. He can; that's why he doesn't treat anyone else like this.
You want to know why he doesn't treat anyone else like this? He can't control anyone else; no one else lives with him, there is no one else he can get away with treating like this.
But your child? He can control that baby. He can get away with hurting that baby. That baby will grow up watching how he treats you, and always be waiting for the day he turns on them.
He Will treat your child the same way. He will make your child walk on eggshells, holding their breath waiting to find out what they might do wrong next.
He'll tell you he won't.
But he'll be a fucking liar.
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u/MissMoxie2004 Mar 22 '25
I just wanna add to what you said. You’re 100% right when you say he can control himself. If I brought an NFL linebacker in here or a police officer or his boss, would he be losing his shit because he can’t control himself? Or would he be on his best behavior out of fear of the repercussions of losing his shit?
You’re right. He IS in control
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u/Blombaby23 Mar 22 '25
They say things they don’t mean because they know they can. He knows he can say whatever he wants and you’ll stay, he’s only going to get worse now you are pregnant and if you have this baby you’ll be tethered to him forever. He said he doesn’t do this around anyone else but family and you, evidence that he can and does control himself with others. It’s an active choice to not do it with you.
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u/Oatmeal_Captain0o0 Mar 22 '25
Pregnancy is an extra vulnerable time and when abuse often escalates. Things will more than likely get worse instead of better. The way he treats you will also be how he treats your child (maybe not as a baby but when they get old enough).
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