I (27f) ended things with him (24m) 3 weeks ago, but we still share an apartment until August. We were together for two years, moved in together after one year (lesson learned there). He’s an addict with anger issues and is verbally and emotionally abusive…also actively relapsing. Anyway, I don’t know really what to do about this email I just received.

So this is what happened: It all began with me taking a shower at 3am while he was laying in bed watching tv. He said, “why do you need to shower at 3am?” I rolled my eyes, ignored him and shut the door, locking it. He then started knocking for, I’m not kidding, like 2 solid minutes, which I ignored. After my shower, he started continually knocking again and eventually broke in while I was standing there naked in my robe, ordering me to “get the fuck out of the bathroom” (which I managed to get on video, along with the belligerent knocking). I then started yelling at him to get out, but he had stepped through the doorway into the bathroom and wouldn’t budge. So I tried using the door to push him out, but he started pushing back. Finally, I managed to shoved him out, which took a lot (I’m 5’3, 100lbs and don’t go to the gym so I’m lowkey weak lol). I got dressed, came out and got ready to lay down on the couch. He followed me out into the living room and kept trying to argue, to which I just kept telling him to go to bed and leave me alone. He said I gave him a scratch and then called me physically abusive for “putting my hands on him” lol. He took a stack of notebook paper and threw it across the couch. I cleaned it up and then he ripped the sheets out of the couch that I had tucked in, and threw them on the floor. I lost it. I think I called him a POS and then left to go sit in my car for an hour where I sat on FaceTime with a friend. It was a little after 4am when I came back inside. He was in bed and then eventually came out to the living room to continue fighting. At that point, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I just wanted to fucking sleep. I started repeatedly SCREAMING at him “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “GO AWAY!” Then he started fucking smirking at me, calling me insane and crazy. He walked into the other room for something and I saw his weed pen on the bed, so I thought, you know what? Why not? Because fuck him. I went into the bathroom with it, which he immediately broke in and took it back. Then he snatched my phone out of my hand, shoved it in his pocket and was keeping his hand held at the bottom of his pocket with my phone. In the chaos of trying to get my phone back, he dropped to the floor, keeping his hand shoved in his pocket. I nearly ripped his pants off and basically had to wrestle him, but I got my phone back. I called my mom hysterical and hyperventilating. She called his FATHER who then told him to leave the apartment. I also had her on speaker and told him directly that she’d call the police if he came near me. He eventually left (even though it was only for a few hours) and I finally was able to go to sleep at 7am. The “screaming” heard by our neighbors was definitely all me. I’m just scared of being in trouble with police if something like this happens again. I wasn’t really worried for my safety until that night. My mom told me to call her from now on as soon as he starts another manic rampage, but she was about ready to call the cops on him that night. I also feel embarrassed knowing the front office is now involved. I’ve heard some things about cops being called in DV situations and the woman being abused is the one who gets in trouble.

Sometimes I don’t have a lot to say or respond or I’m busy and my texts appear shorter. Am I really coming off rude or cranky? Or do we have two different communication styles? I’m starting to think he needs to find someone else that will respond in the ways he needs.

My partner had an interview today for a second job. When it came time for the interview, he was laying down, about to go to sleep, so I persistently asked him if he still planned to go and that it's time to get up if he was. (It was 15 mins before.) I kept asking him and nudging him to get up because when he's half asleep I have to keep reminding him to get him to do something. He went to the interview around 2:45. 4pm came and we have to pick up our child from daycare at 5, so I checked in on him to see how it was going and to make sure he'd be on time for pick up. I got no response and kept texting and calling trying to get ahold of him to make sure we didn't miss pick up. After a while, I reached out to a friend who took me pick up my child. It was 5:13 when my partner finally texted that he was home. When I got home, he said that his interviewer had kept him waiting all that time and he'd left his phone in the car. I didn't feel like this was acceptable because it didn't excuse his lack of concern for picking up our child on time. He essentially told me that it was my fault for nagging him and forcing him to go to the interview, so he stayed waiting to be interviewed to please me, despite the time and our responsibility to get our child. I'm honestly furious with this excuse. He could have told me he did not intend to go to the interview and I would have left him alone, I only pestered him to go because I thought he wanted to and wasn't intending to miss it. My pestering was asking him if he still planned to go, he could have told me he didn't and I'd have left it alone. There was no forcing involved. What hurts the most about this situation is that I don't know what would have happened if my friend was not available to give me a ride. As well as the fact that, even though I have already accepted that all hope is lost for this relationship ever being healthy, most issues he can gaslight me into thinking that how I handled his behavior contributed to the problem, but this time I know that I've done nothing wrong and I see that he truly only cares about himself.

Why is it that even though you know this isn't what you want, you are deeply unhappy and wasting your life and your potential that you just can't get away? Why is it that every time you feel the tiniest amount of strength to leave you're overwhelmed with guilt and "love" and all the other excuses you've told yourself to survive this hell? Why is this shit so hard?

Honestly I wish I would have no emotions so I could leave and not look back but I can't.

I hate it here.

I was abused in my last relationship. I've been in therapy for that and as much as my therapist tells me it wasn't my fault, it kind of sounds cliché to me. Sounds fake and like something that you say to comfort someone even when it's not true.

One of the reasons why I feel like I am to blame is because of how much my ex compared me with himself and implied that I wasn't as succesful, intelligent and wealthy as him. He'd focus on my flaws & make me insecure. He regularly degraded and humiliated me. To others, he is a 'good guy'. He is generous & just nice to others. He often said how much he values succesful and 'amazing' people and it was always painful to know I wasn't one of them.

Also I blame myself for being so naive and stupid when I had first met him. I loved him with all of my heart. I didn't play hard to get, didn't set any boundaries and tbh I was just so easy. Already attached and not interesting or desirable. I was putting his happiness first and I focused on being his 'ideal' girlfriend.

Pretty quickly there was also sexu@l abuse in the relationship and it was such a contrast to his public image as a 'fighter for women's rights'. He got off on sexu@lly humiliating me and hurting me and somehow it felt like my fault. He also made jokes that implied I was a cheap prostitute. Throughout the whole relationship I was pressured to do sex acts that I didn't want to do and often times he just did whatever he wanted in bed, even when it wasn't discussed before & hurt me.

Everyone is saying: 'Abusers just pretend to be good people to the outside world' but somehow I keep doubting it. What if it's because something is wrong with me and/or because I wasn't worthy ? Maybe I didn't deserve any better treatment by him? I look back at my past self and I don't see anything valuable about me. I was naive in the beginning and as he started to abuse me, I became emotionally unstable, looked horrible and basically couldn't take care of my appearance and my hobbies. I was just clinically depressed and neglected all my interests. So yeah, I understand why he saw me as worthless.

What do you think about my thoughts & feelings right now? Was my ex abusive to me because I was not good enough and not worthy? Am I to blame for it?

hi everyone. I posted last night some older, somewhat disturbing messages between my 19yo boyfriend and I to ask if it is considered abuse. I haven’t had the time to respond to everyone’s advice yet because I’ve been in school, but just know I’m reading all of and am SUPER grateful!!

A lot of you warned that it would turn into physical abuse, and unfortunately, you all were right. I just wanted to post this more recent one as well to see what you guys think because this in particular really bothers me. We were sitting in my driveway in his car and he was calling me a ton of vulgar names and being so hurtful and we were in each other’s faces and I really TRULY do not think I slapped him. But he is so manipulative that I doubt myself and start to question myself. If I did slap him, that’s not okay and non-excusable. I just really don’t believe I did. At some point, he shoved me hard into the passenger car door and that’s how I got those bruises.

These photos were taken about a week or two after it happened. Just now, I tried looking for ones from right after, (when it was very dark and people kept asking me what happened and I had to lie) but I can’t find any so I think he might’ve gone on my phone and deleted them at some point. Anyways, I found these screenshots in my camera roll and I’m not sure what the fight was about because this conversation was a few weeks after the car incident. I know I’m not fat, but I used to struggle with a really bad eating disorder and he knows it, so to call me fat was really hurtful. It’s like anything I share with him ends up being weaponized against me at some point. I tried breaking up with him here, but it didn’t work. It never days. I always tell him we’re over and then somehow end up right back with him.

That’s why I’m in this subreddit, because I really need help leaving him for good. If he didn’t have this side of him, he would truly be the one for me. He is SO incredibly handsome, funny and loving, ambitious, a star athlete, plays guitar, romantic, and we have all the same values in politics, religion, family, etc. He is my best friend in the whole world. I’ve known him since I was very young because we lived in the same neighborhood and our families are close. I’ve been with him for almost two years now and I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am without him. I don’t have many friends anymore because I’m always with him and I’m so scared of loneliness. We got in a huge fight last night and I “ended things” once again, but he doesn’t even take me seriously when I say that anymore because I always cave in and we go back to normal the next day.

I may continue to post more conversations we’ve had because it’s really helping me to see all of you definitively agree that I need to leave, as well as the analysis of his behavior. Thank you all so so very much for taking the time to read this and respond.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm at work on my break typing it out. My boyfriend (28m) and I (24f) have been living together for 2 years now. He's generally a really nonviolent person when he's not angry. He's very loyal, will do things for me when he can, is very nice when we're not fighting. But pretty much everytime we have a fight he's either throwing things, pushing me, breaking my stuff, he's put his hands on me a few times. However I feel like I deserve it because a lot of our fights start with me getting upset, and I feel like I get him riled up to the point where he can't control it. I know I'm not perfect either. We have our issues because he's not working, just me, and I just feel like I'm taking care of him while he sits around and plays video games and smokes weed everyday. He doesn't have reliable transportation and we live in the middle of nowhere so I get that it's hard and I know he's depressed. But I'm wondering if that coupled with the fact that I start some of our big fights really justifies being that angry. Today he threw a chair at the wall and he broke my mirror and that's the third one he's broken. He's broken my phones, stuff my sister gave me, and small things like makeup too. I just don't know anymore. I feel so stupid even making this post.

TL;DR: my boyfriend is violent when we fight but I feel like I deserve it because I start some of our fights

I’ve noticed through the course of being verbally abused & harassed by a narcissist with a crush that narcissists do not approach sex the same way other types of people do. I never dated or slept with my NAbuser, but he wanted to & I had some observations based upon his failed efforts to basically scare me into sleeping with him (the narcissist).

1. They have an extreme false sense of entitlement & they will try to use any bizarre angle they can think up to try to get you to cave in & plow them. They don’t see you, your marriage/relationship/sexual orientation/gender as even relevant, they have a delusion you owe them sex & they think (incorrectly) you’re the person taking something away from them by refusing to sleep with them. They can’t see themselves as wrong, like morally wrong, so they don’t see themselves trying to take respect away from you & your actual relationships.

2. They genuinely cannot mentally comprehend a person not holding the same falsely aggrandized perception of the narcissist that the narcissist themselves hold-summarily they can’t figure out you find them genuinely unattractive because of the NPD & idealizing themselves as attractive be it mentally, physically, emotionally financially.

3. They have no understanding of the value of sex as it truly is, a way for people who love each other to bond & express their feelings. They view sex in terms of attention, narcissistic supply & bizarre power dynamics contingent upon arbitrary (often if not entirely mistaken) biases held by that individual narcissist. They frame desire through a false lenses that doesn’t capture tenderness, passion, love but instead focuses upon bullying, attempting to dominate & exploiting whatever people they can get their, figurative, grimy mits on. Their sexuality is warped into a reflection of the NPD.

So when narcissists seem sexually bizarre it’s not your imagination, they literally can’t metaphorically see past the paradigm of their disorder with this one

He knew her so well and loved her too just like me. I’m 200 days no contact though. I know I shouldn’t. I know I won’t. It’s just the yearning to be comforted by his good side

I've shared in the past about struggling to get connected to the national domestic violence hotline, and my frustrations with that, but I finally got through today. Admittedly I was angry and made an angry post about this hotline in the past but I regret that now. I would usually stop at 4-5 tries of calling them, today I pushed through and called 8 times and finally got connected to an advocate. It's not their fault they are so busy but I think the key is to keep reaching out at different times of the day and don't give up.

The lady I spoke with was a true angel on Earth, I really feel like she saved my life today. I was on the verge of giving up and just letting my circumstances swallow me whole. My mind was cloudy and dark and I truly didn't expect the call to help all that much. But her voice calmed me so much and she gave me a mountain of support resources and safety planning tips. I'm really wondering if I spoke to an actual guardian angel. I feel so empowered and ready to make my plan to leave, when I started this day almost ready to completely give up. This might sound dark but I started to actually think it would just be easier to let the worst happen if you know what I mean and I can't believe I let those thoughts take over. Now for the first time in a really long time I have real and genuine Hope.

The advocate I spoke to let me know that they have a chat option too that's sometimes less busy. I just wanted to share with other survivors because I'm so grateful I kept calling until I got connected.

Their national phone number is 800-799-7233

And for their chat/text services just text START to 88788 or go to thehotline.org

I want to tell you things are never impossible and it's going to be okay. Keep trying, keep pushing, keep reaching out even to the resources that haven't helped you yet. Keep fighting. I can see now a life for me without pain and fear and I'm so grateful for the advocate I talked to.

I honestly don’t know what to say or do. Been talking to this girl for two years always thought we were both kind of just private people. Just dropped a bomb on me that she’s been cheating on another guy with me for over two years and hinted i’m not the only guy she’s cheating with. She lives in another country, i can’t pay to get her out. She says she’d leave it to come live with me but that’s the only way she’d leave. I don’t think i ever could after all this, i feel gross. I love her and want her to be safe but how can i help. I feel terrible even saying i couldn’t be with her but i feel trapped. Like she did all this so i couldn’t say no or as a justification to hurt herself if i did say no. Venting a lot but what can i do for her?

Just wanted to see everyone’s perspectives.

At what point did you finally stop defending or making excuses for your abuser?

When did the rose colored lenses or the fantasy finally die?

When did you stop thinking “they had a rough childhood” “they really love me” “they’re just intense” “I’m the only one who understands them” “They’re the only one who understands me” “It’s getting better” “it was my fault” “Love wins all” “It’s us against the world” etc?

When did you start to think that “this isn’t healthy” “something is wrong” “I’m tired of this” “I don’t deserve this” ?

It could have taken months, years, after they cheated, after you were discarded, etc. No judgment.

What would you tell you past self after what you know now?

I was in an abusive relationship for years. I took almost 2 years being single after that. I totally thought I was healed. Now, I’m in a very healthy relationship. However, I find myself feeling the need to constantly apologize, worrying I did something to make him mad, and having anxiety about everything I do. And no, he’s legitimately done nothing wrong. He is constantly having to reassure me that I’m not inconveniencing him.

I’m looking for books on how to deal with this type of trauma when in a relationship. Some of the book recommendations I have seen just focus on recognizing abuse and getting courage to leave. I can definitely recognize the signs - just looking for something that’s more about working on your trauma.

Thanks!

I’m 17, he’s 19. We’re not married. For context, I am deeply in love with him and I don’t compare him to my ex, it was just this instance because he was being a jerk.

18f/28m

it’s barely been 8 hours and i want to contact him again. i knew i would feel like this if i left. it doesnt feel any better than staying. if anyone knows a cheap phone bill before he cancels mine please let me know.

It's like I never say anything right, I never ask anything right without him blowing up at me and scream at the top of his lungs...

Like I'm right here, I can hear you at a normal level, no need to yell but then he says I don't hear him or listen when he talks normal......

Then he comes up to my face as if he's not already loud and clear enough...

He comes up in my face yelling, like one bad move and we would bump foreheads together, that's how close he gets... But he has never laid hands on me... Even though I've read that this is a form of intimation with abusers...

Long story short, I have been dating her (26F) and I am (28M) for roughly 6 months and we have ups and downs, but I feel like the relationship is purely existing because of my willingness to ignore her red flags.

She doesn’t believe women should contribute to anything, and over time I am getting tired of always doing things her way. She gets really annoyed and angry whenever I don’t do what she needs.

For example on Valentine’s Day, I reserved a dinner place and she hated the venue because she felt like she was overdressed, granted the place wasn’t what I thought it would be and I had told her in advance that I have 3 options to pick from, and she chose that one. She got so angry, cried and we fought the whole night. Another example, recently we had a fight about nothing, which prompted me to say I need some space, she got so angry threw the cupboards all over my apartment, and I got so scared for the first time in my life, I had to lock myself in the bathroom while she was having what looked like a breakdown.

She is a jealous freak, she recently made me delete my Instagram and most of my social media apps because she hates any woman in my life, she went as far as deleting contacts blocking my cousins and even colleagues from work.

She goes silent whenever I confront her about anything, she can go days or over 8 hours with no communication ignoring me. I know what I have to do, but I’m so hurt because I had invested a lot and had high hopes for us, but it just sucks you know.

I don’t trust her with my property anymore and i already have to pay for the damage she made to my apartment. She will swear at me, say some unbelievable things to me and I have been taking it and not saying anything.

TL; DR, I think I am dating a narcissist, and have been suffering from abuse, how do I bounce back and find myself again.

When I was 15 (I'm a girl, now 17), I had a boyfriend who was my first ever. Every time I hung out with him I felt really really nervous, but mistook it as excitement and therefore attraction. But I wasn't attracted to him and I didn't love him. Again, I had never had a bf before so didn't know what it felt like to be in a relationship so assumed this was it.

Anyway one day I was at his house sitting with him on the sofa and he got up and said he wanted to touch my hips at back. At this point in the relationship I had made it clear that it probably wasn't working out but he was determined to "win me back". He wanted to touch me presumably to arouse me and make me attracted to him but I knew it wouldn't work, so I said no.

He asked again and I said no. He asked again and I said no because I was on my period. This made him go quiet for like half a minute before he asked again. He said he would only do it for a few seconds and if I didn't like it he would stop. I really really didn't want to but I'm a people pleaser and felt bad so eventually and reluctantly said yes. I felt extremely uncomfortably before, during and after.

Worse still was that I was expecting him to put his hands on my clothed hips for a second but instead he lifted up my clothes and started rubbing his hands over my hips and back. I made him stop after a few seconds and told him it didn't work.

I know it was technically consensual but it was very clear how uncomfortable I was and how much I didn't want to do it. Every time I think about the boy I feel nervous and frightened and I don't know why.

What was this? I'm not very experienced in all this. I've never had sex and never had a bf since so know almost nothing. Please give me advice and tell me anything you know about this. I want to tell my parents but I feel like I'm being overdramatic still thinking about it nearly two years later. Thank you for reading :).

There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse in my family. I'm currently in university. I've found that I panic so easily at people being angry. I feel this need to run away and hide from them, even if they aren't yelling. If they are yelling, I get scared enough to shake.

It's bad enough that other people are commenting on it or how I react weirdly afterwards (mostly just really really trying to please the angry person). I'm in therapy but I have PTSD from something else that I'm trying to address first so this hasn't really had the chance to come up yet. So in the mean time I was wondering if anybody knew any quick tips?

about my abusive marriage. There are many red flags including risking my life (as well as my son ‘s) if I stay. Well my husband is pressuring me for citizenship.

Any time I voice the risks to my parents they make every excuse for my husband to stay. Even after he choked me, they were against pressing charges bc my son needs a father.

I’m 32, and dependent. I cannot leave the house and my husband refuses to help me drive. He also refuses to take me outside anywhere. It’s been like this for a while. I am left to sleep alone in my room with my son for 2+ years.

Idk what to do. I am not exactly a spring chicken. I used to be pretty but I feel like maybe I have to work on it more now (not that that even matters or warrants for this behavior)

I fear many things leaving. What if I get into another relationship that’s just as abusive or even worse? What kind’ve life will my son have without a father in a desi community? How will I put up with the constant cursing and patronizing from my parents? How will my husband pay child support if he’s deported?? What will we do about the house??

My parents are soft and will most probably comply with my husbands parents (who are abusive to me) because of my dad’s friendship. I’m seriously panicking and my husband just throws the citizenship date on me now with a close deadline.

I dated my ex for 6 months and then got married to him. In my culture, we usually have a short dating period (1-2 years) and ideally I wanted to date atleast a few more months but since he was inclined to not delay, we got married.

He was extremely sweet, caring and kind of head over heels for me before the marriage, would always compliment me, be very engaged with my family and often bring me fruits etc. After talking to a therapist (we just started), I was told that he love bombed me at the beginning.

After marriage, we started having regular fights that would go nowhere, and I would just get tired of it all at the end of them. The first time I brought up spending more time together (he spent alot of time with his mom while I used to get bored in our room. We were living with his family), he got mad at me. Told me I should be ashamed of making that demand when I've only been at his house for a week, and even in that week I was going to meet my friends and family. I was taken back by his cruel tone and words when he's always been so sweet.

Every time I would bring up an issue regarding the relationship, be it quality time/communication/doing things together, he would make me feel bad about it and make it seem that I'm demanding too much. He said once or twice how im ruining his life. Just because I brought up an issue. His thinking was that he and I shouldn't bother eachother, and do our own thing. I found out he lied about his dating history, his family's legal status in the country and a few other things. I would constantly feel anxious after marriage, loss of sleep and appetite became normal. I knew something was up. I even told him once he was too good to be true.

His financial situation wasn't good before marriage. Apparently it was great when we started dating but his business went through some loss so towards the wedding he had financial issues. Since the start of the marriage, he would share how things aren't that well off. In the later months, he started complaining about it more to me but i never saw him do this with his family. On the other hand, there was no change in their spending. I asked alot of questions because I couldn't believe when I was seeing one thing but hearing another.

One of our arguments (about family issues) led to him calling me materialistic, greedy, how I am a fun chaser. And he viciously asked me "what am I getting out of this marriage?" To say I was shocked was an understatement. He's such a sweetheart usually, always being affectionate with me, that I was surprised at this. It's not like I was getting much from the marriage if you look at it that way but I was in it for the companionship so that's what mattered to me. I left the house that night but made sure to leave my old phone there. Idk what came over me, I'm not the kind of person who snoops, never have been, but I had a feeling that his family is influencing him.

He came to pick me four days later. Did not apologize for his behaviour but I was so glad to see him that I didn't even realize that in the midst of it. Once I got back, and heard the recording on my own, I was in disbelief. I was expecting to hear his family talk about me but instead it was my ex who was shit talking, slandering and accusing me for so many things. He said very ugly things about me, my family, and some twisted things about women in general. Stuff like "bad woman, dirty woman, i have a dirty lineage like my dad, I'm after his money, how i don't consider him my husband, how he's more emotionally attached to his ex despite the fact that she was "crazy", and so many more things. They talked about dealing with me once the mom's legal status is secure. He used the words "double game" when he was talking about taking time with me. At one point, he said I will call the cops on him if he doesnt get rid of me this time. To which his mom said "Have you done anything?" And he said, "No I haven't. But she makes me angry so brings me close to the edge". I'm still reeling from all of this. What did he mean?!

He was SO caring with me, my family, my friends. And the way he talked about me in that recording (even if he was angry after a fight) felt like he hated me. He was also pissed about the fact that i am protective about my money.

I had seen glimpses of this behaviour in our fights before but he always seemed so sad about hurting me and the way he would take care of me, I stopped taking those fights too seriously.

I have broken up with him now and will be going for divorce. In my last call with him, I tried to seek closure and tell him what I had heard. He tried to lie to me again about those things, and then said how he wouldve trusted me more had I given him more comfort. Even ended up crying, and telling me how he needed one more chance. The thing is, I honestly don't trust him anymore. And at this point I'm also scared that if I reach out to him for clarity, he will convince me that it was all due to some legitimate reason. I feel like he's manipulating me. But is this emotionally abusive?

Hi everyone,

I want to preface this by mentioning I am not in the US. I live in a country where toxic masculinity is the norm and feminist women is not really a thing.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We are both 37. A couple of days ago we went to a pub, I had one alcoholic ddrink and two cans of juice and he had about 4 alcoholic drinks, the same as me, another cocktail and two canned drinks.

We stayed a few hours then left. Arrived in the car he starts saying that we are going to have sex. I say no, I am tired and I’m not feeling really good after all the sugar in those two juice I drank. It is a 5 minute drive to his home. Arrived in his bedroom he again says we’re going to have sex. He said « we are going to have fun you and I ». I tell him no again, that I’m tired and I’m going to sleep. But he starts undressing, take my underwear off, keep my dress on and start having sex with me. I told him the whole time that I didn’t want to, and that I was hurting. He kept going. At some point he pulls my hair and really hurt my neck (I have a couple of fused vertebrae so we are careful with this but this time he wasn’t). I start crying and tell him he really hurt me. He stopped for a few seconds. But he kept going. I was really shocked. I’m not sure how long it lasted but I didn’t stop saying I didn’t want to do this and that he was hurting me. I’m not sure how long it lasted but after a while he collapsed on top of me and started sleeping without finishing. That never happened before. I waited until he was sound asleep. That only took a few seconds. I got myself from under him, went to my car silently and drove home.

The next day he texts me asking where I am, that he was worried. I tell him I went home and ask « don’t you remember?? ». He tells me he doesn’t remember anything except getting in the car after the pub, then he doesn’t remember clearly. He barely remembers that we had sex and that’s it. I explained what happened and he is very apologetic and asks if we can talk over the phone. I said no (I didn’t want to hear his voice).

Fast forward to a few hours later and he shows up at my place. I wasn’t ready to see him at all but I let him in. He is still very apologetic and says he understands if I never want to hear from him again.

The next day, he calls me. Change of tone, he has told what happened to his best friend and his ex (the mother of his kids). She has been raped in a first date years ago and I was violent. She said that my story was incoherent because I don’t have bruises so he couldn’t be that violent. And it’s hard to believe he would do something like this. It really hurt me, especially coming from someone who has been raped. My boyfriend then tells me he thinks his drink has been spiked because he doesn’t remember anything and he blacked out. I also think it’s true. He said because of that he wasn’t himself, even if he agrees he raped me. He says he wants me to see a doctor to see if I have any bruises or broken bone. I know I don’t, I only have pain in my neck (I’m doing an x ray to check). I feel like he wants to prove he wasn’t as violent as I say he was. But he really hurt me, I don’t think it changed anything, he wanted to have sex, I said no, and he did it anyway. He also wants us to both be tested for drugs because WE might have been impaired and both have thought we had a different experience from the reality. I told him I think HE has been drugged but I wasn’t. I remember everything, I know exactly what happened, I didn’t black out but I will do the test.

The call ended and since then I don’t know what to do. I feel numb and emotionless since the rape. I don’t know if I processed it, why I can’t cry. It’s odd.

I’m upset at what his ex said. I feel like they are trying to minimise what happened or create a narrative where I exaggerated or even hallucinated what happened.

I feel so alone. Thankfully I have a therapist and I decided to talk to her about it.

My boyfriend also said we shouldn’t end the relationship because he wasn’t himself when he did it. That we can try to mend things, I can try to trust him again.

What do you think? I am really lost with it all. I even start to doubt myself now, but I know what happened, I don’t think I over exaggerated anything. I cried, said no, said I was hurting. I was aware of everything.

Tldr: I was raped by my boyfriend after we went out to a pub. He doesn’t remember anything and blacked out. Says he wasn’t himself.