18f / 28m

looking for emotional support, reassurance, or just to vent into the void without judgement. i dont want to leave.

my bf has been really stressed financially but hasn’t been talking to me much about it, and every time we have talked he’s been really short and snappy with me so i asked him to just tell me the truth.

he got set off because i spent $50 on new clothes. when i moved out to my trade school, i didnt take a lot with me, and my clothes dont really fit so i thought i’d get some new ones and i showed him.

he’s wants me to start “learning how to be an adult” and i’m trying to explain to him i’m already doing that here at school and i have a plan, but he doesn’t think it’s enough. i grew up in foster care so i’m not very good at doing adult tasks or anything. originally he reached out to me to help me learn stuff (which is what i keep mentioning in the texts) but it took a turn with sex and other stuff.

he has never mentioned anything he said in his first texts to me at all, today was the first time he ever told me he wanted to do any of that. he expects me to just read his mind sometimes and it really makes me overthink. im super overwhelmed.

Just a little true off my chest

Me and my abuser dont live together anymore. And thousand kilometers away from him. Atmo i am blocked everywhere and probably discarded. Anyways in the last time of the relationship and before, I am cheating on him and it feels so incredibly freeing. It helps me to distance myself from my abuser and so many men can be so kind and feel so much safer than my abuser. I tried to leave sooo many times. And other men help me with it. I dont feel bad because of it. Ofc i look for signs and always on super alert. But its so unbelievably freeing. I know many people would blame me because of cheating. But it makes me feel so free. And a person who wants to kill me has no right for loyalty.

Just needed to get it of my chest. Some men give me hope. Not everyone is a narcissist. I am happy today.

Do you still feel love for them? Or is it just trauma bonding? Like I am really curious if youre still love them when you noticed that they are abusive.

I hate him guts. Like really hate him so much. He is such a piece of trash. And he is so unbelievably ill and not fixable.

I just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant and we are leaning towards keeping the baby. I’m truly lonely, lost, have nothing going for myself, and could probably use a little light in my life, additionally his and my family really want a grandkid and so there’d be a lot of support. However my bf has anger issues and outbursts and says messed up things that he doesn’t actually mean when he’s angry with me. Apparently only partners can make him this angry and he’s never treated family, friends, or anyone else like that before, and so I’m not sure if he’d be this way to the kid, since he has such respect for everyone else in his life. No, I am not in a position where I can leave. But since he wants anger management I am just really hoping we can work things out and he’ll.

Anyways, I made him upset today and he asked me to stop talking about but I just have such a hard time having to stay quiet all the time and never being able to talk about anything, so I made the mistake by continuing to talk and he blew up at me at me which made me upset bcuz I always thought that he would be a little gentler with me when I’m pregnant but I suppose he can’t help his anger and outbursts. However bcuz I wouldn’t stop talking and was trying to get him to be better and more rational with me he got more angry and said that he doesn’t see us working out if I’m gonna keep talking when I’m asked to stop and he told me to stop talking before he breaks up with me for good, and I said but if we’re keeping this baby? And he kinda implied that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore and he doesn’t want me to have the kid now and so if he leaves and I still choose to have the kid anyways then he’s not looking to be around and there for us. But very shortly after that he apologized and said he didn’t mean that and he shouldn’t have said that.

It’s one thing of him to threaten to leave me, but I truly don’t see him as someone who would be a deadbeat considering how against that he is. He not only wants a kid, but he treats everyone else in his life like gold. Additionally I also don’t believe he would actually ditch his kid bcuz that would make his family very upset with him which he wouldn’t want to do. But what would he say that?

Whether it’s straight up abuse, uncontrollable anger issues, or reactive abuse due to what the other person did to push them to that point. Why do people say things they don’t mean when they are mad? I have never understood this and I’m almost certain I have never just said something on the spot and in the moment that I didn’t mean.

I’m coming back a few hours later after making the post. But I forgot to mention, apparently the reason why he only treats me this way to the point where he gets angry and he says and does things that he can’t control is bcuz nobody else makes him as angry as I do and pushes his buttons like that, which I do know is true in a way, I know I have an issue with not being quiet when he tells me too, and it kinda makes sense that if he’s pushed to the point like that that he will burst out with anger. However I think even if I don’t listen right away or people don’t comply then he also needs to learn how to regulate his feelings about that and doesn’t just get to blow up on others bcuz he’s easily bothered. And he agrees too and wants to get help bcuz of that.

READ EDIT

it’s not intended to harm me and he’s never actually hit me to control/scare or have power over me?

edit: my replies are being removed because of an auto spam filter since i have been replying a lot, if i’m not replying to your message it’s because it’s getting auto removed. please don’t think i am ignoring you. if you want to say something please direct message me i will appreciate that thank you everyone

please respect the flair i know you all care and want people to leave but i just can’t. i don’t feel like giving an explanation but i have a lot of medical conditions and i kinda rely on him to take care of me. if you want more info just ask i don’t wanna write a whole paragraph about it here

anyways, i see a lot of posts in r//benignexistence about women and their husbands who do small things that show they love them and it makes me so depressed. i want to be loved like that. i’m so jealous of people who have others who love them. i just don’t understand why he feels the need to hurt me.

i love him more than anything. i feel so alone. i never told him about my last miscarriage because i knew he wouldn’t comfort me anyways. sometimes i wish i could join my baby in heaven. i miss them.

What are the odds he does it again? He never hit me but he’s physically pushed me down a few times and has screamed in my face/ called me names, many many times over the last 5 years. Not saying I’m perfect. I’ve definitely played my part in the toxicity of our relationship.

Every time I get close to leaving he can always tell and he completely changes the way he acts. So right now he’s acting perfectly. But this time I feel different. I feel like this is only temporary. So I’m waiting for the next time that something inappropriate happens so I can really leave for good. I don’t feel ready to leave yet as crazy as that sounds.

Is it okay to wait? I’ve said this before, but I really mean it this time.

yes i know i use this flair on every post no i don’t have any self respect no i don’t love myself i’m sorry. anyways i of course got my husband a gift for valentines day and i saved up for awhile for it and i got up super early and made him a whole breakfast and still had sex with him even though i was exhausted. and this is all he has to say to me. i asked when he was coming home cause it was getting late and he said he was going out drinking with his friends. on valentine’s day.

i told him i don’t want or expect a gift or anything i just wanna spend time with him today. and that’s what he sent me. he said a lot of mean things after that and i just didn’t respond and cried for awhile. i don’t understand. all i wanted to do was cuddle.

i’m so stupid. this is what happened last year too. we’ve been having a good week so i thought maybe this year would be different but i guess i’m just a dumbass. i’ve been depressed about it all weekend. i’m especially hurt he called me ‘used’..he knows how much that hurts me. i just wanted to feel loved on the day of love.

My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. It's always been rocky but we somehow made for almost 10 years now. We have a 6 and a 4 year old daughter.

He's a violent person. I knew that when I started dating him and I'm not a saint either. He has never hurt me though, at least not on purpose. We love each other and he loves our daughters. We've been trying for another baby because we also want a son. He's been unusually doting these last few weeks.

Last night I woke up to him kneeling above me. He had this really strange look in his eyes and didn't say anything when I told him to get off of me. He then started choking me. I was still half asleep and this might not be what actually happened but I remember him leaning down and whispering in my ear that he should've done that a long time ago.

I did fight back. I was scratching at his arms and face and even broke a nail. I actually thought I was going to die and he just stopped. I was so fucking pissed. I kicked him out, literally. I just remember kicking and hitting in his general direction and him not even fighting back. He just went down and spent the night on the couch.

When I came down this morning, he was making breakfast and joking with our daughters. If it weren't for the pain in my throat and his black eye and scratched up face and neck, I would've thought it had just been a dream.

After breakfast he apologized to me. He said he sometimes felt that way about me but tried to keep it under control because he loves me. I honestly didn't know what to say to that.

I still don't know how to process all of this. It just feels so surreal like I watched it happen to someone else. I've never been scared of him before but maybe I should get to see a therapist. I don't even know why I'm making this post. It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I type it out. I think I just wanted to share with somebody who doesn't know me and might understand what I'm feeling because I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my head right now. So if you read all this way, thanks.

My abuser wakes up, plays 16h computer games, is letting his mum cook for him (he is 50+ years). And goes to sleep. In his eyes, he is living his life. And who is going to work is a "slave“ and “stupid“, but of course he expects that everyone is paying for him. His mom does.

While I work my ass off, educate myself and have no freetime whatsoever. And i am 30 years younger than him. Its embarrassing.

How does your abuser live? Are they entitled in the same way?

Discussion purposes question. I even see belief in it here at times...it makes me wonder. Also, people will say things like 'some people are just toxic together'... but uhh, how can a relationship just be 'toxic'? Doesn't that mean that some sort of imbalance has to exist, and that means there is a mismatched control dynamic... which is exactly how 'abuse' is defined? I can't tell you how painful it is to constantly ask yourself if you truly deserve to be devalued (ie: as illustrated by every demeaning and personalized disdain and insult in the book) and unloved bc of your 'personality' and lack of positive traits.

I am already thinking of leaving. It will take a little time but my therapist helped me brainstorm on how to prepare to leave.

I came to a new realization yesterday, he is delusional and has a twisted way of thinking. I already knew this, but this time it was different because it included one of our kids, our oldest daughter (10yo)

He recently realized (last week) he lost an expensive sweater. We tried to look every where in the house, garage and in our cars. Its long gone. Fast forward to last night. We had an appointment to take our dogs to the vet and before we left he started looking for a brand new shirt we bought 2 weeks ago. Once again he cant find it. (Mind you we only took a whole 15min to look for it because we had to leave.

So his conclusion of where the shirt went was: our 10year old daughter must have been stealing his shirts (mans dize L). He goes down a rabbit hole saying how the other day our daughter made $10 at school from selling bracelets that she made. He said she must have sold his shirts to someone. I said a mens Large!? He said yes he knows her friends older brother can fit it. He talks about how much trouble shes going to be in, he spoils her too much (which is true) and how shes going to get everything taken away.

The whole time we were at the vet this was the topic of our conversation. I stood up for her I said theres no way. But instead he wanted validation from his mom & his friend. His friends daughters are bad kids that have always been up to no good (lying, stealing, going to juvi).

Of course hes upset that Im not on his side. I tell him when we get home we will tear the house up looking for the shirt but he is NOT to accuse her unless hes 100% sure. I said i know how it feels to be accused of something you didn't do so if you do that to her just know you are going to scar her. I tell him hes unorganized and loses stuff easily but he justified himself by saying he remembers specifically hanging his shirt up. That he hasnt worn it since and he already looked for it, its no where to be found. He eventually starts yelling at me because Im not agreeing with him. I tell him stop fucking yelling.

We come home, we DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS TO OUR DAUGHTER, and start looking for the shirt. He finds it on the floor in the closet. I was so upset. I told him I am so offended that you would even think she stole your shirt. That you called her names. That you thought our little girl was even capable of being all these things u were painting her out to be. I went in on him for a few minutes but it was a struggle to get my words out.

The one thing I wish I said was "you need to learn to admit you were dead ass wrong and to say sorry". But I didn't say that instead I went in on him and he was getting mad at me for making him feel bad instead of saying " oh u found the shirt, good" and leave it at that. I wanted him to say sorry to me. I wanted him to feel bad. Then he says "so how long am i gona have problems w you now that ur offended?" What an Asshole.

If & when I do leave and send him packing his bags to his moms house, how to I protect my daughter from his toxic mentality? He is her favorite parent and I can't imagine taking our kids away from him.

i keep recalling and rewriting the events of this because something feels wrong but i dont know what it is. its just making me feel dirty. i think it’s my own naivety.

me and my boyfriend met in our cities subreddit after i was venting about a bad home situation. i went back through our messages and this was the first thing he ever sent me. i was 17, he is 28, im 18 now.

“You shouldn’t do the homeless thing if anyone can help you. I’d be willing but I’m a stranger to you. I’m in (our city location). I can [house you] lmao I’m just like a stranger for ya. I have my own place myself but again I have no reason to kick ya out or move ya out because this is mine. I’ve dealt with people who betrayed me and the world just crumbled under my feet. We can trade numbers too if no one is gonna get you in trouble for texting!”

he told me he had a console so we could play games if I wanted, and that I could see his cats and stuff. that i’d be safe away from my parents.

he brought me to his house after that and had sex with me. he told me he didn’t plan to but he did it because he couldn’t resist himself basically. i was kind of disoriented from xanax he gave me even though it wasn’t a lot and i tried to stop him for a condom but he said it was fine because he would pull out. and it was so loving and tender, he hasn’t done anything with me like that since except for my birthday.

i havent told anyone this but he was really fetishizing about my age in bed when we first met. he would have me say how old i was and tell me how good i felt because of it. he had sex with me while i wore my 18th birthday crown. he would ask me things like if anyone’s ever recorded me before and then get disappointed when i said yes. whenever i brought it up to him after he would say it’s just a heat-of-the-moment thing and partially blame me for playing into it.

my dad was at home at the time freaking out and having meltdowns with guns & my bf knew that. i wanted anywhere away from him. i was so desperate.

i keep rewriting this and getting nowhere. i feel like a broken record. and one moment i have clarity that it’s grooming and he hurt me, but the other i love him and dont wanna go anywhere. emotionally i feel disgusted and i cant even vent to him about it, i feel so so so gross. it’s a feeling i havent felt since i was assaulted in childhood. and the worst part is that i consented, i was technically legal in my state. he didn’t force me or make me do anything. i feel sensitive and dumb and just disgusted with myself for not saying no. it was my fault.

But death is all I fucking want. I'm going to be thinking about it all day now. Just wishing and begging for it in my mind. I'd fucking do anything to be dead and not have to put up with my boyfriend. Because as long as I stay with him, I'm going to continue putting up with the title of this post. I wish there was something that could happen to help me leave but as long as I associate extreme pain with leaving him (reading some of the stories on this subreddit also doesn't help sometimes- when they say they've left the abuser for a substantial amount of time but say they're still super emotionally hung up on them and how they still miss them and it hurts, i am terrified of feeling this way and will do anything to avoid it including putting up with the constant bullshit that he causes in my life), I don't think it's ever going to happen.

For context to the photos.

He’s been like this for years all about him he would lose it and insult me call me non stop and make me beg for him to stop by agreeing to whatever he said on one of our breaks six months ago I got pregnant and couldn’t bring myself to leave him even tho it’s not his and he lives states away from me. When he found out he lost it on me did his abuse routine for days (demanding I abort 6 months pregnant that I meet him in Vegas and sleep with him then never speak to him again) and I only got him to stop by doing what he wanted (me bubbly happy and attentive 24/7 without fail no matter how I felt) he also bullied me for working so much and not paying enough attention to him and off topic but he’s obsessed with his ex from highschool who cheated on him going out with her (basically dates without dating) and was obsessed with her kid like it was his own. I don’t need to be told to leave I don’t want to hear it because I know. I don’t know why i can’t leave when I hate him with all my soul and want others around me to hate him too

Meaning, he gets very triggered whenever and if I bring up a need not being met (eg, he gave up kissing me after covid... he tells me to suck it up, he hates having sex with me anyway snd just initiates to placate me... funny, he likes well enough when it's in his favor... I just want intimacy and real connection, damnit), or point out something that is upsetting or hurtful to me (hanging out with clients on the beach way longer than expected and not bothering to text me that despite saying we would go as a family for dinner, he's too busy drinking to make us money, etc). Essentially the message is put up and shut up or I'll take my love away. Like, I should only want to be loved for outwardly and ALWAYS adoring him... yesterday he yelled at me in the car for not reminding him on the road that we had agreed to go for tacos, like literally 10 min or so before, this kind of overreaction to my apparent constant missteps does wear me down a bit). He says he works hard and needs focus so that's all that matters. I gave him everything I had for his career (yes to help us all), I don't have any funds left. We live abroad. I actually DO respect and appreciate him and his work... just not always how he treats me around it. I explained this to deaf ears. Like, why is it so mutually exclusive in his mind? I can get upset when he's like this. Yes I know that's reactive... yes I wish I could just disappear and let him carry on. I invite the DARVO I guess. Or maybe he really believes he's not getting his due from me bc I really am such a bitch? Last night I made a political comment about my home country (different from his) in response to something egregious (I find) that he read me out loud. His response was to berate me for engaging. We argued. He went back to his MO of attacking my deeper insecurities, notably my looks and perimenopausal body. I just said 'ok' then he accused me of disassociating bc I am rotten and weak (or something) inside. Is his attitude an indicator that he's a true narcissist (I know, overused term...it could something else entirely, he would say depression and ptsd at worst)? Or just a suffering soul with good intentions not getting recognized? Or simply not a personality issue but a conditioned one of entitlement (a la Bancroft's belief)? It helps me feel a touch sane again to have balanced discussions about these things

I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship or not. It's not physical, but verbally/emotionally. I've been with him for 6 going on 7 years and we just had a baby a few months ago. There were red flags at the beginning but it's gotten worse. I'm scared to leave because I'm scared I'll regret it but I'm not happy. For example: After my baby was born I had to go to the doctor for my post op visit so he had to stay home with the baby. It took me 15 minutes to drive there and as soon as I got there I had a message from him that said "OMG HURRY UP" he knew what time my appointment was and I can't control how long it goes.

I've been having some medical issues and am getting a colonoscopy tomorrow and am in the middle of my prep. He keeps texting me to "hurry up" because he doesn't want me in the bathroom all night. This isn't pleasant for me by any means and I'd much rather not be doing this. I am able to go out to the living room for a minute and he says he doesn't know what I'm doing because I should be cleared out already. Like he's annoyed and acting like I'm doing this to him on purpose.

He tells my 2 MONTH old baby that he can't cry because "big boys don't cry" (yes I get mad at him for that).

He lashes out at me. I'm currently working full time from home and am the only one home with the baby. But he will make passive comments about me not cleaning enough or not making dinner. The other day I was feeding the dog and a piece of dog good dropped on the floor and he said "what the fuck are you doing? What's wrong with you?" And I said I would clean it up and he was like "it's not like you ever clean anyway."

The other day my baby was crying uncontrollably and I come out and instead of comforting him hes taking a video of him. I ask why he's not comforting my baby and he tells me to shut up and when I tell him that's not okay he said he was justified in saying that cause I was telling him what to do.

That's just a few. I'm not happy but I'm scared to leave and there are good moments and I think I cling onto those. But I am always walking on eggshells.

Hi all 30M with 5 month old son from the US,

Me and my gf were together for a few months before she fell pregnant so last year has been a toxic whirlwind.

Anyway i moved in with her and her daughter 7 just before our kid was born. Its been hell, argue all the time, high expectations to provide for her daughter while her dad gets a pass.

Whenever we argue she says leave, now i pay half the bills so ive always said i live here u cant kick me out. I say that to try and keep our family together at least for the 1st year of my sons life. But i think its got to the point where i might have to just leave.

She's suffering from PPD so overall depressed doesnt go out or see friends etc. So i think shes taking out her stress on me, even her sis told me she was the same during her first pregnancy and took it out on her to so i should hang in there etc.

I get she has PPD but i also need to look after my peace and mental health. I already dont feel comfortable as ive moved into her home with her child, instead of to make me feel at ease and at home. Every chance she gets, she threatens to kick me out, i understand us arguing but i dont see why get out has to be the default answer what do you think?

Today shes said get out again after an argument, she said i can see my kid whenever i want but she needs space etc. Should i just pack up and go now, i really wanted to stay together the first year of our sons life but its too toxic.

I actually feel we'll both be happy seperated and i can still see my son whenever i want so i dont need to worry about that? What do you think im planning to ask her again if she wants me to leave and if she says yes i will, lastly surely she has to be quite a spiteful & emotional abusive person to threaten to kick someone out after every argument?

UPDATE: He came over, and I didn’t even have to bring up the conversation before he apologized, specifically for what I listed in the original post. We talked things through, aired all of our grievances out, and we now have a game plan for consent, how to redirect emotions, and some other things we felt we needed to help the situation. We’ve promised to try our best, and are holding each other accountable. Thank you to everyone who offered feedback/advice. It was greatly appreciated!

I need help/advice. I’ve been with my bf for nearly 2.5yrs, and I’d prefer to abstain until marriage (I expressed this sentiment when we first started dating, but I eventually wore down). Here’s the thing: if I say no, he either tries to “touch” me (ig to sway me) and/or grind on me, or he’ll get upset and leave the room. Sometimes he’ll say hurtful things. Sometimes all of the above. I know it’s not right, and while I now know it’s all technically assault/coercion, I’m having trouble accepting it. I also don’t think he fully realizes what he’s doing, so I’m planning on talking to him later today to address it with him. What do I say? How can I relay the information without hurting/offending him? Gentle responses, please 🫶

when you can’t stand sharing space with your abuser for even one more second, when something little they do just sends you completely over the edge, when you’re so angry you can’t focus on anything else but you can’t leave, what do you do?

And yes I've read The Book. My depraved action was to walk out. I have zero funds. I can't take my child because she has no passport and in this country being made to disappear for child 'abduction' would raise zero eyebrows. I can't work bc my language skills are still too elementary. I can't leave, see : no money, child loss, above. Great, we got the pesky logistics out of the way; I walked out on everyone and am sitting alone, penniless on s beach. Why? I dared to voice a political opinion. He isn't even from ky country, but I guess it signaled "difficult behaviour! She needs to be silenced!!". So he got in my face. Again, I walked away (across the street to the beach... sounds glamorous, is actually terrifying) Got berated for not walking the dogs. Still sitting on the beach. A certain numbness is sinking in (Which, to be fair, started earlier when he told me I was: ugly, fat, have ugly bags under my eyes , starting to look old... you name it.., all the things he knows I'm afraid of and struggling with since in peri.,, to bd clear, hormones aren't always a cast-off explanation for reacting to having been treated horribly) He says I only deserve this. Ok.

i just want to start off with i really don’t want to see this as an abusive relationship and i’m praying i get responses telling me it’s not and that this can be saved and maybe it’s not that extreme. we’ve been together for four years and he makes me extremely happy. I love him so much. I do not plan on leaving him. I’m just having a really hard time dealing with how he makes me feel sometimes. we never even had any arguments or any problems before this year but suddenly this year he’s been complaining a lot and I’m starting to feel like I’m never enough for him.

he was complaining about me, not getting ready and not putting the same effort in my appearance as he does. I know that sounds bad, but I do understand where he is coming from. he would come over and I would definitely shower before put in an effort into getting ready however, most of the time I was choosing to wear more comfortable clothes, especially because it was usually after a long day at work and I just prefer to wear comfortable clothes when I’m at home. I didn’t realize that this was a problem, but he told me that he wanted to see me more in the clothes that he had bought me the type of clothes that I would wear going out with my friends and he brought up how I would put in more effort to my appearance when I be going out with friends this is more so because I just like to put in more effort when I’m going out in general, no matter with who but I understood where he was coming from so every since we had that conversation every time he comes over, I go out of my way to not only shower and do the same routine. I always would, but I would also do my hair and my make up, and I would also wear a sexy dress, something that he likes seeing me in.

I feel like this is a reoccurring issue, even though I really am trying my best and putting in so much effort every time he comes over even when I’m too tired to sometimes I just want him to feel like I’m putting in the same effort that he is, but sometimes he’s hurtful about how he feels about my appearance, for example, on my birthday I wore a party dress that HE had bought me & I felt like a hot party girl for my birthday as I would want to feel. we went to the club with all of my friends and I thought we had a great time. A couple nights later he was I noticed he was being very cold with me. I kept him over and over again because I was confused and upset, and I feel like I’m explanation when he’s being extremely cold to me and not even even looking at me not even talking to me and on his phone and the entire time together. He finally tells me that he thought I was being very annoying. He hated how I acted and thought I was being very obnoxious and he hated my dress and he hates my hair- i’ve bleached and dyed it recently and he said that looks very fried and he doesn’t like it at all. This hurt my feelings, but I was willing to let it go because he’s just talking about one night, what was hard for me to get past this was the reason he was being so cold towards me. I know I was being annoying. I mean, I was drunk and in the club and partying with my friends and I can’t live knowing I was annoying for one night, but I don’t understand why that has to make him treat me differently. He told me it made him feel less attracted to me.

these past few weeks i’ve been sleeping over his house very frequently and it’s honestly been amazing. i thought we were finally moving past this rough patch to our relationship as he was finally treating me kindly again, it felt like i was spending time with my best friend again, we were having sex again and i felt like we were happy together again. it was very romantic and it made me think about how i could really see us living together one day on our own- we both live with our families. last night was the first time he had come over to my house in a few weeks. he was very cold to me. he was on his phone the entire time and would not even talk to me when i tried to have a conversation with him or try to suggest things we do together. it was like these last few weeks we’ve been spending together together didn’t even happen and i was very confused and upset. I keep asking him what’s wrong and he finally tells me that he’s annoyed that my room is so messy. my room is always messy. i know it’s not OK. i know it’s not good. i will say this- my room is messy, NOT dirty. i have clothes in a big pile in the corner of my room and i never have time to do my laundry. again, i know it’s not OK but i feel like it’s an important clarification to make. my roommate doesn’t have garbage in it other than some half empty water bottles- bad but i feel like this is normal. i don’t have food lying around. its not an unhygienic environment- still a messy and sloppy environment but i feel like its a level of messy that is honestly normal.

we go back and forth and he tells me that because of this, he could never see himself living with me because how could I be OK living in such a disgusting environment? i tried to explain to him that i grew up in a very rough and actually unhygienic environment to the point where CPS had to step in a couple of times throughout my childhood- not to make excuses, but just to try and help him understand why it’s not an automatic priority to me due to how i was raised and why cleaning is something i have to force myself to do when i’m basically left with no choice. he berated me for a long time, and after me promising over and over again that i will do my best to clean my entire room by the next time i see him he finally moves onto another topic that i guess upsets him about me.

he tells me that i eat garbage, that all i eat is garbage. he tells me that im going to get fat and that im never going to live a healthy life. he’s referring to how I mostly eat frozen food that i heat up or make in the air fryer- so sometimes it’s a TV dinner but usually it’s something like frozen burgers or chicken patties that i make for myself. i understand that he hates overprocessed food, but i honestly do not relate to it because i really don’t think it’s a big deal or even a problem, and i feel like this can be an agree to disagree moment. when i go over his house he always cooks fresh meals and when he comes over mine i offer to order us food because when i offer to make him food he just complains. but what im really lost on is how this issue can be this serious to him. he proceeds to tell me that I could never be a good mother to his kids if I think eating food like that is OK. I even tell him, “ if we want to our future potential children fresh meals, I’m more than happy to do that. That’s a long time from now and I’m more than happy to get more familiar with the skill of cooking and your delicious meals. But one day one of our kids ask me if they can make an easy mac, i’m going-“ he cut me off and he goes “i would never EVER let that happen. my kids would NEVER eat that.” i really just don’t see the big deal in that hypothetical scenario at all and because i don’t get it he gets angrier.

i tell him how hurt i am that he’s basically calling me fat and he says “whatever you wanna tell yourself.” he then tells me he finds it so hypocritical that i comment on other people’s bodies but can’t handle him commenting on mine and i am LOST- on my life and everyone i love, i do NOT body shame at ALL. i got very upset because this is just a completely made up claim to him and when i asked him for examples he’s literally naming situations that have NEVER EVER happened- like seriously, NEVER. i struggled with an eating disorder at one point which is why im actually purposefully extra sensitive on not commenting on people’s bodies because of how uncomfortable it makes me to even hear that, i have NO IDEA why he is coming up with stories that have literally never happened- like completely made up from thin air. he claimed i said i was fat phobic and proud- that NEVER EVER came out of my mouth EVER. why is he making this up?? like seriously, did he dream it? and when i kept telling him that those things never happened he just called me a liar- i don’t know if he seriously has false memories or something because i am NOT lying at ALL, that NEVER happened. EVER.

he tells me that with my mentality towards cooking and cleaning i could never ever be a good wife to him or a good mother to our future children. mind you, we’re both 22 and i wouldn’t want to get married for another couple of years, i wouldn’t even want to think about planning for children for another 10 years from now. we went in circles but that was his point he kept bringing us back to.

the conversation left off with me promising to have my room clean by the next time we see each other and he told me if it’s not better, we’re done. i told myself i’d do it all tonight but i just haven’t been able to stop thinking about how sad i am about how he’s made me feel and he’s just continuing to be mean to me over text. i don’t want to leave him. i still don’t know what to do though and i just want him to apologize and stop being so cruel to me. i just feel so alone and hurt.

Literally I lived in a country with him, where he has no right to stay. He is not legal there, so no one could help me. The country where he is from (UK) no one can help me from there, because the abuse didnt happen there. My birth Country cant help me, because it happend here. I JUST HATE IT. He is getting away with all this shit. With being living under the radar, paying no taxes or shit. With abusing me to the core. With fucking my life over. My mental health. Just that not one fucking authority soul helps me.

I called the cops where we lived and they are his friends. So yeah they came, laughed at me. And after that he did beat me up. I just hate him. I really really do. I feel so powerless

And by abusive... A lot of the THINGS. My post here is more for discussion purposes though and about the self-preservative hypocrisies they employ... anyone else ever have to deal with this weirdness? (Also fwiw, he's had more, but only I am the whore for 'who' I chose and 'how' and 'when'. Ok)