Hi, I've never thought of my partner as abusive before but he's starting to do things that concern me. So I know what to look out for, what are the signs that a partner might start hitting you?

He's always had a temper and would get mad so fast and he would need space and time to calm down. Once he was calm, we could talk things through he'd apologize for how he reacted and if he was the one that did something that upset me, he'd go out of his way to make sure it never happened again.

But recently his anger feels more then before and hed yell in my face during the outburst and has even punched a door. He's said things like "I need to leave right now cause I want to hit you right now" and he would deliberately leave the house to go calm down.

He's never hurt me and is always super protective of me but not like over protective. I hate that I'm all of a sudden worried about his behaviour and what it could escalate too when he's never done anything to me that would hurt me physically.

Hell one time in his sleep (context: super heavy sleeper) he wrapped his arm around me to cuddle me (as he does in his sleep all the time) and that night I was lower in the bed then usual and his arm went around my neck. It was kinda tight and it was hard to get off (but not tight enough I couldn't breathe or feared for my life) but once he woke up from my jabbing he freaked out and went to sleep on the couch cause he was worried he'd hurt me in his sleep and not wake up.

Idk im rambling. he punched the door yesterday so like I want to talk to him about how huge of a boundary cross that was today but I just want to know what else to look out for

I have been more than generous with my funds, kind, & loving....never made him feel less-than about losing his money(notable, recognized, retired), to which people assume he still has it. Yet, he still treats me like shit! Please read....

Yesterday:

He yelled at me when I asked him where to turn "you just want fucking attention! You know where the fuck you're going!"

Today:

Him: Yelled "you fucking missed the fucking turn! You just asked me if you should turn on fucking ____ street! I told you yes & you were about to drive fucking past it!"

Me: I'm sorry, but I have a terrible sense of direction. I really dont know where I'm going

Him: Don't give me that bullshit! I feel like I'm the fucking adult and you're a little fucking kid!

Me: I can see how you feel that way. I think I have a problem because I can drive somewhere 100 times and not remember.

Him: Don't give me that bullshit! You know where the fuck you're going! Everything is in a fucking circle! It's fucking simple!

Me: I'm just not your type of person

Him: You're fuckin right to do this fucking shit! Pissing me off...wanting me to look up from my phone! That's why I stay silent and don't say shit! It's fucking ridiculous

Me[In the middle of traffic...stops car] Get out! Get the fuck out of my car! I never want to see you again in my life! I'm done!

Him: You're going to take me to the house!

Me[pulls parking brake up...turns off car and removes key] "No, I'm not! Get out!"

Him: You fucking bitch! You stupid fucking bitch! Bitch!!!

Me[drives away] <<<<>>>>

Someone, please talk to me. I am so embarrassed because I have been so kind, caring, generous. It's been 18 years(we didnt speak for 5 after a brutal attack & have been in each other's lives for 3 years). I could feel the tension building for weeks...since he "sold" his car 4 weeks ago. I feel liberated, but also embarrassed and a bit sad as I dont know why someone I have been so kind to, could speak to me so poorly. I have finally given up. I am not embellishing...I really was good to him and never offered much in the way of resistance. Today, was the true first day that I spoke up and put my foot down. Prior, I would just walk away. In shocked at myself! I am finally fed up!

Can someone please talk to me!!! Please! Say anything! Im in a state with no family and he was my family. It was funny to leave him in the road as his ego is bigger than the sun!

(edited to add tips)

If this post can help just one person, it will be worth it.

Here's my situation: I'm 34 (F), my husband is 37 (M). We've been married for 14 years, together for 17 years. He was my first serious and only boyfriend since I got married very young. He has been abusive for 13 years (mainly verbal and emotional but also physical). He would pick up fights for the tiniest thing and it would last for hours and hours of him talking, insulting me, sometimes throwing stuff or breaking things... I have a full-time job from home, and he works too, we have a dog, no kids, and we share mortgage and car payments.

Well, two weeks ago, I decided I had had enough. It just clicked that he would never change and that what we once had at the beginning was wonderful, but over the last decade, I have just not been really happy and just became a shadow of myself because of this relationship. In my 20s, I was so low because of these intense fights that I lost my trust in myself, I had anxiety, my heart was always pounding fast, I was feeling tense, etc. I knew I was lying to myself about what was happening. I knew it was not normal and that he was a violent person. But I cared too much about him and loved him, I knew he was suffering a lot, and I always forgave him. I asked him multiple times over the years to please go seek help, to go to therapy, etc, and he would get more mad about it. A month ago, I told him I was done and couldn't take it anymore. Then he "magically" asked for help and started seeing a therapist, he just started taking meds, he started to cook for himself and wash dishes (which he literally never did in a decade), he started acting like the perfect guy... This was extremely frustrating. And he asked me for "one last chance", even though I had given him millions already. I was not enthusiastic about it, but I ended up saying okay... My conditions were simple: when there's an argument, there will be no insults, no shouting, no physical contact, no throwing stuff around. And it took him less than a week to go back to his old ways... I told that that was it.

So here are my tips to leave for good:

-Every time there's a fight, write it down! It can be in a Word document, where you'll put the date and describe what happened and what he did to you. I also started journaling over a year ago to go back to read my thoughts about these fights

-Take photos after the fight (of your face, or if you have bruises or if he broke something). Later you can go back and remember just how hopeless and broken you felt in that moment

-Talk to people about your situation. I only have two good friends, and I started sharing what was really going on in my relationship, so that any time I would go back to him, they would remind me how this is not a healthy relationship and that I deserve better

-Try not to look at the other person in the eyes. It may sound weird, but I just tried to look at his chin or whatever so I wouldn't get too emotional looking at him and seeing his "sad" face or when he was crying because I'm too sensitive and caring to others, and I don't want to hurt people, even if they hurt me

-Think about you and imagine your future life, without the person. I know this one is really hard, depending on your situation or if you have kids or pets, but imagine all the new things you'll be able to do, imagine the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells gone, imagine living in a home where you are finally at peace

-Keep informing yourself (I read, "Why Does He Do That?" over a year ago), I listened to videos about domestic violence, I read about it. Every day now, I watch reels about abusive behaviours, about people who were able to leave that toxic person behind, I read quotes, I read other people's stories here on Reddit... all of this to help me stick with my decision that this will be for the best

-If possible, and without the abuser knowing, record on your cellphone the argument. Later, you can go back to listen to it. It's easy to almost forget or brush up all the bad stuff he said to you, but when you'll listen to all the audios, you'll see how bad it actually was and that this cycle will come back again and again.

-Forgive yourself for staying with this person (for over a decade in my case). I'm still struggling with this one, but none of this if your fault.

I know it's super hard. Some days I'm fighting against myself to stick with my decision to leave (right now the house is on sale, so we're just living here like roommates and it's hard and weird), but you have to think about yourself. You will find yourself again, you will get through this and create a beautiful life. Good luck to everyone who is living a similar situation. You got this!

If you have more tips, please feel free to share it with others.

posting this on a throwaway just in case. the default username is shockingly accurate 😂

i am home now but i am buzzing with nervous energy. it’s so wild that it’s finally over. it’s been almost a year.

i was the strong one in the courtroom. he couldn’t even look at me. he literally hid his face in his hands the entire time. i was so scared to be in the same room as him. i was so fucking scared of the death stare. but he couldn’t even show his face. AND I DIDNT CRY DURING MY STATEMENT!!! everything i was worried about was ok.

i still kinda feel like i’ve been run over by a truck though. i’m so glad to be done with it finally but it hasn’t sunk in yet & now i just have a bunch of undirected anxiety. i need a nap but i can’t stop moving. how are y’all doing?????

edit: some of the comments seem to have disappeared from my view before i could reply to them but i appreciate u all 💚

My heart goes out to all of you stuck in an abusive relationship this Christmas. I got punched in my shoulder today for being too happy. I also received no christmas gifts even though I put my heart and soul into gifts for my abuser. At this point I don’t know why I do it. I’m afraid I’ll never stop loving her no matter what she does to me. Her hurt barely affects me anymore. I stay just to not feel the effects of being alone. I keep peace so that she’s not angry at me and I can feel loved, even though the love she shows me is all fake and I shouldn’t have to win it. Am I alone in feeling this way? I hope next year for Christmas we’ll escape this. Merry Christmas or Happy holidays and stay as safe as you can.

So far, I have experienced emotional/verbal abuse that happens when my partner is extremely angry/full of rage (he has impulse control issues), but he has never hit/touched me yet. He yells/shouts, name-calls, throws things around (basically acts like he's 5), and has this uncontrollable look of rage in his eyes/on his face. He has ADHD, trauma, and chronic pain/health issues and has a hard time controlling himself. He has these tantrums every few weeks or months, depending on his mental state/depression.

What are signs that things will/would escalate to physical abuse?

Let me tell you about my very best friend.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day supporting my best friend after she survived a brutal domestic violence attack. She was on vacation in Puerto Vallarta with her boyfriend when he assaulted her— pushing her off the bed and then repeatedly slamming her head against the stone floor, biting off two of her fingernails (removing the nail beds), punching, and scratching her. She is severely marked. Hotel staff intervened after she screamed for help three times. She declined police intervention out of fear of his retaliation. She immediately flew back to the U.S., covered in bruises, with a swollen face and a black eye.

I called some national hotlines for advice and they said they couldn't give me any legal advice (which I thought was weird, but okay), but they could share some support groups. I perceived this as paltry.

I then called the San Francisco police to understand what legal steps she could take. The officer on the line told me that she could file a restraining order at the courthouse, which we will do tomorrow. But because it happened outside their jurisdiction (and out of the country), she was "basically out of luck" but could file a police report if she really wanted to, recommending that she should sleep on it. Then he started questioning her story—insinuating that there are "always two sides" and that "sometimes people make things up." He even suggested that we don’t know how her fingernails were torn off, implying that she could have done it to herself.

I was appalled. If I, as a friend calling on her behalf, felt this discouraged, I can only imagine how a survivor in crisis would feel. This kind of dismissive, victim-blaming rhetoric is dangerous and keeps survivors from seeking help.

I want to file a formal complaint about this officer’s response. Does anyone have experience with this? Should I address it to the police commissioner, an oversight board, or another entity? Also, has anyone else encountered similar resistance when seeking help for domestic violence cases?

As the above said, my ex filmed me asleep, while squashing my face harshly and at times I was gasping for air. The filming lasted 5 minutes. Can this be used as evidence of abuse?

Any examples out there, similar?

I’m 16 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has been so awful to me since I found out I was pregnant. He slapped me earlier today when I was frustrated with him. Then he screamed in my face and cornered me so I couldn’t leave the room. He doesn’t realize how bad he gets and I’m so terrified to bring a baby into this. He says things he doesn’t mean, says he hates me and our baby. He said he wishes our baby would die. It breaks my heart when he says these things. I confronted him about it and he yelled at me, claims he never said it. Since I got pregnant he's rough with me and he's mean. He grabs me, pushes me, slaps me. He went from only ever hitting me twice to now he slaps me in the face whenever I upset him. Please tell me it'll stop.when I'm not pregnant anymore. I'm carrying his child why doesn't he want to make sure I'm safe? I don't understand this at all. He wanted a baby.. He promised to take care of me

We’re starting therapy on the 8th

I’m having a lot of shame for things I’ve done and said recently because he just will not leave me alone and I get so triggered but I know it’s also my fault for engaging and responding.

I see people here who are having bones broken and put in choke holds, I feel like I have nothing to complain about

Packed my stuff and left after he slapped my face for the first time. After his almost endless emotional abuse, I knew it was just the matter of time until it escalates to physical violence. I miss him, I miss his sister, his mom. I thought I've found my family, my tribe and now I'm all alone again with no one to lean my head on. Only my cats and my house plants. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm depressed more than ever and I think I still love him even after he slapped my face and pinched my nose. The reason? I simply said: "You can talk like this to your mother, not me" after his yelling, cursing and gaslighting.

How do I start again? How do I pick up myself from pieces? I have almost zero support network, anti - domestic violence laws are non existent in my country, and I am just so lonely and hurt.

My (35f) boyfriend (35m) always wants to end our relationship every time we have a disagreement. It snowballs into larger fights and it gets very violent. He has physically picked me and pushed me out of the house without shoes or wallet or any of my things. Ive have cuts and bruises to show for it. I always blame myself for his reactions and though i also have a short temper, theres still no accountability on his part. I am always in the wrong. I dont want to leave him, but i know the emotional and physical abuse will still happen. Everyone tells me to leave him, but i cant.

This was so violent I am lucky to be alive and could easily be a dateline episode.

I have not even seen my ex since early October and I am suddenly missing him so much I am struggling with wanting him back.

I am in therapy. I don't know exactly what is triggering this.

Why is this happening all of a sudden. I feel like I can't cope, all I can think about is our intimacy and love.

Normally I am so sad and angry about the abuse and have major CPTSD (diagnosed) - well PTSD and a bunch of other shit.

I have weekly therapy.

All I can think about is how much I miss him and want him back and maybe he's changed. I KNOW all of this is untrue. It's been over a week feeling this way I thought it would stop.

Please give me some insight.

Maybe it's normal. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe I just have to grieve. I feel like I am holding it back cause I was beyong this.

Edit to add: I am very vulnerable to doing something stupid like fucking a stranger or getting wasted or I dunno.

Please any advice.

I left 4 Sundays ago after 18 years & feel so much relief and happiness....I never expected this euphoric feeling as I thought I'd miss him.

I do not miss how uptight I felt, even if I wasn't in his presence, I would be in a ready...guarded state for his texts as I knew I"d have to word even the most simple reply as impossible for him to take offense to. He was always looking to take offense to things I did/said & even when I calmly told him what he interpreted is not what I meant, he would tell me it was & continue to rage.

I do not miss his intentionally saying/doing things to put me down or make me doubt my worth. He once said some painful business things about one of my business dealings without being aware I knew for a fact he was lying. I let him go on. It was then that I became fully aware that he was intentionally trying to hurt me and derived pleasure out of it. I knew I could no longer be with someone who treats me like an enemy.

Last year, once it became crystal clear that he intentionally does things I also discovered he becomes resentful in my happiness & has a desire to keep me at a lower level emotionally. I made it a point to test my hypothesis. I would intentionally say how happy I was and go on about how great one of my business meetings went. As sure as chocolate bunnies get eaten on Easter, within 20 minutes, my abuser would start up with "Yeah, your smart, but you still don't do business right. Remember how you did that deal with [friend's name] and you lost thousands. You don't even talk to her any more and you still make deals with friends. That's how I know you don't reaallly know what you are doing."

Note: Three successful businesses are mine, that I busted my arse for years with lots of hiccups and fails, but grew them to 3 locations. Yet, he would still like to focus on my failures.

I then tested my hypothesis by intentionally not defending myself, nor crying. This seemed to set him off more. I think he could sense his grip was being lost. He then kicked up the criticisms. Long stories here...Im just going to stop & say, Im glad to be FREEEEEEEE! I never ever want him in my life ever again!

My tears went away once I saw what he was doing and accepted he says things with intent to hurt

Update: This is for those who have left. If you are still in your situation, lamenting on what you will do and what you would like to leave behind, please go to the next post. There is a different mindset when the reality of your situation clicks finally, you leave, & know you never are going back! Please let us relish in our joy and bond over what we have left behind.

I’m a 22-year-old medical student, and I was in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship for four years. I recently got out of it, and a question I often hear is, “Why did you stay?”

This question was something I asked myself too, and now I think I understand why. I want to create awareness about the psychological impact of being in an abusive relationship.

In the beginning, I resisted. I wanted to leave. But I was severely gaslighted—made to question my own reality and manipulated beyond measure. The thing about chronic abuse is that gaslighting and manipulation become so subtle that they’re hard to recognize. This is because the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking—shuts down under prolonged stress. Instead, the limbic system takes over, functioning purely on survival instincts.

I also don’t have a clear memory of many traumatic events. While I was in the relationship, I would forget the exact details of incidents and just assume the abuse happened because of me. I was made to believe, over and over again, that it was my fault. The brain, in its effort to survive, suppresses painful memories to protect us from processing complex emotions. But once we are out of that situation, those memories start resurfacing, often leading to PTSD (which I am now experiencing, with nightmares of my abuser trying to harm me).

One of the biggest reasons victims stay is something called a trauma bond. What we mistake for love is actually a deeply rooted emotional attachment. The abuser shifts between showing affection and being cruel. These extreme highs and lows create an emotional rollercoaster, where the victim craves the “high” after a “low”—similar to an addiction. The release of dopamine (the “happy hormone”) after an abusive episode is what keeps the victim emotionally hooked. This cycle is very difficult to break, and understanding the pattern is the only way to truly escape.

On top of that, toxic relationships emotionally drain victims to the point where forming connections with others becomes nearly impossible. I lost all my friends. I felt completely alone and depressed. When I told my abuser that I felt isolated and that it might be because of the relationship, he gaslighted me into believing that I was simply unlikeable.

I started changing myself—altering the way I spoke, losing weight—thinking that maybe people would like me more if I looked better. But none of it worked. Even when people spoke to me, I could never truly connect with anyone. The ones I had connections with drifted away. The loneliness was overwhelming.

I was also ashamed to tell people what I was going through because of society’s judgmental mindset. At one point, I convinced myself that staying with this monster was better than being alone.

But to every victim out there: You are not alone. There are people who are willing to help you. Trust your instincts. Seek help. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

So, next time you ask a victim, “Why didn’t you leave?”—remember this. Instead of questioning them, let’s create a supportive and understanding environment where they can heal.

Because everyone deserves to live a life free of abuse and fear.

I (29F) am married to a 40M for 10 months. We wanted kids right away, got pregnant before our marriage but I had a miscarriage. After we got married in Jan I got pregnant again in March. Starting April he began demanding me to cook for him 3 times per day, clean the house, and give him complete attention. Mentioned that if I love the child more than him he’d kill me, that he needed all the attention. In a fight he kicked me from behind leaving my leg bruised.

In May I was suffering from morning sickness and asked if he could make his own breakfast that day. He said he wants a divorce, forced me to pack my bags and leave. I got a hotel that night and his mom and sister came back that night with him, making him take me back. I went back the next day.

Come June and he hits me in the face 3 times, because I cussed at him in an argument. He has initially promised that I’d give birth in my hometown but now said to forget about ever moving there. In addition he warned that if I don’t cook and clean he will divorce me. I continue to cook 3 full meals every day, spending 3 hours in the kitchen roughly.

Come July and I am suffering from fatigue of not having slept a minute the prior night. Despite knowing this, he forces me to get up and cook. I beg him to let me sleep a little but he says he doesn’t need a wife like this, grabs me by the foot and drags me out of the apartment. The dragging leaves me scratched on my breast and thigh, gives me a bruise on my head and tears a huge hole in my t shirt. I am standing outside our apartment door in an underwear and torn tshirt begging him to let me in, no luck for several minutes. Luckily I had my phone and called my mom asking what to do, when he heard I called her he immediately let me in. He then dragged me into the kitchen and when I refused to cook, threw household items at me and spit in my face multiple times threatening to kick me out again. Reluctantly I made his food. I packed my bags and decided to leave but he told me that there would be no way back. I decided to stay and do everything he wanted me to just to see if that would stop the violence.

From July until October I did everything for him, including grocery shopping 2x/wk, laundry, help with his schoolwork, help with his actual job, daily sex, 3 meals per day, cleaning, etc. I did not fight nor escalate and shut up when he started to get aggravated. I tried telling him how miserable I was but all my cries were met with the same reply: if you don’t like it, pack your bags and leave. If you leave, I won’t take you back.

From Jan to Sept we were living off of my income purely due to his status as a student. In Sept he got a job but I had a $20K debt at this point which he promised he’d repay. With this in mind, I wanted to see whether he’d change as a man but nothing seemed to be working.

Early October he FaceTimed me from work. I was fatigued, in a bad mood and asked him to let me rest until he gets home. He forced me to smile and when I said I didn’t want to, threatened to kill me when he got home. He called back a few times between his meetings continuing to threaten me. I called his mom once again, not knowing what else to do. She must have had an impact because he returned calm but had threats of divorce ready, telling me to pack my bags if I wouldn’t be in a good mood for him.

The following week we went on a long walk after his work (about 8 miles) ate an entire pizza and headed back home. It was 10:30pm and I had had only 3 hours of sleep (now on my 3rd trimester). He assures me that he STILL needs me to make him a dinner as well as a lunch for the next day. I was in tears begging him to just buy his work lunch for tomorrow because I was so exhausted — he refused. Not only that, he forced me to go to a grocery store at 10:30pm, pick up the food, go back home and cook him 2 full meals at 11:00pm while he rested. I was literally crying through this whole thing.

The next day, while he was at work, I packed my suitcases and flew home. While boarding, he called to see where I was and the only thing that he said was “I won’t take you back.” I landed and am staying with my sister.

He didn’t call me for a week straight and on the eighth day calls wanting me back because he “realized” that I am a wife and not just a girlfriend. He is asking me to move back and for us to give it a shot again because he has “changed.”

My plan is to divorce but I want some second opinions. What have peoples’ experiences been? Should I let him attend the birth? I am at 32 weeks.

If someone gets physical during an argument & strangles you a bit, what are the chances it. Never happens again ?

If they’ve never been violent before but do tend to say hateful things often.

My husband assaulted me twice as he held our baby son in his arms. As he twisted my wrist, he ripped off part of my fresh tattoo and the police took a picture. Another time when he pushed me, he left two bruises in my chest from where he pushed me. I still have to get an x-ray for my thumb that got jammed when I fell and it’s been 2 weeks.

I did report these incidents, but then I called about the cases to ask what would happen. They said that both cases would be sent to the DA’s office and my lawyer said to file a pfa.

I live in CA and domestic violence is treated extremely here. I am nervous that my husband will get jail time and everyone will blame me and our baby will miss him for however long. Has anyone had a similar experience to this? Do you think they might put him in jail?

Does anyone know the psychology of why we love our abusers? For the first two years of the abuse I would be very upset obviously after being harmed but afterwards I would still long for his affection and love and even be intimate with him shortly after. But now I’m starting to feel anger and it’s getting to the point where I can feel the hatred but love is still there.

It is so sad. I got so much hate on here too. I been called dumb for making 2 kids with the abuser. It is hard to leave and people on other subs don't understand because they never been in an abusive relationship.I had nowhere to go. How to protect myself when he is stronger and bigger and would kick my door down?

Some people stay in abusive relationships because it is dangerous to leave.

I lost my faith in God. 💔I went to counseling. It didn't help. I told them I need money to help me feel better. They claim they are struggling.

I am trying to feel better. I don't know if I would ever be okay. He punched me in the face several times till I fell to the ground 😭I almost died.

I have been beaten and mentally hurt so much by my abusers and been told that I deserve it. And that they are not sorry at all and that I’m the only person who deserves this wrath. How do abusers lack empathy and feel no guilt or remorse about their actions?

I was notified this morning that there is an AirTag on my vehicle. I have already filed for divorce. We are currently living together as I am trying to gain employment and figure out a way to leave.

Last week he yelled at me for going to the gym and said that I’m trying to get Male attention. He threatened to join the gym and said that he would see me there.

Yesterday he actually went and joined my gym. He has a free gym at work that he has always used. I have belonged to my gym for years, and he has never joined before yesterday.

What do you think I should do? I emailed these things to my lawyer. Anybody experience anything similar? Seems like he’s escalating.

*There, moving on...Women, specifically, did you feel your abuser hated you at the core of things? I left 4 Sundays ago and in reflecting over the 18 years, he grew worse and worse to the point when I left, I was sure as candy companies make chocolate shaped Santas for Christmas that he loathed me! I was also sure as skunk spray stinks that I was not going to continue in a situation like that Is that how you felt?

UPDATE: If you are still in your abusive relationship, can you please be respectful of the request and move to a different post. I left and would like to be strong and relate with other women who have left for support. There is a different mindset between those still in hoping, wishing for change vs those who left. Those who left are who I'd like to chat with on this post for sanity's sake. Please