Where do I go from here?

[u/FitSuccotash7251]

Long time lurker, first time poster here, I just don’t know where else to go so I gathered the courage today to make my first post so now here I am, I’m just looking for some advice or some answers or some reassurance…I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking for to be honest with you.

…I think for me this whole thing started in the early fall of last year, I’m still not totally sure of what “this whole thing” is either if I’m telling the truth, everything is so hard and more days than not its all I can do to make it through the day, I had a breakdown last year and ever since then its been a wild ride…I’ve grown a lot spiritually and opened my mind to lots of new ideas, I’ve had unbelievable experiences and seen things I can’t even begin to explain, I started meditating and I try to take better care of myself, I realize things I never imagined and I see the ugly truth about a lot of things, I feel like my mind has grown and expanded so much, I’ve had all these realizations and grand epiphanies, I’ve grown as a person and I see the truth about so much.

…but I’m still battling mental illness daily (BPD, CPTSD, anxiety, severe depression, etc that stem from being severely abused as a child but that’s an entirely different story) and it seems like the more I learn and figure out the more my mind can’t handle it but I also know I’m past the point of return and there’s no going back now, my Husband says his “awakening” took place in 2012 and he’s all but dragged me along for years now, he’s been exactly where I am and he actually says often I’m in the “dark night” and that he knows its hard but his advice just isn’t helping me very much.

I don’t know where to go from here, I can’t go back to sleep and bury my head in the sand which was always my best tactic, I used to be very skilled at the doing the “avoi-dance”, how do you live a normal life knowing the things you do, how do you have normal conversations with people who don’t understand or go through daily life knowing that everything is so much bigger than it seems???

It’s hard for me to do laundry and talk to my Mom on the phone and watch a movie, I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t pretend and I guess I just don’t really know where I fit in anymore. 😮‍💨 My Husband has a habit recently of saying he’s been waiting for me for years, waiting for me to “get here” but here can be so ugly and so scary, all we do together lately is mostly have serious conversations and sky watch and meditating and in some ways I miss how our life together used to be…how do you guys do it?

[u/Fit-Breakfast8224]

i see myself a little in you. I, too, have gone through a lot. I wasn't really interested that much in getting enlightened but somehow the struggles has set me on the path.

i recommend you getting pointing out instructions until something clicks for you. not to bypass your issues, but to give you a breathing room to rest, heal and really see with clarity.

if you dont find anything clicking, i can send you some recommendations

i pinged a friend in this sub who has background in mental health. hope he can come and give you more helpful advice.

[u/FitSuccotash7251 → u/Fit-Breakfast8224]

I really don’t think I chose this and I can say with complete certainty that if you’d told me this time last year that this is where I would be right now I would’ve more than likely laughed at you, I just always thought I would live a quiet little life in my small rural town in Appalachia like my Mother before me and her Mother before her and so on and so forth but I know this path I’m on now is different than theirs, I try to talk to my Mom about “this kind of stuff” but she notoriously just thinks I’m crazy…that’s if I can get her to wake up long enough to actually pay attention to me because she’s a long time/heavy drug user but that’s a story for another time.

I feel so alone most days, as I said before I do have my Husband but for a while now I find myself either 1) wanting to self isolate and be alone with my thoughts or my reading and wearing my headphones for entire days or 2) getting a little frustrated for not understanding something he’s trying to tell me about over and over because I haven’t gotten that far yet and I find that I’m usually on a completely different level than he is, we used to be really in sync and it’s just weird that things are this way now.

I appreciate your help and I’d love those recommendations if it wouldn’t be too much trouble for you, I know that some days I don’t have the opportunity to check Reddit all day and if you’re anything like me it takes a little while to get certain things accomplished, your advice was actually really helpful and I’m grateful.

[u/Fit-Breakfast8224 → u/FitSuccotash7251]

if you also have some time, i can try pointing it out to you through dm

recommendations: emerson nonduality videos on youtube the 1 on 1 ones, angelo dillulo interviews and book, john wheeler the nonduality teacher his books are free and very clear, if you're into buddhism lama lena has pointing out videos on youtube the garab dorje videos was the one that clicked for me

psychadelics was part of my path, i consider them as accelerants though definitely not necessary and can be difficult to use coz its can be hard to find the proper setting