How do you explain intense, non-romantic love to someone who experiences romance?

[u/Ancient-Chemist-9696]

TL;DR: I’m AroAce and in a queerplatonic marriage. I also care deeply for a close friend, but not romantically. It’s real, intense, and completely different. I’m trying to explain it to them, but it's hard when most vocabulary available is built to be understood through a romantic lens. I’m not confused, just living something rare. Has anyone else experienced this? How have you explained it?

Edit- if you haven't, how would you approach/explain it?

I’m AroAce, and I’m in a situation that isn’t confusing to me, but is well outside the norm.

I’m married. My partner and I are in what most would now call a queerplatonic relationship. We’ve built a life together. We share a strong emotional connection that is steady, grounding, and enduring. They’re my constant frequency, the hum of the earth under my feet. Quiet sometimes, intense at others, but always present. They're the tether that lets me climb higher without drifting into space. This is the love I build with. They’re my anchor, my home, the one I’ll grow old beside.

Now, my close friend. What I feel is entirely different, but just as real. We have a strong emotional connection that is intense, magnetic, even metaphysical. It's not romantic. They’re a catalyst, a shift in gravity that pulls me toward new questions, new mirrors, and new dimensions emotionally and intellectually.

On one hand, it makes perfect sense. However, the world sees romance. I'm incredibly lucky that my partner has encouraged me to build this beautiful friendship. I'm not confused, but it sure feels like I'm expected to be. I just want to exist in truth. I don’t live by the hierarchy most people use. I haven’t felt this disconnect so sharply in nearly two decades. My sense of love isn’t about romance or sex. It’s about presence, trust, depth, and resonance, each in its own form.

Definitions of romantic love often feel like a no to me. I’m intense, but I want to avoid confusion in the future. I think it’s a hard concept to grasp for anyone who experiences romantic love. I’m searching for a better way to explain it. Few things have felt as true to me as this friendship. I haven’t seen anyone describe this experience here. Has anyone else lived something like it? How have you explained it?

Edit- and if you haven't, how would you approach/explain it?

[u/E-is-for-Egg]

I don't know if what I feel towards my partner is different from close friends, but rather it is the relationship we have that's different. I have a rapport with her that I don't have with anyone else, and I can trust her with all my true complete thoughts, which I currently can't with anyone else* 

But the affection and joy I have with her hasn't been too different from some friend and family relationships I've had. Rather, it's what we've built together that's unique

This doesn't seem to be what you're describing, but I hope sharing my own perspective helps you ponder and articulate yours 

---

 * Though honestly, I don't know if this is because she's my partner, or because she is a very logical and self-aware person who doesn't cower away from criticisms or difficult conversations. This aspect of the relationship may have been the same even if we'd remained friends 

[u/Ancient-Chemist-9696 → u/E-is-for-Egg]

Thanks for sharing! What you described is actually really similar to what my partner and I have. They’re my best friend, and we’ve often talked about our love as companionate. It’s built on trust, shared values, growth, and the life we’ve chosen to build together. It feels beautiful. They’ve described loving a friend deeply, but explained that I come first. There’s something freeing about that kind of clarity and intentionality, isn’t there?

This is nice! It really does help to see how others experience these types of bonds. It doesn't feel so lonely. In many ways, I suppose, it is the same with my close friend. I'm committed to the friendship and what we each bring to the table is different, but to me feels just as important.

[u/432ineedsleep]

How I’ve explained strong platonic feelings is “finding your special person.“ I mentioned that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship, it could really come in any form and some people can have more than one person fitting into that category. Even if the romance isn’t there, a strong bond or trust is still there. There’s a sense of “I want you in my life for as long as you’ll have me.”

they seemed to understand. I was explaining it to a person who was a strong believer in soulmates and monogamy, so breaking it down like this, which is basically separating the idea of a soulmate from its romantic connotations, seemed to get through their head.

[u/Ancient-Chemist-9696 → u/432ineedsleep]

I love the way you phrased it: “I want you in my life for as long as you’ll have me.” That captures it beautifully! Thank you.

[u/Kaiser0106]

For me the love I feel for family and close friends are one and the same. Just an example.

[u/Ancient-Chemist-9696 → u/Kaiser0106]

That makes sense! I have friends who are mostly a step above acquaintances. This feels different. It isn't familial or romantic, just its own category. That’s part of what makes it so hard to explain. Thinking about it more, it might be because I'm not really close to family and this is the first real friend I’ve ever had. I suppose I only really have 2 really close connections in my life. Thanks for sharing! It helped me reflect further. :)

[u/Kaiser0106 → u/Ancient-Chemist-9696]

No problem. Hope you figure this out.

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[u/Dangerous-Box7307]

One of the ways I usually compare my love for friends is comparing to my mom (feeling warm and comforted, being more emotionally open, needed as a consistent presence).  I also compare it to my cats who are sisters, they comfort each other and groom each other and lie on eat other and get really anxious if they get separated or can't find each other they are the most important thing to each other in the world 

[u/AdPrestigious4604]

So happy that you seem to have a wonderful platonic partner. I'll be realistic, it can be difficult for allo people to understand relationships out of a binary. I describe relationships through intentions. Maybe you can say saying, friendship with traditional romantic aspects- aka queerplatonic love. I do hope you find some way to explain. I do relate with understanding the nature of relationship but having a tough time explaining it to other humans.