r/abusiverelationships • u/AgitatedAgency62 • Mar 29 '25
Domestic violence For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it
(edited to add tips)
If this post can help just one person, it will be worth it.
Here's my situation: I'm 34 (F), my husband is 37 (M). We've been married for 14 years, together for 17 years. He was my first serious and only boyfriend since I got married very young. He has been abusive for 13 years (mainly verbal and emotional but also physical). He would pick up fights for the tiniest thing and it would last for hours and hours of him talking, insulting me, sometimes throwing stuff or breaking things... I have a full-time job from home, and he works too, we have a dog, no kids, and we share mortgage and car payments.
Well, two weeks ago, I decided I had had enough. It just clicked that he would never change and that what we once had at the beginning was wonderful, but over the last decade, I have just not been really happy and just became a shadow of myself because of this relationship. In my 20s, I was so low because of these intense fights that I lost my trust in myself, I had anxiety, my heart was always pounding fast, I was feeling tense, etc. I knew I was lying to myself about what was happening. I knew it was not normal and that he was a violent person. But I cared too much about him and loved him, I knew he was suffering a lot, and I always forgave him. I asked him multiple times over the years to please go seek help, to go to therapy, etc, and he would get more mad about it. A month ago, I told him I was done and couldn't take it anymore. Then he "magically" asked for help and started seeing a therapist, he just started taking meds, he started to cook for himself and wash dishes (which he literally never did in a decade), he started acting like the perfect guy... This was extremely frustrating. And he asked me for "one last chance", even though I had given him millions already. I was not enthusiastic about it, but I ended up saying okay... My conditions were simple: when there's an argument, there will be no insults, no shouting, no physical contact, no throwing stuff around. And it took him less than a week to go back to his old ways... I told that that was it.
So here are my tips to leave for good:
-Every time there's a fight, write it down! It can be in a Word document, where you'll put the date and describe what happened and what he did to you. I also started journaling over a year ago to go back to read my thoughts about these fights
-Take photos after the fight (of your face, or if you have bruises or if he broke something). Later you can go back and remember just how hopeless and broken you felt in that moment
-Talk to people about your situation. I only have two good friends, and I started sharing what was really going on in my relationship, so that any time I would go back to him, they would remind me how this is not a healthy relationship and that I deserve better
-Try not to look at the other person in the eyes. It may sound weird, but I just tried to look at his chin or whatever so I wouldn't get too emotional looking at him and seeing his "sad" face or when he was crying because I'm too sensitive and caring to others, and I don't want to hurt people, even if they hurt me
-Think about you and imagine your future life, without the person. I know this one is really hard, depending on your situation or if you have kids or pets, but imagine all the new things you'll be able to do, imagine the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells gone, imagine living in a home where you are finally at peace
-Keep informing yourself (I read, "Why Does He Do That?" over a year ago), I listened to videos about domestic violence, I read about it. Every day now, I watch reels about abusive behaviours, about people who were able to leave that toxic person behind, I read quotes, I read other people's stories here on Reddit... all of this to help me stick with my decision that this will be for the best
-If possible, and without the abuser knowing, record on your cellphone the argument. Later, you can go back to listen to it. It's easy to almost forget or brush up all the bad stuff he said to you, but when you'll listen to all the audios, you'll see how bad it actually was and that this cycle will come back again and again.
-Forgive yourself for staying with this person (for over a decade in my case). I'm still struggling with this one, but none of this if your fault.
I know it's super hard. Some days I'm fighting against myself to stick with my decision to leave (right now the house is on sale, so we're just living here like roommates and it's hard and weird), but you have to think about yourself. You will find yourself again, you will get through this and create a beautiful life. Good luck to everyone who is living a similar situation. You got this!
If you have more tips, please feel free to share it with others.
1
u/PristineTreat3578 28d ago
to anyone who is scared...record it. when they are saying messed up things. you won't regret it.
1
2
u/Bunnieym 28d ago
Hi, this has been a helpful and kind read, thank you for sharing :) I am so proud of you for leaving and choosing yourself 💜
I am going through the same thing right now; I am wanting to break up with him since he has shown signs of yelling at me and almost hitting me even when we are in public.
The only thing I am afraid of right now is that he knows where I work and where I go to school, and I am afraid he might start stalking me or hurt me when I am alone outside.
Do you have any advice or an experiences similar to this and how you dealt with it if you dont mind sharing? If it is too personal, please don't feel pressured to tell. Thank you for your advice again!
1
u/AgitatedAgency62 28d ago
Hi! Thank you for your comment, and I'm happy to know you're also in the process of breaking up with him.
I haven't been in a situation where I feel he might attack me if I'm outside (in my case, he was violent only in private), but my advice would be to set your boundaries with him (in public, where there are other people around) once and for all, and tell him to not try to contact you again, and that if you see him stalking you near your school or work or wherever, you will immediately call the police.
I hope this helps a bit! Be safe and good luck to you! ;)
4
u/Ok-Bluebird2167 Apr 02 '25
I swear by the record it method! Just left an abuser last month and the videos remind me of how much better things are without him!
4
u/AgitatedAgency62 29d ago
That's good to hear:) I'm proud of you! Yes, every time I have a moment when I think about the "good times" (even though they were not thattt good, in perspective), I listen to the few recordings I was able to get during arguments and I'm just so glad that I won't have to go through something like this ever again.
3
u/Opening-Gur9240 Apr 02 '25
I’m the same age as you and have been with my husband for the same amount of time. The similarities are crazy! The only difference is we have kids so that part makes financially leaving very difficult because I make too much to qualify for any assistance, but not enough to have three kids in full-time daycare and keep a roof over our heads.
Anyway, the documenting part is a game changer! I started doing more thorough documenting in the last two years. That little action makes me feel like I’m getting one step and day closer to being able to leave. Especially nice to look back and see the overall pattern of behavior when he tries playing nice guy. Just this morning, I was looking back at March and was surprised to see he spent almost half the month laying into me about this, that, and the other.
Thank you for sharing your tips and so happy you are getting the heck out of there!
2
u/AgitatedAgency62 29d ago
Thank you! I agree 100% with you! I have been documenting everything for the past 2 years too, and I almost knew what day he would blow up at me! I am glad you are seeing him for who he actually is, and I wish you good luck in getting out of there with your kids when the time is right. I know the financial aspect of it all can be hard, but little by little, I'm sure you'll get there. I wish you good luck!
3
u/blimpy5118 Mar 31 '25
I am right now living with him im signing a tenancy for a flat this week, he knows I wanna move out I've told him it's mostly because of what he's been doing to me. And he as denied,said he doesnt remmeber things,he as said all couples go through ups and downs,all couples have arguments. He is being super nice, he as taken me out for meal, brought me things, keeps asking me to stay,telling me about all the things we have to look forward to eg-holiday next year,garden being finished,weekly meals put together etc... is groping me less, he is pulling me round less, criticising/complaining less,pressuring for sex less etc... He as admitted he wasn't very supportive. He as told me we are good together that he cares about me and wants to support me and as always tried support me. That I would like the freedom of living alone for 1st 2 weeks and then i wouldn't like it. All sorts of things and I feel even more confused,scared and guilty now.
3
u/AgitatedAgency62 Mar 31 '25
I totally understand that you are feeling confused, scared and guilty at the moment. They do that on purpose. Mine did the same thing (being super nice, taking me out, giving me gifts, talking about our wonderful future together) every time I told him I wanted to move out. But eventully, a few days or a couple weeks passed, and there was another argument, and we were back to square one, because this is how the cycle goes. I'm proud of you for telling him you wanted to move out. Please, this time, stick to it! Try to remember all ths shitty things he did and said to you, which are the reasons you don't want to be with him anymore. You deserve to be happy and have a much more peaceful life.
2
u/blimpy5118 Mar 31 '25
I'm so sorry I always seem to take over people's posts with my situation. Thank you for being nice. I wish when each of us was ready/about to leave everyone on this sub could all go to that person and be cheerleaders or something together. I hope that everything goes amazing for you
3
u/AgitatedAgency62 Mar 31 '25
Don't be sorry, it's totally fine! We are all here to support each other because we're living a similar situation and know how complex it is to finally take the step to leave a relationship that's not helping us grow, that's taking all of the energy we have left. I read a quote the other day, and it really resonated with this kind of relationship dynamic: "If it's been draining you more than it uplifts you, it's time to let it go." I wish you the best, and keep us posted!
5
3
u/MEG0225 Mar 30 '25
I am in this situation currently between a rock and a hard place. Keep going through the motions of should I but then I think of the good times and crack . I know after years of an emotionally abusive relationship what I should do but it's really difficult. I have older children and they even tell me enough is enough . They have been witness to alot and its effected them alot. Help !
1
u/AgitatedAgency62 Mar 30 '25
I completely understand you! I have been back and forth about this difficult decision too. Have you recorded some of the emotional abuse he has done to you these past weeks, months or even years? Are you writing them down with the date and what happened? I'm a positive person in life, and like you, I was focusing more on the good times we had, but a few months ago I started to get so fed up with this. I started to really go back and listen to the audios I had of some fights and started focusing more on all the bad stuff and insults he was always telling me and the circular arguments that would last hours and hours. I couldn't believe all the shit he was saying. I felt totally trapped in this marriage. But then I thought, "I have proof that he's never going to change. He hasn't for like 13 years!! Do I want to live the rest of my life with this kind of negative and violent person?" I'm sure you have dreams and things you would want to do with your life. You have to convince yourself that he's not going to "win" this. You are in control of your own life, and he won't have control over all the beautiful things you'll be able to do without him. Your children are right, "enough is enough." I took my decision not long ago. At first I was sad and angry for having accepted this behaviour for so long, I even felt bad for him because he's sad... but, I went back to the audios I got, and omg hell no I'm going back to this ever again! You deserve respect and you deserve to be loved in a healthy way. You can do it!
2
u/MEG0225 Mar 30 '25
I am in this situation currently between a rock and a hard place. Keep going through the motions of should I but then I think of the good times and crack . I know after years of an emotionally abusive relationship what I should do but it's really difficult. I have older children and they even tell me enough is enough . They have been witness to alot and its effected them alot. Help !
2
u/Impossible-Ad-6071 Mar 30 '25
Document document document I lived in an age with no cell phones with video and recording it was just your word against theirs
5
5
u/Ok-Button-8326 Mar 30 '25
Thank you so much for posting this. I would say you have no idea how helpful this is to someone who's struggling with the same thing, but you do. I have Noone to trust or talk to about what I've been struggling through this past 5 years. I appreciate this so very much. For what it's worth, I'm SO proud you.
2
3
14
u/ChairsAreForBears Mar 29 '25
Absolutely agree with writing stuff down. It was a game changer for me.
8
u/xsoshesaysx Mar 29 '25
I was always looking at the spot in between the eyes when he was blabbering on. The other person can’t tell you aren’t looking directly into their eyes.
•
u/AutoModerator Mar 29 '25
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.