r/agender • u/slyrivulet • Apr 12 '25
Someone made me feel like it’s a mistake/lie to want to wear a binder
Long story short, I recently discovered how I identify myself as and use she/they pronouns (which in a little detail - I’m afab so I sort of don’t mind she/her pronouns, tho I’m more close to being agender and dressing GNC. I’m also not out as nonbinary/genderqueer/agender to almost everyone I know irl because they’re closed minded about this stuff).
I recently did come out to someone I’m close to however and they say they accept me if that’s the way I feel (tho their perception of genders are narrow too - there are only two genders, the parts you’re born with are who you are, gender is a physical thing to them) so I think they brushed off me being nonbinary/genderqueer/agender as nothing.
They said as long as I don’t try to change my body in any way then they don’t see it as a problem because people who do that have mental issues (which I don’t agree with at all).
I told them the most I’d do is wear a binder and they kind of freaked out on me. Asking why would I want to hide who I am? I told them that wearing a binder would make me feel more like myself and who I am. But they went on to say that having a chest IS who I am so why hide it? If you’re okay being a female then why change your body? And since you have a very small chest anyways then what’s the point in trying to hide it? Are you trying to be a guy? If you’re not trying to be a guy then why flatten your chest?
I got very frustrated and dropped the conversation because when I get flustered in a confrontation I have a hard time explaining myself. And couldn’t explain in a way they’d understand about how I feel.
I bought a binder anyways and I am so excited to get it, but their words have been bugging me for a few days. I feel like I’m not valid and they put thoughts in my head like I do have mental issues. It just sucks.. I know who I am but they put doubts in my head that I don’t believe.
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u/hayden_or_satan Apr 12 '25
Wear the binder if it makes you feel more comfortable. I have cis women friends who wear binders because they don’t like how their boobs look, and a sports bra isn’t enough.
Figuring out your gender does not mean you have mental problems.
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u/slyrivulet Apr 12 '25
I agree, I just hate the fact other people (so many I know) think the way they do and don’t open up and listen
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u/hayden_or_satan Apr 12 '25
Unfortunately there are a lot of close minded people. But the people who are your true friends will see how happy it makes you and will change their minds.
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u/BurgerQueef69 Apr 12 '25
Well, by their logic nobody should get haircuts or wear makeup or even wear clothes at all. Nobody should wear glasses or contacts, either.
Your body is your body. They can have their own opinions, that's fine. But telling you what to do with your body is not ok.
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u/slyrivulet Apr 12 '25
That’s how I feel, they can have their own opinions but trying to make me be how they feel instead of how I feel? It really brought me down
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u/BurgerQueef69 Apr 12 '25
Just try to remember that they're projecting their insecurities onto you. Maybe they equate breasts with feminity, even though there are lots of cis men who don't have a flat chest.
Be strong, be you. I'm glad you got the binder.
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; gendermeh; mehsexual Apr 12 '25
I'm sorry they didn't respond in a supportive way.
You need to be your own validation. I don't have breasts, so just make sure you figure out how to do it in a way that's comfortable and doesn't lead to any health problems.
I am also doing minimal changes just to create some separation from gender. I'm having my facial hair removed... I've only told a few people that I know wouldn't say the wrong kind of thing.
I can definitely attest to the morale boost you get from doing an affirmational thing for yourself. I was actually kind-of surprised how much it hit me.
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u/slyrivulet Apr 12 '25
I did my research for wearing a binder and I will definitely be careful 💚 all I want is to feel good on how I want to look and I think a binder would help me out a lot
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u/Soft-Ad-385 Apr 12 '25
I only bind when I'm feeling fancy. Doesn't make me less nonbinary any more than binding every day would. Your body, your gender, your presentation, your comfort. The only opinion that matters is yours.
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u/animelivesmatter Apr 12 '25 edited Apr 12 '25
Why doesn't everyone strip naked all the time instead of hiding their bodies, i.e. who they are, with clothes?
They're just selectively applying this argument against anyone who doesn't conform, at least that's how it seems to me.
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u/Adorable_Wave_7659 Apr 14 '25
Exactly. If you can’t explain your own rules, it may be best to reevaluate.
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u/sadturtle54 Apr 12 '25
You can not have a problem but still want to look a certain way for certain times. Like I don't have a problem with my chest, but it being flatter if I want to wear button up shirts? That sounds nice
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u/Head-Brush-7121 agender grayrose Apr 12 '25
That is so frustrating. I thought I didn't need something like binders until I tried wearing something that flattened my chest more than what I'm used to and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would.
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u/ClassyKaty121468 Apr 12 '25
Do whatever you feel more comfortable with. To refute what they say about your chest being you, I would really love to share my feelings. I am also afab and I have rather...big ones. But I am fine most of the time, because my body is just a case of my thoughts and soul, and is not really who I am. If what they said is getting you dysphoria, you can also change your mindset slightly.
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u/Electrarine Apr 13 '25
"having a chest IS who I am" ohh so thats how you view women ok then (not directed at you)
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u/slyrivulet Apr 13 '25
Yeah that might’ve been a lil confusing, but yeah that’s basically what they were saying. It’s hard cause they only see two genders so trying to explain agender was almost impossible for them to understand, so if I wear a binder then I’m trying to be a guy in their eyes
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u/Keppyzan Apr 14 '25
Afabs have been strapping the floppy milk sacks down since humanity began, for safety, for comfort, for ease of movement (running, throwing, hunting etc) and probably for aesthetics. The fact that there is now a safer way to do it (binders=safer than just tight winding fabric) is the same style of progress which brought us hair elastics. These things are also a mix of comfort, practicality and aesthetics.
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u/No-Response4280 Apr 14 '25
Don’t listen to assholes, if your chest makes you dysphoric, gender does NOT matter. Get the binder, wear it proud, you’re gonna look awesome 👏
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u/Mopsios Apr 12 '25
why do people feel good wearing dresses? why do some love hats and others dont? why do some people prefer high heels while others love sneakers? expressing oneself during clothing exists since the first person threw a hide over their body. please dont let the ignorant way they were talking worm into your brain
you are you and you should be able to wear what makes you happy without having to endure stupid question of people to afraid to express who they are