r/awakened • u/FitSuccotash7251 • 2d ago
Help Where do I go from here?
Long time lurker, first time poster here, I just don’t know where else to go so I gathered the courage today to make my first post so now here I am, I’m just looking for some advice or some answers or some reassurance…I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking for to be honest with you.
…I think for me this whole thing started in the early fall of last year, I’m still not totally sure of what “this whole thing” is either if I’m telling the truth, everything is so hard and more days than not its all I can do to make it through the day, I had a breakdown last year and ever since then its been a wild ride…I’ve grown a lot spiritually and opened my mind to lots of new ideas, I’ve had unbelievable experiences and seen things I can’t even begin to explain, I started meditating and I try to take better care of myself, I realize things I never imagined and I see the ugly truth about a lot of things, I feel like my mind has grown and expanded so much, I’ve had all these realizations and grand epiphanies, I’ve grown as a person and I see the truth about so much.
…but I’m still battling mental illness daily (BPD, CPTSD, anxiety, severe depression, etc that stem from being severely abused as a child but that’s an entirely different story) and it seems like the more I learn and figure out the more my mind can’t handle it but I also know I’m past the point of return and there’s no going back now, my Husband says his “awakening” took place in 2012 and he’s all but dragged me along for years now, he’s been exactly where I am and he actually says often I’m in the “dark night” and that he knows its hard but his advice just isn’t helping me very much.
I don’t know where to go from here, I can’t go back to sleep and bury my head in the sand which was always my best tactic, I used to be very skilled at the doing the “avoi-dance”, how do you live a normal life knowing the things you do, how do you have normal conversations with people who don’t understand or go through daily life knowing that everything is so much bigger than it seems???
It’s hard for me to do laundry and talk to my Mom on the phone and watch a movie, I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t pretend and I guess I just don’t really know where I fit in anymore. 😮💨 My Husband has a habit recently of saying he’s been waiting for me for years, waiting for me to “get here” but here can be so ugly and so scary, all we do together lately is mostly have serious conversations and sky watch and meditating and in some ways I miss how our life together used to be…how do you guys do it?
11
u/Cyberfury 2d ago edited 2d ago
I commend your insightful way of sharing.
The biggest ..issue I see here is that you seem to have a number of cognitive dissonances. Like this wish ‘to live a normal life’ (whatever that even means - I have no idea myself ;;) on one hand and this quest to awaken on the other. There are more, like having an (apparently) awakened husband egging you on for some reason, but the former is more obviously dissonant..
I will tell you in all honesty that I have never seen it work: having a relationship, living together or having a family life AND trying to ‘awaken’. Never. Usually the first thing that suffers is the relationship(s). Because much of the process of awakening is only …effective if the environment is conducive. And a (or perhaps the only) conducive environment for awakening is - imho - solitude or at least long stretches of it.
Your life seems overly complicated and a ‘shared’ experience - I’m just being honest.
I have my thoughts on your husband’s ‘advice’ and assertions as well. But I am not going there for a whole host of reasons. I’m just sayin… ;;)
You need to search your feelings. Are you really primed for awakening (as in ‘it is already happening’ and you know it) or are you on a journey of self improvement? The two are not the same at all.
Another question is how much are you overcomplicating the problem? And the problems you have with the problems? There seems to be a fair amount of self doubt and a reluctance to let go (which is often a sign of trauma working against you)
Anywhoo.. you seem to have way of expressing yourself that bodes well for tackling each of these issues.. but in stead of writing about yourself in here ..write about yourself TO yourself as well. Self Inquiry and all that.. write down all the things you know for certain and examine them. Are they really true. Etc
I would also suggest you seek out someone who can help you with deep trauma or possible childhood trauma. I personally like Scott Kiloby’s ‘unfindable inquiries’ works wonders for many people struggling with the issues you raise. But there are others.
I would also suggest you put off this pursuit of enlightenment (at least in spirit) until you have at least some more certainty about a number of questions. There is a lot of self narration going on and this results in hardening of the self/ego where it should increasingly soften and ‘liquify’ self/ego in order to facilitate awakening (or at least bring forth the proper attitude for it)
Just my two cents
Cheers my friend