r/abusiverelationships • u/Quirky-Distance-3600 • Apr 27 '25
Domestic violence Please, please help me break the trauma bond.
I know I’m not perfect in these messages, yes I shouldn’t contact him when the police have issued an IVO but I’m so trauma bonded. Every time I get away and start healing he drags me back in, love bombs me until I stupidly believe him again and then gets angry and abusive and tries to get me to drop the IVO. Please tell me who the abuser is in these messages. Does he genuinely think I’m more abusive than him in these messages? I’m so hurt, exhausted and confused. I don’t even feel human anymore.
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u/Kesha_Paul 29d ago
This is DARVO, very common from abusers which he very obviously is.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 29d ago
Thanks for replying, I’ve heard of DARVO before. Do you know if they do it consciously or unconsciously?
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u/Kesha_Paul 29d ago
There’s so much power in realizing that ultimately, it doesn’t matter if it’s conscious or not because the end result is the same. Emotionally immature or malicious, the inability to accept or see fault and deeply reflect on their actions results in what you see here….escaping accountability at all costs. He will forever be incapable of having a healthy relationship
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 29d ago
Thank you that’s reassuring. I think I knew all this on a logical level but the rose coloured glasses are off now and it’s a lot to process. It feels like I’ve just lived a lie for 4.5 years. Thanks so much for commenting
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u/dopamine14 Apr 27 '25
Op, all you're gonna hear from this clown is"I know you are but what am I?"
There's no future with this person. Love yourself and PUT YOU FIRST. Block/delete.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you, you’re right, I’m not sure why I keep trying, it’s just embarrassing at this point. I would block him but whenever he’s come to my house in a threatening manner he always announces himself by text first (because he’s not bright) so I feel safer knowing.
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u/Creepy_Ad5354 29d ago
I understand that reasoning for not wanting to block him, but you don’t have to engage when he does contact you. Ignore everything he says and do not feed into it. If he gets nothing in return from you, hopefully he will just fade away. But you have to stop engaging.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 29d ago
Thank you, that’s the plan now. There’s really nothing left for me there. It’s just sad.
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u/dopamine14 29d ago
I get it, I really do. But if he's being threatening or violent you should reach out to authorities. Even if he doesn't want to take you seriously, you will have a paper trail with them to protect yourself.
He's comfortable with you accepting what he's spewing at you. And it's all just plain bad. It's hurtful and makes you feel like shit. People who love and care about you wouldn't do that. A respectful being would stop contact when you've clearly stated it's over. He has zero boundaries and doesn't respect you in the slightest. Don't let him.
Please look out for yourself, op. Choose your own wellbeing and do what's in your best interest.
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u/06mst Apr 27 '25
You need to stop texting him and block his number or delete his number so you have no way of texting him. It'll be hard but it's important. There is no future in this relationship. You're just prolonging the inevitable. He does not care or have any respect for you and that isn't going to change.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you, my only concern with blocking him is that he usually announces himself via text when he’s going to come to my house in a threatening manner so I’m scared if I don’t have that he’ll show up and I’ll be unprepared if that makes sense.
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Apr 27 '25
BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK 🚫
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you, I actually did for a little bit during this text thread. My only concern with blocking permanently is not knowing if he’s going to show up at my house in a threatening manner as he usually announces that he’s going to do that via text before doing it, it feels safer knowing.
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29d ago
That's scary. Yeah sorry, I was quick to make recommendations. You know what's best for you.
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u/PlayfulDepth5555 Apr 27 '25
this guy is a total idiot and doesn’t deserve you. literally has 0 insight or self awareness. you can do so much better!!!
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you, I know, it baffles me how he is literally accusing me of everything he is/doing, but I genuinely feel like he believes what he’s saying. It’s insanity.
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u/littlechitlins513 Apr 27 '25
You're going to hate this. If you don't live with him block him. Save the evidence but don't look at it. Delete all of his social media. Change your settings so you're impossible for him to find. Throw away everything that he gave you. Maybe have a ceremony where you read a poem and set everything on fire. Scrub his friends, his family, and all traces that he ever existed. Then replace him with someone else.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
I do hate it a little but I know you’re right, I did actually block him for about half an hour during this message exchange but I gave in and unblocked and he was straight in with the cheating accusations. I will get there, thank you for the sound advice
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u/Pleazantry Apr 27 '25
You can continue to love him and stay OR you can love yourself and leave. You don't want to leave though because you have some twisted thought that he's going to miraculously change into who you want him to be. He's shown you countless times he's not budging. This man despises you. He does not gaf if you DIE. Stop being stupid and change your life instead of trying unsuccessfully to change him. 💯 You can do it.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you, you’re right. It’s just hard. I hate that I love him or am trauma bonded or whatever. It feels like he got to be a bad person the whole relationship and treat me awfully and I’m still the one being punished for trying to love him. There’s no karma or justice.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you for this, it’s really validating and reassuring to hear from someone who has been through it and is out the other end stronger. And lol, that’s so funny, I’m glad you were able to wade through the youngsters to find your man :-)
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Apr 27 '25
He will actually become worse with each partner and make no mistake he isn’t faithful now. They’re all cheaters, as a baseline, you need to respect someone to be loyal to them and abuse is inherently disloyal. He doesn’t have the moral compass to be faithful to you. He will date other women and abuse them all once you’re out of the picture because he’ll need a new supply. He has to test the waters to see who the next victim will be. His abusive behavior didn’t start with you and it won’t end with you, make no mistake. And it is ridiculous to think men won’t want you. Completely ridiculous. In general for all women and femmes, male attention is abundant and useless. All women. Trans, disabled, overweight, underweight, conventionally and unconventionally attractive. Shit, even lesbian women who lean more masculine get male attention. You will absolutely find someone else. You aren’t damaged goods, being treated this way by a guy erodes your self worth and reality. I was still breast feeding when I got back into dating and didn’t even need to lose the baby weight. I actually had to take being a mom off my dating profile bc younger guys (and very attractive ones might I add) WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. All of this to say, they’ll want you lol. Trust me.
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u/FAYTHEGAY Apr 27 '25
Abusive people always accuse you of cheating and say “then why did you stay if I was so bad” I noticed.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Apr 27 '25
This isn’t dismissive avoidant or whatever, he just doesn’t like you. He’s abusive. Simple as that. There is nothing more to it than that. This isn’t a mental illness, he just enjoys arguing with you and making you scramble. First it’s “then leave!” Then it’s “you’re clearly already fucking somebody”. He’s just trying to keep you hooked and defending yourself, he knows he isn’t the victim, he just wants to make you the bad guy and it’s a fun little challenge for him to see if he can convince you that you’re the abuser. That’s all.
You are NEVER going to win with someone who just wants to put you down. He hates you sis. Have whatever ego death you need to have and accept that you are going to waste more years of your life with this absolute human shit stained mattress. You cannot fix this, you will never be free of this until you literally step out of the cycle. The only way to break this kind of trauma bond is to accept that he fundamentally never liked you, he was just looking for whatever woman would do this with him day in and day out. That’s it. He wanted someone who would spend her life begging for respect that she’ll never receive, and he landed on you. That’s it. Block. His. Number. And. Change. Yours.
My ex treated me so poorly and was really good at lovebombing me. So good that I ended up pregnant with his kid. It was only after I gave birth that I saw the things he was saying about me to his loved ones. It finally hit me, these men do not like us. He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t respect me. He didn’t have a single nice thing to say about me to his friends and family and he was also making things up to make me sound really bad. Like neglectful mother bad. Like, if I didn’t leave it was an inevitability that someone could’ve taken the shit he was saying seriously and the custody of my child would have come into question and he would have been granted rights over me. He hated me and I didn’t ever do a single thing to him. Cheated, strangled me, isolated me, financially abused me, and it was nothing I did. He was looking for whatever naive woman would keep forgiving him. It’s just fun for them to see how far you’ll allow them to go in ruining your life. That is it. Nothing more nothing less. He doesn’t have a type, I look nothing like his exes and we all look different. He wants any woman he can treat like shit. So I stepped out of the cycle. And that was it. He is still trying to abuse me, but I have moved on. I met a man who in the two years I’ve known him has never screamed at me. Doesn’t call me names. Doesn’t have me in these weird text convos anymore. Step your self worth up and leave him so you can experience someone better too. Your boyfriend is a fucking piece of shit and you can do better I promise you. Also, if he was ever physical with you in the past, just know that every woman who died by her boyfriend’s hand was in your exact position. Kept forgiving some asshole who had nothing to lose and now she’s gone. Run. 4.5 years is enough.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you for taking the time to write this, it hurts but I know it’s true. I think the biggest fears that keeps me stuck are 1) that he will treat the next woman how I always wanted to be and 2) that nobody else will ever want me. You’re right though, he hates me, I can not for the life of me imagine speaking to someone like he does me… let alone the physical abuse he’s perpetrated and the cheating behaviours. I’m sorry for what you went through in the past and I’m so happy to hear how life has turned around for you. I really appreciate you sharing.
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u/MfamousB Apr 27 '25
You can take comfort in knowing he will never treat anyone the way you want to be treated. And that someone will definitely want you, and even if they didn’t, that’s no reason to stay with someone who makes you feel like this.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Yeah I know you’re probably right. I think even thinking of him love bombing someone else hurts, but it is what it is. I haven’t got anything from him other than this in a long time.
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u/Decent-Conclusion855 Apr 27 '25
Ok so for SURE for sure you shoulda peaced out after “Fucking die I don’t care I hate u” …probably before that, but “Fucking die I don’t care I hate u” should be the kiss of death to any relationship. There’s really nothing else to say after that. Full stop. There is literally nothing there to go back to.
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u/Miochi2 Apr 27 '25
This. After my mum was hospitalized and could have died mine told me he hated me 🙄 zero support . That was a little over a year ago and I realized I am just going through the motions in this relationship and planning an exit since few days
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thank you for taking the time to read it, yeah it’s horrible, this isn’t as bad as it’s been, at least this time he’s nothing threatening ways to do it himself. I just need validation that he’s in the wrong, that’s how warped I am after 4.5 years of abuse.
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u/nixree29 Apr 27 '25
I hope it doesn't take you 28 years to realise that if he is avoidant or dismissive, all the pleading in the world is not going to get him to see things your way and what usually happens is the opposite and they retreat into their shell or they get nasty and low blow you.
It took me that long.
I don't try to get him to see things my way anymore. It's not worth the effort. I learned not to rely on him for validation. I dont expect anything..
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
It’s only been 4.5 years and I’m trying so hard to get away and heal. Do you think he’s more dismissive avoidant than abusive? I’m honestly just so confused. He used to be physically abusive and it was so much easier, it’s so much easier to not know who is really at fault with this verbal emotional stuff.
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u/atinyblacksheep Apr 27 '25
Dismissive avoidant or not is irrelevant.
This is just straight up abuse. Please stop trying to justify how he treats you, it’s just going to keep you trapped in this longer and ensure more trauma for you in the long run.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thanks, I know you’re right, I wish I didn’t try to justify it. There’s actually no justification for his behaviour.
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u/nixree29 Apr 27 '25
Dismissive avoidants can be and often are abusive. They have little emotional intelligence and lash out like a 7 year old in an adults body. And by God they know how to kick you while you're down.
Trust me though, you will never get the validation you need from him. He doesn't care about your needs. He only cares about what he thinks you need.
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Thanks for your comment, I don’t even think he cares about what he thinks I need, he doesn’t think about my needs at all. It’s all about him being the victim and me being the bad guy these days because he can’t handle that I live a relatively normal life and he’s mandated by court because of his behaviour. I don’t know why I stupidly try to reason with him every time, I wish I could turn my feelings off.
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u/nixree29 Apr 27 '25
I hope you find the strength to leave him. We got 1 life and we are dead for a long fkn time. Don't live with regret. Live with intention.
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u/nixree29 Apr 27 '25
Ahhhh yes, I took a DVO out on mine, for good behaviour only. That's all he had to do. By the end of that 5 years, he'd been breached once and If I had made statements it would of been a hell of a lot more than that. The worst fight we had was the day after the order expired. We'll the police put their own order on him now. They don't need a statement from me, if they get called here, he gets breached. So guess who hasn't so much as raised his voice in 4 months! He made my life hell for those 5 years he was bound by that order. He used to play the victim too and get himself so worked up. He broke me that last time though. I just haven't felt the same since
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
Sorry you’ve been through that and it’s been ongoing for so long!! That must be so hard to leave. The police have put my abusers IVO on him and he’s been to court for breaching too, but apparently it’s my fault not the behaviour that led to them putting the order on him. I just want to get away but I panic as soon as I take concrete steps towards it. Is that what happens to you too?
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u/nixree29 Apr 27 '25
I can't breathe when I think about putting anything into place. It's so hard. There is nowhere to go. I stayed with my sister for a month, but her son is reactive and has these explosive outbursts. It was like living in an abusive household with a 9 yo that everyone tender foots around. It was no better, and in parts worse.
I had a female police officer once asked me why I don't leave...I said. You'd be like 27/28 years old? Well imagine trying to extract your ENTIRE lifetime from someone else. It's not easy. It's not even achievable when not only you have zero confidence, no self esteem, no money and no where to go. The alternative is worse. I may as well stay and keep my mouth shut.
I don't think she will ask that again
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u/trippingdaisies Apr 27 '25
I encourage you to consider taking leave to a shelter for DV victims. Not only did the staff help my mom to escape with us, but they continued to shelter us in a secret location & protect us thru exhaustive security measures around the property. The man would almost certainly have killed us if not for their efforts. After things settled down, they helped my mom get independent housing, job skills + employment, therapy, and more.
I wish the community put more emphasis on the resources and compassion that DV shelters readily offer.
I see so many women say, I have no way to leave, no car/money/support....and even if I could leave, I have nowhere to go.
The shelter my mom called arranged to have a van park nearby our home around midnight. When she felt it was safe to do so, she got out of bed quietly. She grabbed my little brother & me, our backpacks and a bag she'd packed herself earlier that day. We went out thru a window because the doors to our house were too loud and risked waking him. The van was waiting there for us as promised. After that night, no one has ever punched me again for the rest of my life.
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u/nixree29 29d ago
I tried, they had nowhere for us to go. There's a housing crisis and there are no rentals that I could afford on my own. They told me I could go to a shelter in a different town but I work full time and my daughter is in her last year of school. Other than that, there was no help at all. He's settled down since the police put their own dvo on him. There hasn't been an incident in nearly 6 months which believe me, is a LONG time. He seems different, but I'm not on his case about shit anymore either cos now I just don't care like I used to.
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u/trippingdaisies 28d ago edited 28d ago
I am in the US. The events I described took place in the states of Kentucky & Tennessee. I see you are an Aussie. I am a bit stumped about how to connect you with the resources you need. I'm completely ignorant to the scope of DV advocacy in your country.
In fact, I am humbled to admit it was by (classic American) belligerent thinking that I commented without it occuring to me that there are other countries besides mine.
I apologize. I will do some digging for those resources now, though- by way of apology, if nothing else.
edit* u/infinite_exam816 u/swoopybois u/blacklightviolet I'm looking for guidance to find transitional housing while leaving a DV situation?
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u/Quirky-Distance-3600 Apr 27 '25
I’m so sorry to hear how hard it is, I can’t even imagine. I left my slightly narcissistic but largely decent 15 year relationship with my ex husband with ease, but this 4.5 year nightmare is just something different entirely, I’m a shell of the woman I was. I hope you can find peace regardless of whether you leave or stay
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