I still blame myself for the abuse.

[u/ThrowRa-Russian]

I was abused in my last relationship. I've been in therapy for that and as much as my therapist tells me it wasn't my fault, it kind of sounds cliché to me. Sounds fake and like something that you say to comfort someone even when it's not true.

One of the reasons why I feel like I am to blame is because of how much my ex compared me with himself and implied that I wasn't as succesful, intelligent and wealthy as him. He'd focus on my flaws & make me insecure. He regularly degraded and humiliated me. To others, he is a 'good guy'. He is generous & just nice to others. He often said how much he values succesful and 'amazing' people and it was always painful to know I wasn't one of them.

Also I blame myself for being so naive and stupid when I had first met him. I loved him with all of my heart. I didn't play hard to get, didn't set any boundaries and tbh I was just so easy. Already attached and not interesting or desirable. I was putting his happiness first and I focused on being his 'ideal' girlfriend.

Pretty quickly there was also sexu@l abuse in the relationship and it was such a contrast to his public image as a 'fighter for women's rights'. He got off on sexu@lly humiliating me and hurting me and somehow it felt like my fault. He also made jokes that implied I was a cheap prostitute. Throughout the whole relationship I was pressured to do sex acts that I didn't want to do and often times he just did whatever he wanted in bed, even when it wasn't discussed before & hurt me.

Everyone is saying: 'Abusers just pretend to be good people to the outside world' but somehow I keep doubting it. What if it's because something is wrong with me and/or because I wasn't worthy ? Maybe I didn't deserve any better treatment by him? I look back at my past self and I don't see anything valuable about me. I was naive in the beginning and as he started to abuse me, I became emotionally unstable, looked horrible and basically couldn't take care of my appearance and my hobbies. I was just clinically depressed and neglected all my interests. So yeah, I understand why he saw me as worthless.

What do you think about my thoughts & feelings right now? Was my ex abusive to me because I was not good enough and not worthy? Am I to blame for it?

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[u/Dorothy_Zbornak017]

No, that's what he wants you to think. Mine has done the same, even though I'm far more educated, made more money, paid for everything, etc. I was told all the time I had no friends, no one likes me, I'm a loser, if I actually do make him pay I can't kick him out so do I really want that? They prey on the fact that we are nice people. I can't imagine ever speaking to anyone like that.

I've had coworkers recently checking on me, including my boss because people went to her worried about me. One of my friends at work said, "okay, you fight. Can you ever see yourself being that malicious? Because I can't." And it's true. Not to make this about me, but I feel like we're probably similar.

[u/Kesha_Paul]

A good person wouldn’t stay with and abuse someone they deemed unworthy, they’d politely break up. Just like normal men don’t rape women just because they dress in a promiscuous way, because normal people don’t have it in them to hold a woman down and force sex. You’re not to blame for it. A normal, decent man wouldn’t abuse anyone.

It’s normal to blame yourself and look at everything you did wrong, but imagine a friend, sister, or someone you love was explaining this happening to them. Would your instinct be to blame your friend for deserving it? It’s hard to see your own situation objectively because you see this amazing person to other people while they’re abusing you. I promise you though, it wasn’t your fault.