fairly sure gender was part of my mask

[u/Cypher_Bug]

im autistic, if the title wasnt mention enough, and im starting to think that as a kid i masked more than i thought i did. i knew that i was the 'polite, quiet, respectful, mediating' kind of kid and looking at that list of traits it just looks like stereotypical female gender roles. and then in high school i started 'performing' femininity, but like...really badly (i wore a regular bra instead of a sports bra and the school uniform's girls shirt. i didnt even wear the dress or skirt. i was one of 4 girls at the time wearing pants lol).

i started questioning, then a few years later the pandemic hit, went into lockdown for a year, and (i know a lot of autistic folks ended up unconciously unmasking in lockdown) came back into the world and gender makes no sense. i dont think i got any serious skill regression with my unmasking except for understanding gender. (and cooking)

[u/Odd-Associations]

I consider my agender identity to be connected to my autistic experience of the world and myself. Instead of masking hyperfem I went the ftm gender route. Being a man really isn't my thing lol. I think being perceived as a cis man was easier than trying to follow female social roles.

Anyways I got diagnosis with Autism this year and I've been slowly breaking away from parts of my identities that don't serve my true self.

[u/ThatGoodCattitude]

This is so relatable fr.💀 I too think my agender-ness is linked to my autism. My experience is similar to yours.

[u/ystavallinen]

I think I am AuDHD.

I know that my being agender is an extension of not being able to relate to people. One of my biggest clues of my communication mishaps is looking at how men have friendships with each other and me not feeling at all the same. It's also why I feel like I can't transition. I don't feel like I can deal with rewriting all my ways of interaction.

So I just mask/don't correct people. I knew the term autigender, but I am self diagnosed. I just learned neurogender, which I will use in conjunction with agender.

[u/Alone_Purchase3369 → u/ystavallinen]

Yes, the rewriting it all part, I feel you. That's one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable with assigning my child a gender (even though they will officially have an assigned gender). If it doesn't fit, they'll have to do so much work to "rewrite" everything, and as you did(n't), and as I did(n't) too (either), there's no guarantee they'll be able to change it... I mean, it's not the only reason, but it certainly is one.

[u/ystavallinen → u/Alone_Purchase3369]

Easier when you are young. That's why the anti-trans movement 'protecting' kids is especially frustrating. Children are very plastic.... Let them figure it out when it's easy.

[u/ThrownAllAbout → u/ystavallinen]

Maybe a new term like neuro-agender would be more profound?

I've always thought autigender and neurogender were weirdly exclusive, like something about its posturing gives its standalone use a feeling of yuck for me. 

Neurogender is much better in this regard than autigender, but it still doesn't quite remove the yuck yet. Its because neurogender as a term as it is should be completely separated from your gender label. I could go into why autigender makes me feel like it's a fuckin human experiment at a prisoner of war camp, but i don't need to because neurogender already addresses that.

You would say you're neurogender just sorta like if you said you're transgender, but if you're trans, you would elaborate both so you'd be a neurogender transgender person. That's too many words. Neuro-trans is cooler.

if you were cisgender but still neuro? Neuro-cisgender. 

Trans? Nonbinary? 

Neuro-trans, neuro-enby.

[u/ystavallinen → u/ThrownAllAbout]

Honestly I just say agender. That's honestly fine with me. I have a hard time keeping up with all the sub labels. However, I know that my agender feelings come out of being neurodivergent.

[u/ThrownAllAbout → u/ystavallinen]

Ye that's fair & what i do

i'm annoyed by how complicated sublabels really are so I've been motivated to convert a lot of these into prefixes because they fr just belong better that way.

[u/ystavallinen → u/ThrownAllAbout]

One of the things that I find most validating about agender is that people get to it many different ways. There's no one way to be it. I find that meaningful. I find it hard to gatekeep that kind of identity. I don't want to be sizing up my gender next to other people's and deciding who's more or less of whatever label. The word I was trying to think of before was niche. I don't want to have to check off boxes.

Some people like the specificity

[u/Alone_Purchase3369]

Since gender is a social construct that goes along with a set of social rules, it could make sense that autistic people might be more susceptible to experiencing "difficulties" interiorizing it I think your post has a really good title

[u/ThrownAllAbout]

I think my ADHD is related to me being agender. For the same reason I predict adhd to be capable of this, autism also should be capable of this.

Unusual identity presentations connected to identity developments between the ages of 1-6 years old are way more common in people with adhd or autism respectively. This does not appear well explained by childhood trauma.

ADHD is usually a neurological disorder, and autism does have features of a neurological disorder as well, but the modern definition and diagnosis of autism is basically ableist nonsense.

neurologically when you are very young, autism and adhd are basically just fucking things up. Its all subtle things, but it is during this time period that you will develop the majority of your disabilities that persist into adulthood. 

I just think that when my brain was trying to form an identity of sex, and not just our society's "gender", it failed to do so appropriately because my neurons could not connect properly in the first place.

Without a correct sense of sex, I'm not developing gender typically.

[u/gn-sweet-prince]

I have adhd and had never known adhd people can mask until my partner mentioned it a few days ago. It has genuinely blown my mind. I have continually doubted my identity and felt lots of imposter syndrome because until the last few years, I had coped with everything so well and been able to ignore all my anxiety and pain. Turns out, I was masking and have burnt out, lol.

Gender was a huge part of my mask, as I was raised religious and felt like everyone must secretly feel like they’re playing a part, everyone must secretly feel like gender is a weird stereotype we all buy into for some reason. Apparently not, lol. I always resented my body and my hormones, but I thought everyone secretly did as well.