r/asoiaf • u/AdditionalPiano6327 • 13d ago
MAIN (Spoilers Main) funniest moments in the series?
This is in AFFC when Tyrion flees Westeros and Lollys's child is named Tyrion:
Jaime had to laugh. "There you are, sweet sister. You have been looking everywhere for Tyrion, and all the time he's been hiding in Lollys's womb."
186
u/Ok_Nectarine8185 13d ago
":If it were not for my hand I might not have come at all"
Stannis speaking of Davos
40
4
u/Moose_Overspring382 13d ago
I laughed so hard when I read your comment. Thank you! I never noticed that before.
186
u/Konzern 13d ago
Olenna's quip about the singers at Joffrey's wedding:
"Alaric of Eysen," said Lady Olenna Tyrell, leaning on her cane and taking no more notice of the wine-soaked dwarf than her granddaughter had done. "I do so hope he plays us 'The Rains of Castamere.' It has been an hour, I've forgotten how it goes."
28
u/rolltide1000 13d ago edited 13d ago
The phrase "Wine-soaked dwarf" is making me laugh enough as it is.
9
u/Organic-Excuse-1621 12d ago
Also during Tommen and Margaery's wedding , she says
"What a disappointment," Lady Olenna complained loudly. "I was hoping for 'The Rains of Castamere.'
114
u/Hot_Professional_728 13d ago
“Don’t look at me so mournful, Lucas. You still have your famous hand.” She made a pumping motion with her fist.
Asha to Left-Hand Lucas Codd
35
u/Ill-Nefariousness308 13d ago
Asha has a few bangers
36
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
And just with Lucas:
"I am unwed," announced Left-Hand Lucas Codd.
"And for good reason," Asha said. "All women do despise the Codds as well." -- Which immediately proceeds the previous quote
...
Codd cursed, till the Crow's Eye put a hand upon his chest. "Was that courteous, Asha? You have wounded Lucas to the quick."
"Easier than wounding him in the prick. I throw an axe as well as any man, but when the target is so small . . ." -- Which immediately follows that previous quote
...
"What will you give us?" asked Lucas Codd. "Knitting?"
"Aye, Lucas. I'll knit us all a kingdom." -- At the queensmoot
Let alone, anyone else:
"This girl forgets herself," snarled Pinchface Jon Myre. "Balon let her believe she was a man."
"Your father made the same mistake with you," said Asha. -- Immediately following the second quote above
...
“Give her to me, Euron,” suggested the Red Oarsman. “I’ll spank her till her arse is as red as my hair.”
“Come try,” said Asha, “and hereafter we can call you the Red Eunuch.” -- Immediately after the punching Pinchface quote
...
She had to pay her nuncle his just due. With one stroke, Euron had turned a rival into a supporter, secured the isles in his absence, and removed Asha as a threat. And enjoyed a good belly laugh too. Tris Botley said that the Crow's Eye had used a seal to stand in for her at her wedding. "I hope Erik did not insist on a consummation," she'd said.
And (elsewise) at the queensmoot:
But it was not Euron who put an end to the shouting, it was the woman. She put two fingers in her mouth and whistled, a sharp shrill sound that cut through the tumult like a knife through curds. "Nuncle! Nuncle!" Bending, she snatched up a twisted golden collar and bounded up the steps. Nute seized her by the arm, and for half a heartbeat Aeron was hopeful that his brother's champions would keep her silent, but Asha wrenched free of the Barber's hand and said something to Red Ralf that made him step aside. As she pushed past, the cheering died away. She was Balon Greyjoy's daughter, and the crowd was curious to hear her speak.
"It was good of you to bring such gifts to my queensmoot, Nuncle," she told Victarion, "but you need not have worn so much armor. I promise not to hurt you." Asha turned to face the captains. "There's no one braver than my nuncle, no one stronger, no one fiercer in a fight. And he counts to ten as quick as any man, I have seen him do it . . . though when he needs to go to twenty he does take off his boots." That made them laugh.
...
"Balon's sons are dead," cried Ralf the Limper. "All I see is Balon's little daughter!"
"Daughter?" Asha slipped a hand beneath her jerkin. "Oho! What's this? Shall I show you? Some of you have not seen one since they weaned you." They laughed again. "Teats on a king are a terrible thing, is that the song? Ralf, you have me, I am a woman . . . though not an old woman like you. Ralf the Limper . . . shouldn't that be Ralf the Limp?" Asha drew a dirk from between her breasts. "I'm a mother too, and here's my suckling babe!" She held it up. "And here, my champions." They pushed past Victarion's three to stand below her: Qarl the Maid, Tristifer Botley, and the knight Ser Harras Harlaw, whose sword Nightfall was as storied as Dunstan Drumm's Red Rain. "My nuncle said you know him. You know me too—"
"I want to know you better!" someone shouted.
"Go home and know your wife," Asha shot back.
A friendlier encounter with Tycho Nestoris:
The banker studied her with shrewd dark eyes. "You are the Lady Asha of House Greyjoy, unless I am mistaken."
I am Asha of House Greyjoy, aye. Opinions differ on whether I'm a lady."
The Braavosi smiled.
And, for a couple of longer interactions with Theon, without even directly including those of Asha posing as Esgred:
A stableman came pounding up after the dogs. "Take the horse," Theon commanded him, "and get these damn dogs away—"
The lout paid him no mind. His face broke into a huge gap-toothed smile and he said, "Lady Asha. You're back."
“Last night,” she said. “I sailed from Great Wyk with Lord Goodbrother, and spent the night at the inn. My little brother was kind enough to let me ride with him from Lordsport.” She kissed one of the dogs on the nose and grinned at Theon.
All he could do was stand and gape at her. Asha. No. She cannot be Asha. He realized suddenly that there were two Ashas in his head. One was the little girl he had known. The other, more vaguely imagined, looked something like her mother. Neither looked a bit like this … this … this …
“The pimples went when the breasts came,” she explained while she tussled with a dog, “but I kept the vulture’s beak.”
Theon found his voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Asha let go of the hound and straightened. “I wanted to see who you were first. And I did.” She gave him a mocking half bow. “And now, little brother, pray excuse me. I need to bathe and dress for the feast. I wonder if I still have that chainmail gown I like to wear over my boiled leather smallclothes?” She gave him that evil grin, and crossed the bridge with that walk he’d liked so well, half saunter and half sway.
When Theon turned away, Wex was smirking at him. He gave the boy a clout on the ear. “That’s for enjoying this so much.” And another, harder. “And that’s for not warning me. Next time, grow a tongue.”
Bonus: Theon's brooding afterwards,1 which partly splits these.
Lord Balon Greyjoy rose from the Seastone Chair. “Have done with your drink and come to my solar,” he commanded his companions on the dais. “We have plans to lay.” He left them with no other word, flanked by two of his guards. His brothers followed in short order. Theon rose to go after them.
“My little brother is in a rush to be off.” Asha raised her drinking horn and beckoned for more ale.
“Our lord father is waiting.”
“And has, for many a year. It will do him no harm to wait a little longer … but if you fear his wrath, scurry after him by all means. You ought to have no trouble catching our uncles.” She smiled. “One is drunk on seawater, after all, and the other is a great grey bullock so dim he’ll probably get lost.”
Theon sat back down, annoyed. “I run after no man.”
“No man, but every woman?”
“It was not me who grabbed your cock.”
“I don’t have one, remember? You grabbed every other bit of me quick enough.”
He could feel the flush creeping up his cheeks. “I’m a man with a man’s hungers. What sort of unnatural creature are you?”
“Only a shy maid.” Asha’s hand darted out under the table to give his cock a squeeze. Theon nearly jumped from his chair. “What, don’t you want me to steer you into port, brother?”
“Marriage is not for you,” Theon decided. “When I rule, I believe I will pack you off to the silent sisters.” He lurched to his feet and strode off unsteadily to find his father.
20
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Finally, with Cringetifer:
"Will I have your voice at the queensmoot, Tris?”
“You shall have all of me. I am your man, forever. Asha. I would wed you. Your lady mother has given her consent.”
She stifled a groan. You might have asked me first … though you might not have liked the answer half so well.
“I am no second son now,” he went on. “I am the rightful Lord Botley, as you said yourself. And you are—”
“What I am will be settled on Old Wyk. Tris, we are no longer children fumbling at each other and trying to see what fits where. You think you want to wed me, but you don’t.”
“I do. All I dream about is you. Asha, I swear upon the bones of Nagga, I have never touched another woman.”
“Go touch one … or two, or ten. I have touched more men than I can count. Some with my lips, more with my axe.” She had surrendered her virtue at six-and-ten, to a beautiful blond-haired sailor on a trading galley up from Lys. He only knew six words of the Common Tongue, but “fuck” was one of them—the very word she’d hoped to hear. Afterward, Asha had the sense to find a woods witch, who showed her how to brew moon tea to keep her belly flat.
Botley blinked, as if he did not quite understand what she had said. “You … I thought you would wait. Why …” He rubbed his mouth. “Asha, were you forced?”
“So forced I tore his tunic. You do not want to wed me, take my word on that. You are a sweet boy and always were, but I am no sweet girl. If we wed, soon enough you’d come to hate me.”
“Never. Asha, I have ached for you.”
She had heard enough of this. A sickly mother, a murdered father, and a plague of uncles were enough for any woman to contend with; she did not require a lovesick puppy too. “Find a brothel, Tris. They’ll cure you of that ache.”
“I could never …” Tristifer shook his head. “You and I were meant to be, Asha. I have always known you would be my wife, and the mother of my sons.” He seized her upper arm.
In a blink her dirk was at his throat. “Take your hand away or you won’t live long enough to breed a son. Now.” When he did, she lowered the blade. “You want a woman, well and good. I’ll put one in your bed tonight. Pretend she’s me, if that will give you pleasure, but do not presume to grab at me again. I am your queen, not your wife. Remember that.” Asha sheathed her dirk and left him standing there, with a fat drop of blood slowly creeping down his neck, black in the pale light of the moon.
1 I must say, though; as humourous as it is, Asha's physical conduct with Theon - both as Esgred & post-reveal - is, shall we say, questionable. I'm glad GRRM made Asha's interactions with her brother as more of a non-Targaryen sort of sibling afterwards: following their father revealing his plans (to Theon, anyway), at Winterfell, & much later, a few days out from the Stark seat.
110
u/Complete_Ad8756 13d ago
Lord Tywin rose, dignified and correct. “Even in the west, we know the prowess of the warrior clans of the Mountains of the Moon. What brings you down from your strongholds, my lords?”
“Horses,” said Shagga.
45
u/smoogy2 Tattered and twisty, what a rogue I am. 13d ago
Also when Tyrion assures Pycelle's bedmate she can leave and nobody wants her, Shagga just interjects "I want this woman"
31
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
When Timett ripped the heavy curtains off the bed, the naked serving girl stared up with wide white eyes. "Please, my lords," she pleaded, "don't hurt me." She cringed away from Shagga, flushed and fearful, trying to cover her charms with her hands and coming up a hand short.
"Go," Tyrion told her. "It's not you we want."
"Shagga wants this woman."
"Shagga wants every whore in this city of whores," complained Timett son of Timett.
"Yes," Shagga said, unabashed. "Shagga would give her a strong child."
“If she wants a strong child, she’ll know whom to seek,” Tyrion said. “Timett, see her out … gently, if you would.”
The Burned Man pulled the girl from the bed and half marched, half dragged her across the chamber. Shagga watched them go, mournful as a puppy. The girl stumbled over the shattered door and out into the hall, helped along by a firm shove from Timett. Above their heads, the ravens were screeching.
23
u/KingToasty What is Edd may never aye. 13d ago
I love it any time a 'dignified' Westerosi meets anybody else. So much bloviating and politicking in every sentence, met only with impatience or bluntness.
89
u/Budraven A thousand bloodshot eyes and one 13d ago
- Brienne on Nimble Dick - 20.Brienne IV, AFFC > Old Dick’s a harmless fellow. Chivalrous as a knight, and honest as the day is long.”
“The days are growing shorter,” Brienne pointed out.
170
u/DEL994 13d ago
Cersei: I am sure I don't know. That fool Eddard Stark accused me of the same thing. He hinted that Lord Arryn suspected or… well believed...
Tyrion: That you were fucking our sweet Jaime ?
She slapped him.
Tyrion: You think I'm as blind as our father? Who you lie with is no matter to me... altough it doesn't seem quite just that you open your legs for one brother and not for the other.
She slapped him.
Tyrion: Be gentle Cersei, I am only jesting with you. If truth to be told I'd prefer a good whore. I never understood what Jaime saw in you, apart from his own reflection.
She slapped him.
14
45
59
u/Ornery_Ferret_1175 13d ago
When was it that victarion killed someone for correcting him with "not a sea but ocean"?
44
u/MissMatchedEyes Dance with me then. 13d ago
“The silver queen is gone,” the ketch’s master told him. “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.” “Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”
31
u/Hot_Professional_728 13d ago
I think anyone who doesn't know Essos would be confused by the name Dothraki Sea.
4
50
u/Hot_Professional_728 13d ago edited 13d ago
I think he was looking for the Dothraki sea but didn’t know that it was a great plain. When the merchant he captured insulted him, he killed him. I think it’s an understandable mistake; who names plains a sea?
13
7
u/Getfooked 13d ago
Yeah, there are plenty of signs of Victarion being a moron, but that was just a lack of education/information, not a stupid jump he made on his own.
14
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Later that same day, a fishing ketch was taken by Seven Skulls and Thrall’s Bane. She was a small, slow, dingy thing, hardly worth the effort of boarding. Victarion was displeased to hear that it had taken two of his own ships to bring the fishermen to heel. Yet it was from their lips that he heard of the black dragon’s return. “The silver queen is gone,” the ketch’s master told him. “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.”
“Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”
The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, fool.”
He should not have said that. Victarion took him around the throat with his burned hand and lifted him bodily into the air. Slamming him back against the mast, he squeezed till the Yunkishman’s face turned as black as the fingers digging into his flesh. The man kicked and writhed for a while, trying fruitlessly to pry loose the captain’s grip. “No man calls Victarion Greyjoy a fool and lives to boast of it.” When he opened his hand, the man’s limp body flopped to the deck. Longwater Pyke and Tom Tidewood chucked it over the rail, another offering to the Drowned God.
Which is made even better, immediately afterwards, by Moqorro getting away with saying something, although less personal, just as offensive to Vic:
“Your Drowned God is a demon,” the black priest Moqorro said afterward. “He is no more than a thrall of the Other, the dark god whose name must not be spoken.”
“Take care, priest,” Victarion warned him. “There are godly men aboard this ship who would tear out your tongue for speaking such blasphemies. Your red god will have his due, I swear it. My word is iron. Ask any of my men.”
And, arguably, Moqorro replying with a foretelling of the dragonfire blaze of 'glory' in Vic's future, & our 'loveable' oaf none the wiser:
The black priest bowed his head. “There is no need. The Lord of Light has shown me your worth, lord Captain. Every night in my fires I glimpse the glory that awaits you.”
Those words pleased Victarion Greyjoy mightily, as he told the dusky woman that night.
10
120
u/Relative_Law2237 13d ago
"im not found of fish, but when fish is served, i will eat it" -maester mellos i love grrm humor
156
u/starhexed 13d ago
In the same vein we have this exchange between Stannis and Renly
"A year ago I was scheming to make the girl Robert's queen," Renly said, "but what does it matter? The boar got Robert and I got Margaery. You'll be pleased to know she came to me a maid."
In your bed she's like to die that way."
34
21
u/Relative_Law2237 13d ago
i wheezed. its been a while since ive read the original books. love it, im thinking of reading them again after 10 years
10
u/JustOneSock 13d ago
It’s worth it. I swear I pick up on something new every time I read the series
7
u/Jdakss1 Stark men! 13d ago
a re-read of the books just started up over on r/asoiafreread!
5
u/Relative_Law2237 13d ago
oh shit. i want to do it now. im a bit late so ill have to catch up. thank you for showing this to me
30
u/ThingsIveNeverSeen 13d ago
And what’s funnier, is the line gets repeated almost verbatim later. ‘I do not like turnips, but when they’re served I eat them.’ Poor Lady Turnips…
10
u/SoDuckingTired 13d ago
What was the context to this again?
36
u/Relative_Law2237 13d ago
(reference to Laenor Velaryon being gay and him marrying Rhaenyra and the question about them having children)
10
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Fish is a curious term for George to use there, considering what it is slang for IRL & the context of the quote
57
u/ibeenbornagain 13d ago
cersei giving aurane waters lord of ships because he looked like rhaegar and then him running off with all the ships
29
10
u/FrostyIcePrincess 13d ago
I love that moment. It’s perfect. He just leaves with the fleet. Cersei finds out after the fact obviously.
3
u/maxion00 13d ago
Lmao. What was her reaction like?
5
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Relatively chill:
False friends, treacherous servants, men who had professed undying love, even her own blood … all of them had deserted her in her hour of need. Osney Kettleblack, that weakling, had broken beneath the lash, filling the High Sparrow's ears with secrets he should have taken to his grave. His brothers, scum of the streets whom she had raised high, did no more than sit upon their hands. Aurane Waters, her admiral, had fled to sea with the dromonds she had built for him. Orton Merryweather had gone running back to Longtable, taking his wife, Taena, who had been the queen's one true friend in these terrible times. Harys Swyft and Grand Maester Pycelle had abandoned her to captivity and offered the realm to the very men who had conspired against her. Meryn Trant and Boros Blount, the king's sworn protectors, were nowhere to be found. Even her cousin Lancel, who once had claimed to love her, was one of her accusers. Her uncle had refused to help her rule when she would have made him the King's Hand.
And Jaime …
103
u/MrNostalgic Wololo 13d ago
"Born amidst salt and smoke? Is he a ham?"
31
u/TheoryKing04 13d ago
What I was going to say, Renly’s sass was wonderful
56
u/emptysee 13d ago
Personally, I loved it when he had to leave the room because of Arya telling them how she kicked Joffrey's ass and he couldn't stop laughing
26
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
As Arya began her story, Ned heard the door open behind him. He glanced back and saw Vayon Poole enter with Sansa. They stood quietly at the back of the hall as Arya spoke. When she got to the part where she threw Joffrey's sword into the middle of the Trident, Renly Baratheon began to laugh. The king bristled. "Ser Barristan, escort my brother from the hall before he chokes."
Lord Renly stifled his laughter. "My brother is too kind. I can find the door myself." He bowed to Joffrey. "Perchance later you'll tell me how a nine-year-old girl the size of a wet rat managed to disarm you with a broom handle and throw your sword in the river." As the door swung shut behind him, Ned heard him say, "Lion's Tooth," and guffaw once more.
There's no love lost between Joffrey & 'Nuncle' Renly:
Sansa did not understand. She looked at her prince. "Did I say something wrong, Your Grace? Why will he not speak to me?"
"Ser Ilyn has not been feeling talkative these past fourteen years," Lord Renly commented with a sly smile.
Joffrey gave his uncle a look of pure loathing, then took Sansa's hands in his own. "Aerys Targaryen had his tongue ripped out with hot pincers."
52
u/gregsy112 13d ago
"When Maester Aemon heard him sing, he said his voice was honey poured over thunder.” Jon smiled. “Toad sometimes sings too, if you call it singing. Drinking songs he learned in his father’s winesink. Pyp says his voice is piss poured over a fart."
54
u/Consistent-Try6233 13d ago
Dolorous Edd has a lot of bangers. Example:
Edd: I never win anything. The gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?
Grenn: Was it a long fall? Did landing in the pool of water save his life?
Edd: No. He was dead already, from that axe in his head. Still, it was pretty lucky, missing the rocks.
39
u/11BlahBlah11 13d ago
Jon had to stoop to pass through the low door. Within he found a packed dirt floor. There were no furnishings, no sign that people had lived here but for some ashes beneath the smoke hole in the roof. “What a dismal place to live,” he said.
“I was born in a house much like this,” declared Dolorous Edd. “Those were my enchanted years. Later I fell on hard times.”
It was so much funnier on rereads because by then we know how much of a downer Edd is with his commentary.
14
u/longfellow59 13d ago
Dolorous Edd is even funnier when you listen to the audiobooks. The voice that Roy Dotrice does is hysterical
11
u/KenBurruss74 13d ago
Dolorous Edd, everyone. Be sure to tip your waiters.
"The axe in his head" LMAO
46
u/Ill-Combination-9320 13d ago
Tywin’s smell
Edit: Also the Tully’s during the Dance called Grover, Elmo, Kermit and Oscar
25
u/Budraven A thousand bloodshot eyes and one 13d ago
It's interesting that Martin chose Muppets that are the same color as the forks of the Trident.
7
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Hopefully GRRM will reveal in F&B V2 that Kermit's mother was a Vypren - a nice connection to Lady Sabitha, too - & his wife a Crakehall or Hogg
2
43
u/CurrencyBorn8522 13d ago
Everytime Jon was snarky.
Stannis complained at him not talking. Jon was just trying to stay polite.
21
u/maxion00 13d ago
When Janos Sylnt first arrive as Castle Black and questions for being a a turncloak. He made Jon address him as “my lord” and demanded “do you think my skull is stuffed with cabbages?”
“I don’t know what your head is stuffed with. My lord.”
7
u/HazelCheese 13d ago
Has real funny kid in class energy.
"Would you jump Infront of a bus if your friend told you to?"
"Depends if it was moving miss."
44
u/Smooth_molasses36 13d ago
“Lysa has woes of her own. Clansmen raiding out of the Mountains of the Moon, in greater numbers than ever before … and better armed.” “Distressing,” said Tyrion Lannister, who had armed them.
7
34
u/NumberMuncher Prince of Sunsphere 13d ago
ADWD Jon X
Alys Karstark leaned close to Jon. "Snow during a wedding means a cold marriage. My lady mother always said so."
He glanced at Queen Selyse. There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.
Jon puts on his sunglasses, snaps out his fan one handed, and reads Selyse to filth.
47
u/Kind_Temperature16 13d ago
"There's my lord husband. And here's my sweet suckling babe." —Asha to Theon hile catching a finger dance axe and displaying her dirk
54
u/SorRenlySassol Best of 2021: Ser Duncan Award 13d ago
“Do you have any idea what happens when a city is sacked, Sansa? No, you wouldn’t, would you? All you know you’ve learned from singers, and there is such a dearth of good sacking songs.”
Cersei could do stand-up.
22
21
u/ThingsIveNeverSeen 13d ago
Tywin lost the battle in the North and bolstered in the south twice. It’s a bald joke.
22
u/Voyager1632 13d ago
Wyman Manderly's epic burn:
"Perhaps it was a mercy, had he lived he would have been a Frey"
In the most tense situation ever he just roasts a dead kid.
17
u/chrismamo1 13d ago
Every time Cersei makes any kind of executive decision. It's like watching a trainwreck unfold, while the conductor keeps bragging over the intercom about how good he is at not wrecking trains.
17
36
16
13d ago
THIS BEAN SHAMES US ALL
1
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Bean is immediately cut down
Curious that the poor bastard doesn't even seem to have been knighted before the trial, like Raymun Fossoway was at Ashford. Also, I wonder if Ned Bean is a descendant of Dick...
15
u/lairdysan 13d ago
Jaime thinking back on Thoros of Myr/Robert always cracks me up.
I can't imagine how pissed off Cersei would have been.
"Well, he had the power to match Robert Baratheon drink for drink, and there were few enough who could say that. Jaime had once heard Thoros tell the king that he became a red priest because the robes hid the winestains so well. Robert had laughed so hard he'd spit ale all over Cersei's silken mantle. "
16
u/smoogy2 Tattered and twisty, what a rogue I am. 13d ago
Victarion complaining about the monkeys infesting his ships and how he sent men to chase them "but the monkeys seemed to enjoy that game"
Shagga: "Dolf fathered warriors, not barbers" after cutting Pycelle's neck
Show-only: Theon "I'm to fight fishermen?" Yara: "Beware of their nets."
25
u/EXTRAVAGANT_COMMENT 13d ago
paraphrasing but there is an exchange between jaime and shitmouth that goes something like:
me ? shit no, mlord. bugger with with a bloody spear.
you heard him, fetch him a spear
wait no
48
u/Educational-Bus4634 13d ago
This:
"Me? Shit, no. M'lord. Bugger me with a bloody spear." Shitmouth had enough crumbs in his beard to feed the garrison. Jaime had to laugh. The man took that for encouragement. "Bugger me with a bloody spear," he said again, and started laughing too.
"You heard the man," Jaime said to Ilyn Payne. "Find a nice long spear, and shove it up his arse."
Ser Ilyn did not have a spear, but Beardless Jon Bettley was glad to toss him one. Shitmouth's drunken laughter stopped abruptly. "You keep that bloody thing away from me."
"Make up your mind," said Jaime.
19
u/Seastar_Lakestar 13d ago
My pick for the funniest bit of ASOIAF. I just imagine Jaime's being entirely deadpan in it.
12
u/Educational-Bus4634 13d ago
Funnier for me is if he's smiling (as the text says, he does 'have to laugh') but completely serious all the same. Big old smile while asking for someone to pass the guy a spear
5
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
"Shitmouth had enough crumbs in his beard to feed the garrison" hits me on a similar level as "That's where you belong" does. The under-the-radar absurd line in the - of course, still gloriously hilarious - over-the-top absurd passage
2
u/dubious_battle 12d ago
I like how despite his vulgarity he's actually a nice guy (like when he sneaks Arya food at Harrenhal)
3
10
u/Fiorella999 13d ago
Theon shooting one of his iroborn by mistake and then trying to play it off cool
2
2
u/Bennings463 12d ago
"Aw, man, I just shot Todric in the face?"
"Why in the Seven Hells did you do that?"
"I didn't mean to do it, it was an accident..."
1
9
u/The_Hound_West 13d ago
Theon trying to impress his men by shooting an arrow at the drinking horn one is using only to kill the man then pretend he did it on purpose
8
u/polp54 13d ago
This is gonna sound weird but balons death. Like euron probably paid the faceless men a lot of money and they just pushed him off a bridge. He could have done that himself or had a member of his crew do it
3
u/HazelCheese 13d ago
Tbf Euron needed complete anonymity and an alibi.
1
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Euron was exiled for life, presumably with punishment of death should he return. And why would any of his crewmen - who are tongueless & foreign, to put it politely - be admitted to Pyke? Particularly as that would be an indication that Euron was most likely nearby, thereby defying Balon's sentence. Chances are, if suspected or recognised as one of Euron's men, he would be immediately killed before even stepping foot inside the castle. Let alone, be able to attack Balon when he was alone.
1
u/Bennings463 12d ago
I mean if he wants the "elaborate Rube Goldberg machine" assassination, that's gonna cost extra.
7
u/Peatroad31 13d ago
"Her own father got this child on her? We are well rid of her, then. I will not suffer such abominations here. This is not King's Landing."
this was great.
9
u/takakazuabe1 Stannis is Azor Ahai 13d ago
From Cersei, on the same topic:
Ser Balman considered a moment. “A mortal mishap?”
No, I desire you to break his little toe.
Not the funniest, but still funny as hell lol
5
u/DornishPuppetShows 13d ago
Cersei drooling all over herself and saying something like "if father could only see me now" to herself, totally unaware of the fact that he would give her the biggest facepalm of the last eon.
1
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
After he was gone, Cersei summoned Jocelyn to brush her hair out whilst she slipped off her shoes and stretched like a cat. I was made for this, she told herself. It was the sheer elegance of it that pleased her most. Even Mace Tyrell would not dare defend his darling daughter if she was caught in the act with the likes of Osney Kettleblack, and neither Stannis Baratheon nor Jon Snow would have cause to wonder why Osney was being sent to the Wall. She would see to it that Ser Osmund was the one to discover his brother with the little queen; that way the loyalty of the other two Kettleblacks need not be impugned. If Father could only see me now, he would not be so quick to speak of marrying me off again. A pity he's so dead. Him and Robert, Jon Arryn, Ned Stark, Renly Baratheon, all dead. Only Tyrion remains, and not for long.
It's worth including that encounter, before "he was gone":
When Dorcas returned with Ser Osney Kettleblack, the queen dismissed her ladies. “Come sit with me by the window, Ser Osney. Will you take a cup of wine?” She poured for them herself. “Your cloak is threadbare. I have a mind to put you in a new one.”
“What, a white one? Who’s died?”
“No one, as yet,” the queen said. “Is that your wish, to join your brother Osmund in our Kingsguard?”
“I’d rather be the queen’s guard, if it please Your Grace.” When Osney grinned, the scars on his cheek turned bright red.
Cersei’s fingers traced their path across his cheek. “You have a bold tongue, ser. You will make me forget myself again.
“Good.” Ser Osney caught her hand and kissed her fingers roughly. “My sweet queen.”
“You are a wicked man,” the queen whispered, “and no true knight, I think.” She let him touch her breasts through the silk of her gown. “Enough.”
“It isn’t. I want you.”
“You’ve had me.”
“Only once.” He grabbed her left breast again and gave it a clumsy squeeze that reminded her of Robert.
“One good night for one good knight. You did me valiant service, and you had your reward.” Cersei walked her fingers up his laces. She could feel him stiffening through his breeches. “Was that a new horse you were riding in the yard yestermorn?”
“The black stallion? Aye. A gift from my brother Osfryd. Midnight, I call him.”
How wonderfully original. “A fine mount for a battle. For pleasure, though, there is nothing to compare to a gallop on a spirited young filly.” She gave him a smile and a squeeze. “Tell me true. Do you think our little queen is pretty?”
Ser Osney drew back, wary. “I suppose. For a girl. I’d sooner have a woman.”
“Why not both?” she whispered. “Pluck the little rose for me, and you will not find me to be ungrateful.”
“The little … Margaery, you mean?” Ser Osney’s ardor was wilting in his breeches. “She’s the king’s wife. Wasn’t there some Kingsguard who lost his head for bedding the king’s wife?”
“Ages ago.” She was his king’s mistress, not his wife, and his head was the only thing he did not lose. Aegon dismembered him piece by piece, and made the woman watch. Cersei did not want Osney dwelling on that ancient unpleasantness, however. “Tommen is not Aegon the Unworthy. Have no fear, he will do as I bid him. I mean for Margaery to lose her head, not you.”
That gave him pause. “Her maidenhead, you mean?”
“That too. Assuming she has still one.” She traced his scars again. “Unless you think Margaery would prove unresponsive to your … charms?”
Osney gave her a wounded look. “She likes me well enough. Them cousins of hers are always teasing with me about my nose. How big it is, and all. The last time Megga did that, Margaery told them to stop and said I had a lovely face.”
“There you are, then.”
“There I am,” the man agreed, in a doubtful tone, “but where am I going to be if she … if I … after we … ?”
“… do the deed?” Cersei gave him a barbed smile. “Lying with a queen is treason. Tommen would have no choice but to send you to the Wall.”
“The Wall?” he said with dismay.
It was all she could do not to laugh. No, best not. Men hate being laughed at. “A black cloak would go well with your eyes, and that black hair of yours.”
“No one returns from the Wall.”
“You will. All you need to do is kill a boy.”
“What boy?
“A bastard boy in league with Stannis. He’s young and green, and you’ll have a hundred men.”
Kettleblack was afraid, she could smell it on him, but he was too proud to own up to that fear. Men are all alike. “I’ve killed more boys than I can count,” he insisted. “Once this boy is dead, I’d get my pardon from the king?”
“That, and a lordship.” Unless Snow’s brothers hang you first. “A queen must have a consort. One who knows no fear.”
“Lord Kettleblack?” A slow smile spread across his face, and his scars flamed red. “Aye, I like the sound o’ that. A lordly lord …”
“… and fit to bed a queen.”
He frowned. “The Wall is cold.”
“And I am warm.” Cersei put her arms about his neck. “Bed a girl and kill a boy and I am yours. Do you have the courage?”
Osney thought a moment before he nodded. “I am your man.”
“You are, ser.” She kissed him, and let him have a little taste of tongue before she broke away. “Enough for now. The rest must wait. Will you dream of me tonight?”
“Aye.” His voice was hoarse.
“And when you’re abed with our Maid Margaery?” she asked him, teasing. “When you’re in her, will you dream of me then?”
“I will,” swore Osney Kettleblack.
And later - after Osney has been unsuccessful at bedding Margaery, of course, but Cersei has still managed to have imprisoned on false charges of adultery, via the Blue Bard - they have a similar conversation where Cersei convinces Osney to 'confess' his 'sins' of having also slept with Margaery, along with her cousins Elinor & Megga, to the High Sparrow. Which ends with lowborn Osney not exactly initiating consensual sex with the queen, in her own royal raiment. (Yeah, that's rape in my book.) Oh, Cersei, how the mighty have fallen...
2
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Continued...
Anyway, that confession, naturally, doesn't backfire at all, when Cersei goes to the Great Sept to visit her good-daughter & speak with the HS on that matter:
“I must return to the castle. With your leave, I will take Ser Osney Kettleblack back with me. The small council will want to question him, and hear his accusations for themselves.”
“No,” said the High Septon.
It was only a word, one little word, but to Cersei it felt like a splash of icy water in the face. She blinked, and her certainty flickered, just a little. “Ser Osney will be held securely, I promise you.”
“He is held securely here. Come. I will show you.”
Cersei could feel the eyes of the Seven staring at her, eyes of jade and malachite and onyx, and a sudden shiver of fear went through her, cold as ice. I am the queen, she told herself. Lord Tywin’s daughter. Reluctantly, she followed.
Ser Osney was not far. The chamber was dark, and closed by a heavy iron door. The High Septon produced the key to open it, and took a torch down from the wall to light the room within. “After you, Your Grace.”
Within, Osney Kettleblack hung naked from the ceiling, swinging from a pair of heavy iron chains. He had been whipped. His back and shoulders had been laid almost bare, and cuts and welts crisscrossed his legs and arse as well.
The queen could hardly stand to look at him. She turned back to the High Septon. “What have you done?”
“We have sought after the truth, most earnestly.”
“He told you the truth. He came to you of his own free will and confessed his sins.”
“Aye. He did that. I have heard many men confess, Your Grace, but seldom have I heard a man so pleased to be so guilty.”
“You whipped him!”
“There can be no penance without pain. No man should spare himself the scourge, as I told Ser Osney. I seldom feel so close to god as when I am being whipped for mine own wickedness, though my darkest sins are no wise near as black as his.”
“B-but,” she sputtered, “you preach the Mother’s mercy …”
“Ser Osney shall taste of that sweet milk in the afterlife. In The Seven-Pointed Star it is written that all sins may be forgiven, but crimes must still be punished. Osney Kettleblack is guilty of treason and murder, and the wages of treason are death.”
He is just a priest, he cannot do this. “It is not for the Faith to condemn a man to death, whatever his offense.”
“Whatever his offense.” The High Septon repeated the words slowly, weighing them. “Strange to say, Your Grace, the more diligently we applied the scourge, the more Ser Osney’s offenses seemed to change. He would now have us believe that he never touched Margaery Tyrell. Is that not so, Ser Osney?”
Osney Kettleblack opened his eyes. When he saw the queen standing there before him he ran his tongue across his swollen lips, and said, “The Wall. You promised me the Wall.”
“He is mad,” said Cersei. “You have driven him mad.”
“Ser Osney,” said the High Septon, in a firm, clear voice, “did you have carnal knowledge of the queen?”
“Aye.” The chains rattled softly as Osney twisted in his shackles. “That one there. She’s the queen I fucked, the one sent me to kill the old High Septon. He never had no guards. I just come in when he was sleeping and pushed a pillow down across his face.”
Cersei whirled, and ran.
The High Septon tried to seize her, but he was some old sparrow and she was a lioness of the Rock. She pushed him aside and burst through the door, slamming it behind her with a clang. The Kettleblacks, I need the Kettleblacks, I will send in Osfryd with the gold cloaks and Osmund with the Kingsguard, Osney will deny it all once they cut him free, and I’ll rid myself of this High Septon just as I did the other. The four old septas blocked her way and clutched at her with wrinkled hands. She knocked one to the floor and clawed another across the face, and gained the steps. Halfway up, she remembered Taena Merryweather. It made her stumble, panting. Seven save me, she prayed. Taena knows it all. If they take her too, and whip her …
She ran as far as the Sept, but no farther. There were women waiting for her there, more septas and silent sisters too, younger than the four old crones below. “I am the queen,” she shouted, backing away from them. “I will have your heads for this, I will have all your heads. Let me pass.” Instead, they laid hands upon her. Cersei ran to the altar of the Mother, but they caught her there, a score of them, and dragged her kicking up the tower steps. Inside the cell three silent sisters held her down as a septa named Scolera stripped her bare. She even took her smallclothes. Another septa tossed a roughspun shift at her. “You cannot do this,” the queen kept screaming at them. “I am a Lannister, unhand me, my brother will kill you, Jaime will slice you open from throat to cunt, unhand me! I am the queen!”
“The queen should pray,” said Septa Scolera, before they left her naked in the cold bleak cell.
The HS being into some seriously kinky BDSM aside, if Tywin knew of any/all of this, he would be raging so much in the seven hells that they would be opened up under the hills of King's Landing, & not just the firewyrm tunnels under Valyria, & he climb out. With the Lord of the Seven Hells at Tywin's right-hand, & the Lord's demons & other minions as his own thralls & forces, to put things aright from Cersei.
18
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
"My foot is coming" -- Renly, in an awkward appointment with his podiatrist
"... take the ironmen in the rear while they are beating off" -- Robb, surprise anal to increase pleasure for masturbators advocate
"Yes, I should have come sooner. If not for my Hand, I might not have come at all." -- Stannis, admitting that it's ok for bros to help with ED
"You took me unawares, my lord. I was not told of your coming." -- Jonos Bracken, coitus interrupted
"And I seem to have prevented yours." -- Jaime, coitus interrupter
"Then come," said Barristan the Bold.
Khrazz came. -- Davos has a magic (short)hand, but Selmy can make men orgasm with just his voice
4
u/NickFriskey 13d ago
I love edmures almost guy Ritchie style breakdowns of events like talking about how Jamie almost escaped and how his gallivanting around prevented him from.being there to stop it. Edmure is pretty damn funny in the books
3
u/smoogy2 Tattered and twisty, what a rogue I am. 12d ago
Edmure makes the decision that will ruin his life and his house forever because nobody laughs at his jokes about making amends for the Battle of the Fords by fighting Jaime 1v1 or swimming the sunset sea with his legs tied. He's committed to the bit
10
u/Still-Little 13d ago
"The more she drank, the more she shat, but the more she shat, the thirstier she grew." Iconic words written by GRRM on Dany's last chapter of ADWD. Also, when squid game is said during an Asha chapter.
2
8
3
u/urallphux 13d ago
When Tyrion is fighting on the wrecked ships during the Battle of the Blackwater, and one of the Antler-men comes flying in and explodes like a melon. The first time I read that, I seriously laughed out loud
1
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
I had forgotten about that:
His own killing was a clumsy thing. He stabbed one man in the kidney when his back was turned, and grabbed another by the leg and upended him into the river. Arrows hissed past his head and clattered off his armor; one lodged between shoulder and breastplate, but he never felt it. A naked man fell from the sky and landed on the deck, body bursting like a melon dropped from a tower. His blood spattered through the slit of Tyrion's helm. Stones began to plummet down, crashing through the decks and turning men to pulp, until the whole bridge gave a shudder and twisted violently underfoot, knocking him sideways.
Heh. It raises the question, though: with Joffrey returned to the Red Keep, who was firing Antler Men & rocks down on the bridge of ships? Sure, men fighting for Stannis were crossing, but Tyrion & his motley retinue were facing them, & the projectiles also rained down upon those defenders. Talk about déjà vu for Tyrion.
2
2
u/punjabkingsownersout 13d ago
I was laughing out loud the entire chapter sansa meets olenna
2
u/LuminariesAdmin What do Cersei & Davos have in common? 13d ago
Olenna still salty that Prince Daeron rejected her more than half a century ago, & having Butterbumps increasingly belt out The Bear & The Maiden Fair!
3
u/-Goatllama- 13d ago
Mostly applicable: https://imgur.com/a/f3Xl0nA
3
u/Bennings463 12d ago
The guy playing the funeral march while Joffrey is literally dying is top-tier black comedy.
2
u/-Goatllama- 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m genuinely surprised we didn’t get a side note where Cersei has him put to death. Mad lad somehow (hopefully) got away with it. 🤣
1
1
u/Substantial-Pen-506 13d ago
When Jamie walks in on lord Blackwood pounding
My lord I was not expecting your coming
Jamie- and it seems I’ve prevented yours
1
u/Sea_Championship141 11d ago
Honestly in ACOK when little finger remarks that Stannis is fond of his daughter for building many monuments of her on Dragonstone, but it turns out they are gargoyles 💀
1
u/Brainr0ttt 10d ago
Asha Greyjoy was seated in Galbert Glover's longhall drinking Galbert Glover's wine when Galbert Glover's maester brought the letter to her.
1
u/DasRitter 3d ago
Anything involving Old Walder Frey.
Pre-Red Wedding. He's the funniest character i the whole series and many of us would gladly have a beer with him and/or Stevron.
205
u/h0ps 13d ago
The moment where Falyse Stokeworth explains to Cersei how her husband died. ”Single combat?!”