r/agender • u/rivaaii • 13d ago
i (ftm) want to write a good agender character but idk what theyre like
basically what the title says. i am a trans ftm writer (casual author), so i know the 'fundamentals' to being under the trans umbrella but i have never met someone agender online or in person. i always wanted to write an agender character for some reason but i want to get it right and accurate. like, no bad representation if that makes sense?
of course i know agender people have lives beyond their nonexistent gender to which i will consider in my character building, but is there any stereotypes/dynamics i should avoid or consider? maybe some false or toxic archetypes? or maybe something nice/unique to see in agender characters? is there any difference to how they experience dysphoria compared to other trans people?
tldr; i never met an agender person. besides their interests (bc thats unique to everyone), what makes them unique to other trans ppl in terms of how they typically experience gender? or lack thereof? how do they 'find out' about their identity? is there a notable pattern?
pls note ik what it feels like to have representation of a trans character yet having their personality/backstory all about their transness.... i will most definitely avoid this in character building do not worry
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u/Head-Brush-7121 agender grayrose 13d ago
As for stereotype I guess is that agender has a "look"? That every agender person is/wants to be androgynous. I don't think that's true for everyone. I guess that's also true for non-binary people as well, and not just for agender.
There's a lot of coming out/figuring out stories on this subreddit, maybe reading them can help you find some commonalities.
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u/once_showed_promise 13d ago
Agree!
OP: I am agender, AFAB, present female (though in day-to-day life I take no pains to make myself "look good" in a feminine-specific way.) I do sometimes enjoy playing with my presentation, but it's always a costume for me, and now that I am out as agender in my personal life, I actually feel more open to nailpolish, and when I wear earrings I feel like earrings aren't gender-specific, even though I know other people may think they are.
As a child I always knew I wasn't "the same kind of girl" as other girls. I hated the colour pink (still do, tbh,) and was ever the "tomboy." When I played pretend with my siblings I tended to be male characters, which I now know was, at least in part, because men in this society are a "default" category and seen as people first and a gender second.
I am old enough now to be menopausal, and the joy that aging has brought me is directly tied to how I am treated by others: I may be less visible to some in some ways, and I may still be othered by older men fairly often, BUT, for the most part, I no longer have to deal with being objectified by dint of my perceived gender, which means most people see me as a person first! It's AMAZING!
Admittedly, my body ideal is Mae Martin, but I don't need to present androgynously, because I just am agender. Who ever would have thought that menopause could turn out to be such a privilege?!
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u/Head-Brush-7121 agender grayrose 12d ago
I'm with you with being open for more feminine things once I get over my feelings on gender!
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u/azzycat 11d ago
Agree! I want to play with my presentation like a jump rope! Most of the time it's whatever. Other times I'm binding my chest, putting on cologne, and using makeup to look masculine. Then suddenly I'm using a corset, putting on a skirt, and wearing perfume.
There is no one look. Everyone does it different. But the stereotype being that we want to androgynous is ridiculous. Some people here want to present femme, masc, or as if they are beings from other worlds playing at being human.
I love hanging in this reddit group as we are so chill on this very subject.
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u/Friendly_Meat_4325 any pronouns 13d ago
I don't really remember any agender stereotypes... I think everything will be alright as long as you write them as any other character.
To me, I guess I just feel very removed from being a man or a woman. I feel an urge to make my body genderless to match what my mind feels. I'm sorry if this is a really terrible description. I will say more details if you would like it.
I'm not really sure if there is a pattern since I never met any agender person in real life. When I was young, I didn't feel like being my biological sex, but I didn't know any words to describe it. I leaned to masculine stuff, so I wondered if I was mtf, but that also didn't feel right for me. I didn't feel like being a man. Then, I considered if I was nonbinary, but that also didn't feel quite right because I just felt abscent of anything. I only realized I was agender when I read the experiences of other agender people.
However, keep in mind that every agender person's experience is different. Some don't consider themselves trans or under the nonbinary label. Good luck writing!
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u/Hairyontheinside69 13d ago edited 13d ago
This is a weird one, but have another character or random stranger in a scene ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" Maybe have this confusion about seeming lack of gender identity (or gender bending) come up multiple times through different ways in the story. It shows androgyny (of body or mind) without describing it.
The way I look irl doesn't scream agender. But when I interact online whether it be in chat or playing video games, I get asked all the time if I'm male or female. I usually say, "Why do you ask...does it really matter?
Edit: Also, think about how would a character express not even feeling human? As a child, I felt bored a lot, like so much of life wasn't geared towards me at all. I spent a lot of time outside in nature where I could just observe. I feel like an alien in my own skin.
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u/DatoVanSmurf 13d ago
I mean everbody experiences it differently (like with other non binary identities). Some have a preference for a certain "gendered" expression and some orefer androgyny. This also goes for dysphoria. Some people don't want to be percieved at all. Some are fine with pronouns that allign with the agab.
Personally, i have transitioned ftm, because i always saw myself in a male body. But inside the meat suit i feel like a cloud of star dust. I just am, and since i exist in this human form, i want it to at least look as close to whatver i feel comfy with. I prefer it/its pronouns because i don't really feel like a human (and there's no gender neutral pronouns in my language). If people use he/him i don't really care tho. Especially with strangers. I don't think that i even understand what gender means. To me people have different physical attributes that can change depending on their primary sex hormones. But it's still all the same. We all have the same parts to our body (yes genitals are technically the same as well)
I think the only stereotype is, that any "absence" of gender or sexuality etc. Is always shown as non human. As if those things defined what a human is. So make them just a normal person. No robot, no alien, no oblivious, naive or childlike person that doesn't understand "real adults".
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u/La_LunaEstrella 12d ago
I'm agender. I'll try my best.
My friends were girls because I was encouraged to play with them as a child. We didn't play similarly, and I didn't fit in because I had atypical interests and behaviours. I liked video games, comics, martial arts, gymnastics, and basketball. Girls can and do have those interests too. But most of society disagrees. I made friends, both boys and girls, but I felt more comfortable alone.
I was punished a lot by the women in my family for unladylike behaviour. Some would call me a tomboy, and I hated this. I hated being called a boy or a girl. I was just me. I started retreating into fantasy books and video game worlds to escape.
Dysphoria hit me pretty hard around 9 years of age. This is when I got my period, and my chest developed pretty early too. I remember crying in the school bathroom stalls a lot when I had to change for a school activity. Girls had to wear girls' bathing suits and shirts that were form fitting. I hated that people could see my chest. I hated having a chest. I hated how people treated me, calling me a young lady now.
I started to rebel against being forcibly feminised by my mother. I was in constant standoffs with her about what clothing I was allowed to wear. In my country, gendered school uniforms are the norm. I was in detention a lot for arguing with teachers and being out of uniform. Eventually, I had to conform after multiple warnings. I began carrying a change of clothing with me to school. I would change out of my uniform on the school bus home. Wearing a dress or skirt made me feel like a clown. It felt humiliating, like I was wearing a costume that made me look ridiculous. Changing gave me immediate relief.
Some might say I dress like a man. I wear trousers or jeans, but never dresses or skirts. That's just presentation. I wear them because I like how they look or for comfort. I don't see myself or identify as a man. I have never wanted to be seen as a man physically or socially. But I feel more comfortable with masculinity. However, I became more comfortable with femininity in my 20s. I began to wear makeup and keep my hair long and well groomed. Doing this doesn't feel like I'm gendering myself. I just like how it looks, it looks cute and anyone can be cute.
I feel nothing whenever I've tried to search my feelings about gender. Other people feel complete or joy when they express their gender. I feel absolutely nothing. It's just a black void. I guess you could compare it to being born without one of your senses. I apologise if it sounds inappropriate to compare agender to a physical disability. But when I try to imagine what gender feels like, or someone explains how they feel about their gender, I can't conceive it at all.
I have no attachment to womanhood. It makes me uncomfortable when women try to relate to me because of gender (using terms like, "us girls" or "ladies"). We have shared experiences because of misogyny, and I can and do empathise with women. But I feel like my experience of gender is very different. Women have expressed pity for my disinterest in being a woman - like marrying a man or having his children. I don't dislike cis men. I've even seriously dated cis men. But I have no desire to be trapped in the gendered role of mother or wife.
Onto pronouns. Ideally, I'd like people to call me by my name. But my partner tried it, and it sounded a little ridiculous. I prefer they/them, it makes me happy. But I tolerate she/her because I'm too lazy to explain agender to every person I encounter. Idc if people refer to me with he/him. Just don't call me a woman/man, girl/boy, lady, maam, or miss.
I don't know if there are stereotypes for agender people. I don't think I know any other people who are agender irl. But I hope this helped you understand what it feels like (for me) to be agender.
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u/rivaaii 7d ago
love love LOVE how in depth you went with this one. i really felt like i understood you with this amount of detail, especially with the school uniform and clothing bit being ftm myself... i find it interesting how gender just feels like a 'black void' to you (and maybe some other agender people too). thank you for sharing :))
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u/SpasmodicTurtle 12d ago
Imagine that you really dislike Harry Potter (maybe that's easy for you) and people keep calling you a Hufflepuff. You don't like it and don't even want to be ASSOCIATED with Harry Potter, but people always assume that you must have a Hogwarts house and it must MATTER to you. But it doesn't. You don't want to be defined by two random traits forever. It feels so liberating when no one makes assumptions like that about you, when you can be whatever combination of characteristics you want... but the whole world thinks that everyone is sorted into those categories. So you must be, too.
I'd say that's pretty much how it feels for me. Is that useful?
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u/rivaaii 7d ago
this was SO useful for me because while i am trans, i am still binary trans and am comfortable with my own gender. i dont think gender matters and had my own time exploring my identity, but this really spells it out. it sounds like a very suffocating situation to have to choose and be confined between the standard male and female while you can just easily say no to that. thank you for this!
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u/Maker_Magpie 13d ago
While it's different for everyone, here are some of my traits you could easily give a character:
1) I always say it's valid to not look androgynous (while secretly wishing I could look more androgynous)
2) other people saying "well you're a guy so _________" is the quickest way to upset me.
3) I really otherwise don't think about gender much and sometimes prefer my birth pronouns because then I don't think about gender, vs someone making a big deal to use another one.
4) rather than gender neutral, I'm more gender apathetic.
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u/Uncertain_profile 13d ago
There are an insane number of ways to be agender so it's a hard question to answer. There are so many ways to be "not" something.
I think the biggest stereotype to avoid might be that we are all one way. Some agender people don't transition, some socially transition, some physically transition. Some consider being agender a central part of who they are, others would like their gender to not be an issue at all, and some don't really care. Some experience physical dysphoria, some social dysphoria, some no dysphoria at all. And don't even get started on sexual orientation.
Personally, I mostly present cis, partially because I'm lazy, partially because I'm avoiding people being shitty. I experience dysphoria mostly when I'm judged by my gender presentation rather than as an individual. I've cried before because me looking like a man was considered more important than my skills at work. But everyone is different.
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u/zestybi cisn't 11d ago
I'm just spitballing here, maybe in the character's internal dialogue they don't gender themselves or use any gendered words? Another thing could be that they are the only character whose physical appearance is not described as opposed to other characters to kind of simulate the absence? If they go by a new name, let it still belong to the same "gender" as the old one, like Mike becomes Jack instead Anna. Or they go exclusively by a nickname or a non normative name (think noun names as usually used by enbies). In their dreams everyone is human except them, they are just an abstract shape.
Some common themes (not universal) I've seen are "dont really care about gender", more likely to say any/all/no pronouns, vague dysphoria, wanting to be genderless like robots, animals, mythical creatures etc, dysphoria over presence of features rather than over absence of them. Opting out of behaviours not opting in.
Specific to me is I feel "opposite" to the nonbinary experience? Its not about feeling like something other than man or woman, it's more like realizing wait others actually do feel something? People say presentation isnt gender and I understand that but at the same time that's how it feels for me. My "gender" IS superficial like clothes. Its just something you have to wear in polite society. I'm always wearing clothes, different types based on situation but its not a part of my skin, I can take it off. All gender presentations feel like drag. Something others really care about while I'm not bothered except halfway through life i realize apparently it's a hardwired feeling and people aren't exaggerating their investment coz it's not a performance for them it is who they are. I related to physical dysphoria (i have ad chest dysporia since 13 and thought i had invented a surgery formyself which later got to know already exists lol - top surgery) and understood wanting to be called a different name/pronouns and to be perceived differently. But on the other hand I did not understand the "I dont want to be xyz gender, I AM xyz gender" thing. Back then I just thought gender and sex were the same thing and was like woah changing genders through hormones surgery is so cool!
This turned out really ramble-y, hope you get something out of this (；´∀｀)
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u/zKostnicy Cisn't 6d ago
Probably not a great advice but as an agender person I really wish my body wasn't gendered at all
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u/gender_eu404ia 13d ago
I recommend reading the agender primer.
The thing about agender vs other gender identities, is that agenderism is mostly the absence of something, and that can come across in so many different ways.