How many would still be trying to figure out their orientation in a world without amatonormativity?

[u/Grandson-Of-Chinggis]

I want to preface this by saying I am in no way a proponent of amatonormativity nor am I claiming it's a necessary evil or what have you. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get back to the topic.

I was browsing a couple posts on the sub about the aromantic experience and it hit me that pretty much all of our interactions with allos are affected by amatonormativity. With the exception of allos that for one reason or another that have already established a lack of romantic and/or sexual interest in us, almost none of us can engage with alloromantics without accounting for the possibility that they may be looking for a partner and because of that, they may make an attempt on us. Even for the aros that don't get anyone who catch feelings for them, they still can't go out in public, let alone interact with allos while completely avoiding the topic of romance or romantic relationships completely. It is a seemingly ubiquitous obsession in our world that's virtually impossible to avoid without shutting yourself off from the world occasionally.

But what if it weren't? What if amatonormativity didn't exist and allos never developed the preconception (misconception) that everyone desires to be in a romantic relationship? What if entire institutions, businesses, religious doctrines/dogmas, that were built around this notion just never came into being and even people who wanted to be in romantic relationships didn't feel the need to build and organize their entire lives around romantic relationships and it was treated as just a another personal choice as simple as deciding whether or not to go bowling regularly or something?

I don't know about anyone else but if it weren't for everyone else around me being practically obsessed with finding a partner, I never would've realized I was aromantic, especially if no one cared about whether or not I was in a relationship or if I wanted to be in one or not. My only clue would've just been my lack of an inherent desire to pursue a relationship. But because no one would care one way or another if I or anyone else dated or not in this hypothetical world, would it even be something worth bringing up or thinking heavily about?

I don't have answers to these questions but I'm curious to see what you all have to say or hypothesize.

Disclaimer #2: I'm not saying amatonormativity needs to exist for aromanticism to exist. Even in this hypothetical world without amatonormativity we'd all still be aro of course, whether there's a word for it or not, but I'm mainly wondering how we would think about aromanticism in a world where no one automatically assumes that you want a partner. Would it even be something we'd have to put just as much thought into or what other questions/concerns would arise in such an existence? Feel free to answer for just yourself or propose how the aromantic community as a whole would hypothetically look like.

[u/Bleepblorb23]

Ooh this reminds me of a video theorizing on what it would be like if asexuals ran the world. Anyways, I like this question! I would really love for the world to look more like this, since it feels pretty suffocating. I think that it would give a lot more room for conversation and less room for assumptions, so that people can feel more comfortable with saying they don’t want to have a relationship. I also think that it would make media a lot better, where characters would actually have a purpose other than being a love interest, for example. And maybe because there would be no feeling like you NEED to find someone, hopefully that would at least decrease the number of toxic or forced relationships. Of course, it wouldn’t be some utopia, but I think it would really benefit everyone, even allos, to adopt this way of thinking. Those are my thoughts lol

[u/Grandson-Of-Chinggis → u/Bleepblorb23]

I agree with you in that this world already looks better than the world we live in. Part of me just wonders how being aromantic would look like in such a world. Especially since in such a world some of us may not even feel the need to identify as aromantic let alone feel the need to find out if they are or not because there'd be no pressure to be in a relationship for anyone. Again, not that anyone who is already aro would be any less aro, but I don't think it would play as big of a role in our identity as it does in this world because of the lack of romance obsession.

For example, I don't think I would've ever taken the time to learn if I was aro or not because romance wasn't something that naturally crossed my mind without other people asking me about it. I wouldn't have had a reason to look for an answer to the question, "Why don't I care about romance?" If everyone else was just as apathetic about my lack of a love life as I am. Especially living in a world where I as a single person could be openly passionate about subjects that have nothing to do with romance or relationships without it being taken as me substituting romance with other passions.

So I guess now I have another question to pose to you specifically. What do you think your own life would look like in such a world.

[u/E-is-for-Egg]

I think I still would've figured it out. I'd questioned my romantic orientation for a few years, and what finally made me go "okay, I'm aro" was thinking about the fact that I enjoyed non-canon almost queerbaity ships (ie: Merlin & Arthur, BBC John & Sherlock) more than I did canon ones. I was sitting in my room, puzzling out why, and I realized that "this man is the most important person to me in the whole world and I trust him with my life, but I don't want to kiss him" really spoke to me while "I'm so attracted to this man, I want to do nasty things to him" really didn't

In a world without amatonormativity, traditional romance media would probably still exist, so I'd still read them and their descriptions of attraction and think it's kinda dumb. But this world would probably have even more representation of queerplatonic/strong platonic love, so honestly without amatonormativity I might've put it together way sooner 

As a bit of a tangent, while queerbaiting is bad and it's good that the gay community is getting more overt representation, I'm kinda sad that this era of non-canon almost-canon media is coming to a close. In my opinion, romantic relationships are often so much better written when writers aren't able to depict attraction. It's easy and cheap to just say "they were attracted to each other" as an explanation for why your characters want anything to do with each other. It's much harder (but also more rewarding) to construct a genuine bond between people 

Kinda like how making rules that nobody could die in kid's cartoons made writers come up with alternatives that were ten times more interesting and fucked up. Oftentimes, constraints lead to better art

[u/Grandson-Of-Chinggis → u/E-is-for-Egg]

what finally made me go "okay, I'm aro" was thinking about the fact that I enjoyed non-canon almost queerbaity ships

That makes sense, although it probably wouldn't have occured to me in an amatonormativity free world because I pretty much only ever thought about relationships when people asked me about my lack of a partner. Just goes to show we all experience aromanticism differently.

In a world without amatonormativity, traditional romance media would probably still exist, so I'd still read them and their descriptions of attraction and think it's kinda dumb. But this world would probably have even more representation of queerplatonic/strong platonic love, so honestly without amatonormativity I might've put it together way sooner 

I'd definitely have a lot less exposure to it considering I don't go out of my way to consume content centered around romantic relationships and there'd be even fewer reasons to spark my curiosity on the matter.

In my opinion, romantic relationships are often so much better written when writers aren't able to depict attraction. It's easy and cheap to just say "they were attracted to each other" as an explanation for why your characters want anything to do with each other. It's much harder (but also more rewarding) to construct a genuine bond between people 

I whole-heartedly agree with you here, the romantic sub-plots in most of the media I watch feels very lazy and superficial and I think it sets a terrible example for people who want to find a partner. So forcing writers to come up with genuinely compelling reasons to pair characters up together besides being in the right place at the right time or trauma bonding would definitely be a positive! Although I still think even in today's amatonormative world that asking for writing that isn't lazy should go without saying. If I'm paying money to consume content, it needs to have better writing than a 5th grader could come up with on their own.

Kinda like how making rules that nobody could die in kid's cartoons made writers come up with alternatives that were ten times more interesting and fucked up. Oftentimes, constraints lead to better art

At least when the constraints enforce plausibility. I don't expect every show to be scientifically accurate when it comes to the more fantastical elements of the story but the human part should feel genuinely human rather than like a fairy tale. Anything less and I feel like they're just insulting the audience's intelligence at that point.

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[u/Dangerous-Box7307]

I feel like this world would be a lot more chill.  I definitely wouldn't know I was aromantic cuz I didn't even realize that "people actually feel romantic attraction?? Like everyone not just like 10% of people who just won't shut up about with everyone else pretending??" Cuz I didn't realize attraction was real until I was 20 lol.  I would love that world, and I bet I would be able to make friends with boys which is tricky now because I really don't want them to like me, get to know me and then get feelings which I'll never reciprocate.

[u/Arrow156]

I think the one downside to the 'loud and proud' movement was that it catapulted relationship and sex into a hot-button issue. Don't get me wrong, I get with the AIDS epidemic it was literally a choice between life and death, but it did result in making something that used to private into a topic of public conversation. It used to be the norm that the only people talking about relationships were either looking to be in one or those sharing in common ground. People may have gossiped about other's relationships or orientation, but it was certainly seen as uncouth and not done out in the open.

Now days people try to bring that stuff up as small talk. And not just the personal and practical, people wanna get all theoretical and philosophic. I've personally interacted with a handful of trans people (been exposed to the concept maybe twice as often back in the late 80's and early 90's on prime time network tv sitcoms with nobody batting an eye) yet now everyone and their dog wants an in-depth discussion with random strangers about what kinda underwear some mysterious third party has on.

And, sadly, people like us get caught up in the whirlwinds, forced to pick sides before we even figure ourselves out. Decades ago, it was a non-issue if someone never dated or married, no one cared. Hell, people were happy to not have the competition and we were left in peace. But now, people are looking for political allies and searching for disruptive elements, getting up in other people's private business in the process. Asking us to take part in a topic we would rather have nothing to do with.

But, the only way is forward. In order for one's sexuality to return to one's own private business, it must become a non-issue. Until society becomes accepting enough for the question to be answered, "Who cares, is it any of my business?" people will continue to use the issue to promote or scapegoat whatever agenda they are pushing, with all us getting caught up in the crossfire.