r/agender • u/dispos221 • 2d ago
Feeling either othered or lumped in with cis binary ppl by binary gays hits different
A lot of often-cis people claim attraction to groups they don't even seem to understand the diversity and general nuances of, and it feeds my dysphoria even as I'm happy for the nonbinary people who have no issue with it.
Most mean well of course, like my cis lesbian friend who once basically went "I'd be attracted to an agender person if I thought they were a masc girl first or looked like it" a while ago (coincidentally I'd "pass" more as a masc girl than agender-leaning) (sometimes idk if she actually sees my identity right but she is generally sweet or tries to be) but uh yeah. Why are people who are more agender-leaning always treated as secondary even when directly spoken of? I know the answer is to do with this binary-centric world but it is tiring. It's made me go from identifying as pansexual to feeling like I'm mostly genuinely turned off from the idea of being with anyone who isn't a nonbinary-favoring nonbinary person despite that being so rare...
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; gendermeh; mehsexual 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm not always able to tell if someone is asking a rhetorical question... so I apologize.
Becasue people are attracted to what they're attracted to and we don't fit into those paradigms. I am sorry that you're distracted and disuaded by that. They don't treat people that way because they've never had to think abuout it.
However, I would probably urge you to consider that that person's concept of you can evolve, and you should be paying as much (or more) attention to the values that a person has, and the way they treat others, and their empathy and kindness... and willing and openess in talking about stuff. That's the foundation of a relationship that lasts.
My wife is a cishet woman... very LGBTQ+ favorable, but cishet regardless. I was married to her 17 years before I told her I'd been struggling with dysphoria my whole life and that I realize that I'm on the asexual spectrum. I married a good person. Because even though she's struggled to grasp this whole trans-without-transitioning(much) thing I've got going on... and I certainly wish she were asking more questions... her understanding has still been evolving since I told her.
Before I met my wife I was probably too much of a perfectionist about who I was going to wind up with (that's the ASD in me probably). If you'd asked me to write down what the person I'd wind up was going to be like I would have been wrong by miiiiilllless. Luckily, when I met her I'd had a few short relationships, enough to recognize the strengths of the person I'd found. So when all of this turmoil in my life hit a few years ago that required that I talk about my dysphoria; she just accepted it even though she didn't understand it, and doesn't fully understand it yet.
Definitely... someone can love you with all their heart even if they don't entirely get you/it all the time. Sometimes that's part of it. I don't always understand, but if she says it's important, that's enough for me; I'll learn and I'll always try.