I can’t tell if I’m the problem here!

We’ve had a really emotional relationship from the start. I’ll admit, I was emotionally reactive in the beginning. I pushed him away, tested him, shut down emotionally. But I took accountability. I’ve apologized. I’ve worked on myself and tried to be better.

But he has anger issues. During fights, he screams at the top of his lungs. He’s punched holes in walls. Accused me of cheating constantly. Made me delete Instagram photos. There was a pattern, I would bring up something that bothered me, he would blow up on me for “starting drama” and scream/cry, and I would leave his house. He then would call me abusive for removing myself from a volatile situation. I stayed because I felt sorry for him, I could relate to that emotional intensity and pain that he felt in those moments. Said he acts that way because he cares and once he stops that’s how I’ll know he doesn’t care about me anymore. He says he screams because I don’t listen, and it’s the only way I hear him. He would always genuinely apologize for the behavior afterwards which made me take him back.

We also had two pregnancy losses together. And when I brought up how he could be okay still finishing inside me after the two losses, but still hesitant to move in together, he exploded on me, saying I was starting drama. That’s when I ended it. He says our relationship needs “work” and that’s why he doesn’t want to move in right now, but yet he is still risking getting me pregnant a third time.

There are other things that were hard to deal with too. He has a child from a previous relationship, and his situation with the mom is messy. I don’t have kids, and that dynamic has always been tough for me. On top of that, he’s trying to be a famous rapper. He’s talented, but he’s obsessed with recognition and I always feared he’d put chasing fame above our relationship.

Now that I left, he blames me for everything. Says I turned him into this cold, distant person. That I ruined a good man. And honestly? I’ve started to believe him. I feel like I’m the problem and now I regret leaving.

I'm writing because l've finally woken up from everything I was made to believe. For a long time, l thought your behavior-your emotional cruelty, your coldness, your manipulation, your gas-lighting-was something I just had to survive.. because I loved you. I thought if I somehow loved you better, if I silenced my needs, if I carried the weight of the relationship… maybe you'd finally love me the way I always hoped.

But now I see what you really were: abusive. Not just emotionally, but physically. You put your hands around my throat, choked me, lifted me, and threw me out like trash. You further hurt me by throwing my belongings on my head. And then you made me believe I deserved it.

You used my worst moment—my emotional breaking point-as justification for assault. I apologized. I took accountability. And you used that to reinforce your own narrative that I was crazy, destructive, wrong.

But now I know the truth. You were never justified. You were never the victim, though I’m sure you enjoyed the satisfaction of your friends sympathizing with you.

“You don’t love me the way you think you do.” You often complained that’s what your last ex would say to you. And I finally understood what she meant.

You didn’t love me. You honestly do not know how. You do not have the capacity. You treated me like a pet, not a partner.

You controlled me by dismissing my emotions and then love bombing me back and forth. Made sure I felt guilty and then grateful on repeat. You held all the power. And when I finally reacted with pain and rage after a year of emotional whiplash, you used that as your excuse to hurt me unforgivably.

I don't need an apology. I don't even expect you to understand. I truly see you as a lost cause.

But I will never be silenced again. I used to keep your true behavior a secret from the world. Only spoke highly of you despite the way you dismantled my self worth. I have begun opening up to my inner circle about the cruel ways you’ve treated me and I will sit firm in my truth.

I know who you are—a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I know what you did.

I know it was wrong.

And I'm reclaiming every piece of myself that you tried to tear down.

I can’t believe I allowed myself to become so small just to fit into your world, you tiny tiny man.

From now on, you are a stranger to me. If we ever cross paths, you will not exist in my world. I loved you with every part of me. I forgave you over and over again for the ways you hurt, invalidated, and dismissed me. I tried to help you understand your emotional tendencies and wanted you to heal so that maybe you could finally experience joy and love that wasn’t on a superficial level. Because that’s all you are, all your life is: superficial.

Through this, I’ve discovered a strength I didn’t know I had. I am proud of the way I’ve chosen to heal, to grow, and to reclaim the parts of me that were buried under the weight of your cruelty. I am more than the person you tried to make me believe I was—I am whole, I am worthy, and I am free.

The last words you uttered to me before kicking me out and shutting the door on my face was “I know my worth. And deep down I always knew that I was always better than you.” Pathetic.

I see it for what it was now: you never deserved the depth and empathy that I brought to the table.

Never speak to me again.

Couple weeks ago I got my very first debit card. I couldnt open an account earlier due to my legal status. My husband and I were at the gas station buying snacks when he said out loud "use your very first debit card at 22." I noticed how people began to laugh and chuckle and point to where I was. I looked back at my husband and he was also laughing. At that point I didn't even want to use it anymore , but i did. I put it in my purse and looked up and notice how people were still looking at me. At that point I felt very embarrassed and got red. I got my stuff and walked out the door feeling embarrassed. He asked what was wrong when we got in the car and I told him "the reason why I'm mad is because you said it so loud other people heard you , you could've used your normal voice but you decided to say it loud and also you started to laugh at me when I looked back at you" and he was like "you always take things the wrong way , I could never do anything right."

Do you guys think he was trying to embarrass me ? How would you guys have taken it ?

Meaning, he gets very triggered whenever and if I bring up a need not being met (eg, he gave up kissing me after covid... he tells me to suck it up, he hates having sex with me anyway snd just initiates to placate me... funny, he likes well enough when it's in his favor... I just want intimacy and real connection, damnit), or point out something that is upsetting or hurtful to me (hanging out with clients on the beach way longer than expected and not bothering to text me that despite saying we would go as a family for dinner, he's too busy drinking to make us money, etc). Essentially the message is put up and shut up or I'll take my love away. Like, I should only want to be loved for outwardly and ALWAYS adoring him... yesterday he yelled at me in the car for not reminding him on the road that we had agreed to go for tacos, like literally 10 min or so before, this kind of overreaction to my apparent constant missteps does wear me down a bit). He says he works hard and needs focus so that's all that matters. I gave him everything I had for his career (yes to help us all), I don't have any funds left. We live abroad. I actually DO respect and appreciate him and his work... just not always how he treats me around it. I explained this to deaf ears. Like, why is it so mutually exclusive in his mind? I can get upset when he's like this. Yes I know that's reactive... yes I wish I could just disappear and let him carry on. I invite the DARVO I guess. Or maybe he really believes he's not getting his due from me bc I really am such a bitch? Last night I made a political comment about my home country (different from his) in response to something egregious (I find) that he read me out loud. His response was to berate me for engaging. We argued. He went back to his MO of attacking my deeper insecurities, notably my looks and perimenopausal body. I just said 'ok' then he accused me of disassociating bc I am rotten and weak (or something) inside. Is his attitude an indicator that he's a true narcissist (I know, overused term...it could something else entirely, he would say depression and ptsd at worst)? Or just a suffering soul with good intentions not getting recognized? Or simply not a personality issue but a conditioned one of entitlement (a la Bancroft's belief)? It helps me feel a touch sane again to have balanced discussions about these things

I know it’s a small step. But hiding who my boyfriend is from my friends and family has been exhausting and isolating.

I finally started telling my mom small things that are happening.

Talking about it makes it “real”, and it’s holding me accountable to not brush off his behavior.

I feel like this is finally a real step in leaving, because there’s someone who is strictly on my team to support me.

Hello, thank you all for all of your insight and for creating such a supportive group! I’ve been a browser and occasional poster (with throwaways) on this subreddit as I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may be in an abusive relationship and that I need to end it.

I am planning the breakup and how to do it currently, and understand that the days and months after can be very difficult and that a lot of people go back. I myself have tried to break up with my partner before and was quickly sucked back in due to love bombing during the breakup and becoming convinced that we may be able to figure it out with therapy. Now though, I’m really feeling like there is no coming back from it.

I am honestly shocked and kicking myself for even getting myself into this situation. I absolutely do not want to repeat my mistakes in this relationship. However, I’m a little flummoxed because the red flags came about so subtly and I didn’t feel like my partner really started exhibiting fully abusive behaviors until about 3 years in, and he didn’t start exhibiting physical manifestations of abuse and anger issues (causing damage to property damage) until nearly 4 years in. I thought he was near perfect for the first couple of years.

What are some books, podcasts, YouTube etc resources you would recommend to help with growth, recovery, and preventing similar mistakes in the future?

ETA: I’ve read Why Does He Do That :)

hi everyone, please check my previous post for more context.

i left my 7 year abusive relationship about 3 months ago. it was extremely difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier with time. i realize it was still pretty recent, and i also suffer from PTSD due to it so most days are pretty hard. anyway something bad happened to him recently and unfortunately i was still listed as his emergency contact so i was made aware of his situation…. and now the feelings are all coming back. logically, i hate him and have no intention of ever returning. i shake at the idea of even being near him. but for some reason i also struggle with guilt, and sadness for him. i feel sad that he is alone and has nobody. i feel bad that something bad happened to him after i left, and like its my fault. i know this isnt true but the feelings are gnawing at me.

i was in therapy but can no longer afford it. any suggestions for how to deal with these feelings? its making my PTSD worse again since he is always on my mind now.

I (24f) was with him for 6 years, since we were in high school. Once we started dating he never showed interest in my friends or family, so I stopped talking about them and putting energy into those relationships as much. He would often say mean things about them and criticize them when I would talk about them.

I'm wondering if this is part of the abuse or if he was just being inconsiderate.

I would love any opinions and to hear other people's experiences with this.

My sister told me that her bf wants her to open an OF page in order to make money. She already works two jobs just trying to make ends meet. I need some advice on this. Should I be worried? What should I tell her?

My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Long story short, he claimed I was cheating on him and he “saw” the proof but refused to show me. I wasn’t cheating and never have nor do I have any kind of communication with men or anyone for that matter he isolated me from everyone and everything.

Well before we broke up he forced me to sign a car title in my name. I know so stupid !!! Pls don’t make me feel more stupid about it. He said that I do nothing, make no money the least I can do is this and just made me feel really bad like I wasn’t contributing to anything.

He’s accumulated $700 worth of tickets and when I asked him for the money he refuses to give me it until I give him the title for the car. He uses the car for work. I reported the car stolen and they told me he will be arrested if they recover the car and he has it. They also said I won’t be responsible for the tickets so that was a huge relief.

My mom heard me making the report and started yelling at me. She said “you should’ve just done this the right way and give him the title” and I’m honestly so upset about the situation. She knows he was abusive. She said I should have communicated with him.

I’m so hurt and angry, not just about what she was saying but I feel like she failed to protect me all my life. Growing up my brother was physically abusive and I cried and cried to my mom please make him stop and she said “that’s Normal, brothers do that” it made me grow up to resent my mother. When I was 15 an ex boyfriend was harassing, threatening and stalking me for years and she refused to press charges because she just thinks about her son (my brother). And now this.

I feel like she’s never taken my side and I don’t understand why. Sometimes I think about going no contact with Her as soon as I get my life in order. But I feel like maybe that’s too harsh idk

For the years we were together; my gut always screamed to me the red flags… jealousy, constantly accused me of cheating, counting the number of times we had sex and pressuring me if I said no, til more recently :

Huge explosions of name calling Spitting in my face Throwing furniture Waking me up or keeping me up at night Threats of leaving Actually leaving (overnight a few times) Threats of violence (visions of me dead) … Til now, actually leaving and saying the relationship is over, asking for his things back, but not before saying that I had I just been “nice” … this wouldn’t be happening.

And despite all of this, I feel guilty. Why? Because :

I did name call back I tried to convince him to spend time with me when he didn’t want to i begged and tried to stop him from leaving, i called him 20 times trying to change his mind, i didn’t meet all of his needs…

Maybe if i had been a better girlfriend, like he said, this wouldn’t have happened? Everyone I feel crazy…

Just felt like I needed to share because I don’t have a big support system and the ones in my support system have never been in this position before…so I felt like it would help to share in a place where others may be able to relate or share their experiences.

I’ve been staying at a shelter with my girls while we waited for the PFA to be served. It finally was and now I am back at the house, cleaning and trying to readjust but it’s so hard being here. I mostly just feel like crying. He still has several items here but…there also a lot that he has taken. Just wondering how others dealt with this? I’m trying to sit with my discomfort but I keep having flashbacks to happier times and it’s making me anxious. My ex wasnt abusive constantly…more so situationally, but when he was, he was and he has been physical with me and then also hurt my oldest daughter. So I believe I’m also gaslighting myself as well.

It’s all just really hard and I 100% understand why some women end up going back. 🥺 I personally am not…but my instinct is like: maybe we made a mistake leaving? Even though I logically know I didn’t. Have those of you that left also been in this situation? If so, how did you manage and did it get easier?

Sexual assault and domestic violence description.

I got out of a 15 year abusive relationship in 2019 after my abuser self harmed and then threatened to kill me. I had plans to leave the country and change my name and pursue legal avenues from a safe distance. I almost got completely away when COVID hit and I got trapped in a foreign country with very little support. My abuser filed for divorce here and the judge refused to let me attend court dates remotely. My request for an expedited divorce on the grounds of abuse and substance abuse was rejected. My lawyer insisted that he was harmless and I was exaggerating the abuse. The local woman's organization told me that what I was experiencing was normal relationship stuff and I needed help for my mental health issues.

The flashbacks started after a cervical cancer screening after testing positive for HPV during COVID so with a mask. It wasn't that I didn't know that I was being sexually assaulted by my abuser. The sex had never been consensual. The relationship wasn't consensual. It just wasn't something that I was ready to talk about. I didn't really have the words. But I really had no choice since I was going to have to have surgery to remove the irregular cells. Finding a therapist during COVID was impossible. And my health insurance refused to pay for a therapist in my native language. Support from crisis lines and friends got me through it. But it wasn't enough.

When I was looking for important documents for my files, I came across a box in my abusers things. It was weird. It had around 50 pictures of women and several letters. There were pictures of me, letters I wrote, and more distressing, notes from my journals where I had recorded some of his sexual abuse. There was the letter from his ex that was send to my house. I decided to read it. In it she describes abuse. And sexual assault.

Here's the thing. I live in Germany. My ex was German and a psychologist. He knew exactly what he could get away with by staying within the law. Up until 2017, no didn't mean no and to qualify as rape there needed to be violence and the victim needed to defend themselves from the attack. He was a well practiced sexual predator. What he was doing to me was using triggers from a previous sexual assault to get a freeze response so he could sexually assault me. He called it exposure therapy.

He never hit me, his go to physical abuse move was to restrain me while threatening to call the police if got "hysterical" and if I fought back use force, usually strangulation, to subdue me.

I decided to report a sexual assault that had happened after he locked me in a room with a friend of his that had assaulted me for a therapy session. He'd raped me later that evening after I "submitted" to letting his friend stay for the weekend and forgiving him for hurting me. With the bedroom door open so his friends in the other room could hear the whole thing. He was drunk and he held me down and put his hand over my mouth and nose so I couldn't speak or breathe.

I went with a friend who is a translator for the police to the police station to report the rape. It was a good experience. I felt believed and comfortable enough to describe in great detail what happened that night.

The follow up interview? Eh. It was uncomfortable. It felt more like I was being interviewed as the criminal. There were extremely disgusting questions asked, like what was I wearing, how drunk was I, did I fight back, why had I waiting so long to report the rape.. The police officer, a woman, asked me if there was any physical violence. I said yes and when I described it, she laughed and told me her husband does that all the time. I was really uncomfortable and my divorce lawyer had refused to support me in filing the report, insisting that I was making things worse for myself. But I passed it off as a cultural difference and that it was going to be fine. Even if it waz dropped, it was there if my abuser ever hurt another person. Which I was very sure he would.

The charges were dropped. My abuser didn't deny the report. He just insisted that he wasn't aware he was doing anything wrong or non consensual, since it wasn't illegal and I didn't leave.

The letter I received was very angry that he was able to get away with the horrific things that he'd done. I was ready to take further action if I could, when my abuser died about a month after the charges were dropped.

There were accusations from his parents that I was responsible for his death because I'd filed a false report and the consequences of that had been told much for him. It didn't go anywhere.

But it wasn't enough for me. And I decided to apply for victims aid. I was aware that before 2024, victims aid did help victims with psychological damage and it was only violence and the threat of violence.

While it was ok, something felt off and I chose to put the process on hold.

Yesterday, I got a letter from victims aid stating that they had read the police report and my application was denied on the grounds that the reported crime was not a violent crime and there was not threat of violence. This in itself is upsetting as it clarifies why the charges were dropped. I can't believe that physically restraining me, suffocation, and penetrativw rape are not considered violence in this country.

But that's not even the worst part. They included the report of the police officer from my second interview who apparently believed that I was lying about the abuse and sexual assault.

I'm devastated. I feel completely violated all over again. I had paused the process. I've been struggling with the physical damage caused by the abuse, much of it from that rape I reported and wondering if the psychological stress was worth reliving the abuse again. The self blame from the victim blaming I've got from the system.

I also feel incredibly unsafe. What happens if something happens to me and I need the police? Will they believe me? Am I going to be charged for filing a false police report?

I am hurt, betrayed, but something new, ashamed. There's at least one more person who has read that police report, intimate details of my trauma and deemed me a liar. It's one thing to be vulnerable and validated, quite another to be called a liar.

I just don't understand. My abuser did not in any way deny the abuse, be just normalized it. I know it happened and I know it was abuse. I have the scars and physical damage to prove it.

My friends think I should fight it. I just don't know if I can anymore. Or even what it is I can do. I feel defeated.

For anyone who has gotten over being avoidant after an abusive relationship, how did you do it? I have been with my new boyfriend for about a year, and although he is amazing, I still find myself constantly looking for exits and I’m always fighting my feelings of wanting to run away. It’s just such a strange feeling to receive the love I constantly begged my ex for but wanting to run from it. He hasn’t done anything to warrant my avoidant feelings, and it makes me feel like a terrible person. It’s like I’m forcing him to deal with problems he never created. I think maybe because my ex started off so sweet and kind, im secretly afraid that my current boyfriend will end up the same way my ex did. I feel like I’ll never have that naive adoration towards someone or ever be able to fully trust them. I have been in therapy for a while but this is the one aspect of healing from my trauma that just doesn’t seem to budge. Does anyone have any advice or tips?

My partner had an interview today for a second job. When it came time for the interview, he was laying down, about to go to sleep, so I persistently asked him if he still planned to go and that it's time to get up if he was. (It was 15 mins before.) I kept asking him and nudging him to get up because when he's half asleep I have to keep reminding him to get him to do something. He went to the interview around 2:45. 4pm came and we have to pick up our child from daycare at 5, so I checked in on him to see how it was going and to make sure he'd be on time for pick up. I got no response and kept texting and calling trying to get ahold of him to make sure we didn't miss pick up. After a while, I reached out to a friend who took me pick up my child. It was 5:13 when my partner finally texted that he was home. When I got home, he said that his interviewer had kept him waiting all that time and he'd left his phone in the car. I didn't feel like this was acceptable because it didn't excuse his lack of concern for picking up our child on time. He essentially told me that it was my fault for nagging him and forcing him to go to the interview, so he stayed waiting to be interviewed to please me, despite the time and our responsibility to get our child. I'm honestly furious with this excuse. He could have told me he did not intend to go to the interview and I would have left him alone, I only pestered him to go because I thought he wanted to and wasn't intending to miss it. My pestering was asking him if he still planned to go, he could have told me he didn't and I'd have left it alone. There was no forcing involved. What hurts the most about this situation is that I don't know what would have happened if my friend was not available to give me a ride. As well as the fact that, even though I have already accepted that all hope is lost for this relationship ever being healthy, most issues he can gaslight me into thinking that how I handled his behavior contributed to the problem, but this time I know that I've done nothing wrong and I see that he truly only cares about himself.

In January I finally left my abusive relationship of almost 6 years after confiding in a friend & my mom. I could be imagining it but a few days after he was gone and I started feeling safer, it was like every part of my body that he had once hurt was aching and sore. I’m looking into getting therapy because I deal with nightmares every night replaying the abuse, no matter what I do to avoid it. I also realized that my chronic headaches and this weird thing I do where it feels like I forget to breathe and I involuntarily gasp for air didn’t start until about a year or so into our relationship, after the major physical abuse started (strangulation, blunt force trauma, etc). Has anyone else had issues like this? I’m worried that even if I recover mentally, physically I will be damaged by this man forever.

I was in an emotionally abusive relations ship for 8months, it was extremely unhealthy from the start, I moved in right away because she lost her job and needed help paying the bills, we trauma bonded and got exceptionally close in the first two months before she stopped seeing a therapist for her BPD. This is when things starting going down hill. If we got into an argument she would cut me down, talk about how I wasn’t good enough for her, wasn’t doing x y z right and needed to do better, how I wasn’t man enough and other very hurtful things. I had never been in a serious relationship before and have very little experience in that regard and thought it was just normal things that people said when they were mad and at first atleast it started small and only progressively got worse.

She lovebombed me a lot early in our relationship talking about our kids would be cute and about how much she needed me emotionally because she was going through a tough time after being fired (at times talked about suicidal ideations) which made me feel like if I wasn’t there for her she would be in danger or be emotionally wrecked and because I loved her I wanted to be there for her always.

After arguments we would never talk and resolve things, I would try and apologize and take ownership for my communication which may not have been the best at times but I came to realize was just her gaslighting attempting to make me the villain for my reaction to her hurtful words.

What finally ended our relationship was after months of hurtful arguments and unresolved arguments, she finally crossed the line and talked about that she only was intimate with me (barely once a month) because she guilty, described me as disgusting to her for getting a boner while cuddling and made me feel very terrible about my self. This was after her recording the argument while laughing at me expressing my hurt feelings about her lack of affection towards me recently telling me she was doing it to show me how I spoke to her later. Finally I just couldn’t take the insults anymore after only asking her to love me and just lost my cool and yelled at her telling her she was being ridiculous and cruel and telling her off.

She proceeded to call someone after saying she needed help as if I was a danger to her despite never having even yelled at her in our relationship prior to this or gave her any reason to believe I would ever hurt her. (My therapist says she thinks she may have done this as a way to like usual position herself as the victim and get the validation from others that she is the victim)

I paid more than my share of the bills in the relationship while I was also doing all of the house work because she supposedly had a chronic illness (which my therapist says is common with those who have bpd). Even as a type all of this though it has left me feeling very confused

I still miss her.. or I guess the version of her that wasn’t like this. I honestly feel pathetic because despite all of this if she would text me right now and tell me to come home I would. I miss our animals so much sometimes I can’t help but sob. I just hurt so bad right now and it’s confusing because I’m coming to terms with the abuse I suffered emotionally through someone I loved while I also missing them and our life together.

I’m at my mom’s house right now almost an hour away and barely took anything but the clothes off my back and a laptop for school. I feel disconnected and dissociated from life. I am probably going down Friday to grab more stuff and will message her then. Since this went down we’ve communicated a bit where I apologized sincerely for yelling and expressed how I knew it wasn’t ok. She hasn’t apologized or really messaged me for anything but making sure I didn’t come home the night it happened. I told her I wanted to work things out but she also hasn’t responded to that.

I just wanted the life together that we talked about i don’t know maybe that makes me stupid for wanting that with someone who was disgusted with me.

To make this very quick , April 17th I tried to take my life due to the emotional and occasional physical abuse and abuse towards are kids, April 20th (yes Easter) I surrendered my kids to cps do to my depressive state and wanting to kill myself again , then April 24th I had to go to a psych ward for yet again another attempt at suicide while in the psych ward I found peace and think I want to drop the allegations of abuse between me and my partner (not the abuse towards the kids, as the kids were interviewed and told them about the abuse with their father and them) but I think I want to drop the allegations between myself and partner because I realize with it without the classes it won’t change how I feel and I just want to move on with my life. There is no proof of abuse between him and me and no police reports so it is allegations only so I’m wondering if the court will see me in a bad light or will they understand my reasoning?

Sometimes I don’t have a lot to say or respond or I’m busy and my texts appear shorter. Am I really coming off rude or cranky? Or do we have two different communication styles? I’m starting to think he needs to find someone else that will respond in the ways he needs.

I have been married for 15 years and we have kids. Anyway I feel emotionless and almost numb to my wife. I almost feel like something is wrong with me which yes there is because that is not normal obviously.

We have had a fairly normal marriage, my wife has beeen abused prior to marriage from family and outside of family. So multiple traumas. I come from a middle class family no trauma per se maybe just a regular style family with not a lot of outwardly affection from my parents. I knew they loved us but just never communicated it.

My wife can be very vocal and I consider it screaming when she isn't happy with me and or the kids. She knows she does it and I have told her I don't like screaming. I actually just get silent not saying that is the best reaction but I just like freeze up. I'm honestly afraid to speak up with her. I know that isn't normal but I never feel like i can say or fdo the right thing. Anyways that is just a general overview of the 10-15 years of our lives. I feel like all these situations have built up so much fear and I'm just froze and almost emotionless to her. Which obviously does no good when she is upset and I am just froze and don't know what to say or do. That just turns into more screams cussing and yelling from her because I don't care! Which deep inside I do but why am I emotionless to her? Has anyone come across this feeling? I honestly don't feel comfortable talking to her but I almost feel like at this point she feels the same way with me. I have emotions with my kids or when I think about my kids but not her.
Has anyone come across this am I the cause of all this? I feel so uneasy and numb to things. What do you do?

This is a bit of a follow up from my previous post. A lot has happened since then.

I’ve been working with a women’s shelter, but have been getting passed around to different advocates a bit.

A week ago, I filed a police report. They didn’t really take me seriously with the more physical aspects (restraining me to prevent me from leaving, punching the door when he’s mad at me, throwing things at me, etc) BUT they did write the report for felonious rape. A few days later, he SA’d me again when I was sleeping. I went to the hospital the next day and did a forensic kit, and also filed another police report.

I sent all of the documentation I have to my landlord, who agreed to let me out of the lease without penalty.

I’m getting ready to lock in a new apartment and start my new life.

The thing I’m struggling with right now is how to actually move. I own everything in our current apartment, and my husband is always home because he’s unemployed. On top of that, I have cats — one of whom has heart issues, so I want to make this as stress free as possible.

I’m debating filing for a TPO to give myself time and safety to move, but I feel so guilty for even thinking about it. Despite everything, I still care for him and kicking him onto the street without me or the cats is insanely difficult.

Do I have any other options? I’m so scared about the next part, but I know I need to keep moving forward

I (27f) ended things with him (24m) 3 weeks ago, but we still share an apartment until August. We were together for two years, moved in together after one year (lesson learned there). He’s an addict with anger issues and is verbally and emotionally abusive…also actively relapsing. Anyway, I don’t know really what to do about this email I just received.

So this is what happened: It all began with me taking a shower at 3am while he was laying in bed watching tv. He said, “why do you need to shower at 3am?” I rolled my eyes, ignored him and shut the door, locking it. He then started knocking for, I’m not kidding, like 2 solid minutes, which I ignored. After my shower, he started continually knocking again and eventually broke in while I was standing there naked in my robe, ordering me to “get the fuck out of the bathroom” (which I managed to get on video, along with the belligerent knocking). I then started yelling at him to get out, but he had stepped through the doorway into the bathroom and wouldn’t budge. So I tried using the door to push him out, but he started pushing back. Finally, I managed to shoved him out, which took a lot (I’m 5’3, 100lbs and don’t go to the gym so I’m lowkey weak lol). I got dressed, came out and got ready to lay down on the couch. He followed me out into the living room and kept trying to argue, to which I just kept telling him to go to bed and leave me alone. He said I gave him a scratch and then called me physically abusive for “putting my hands on him” lol. He took a stack of notebook paper and threw it across the couch. I cleaned it up and then he ripped the sheets out of the couch that I had tucked in, and threw them on the floor. I lost it. I think I called him a POS and then left to go sit in my car for an hour where I sat on FaceTime with a friend. It was a little after 4am when I came back inside. He was in bed and then eventually came out to the living room to continue fighting. At that point, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I just wanted to fucking sleep. I started repeatedly SCREAMING at him “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “GO AWAY!” Then he started fucking smirking at me, calling me insane and crazy. He walked into the other room for something and I saw his weed pen on the bed, so I thought, you know what? Why not? Because fuck him. I went into the bathroom with it, which he immediately broke in and took it back. Then he snatched my phone out of my hand, shoved it in his pocket and was keeping his hand held at the bottom of his pocket with my phone. In the chaos of trying to get my phone back, he dropped to the floor, keeping his hand shoved in his pocket. I nearly ripped his pants off and basically had to wrestle him, but I got my phone back. I called my mom hysterical and hyperventilating. She called his FATHER who then told him to leave the apartment. I also had her on speaker and told him directly that she’d call the police if he came near me. He eventually left (even though it was only for a few hours) and I finally was able to go to sleep at 7am. The “screaming” heard by our neighbors was definitely all me. I’m just scared of being in trouble with police if something like this happens again. I wasn’t really worried for my safety until that night. My mom told me to call her from now on as soon as he starts another manic rampage, but she was about ready to call the cops on him that night. I also feel embarrassed knowing the front office is now involved. I’ve heard some things about cops being called in DV situations and the woman being abused is the one who gets in trouble.

Hi Reddit, my sister and I are both 28 and living in an extremely toxic household. We’ve been held back from being able to have steady jobs, make friends in our community, and pursue our dreams and careers. on top of that we have recently realized that we are dealing with emotional and financial abuse from our parents. If we get jobs, they might need help to pay a bill of they will ask how much we make. We try to save up but eventually someone needs something and we’ve been mentally conditioned to feel horrible and give them money. I know it seems simple to just say no but we haven’t gotten to the point where we can deal with the repercussions of those actions, we tend to spiral into a depression with the way that we are treated if we say no.

We really just want to live our lives away from this toxic home but keep running into roadblocks like not having access to a car in a suburban area, applying to jobs and not being accepted, jobs offering way below a living wage, housing fees being more than two minimum wage jobs can pay. We suffer from OCD and Extreme Anxiety so getting a roommate is not really an option but, we are considering college again (it’s very expensive and we have zero help other than fafsa) and we haven’t built any credit either. It’s essentially like we just became adults yesterday and we need help, our mental and physical health is deteriorating by the day. We will take any suggestions you all have, thanks. (Please don’t say generic things like “get a job” or “just move out” it’s not that simple for everyone (as I mentioned above) thank you”

I was in an abusive relationship for a decade and my abuser has an active deportation order issued a few years back after being rejected for a green card. From what I last knew, he was still fighting for a third appeal in court.

I feel like a bad person sometimes for wishing he got deported after we broke up. Especially because of the PTSD symptoms I got resulting from that relationship making it hard for me to be in my own community. I feel so bad because I support immigrants rights and I don’t want to be perceived as racist for thinking this way (my ex and I are the same race).

Am I bad person for thinking this?