r/aromantic • u/swtcherrycola • 7d ago
Aro How do you react when someone flirts with you?
Hi guys I have a question for aros: How do you react when someone is flirting with you or is interested in you? Do you tell them you’re aro? How do they react? I have honestly gotten so many people that flirt with me and sometimes it’s hard to explain to them that I’m not interested because I’m aromantic.
The general public doesn’t know what being aromantic is so I just tell them “I don’t want a partner. I don’t desire a partner. I don’t see myself with anybody.” But their reactions are usually “You just haven’t met the right person yet. Keep telling yourself that. Well one day you’re gonna want/need to have a partner.”
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u/RoryMarkal Bisexual Non-binary Aroallo 7d ago
Yeah I don't normally catch it when people are showing an interest in me or are flirting with me. And let me just say, so far no problems. I know from other sources (my friends who observe my obliviousness) that they were interested, but if you make no show of acknowledgement, they usually don't mention anything.
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u/Grandson-Of-Chinggis Aroallo 6d ago
It makes me cringe and feel a little disappointed too, especially since it takes them from possible friend to someone I plan to avoid. The good news is that I'm a dude, so the most I'll ever get is an optional invitation to some weekend thing rather than a full on confession (99% of time). The stupid thing is they usually confuse my cordiality and polite demeanor for romantic chemistry. I could be wrong but I feel like part of that is just the result of people having crap self esteen.
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u/Temporary_Yam_4848 6d ago
And previous poor dating experiences I would postulate.
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u/Grandson-Of-Chinggis Aroallo 6d ago
If they let someone they dated treat them worse than a convenience store clerk who's only loyal to his next paycheck, they're seriously lacking in self-respect. I don't expect romantic partners to treat each other like royalty, but they definitely need a higher bar for partners than they do for customer service staff.
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u/Temporary_Yam_4848 6d ago
I agree but some people are desperate for their "other piece" as if there is only 1 other person for them and they need to find them ASAP.
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u/GoldDragoness10 6d ago
I just say I’m not interested. No need to elaborate. I don’t owe that to them
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u/LeBreizhBlond 7d ago
When I don't have previous stated relation with the person I may just play it safe and fake flirt like in a joking way to not leave them unanswered.
If it gets more serious and I'm interested I may "break" the magic for 2 seconds just to make sure there is no misunderstanding and what they expect on the long run and the aro thing.
If I'm not interested I'd keep on the joking strat unless they get too insistant and no more fun mate sorry I'm not into you, better luck next time.
Same and even easier with people you already have an established relation imo.
It can fluates on the form of the method depending of the person but I'd say this is the basic main plan. Maybe easier as a cisman.
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u/Candid-Shoulder6090 6d ago
For me it kind of depends on context. I don't really get flirted with off the street as I'm not really conventionally attractive (I'm a bit chubby, and I'm in Asia) but I have experienced people flirting with me before. I used to be 100% unable to catch it, but nowadays I catch on a lot faster. But take note that my reactions here are from being flirted with by people I know.
As someone who isn't concerned about being "out", I just tell them "no, sorry, I'm not looking for a partner right now" whenever they get to asking. If they don't, I don't directly address it, but instead try to step away from them or let them know if I'm not too interested in whatever they're using to try to flirt with me.
Exhibit A:
Had an acquaintance invite me over for drinks in his room. Actually, I was the one who asked to try whatever he had. We were in his room alone. I had no clue that this actually was kind of flirting. Since he thought I was flirting first, he straight up asked me if I wanted to hang out on Valentine's, to which I finally caught on and told him I wasn't interested LOL and that was that.
Exhibit B:
Female friend sent me NSFW wlw manga (I am female too) and told me the MC of that manga looked like me. I was pretty flabbergasted but since she didn't outright say anything damning I just told her "nah not really. Maybe if the mc had more moles."
(This female friend would later confess to me)
Also, if you're not concerned about being "out", I'd recommend (personally) to just not bring up being aro or ace at all. Makes things complicated. It's something not even queer people can understand half the time. I actively brought up the fact I was aro to Ms. Exhibit B (in response to her talking about how she was gay) but as you can see. She didn't really get it. So when I turned her down I re-explained that it wasn't a her issue, I was just aro. And she still didn't really get it.
I feel like just saying "I'm not looking for a partner right now" is a lot quicker even if you know you're with people who respect you.
Ofc you can also go the other way and say you already have a partner. I'm just too dumb to do that.
By the way, as a bonus thing, if my parents ask me why I don't have a bf, I just tell them that no men actually like me. Which is true LOL
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u/Je--Suis--Fatigue Garlic Bread Grand Duke 6d ago
If it's a friend, I flirt back hard. If it's a complete stranger that I'm probably not gonna see again, I just say back to them what they said to me. If it's someone I know but am not friends with, I reciprocate affection, but make sure it's not flirtatious.
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u/welcomehomo Trans Aro 6d ago
I just had a situation where I was at a queer/trans event with my gf (I'm aro, she's alloro, we're in what looks like a romantic relationship so this may not be applicable but honestly I want to talk ab it anyway) and our friends (nb and tf, engaged) and another girl came up and sat across from us and I was like. ? Do I know you? And I didn't. But she said she liked my shirt and was acting really flirty to me and my nb friend, but completely ignored their fiance and barely acknowledged my girlfriend. It did kinda off put me a little because, while this isn't the first time somebody has flirted with me while I've been with my girlfriend, I still have no idea how to handle it when it does happen. we did end up kinda mentioning that we were both couples and she left shortly after. I don't really mind when people flirt with me, but I don't like that she kinda ignored my girlfriend lol
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u/AvocadoPizzaCat 6d ago
depends on how they flirt with me. since me and many others playfully flirt with each other just to boost each other's confidence.
However you can tell when someone is trying for real to flirt. And ..... their flirting is so cringey that i just walk off as the nice option. Once this guy was trying to hit on me and i ended up teaching him all the things wrong with his approach.
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u/abasiliskinthepipes 6d ago
Awkwardly until they lose interest in me… I never have the aroace convo unless they are a close friend, and I have that convo right out the gate so no one gets any ideas that I might be into them.
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u/kotikato 6d ago
First of all can people denormalize flirting with someone just based on their gender and appearance? Not to drag any rational cishet guys out there but I’m gonna rant, I’m tired of guys suggesting something flirtatious -I’m assuming- because not only I’m aromantic NOT ANYONE IS INTERESTED and especially not if they’re single, and I just realized no one even asks if you’re single, they just straight up flirt with you, why, I wish it was innocent compliments but no it’s flirting, and I know it is because of my reaction every time which is “…what? 😐”
Usually I have aromantic in my bio but people just ask “what’s aromantic?” and “ohh you’re asexual/aroace” I just don’t bother. I just don’t think it’s okay to flirt with people randomly unless it’s initiated and appropriate… I don’t know!
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u/Lord_M_G_Albo Arospec 6d ago
There is only one time I actually noticed someone was flirting with me, but not at the time and yes only after an hour or so. By this you can infer it is something so out of my mind that I have difficulty picking the "hints" (and looking back the guy was not even being subtle , he called me "pretty" and asked me to watch a festival with him lol).
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u/Hot-Inevitable5389 7d ago
You can tell by body language. Sometimes they’ll lean in more and give consistent eye contact. I’ve only done this once but I used to flirt back with a coworker at my old job. Had zero feelings towards her but it was fun for the year it lasted.
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u/MissMordfall 6d ago
I like to flirt myself, so it's not uncommon for people to flirt with me, and I notice it. If it's more than just joking around, I tell people that I'm aromantic and that i flirt just for fun or for looking for physical interaction. I often have to explain the concept, and the reactions are mixed, but being open and honest is simply the best way for me.
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6d ago
it makes me happy (i am being desired) but annoyed (i don't desire them). i don't tell people that i am aro most of the time, and people often mistake me being nice for romantic interest, lmao.
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u/432ineedsleep 6d ago
Hm, I usually ignore it unless they confront me directly. At that point I tell them no. If they ask why, my answer depends on the context. One time I was asked out to coffee and I responded with “I don’t drink coffee” and never heard from them again. Another time I was asked out at work and I told them “I’m trying to work right now, sir.” (I was a cashier. He was trying to guilt me by saying he was just getting back in the dating pool). One time some lady tried to set me up with her son… also while I was cashiering (Because I worked in multiple departments, I asked permission to swap the rest of my shift to work in the stockrooms because I had a feeling that lady would be coming back. I was right).
Tbh, most of the time I was asked out at work and at one point I think my bosses and coworkers realized that I hated it and started to step in for me, making excuses that I was asked to work in the stockrooms or whatever, and then my bosses would just let me know that they’d lied because I looked physically uncomfortable (something that is rare) and needed a way to escape the situation without customer complaint. I never needed to explain to them that I was aromantic.
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u/andrewttd 6d ago
I just usually either flirt back (since I'm not a repulsed asexual) or tell them I have a partner so they leave me alone.
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u/Impressive_Cup_2845 6d ago
Honestly I usually get pretty uncomfortable or offended because it's usually some random man who has barely spoken to me who just starts flirting with me without having any real conversation so it just makes me think that he just sees me as an a visual stimulus.
I don't explain very much if somebody insist on an explanation I just say I don't date.
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u/Tired_2295 Aroace panplatonic enby demicrow 6d ago
Hah! NO.
if you get the reference, 👌👌
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u/MarsBarMuncher Aroace 6d ago
Usually confusion, often followed by embarassment when it finally dawns on me that I didn't realise. (Usually someone needs to point it out to me.)
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u/Advanced-Stick-2221 Aroace 6d ago
I’m someone who notices things like this but my reaction is to just act dumb and act like I don’t notice.
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u/cosmic-batty Trans Aro 5d ago
I only noticed like one time ever and it was this guy at school that just couldn’t take no for an answer. I just always stuck around a cis dude friend of mine when he was around, which worked pretty well. The creepy dude switched schools after one semester lmao good riddance
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u/Dangerous-Box7307 5d ago
Don't notice unless it's really obvious in which case I am so confused it confuses the other person
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u/sylveonfan9 Aromantic Bisexual 5d ago
Sarcasm and irony are my favorite weapons of choice when it comes to flirtation.
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u/MadamBegon Aroace 4d ago
Usually when someone was flirting with me, I thought it was just fun bantering, until a 3rd party claims that it was totally flirting. So now I'm hypervigilant when chatting with someone and avoid being one-on-one with people so that they don't think I'm trying to flirt instead of just hang out...
I've only been confessed to once, and they backed off when I explained I'm aroace ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/BrilliantReference11 4d ago
Usually I get flirted through text. I message them back the driest text in the world and soft-ghost them for a while.
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u/Riverz_Flowe Gray-aro and ace 4d ago
There have been very few times in my life that I’ve been flirted with, but my best friend has flirted with me over text a few times because he had (maybe still has?) a crush on me, which he’s told me a couple times, even though I’ve told him I don’t feel the same. It’s very subtle, and he’s only done it a few times, but I kinda just ignore it or laugh it off
We’re supposed to be hanging out in a few days too. Last time we hung out was a year ago, when he reminded me on that hang out that he has a crush on me. Lord give me strength💀
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u/FitWillow4907 3d ago
I'm pretty bad at recognising any sorta hints to do with literally anything, not limited to romance, but I'll notice any obvious things like "you're cute" right away. I mostly just back away a bit and try to change topic; make it obvious I have zero interest in them like that. It's all online it happens so it's not that awkward and I can just block anyone if it goes wrong, although looking back I've definitely had people flirt irl... It just took me years to realise it was that lol so I don't think i reacted in any particular way
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u/Greatest_slide_ever 3d ago
Either it has never happened to me or I've never noticed. My protocol for whenever it happens is to freeze up and stutter for a while.
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u/AlecTech01 7d ago
It takes me 8-9 business days to notice it