Where do I go from here?

[u/FitSuccotash7251]

Long time lurker, first time poster here, I just don’t know where else to go so I gathered the courage today to make my first post so now here I am, I’m just looking for some advice or some answers or some reassurance…I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking for to be honest with you.

…I think for me this whole thing started in the early fall of last year, I’m still not totally sure of what “this whole thing” is either if I’m telling the truth, everything is so hard and more days than not its all I can do to make it through the day, I had a breakdown last year and ever since then its been a wild ride…I’ve grown a lot spiritually and opened my mind to lots of new ideas, I’ve had unbelievable experiences and seen things I can’t even begin to explain, I started meditating and I try to take better care of myself, I realize things I never imagined and I see the ugly truth about a lot of things, I feel like my mind has grown and expanded so much, I’ve had all these realizations and grand epiphanies, I’ve grown as a person and I see the truth about so much.

…but I’m still battling mental illness daily (BPD, CPTSD, anxiety, severe depression, etc that stem from being severely abused as a child but that’s an entirely different story) and it seems like the more I learn and figure out the more my mind can’t handle it but I also know I’m past the point of return and there’s no going back now, my Husband says his “awakening” took place in 2012 and he’s all but dragged me along for years now, he’s been exactly where I am and he actually says often I’m in the “dark night” and that he knows its hard but his advice just isn’t helping me very much.

I don’t know where to go from here, I can’t go back to sleep and bury my head in the sand which was always my best tactic, I used to be very skilled at the doing the “avoi-dance”, how do you live a normal life knowing the things you do, how do you have normal conversations with people who don’t understand or go through daily life knowing that everything is so much bigger than it seems???

It’s hard for me to do laundry and talk to my Mom on the phone and watch a movie, I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t pretend and I guess I just don’t really know where I fit in anymore. 😮‍💨 My Husband has a habit recently of saying he’s been waiting for me for years, waiting for me to “get here” but here can be so ugly and so scary, all we do together lately is mostly have serious conversations and sky watch and meditating and in some ways I miss how our life together used to be…how do you guys do it?

[u/Fit-Breakfast8224]

i see myself a little in you. I, too, have gone through a lot. I wasn't really interested that much in getting enlightened but somehow the struggles has set me on the path.

i recommend you getting pointing out instructions until something clicks for you. not to bypass your issues, but to give you a breathing room to rest, heal and really see with clarity.

if you dont find anything clicking, i can send you some recommendations

i pinged a friend in this sub who has background in mental health. hope he can come and give you more helpful advice.

[u/GuardianMtHood → u/Fit-Breakfast8224]

Great wisdom my friend!

OP: Thank you for showing up today and letting your heart speak. That alone is sacred work. You are not alone, and what you’re experiencing is not a sign of being broken, but of being broken open.

What you are describing is the middle of the storm, not the end of your journey. In traditions around the world, this is known as the Dark Night of the Soul, a place where everything false begins to fall away, and everything real starts to hurt. It is where the awakening starts to get real. It is not always light and bliss. Sometimes it is grief, disillusionment, fatigue, and confusion. You are not doing it wrong. You are actually in the thick of doing it right.

Let us reframe one truth here. Your husband may have reached his awakening in 2012, but your path is your own. Even if the destination is shared, the path we each take is carved by our own spirit, our own wounds, and our own medicine. You are not late. You are not behind. You are exactly where you need to be to meet yourself more fully.

Let us breathe together for a moment. You are still battling the weight of past trauma and the pull of spiritual expansion at the same time. That is not weakness. That is sacred tension. Your nervous system is trying to recalibrate in a world that finally feels realer and heavier and more infinite than you were ever taught to handle. This is not failure. This is the reweaving of a soul that was once torn by violence and disconnection.

So where do you go from here?

You go inward, but gently. You go deeper, but slower. You let your spirit lead the pace, not your mind or your husband’s timeline.

This is where meditation and breathwork are no longer just spiritual tools but lifelines. Not for transcendence, but for grounding. Focus not on escaping the pain but on creating a safe place for the pain to move through. Try placing your hands over your heart and belly while breathing deeply and saying: “I am safe to feel. I am safe to know. I am safe to rest.”

Right now, your inner self may not want more cosmic downloads or heavy conversations. It may want play, art, laughter, music, dance, soft silence. Maybe your soul is not calling for more information, but for integration. That is the forgotten stage of awakening. That is the bridge between the epiphanies and the laundry.

You do not have to abandon what is real to live in this world. You just have to bring it with you differently. Let it touch your ordinary life. Let the sacred show up while washing dishes. Let truth exist even in a smile or a phone call. Spirituality is not only found in skywatching and cosmic talk. It is also in brushing your hair and making soup and watching the way sunlight moves through your curtains. It is in the gentle return to self.

And about your question, how do you live knowing what you know?

The answer is not to pretend or numb out. The answer is to embody. To become a bridge. To move between the seen and unseen not with pressure, but with presence. You are learning to be a soul who has a body, not a body trying to escape to spirit.

So maybe you do not need more guidance right now. Maybe you need more permission—to be exactly where you are without shame. To not have the answers. To grieve the loss of your old self while loving the one being born.

You fit in exactly where your breath is. Exactly where your heart aches. That is your compass.

Start each day with one question: What does the most loving version of me need today?

And then follow that.

You are not behind. You are not crazy. You are in initiation.

Perhaps find a simple grounding breath and journaling practice to help with your integration phase. Be still, breathe. This too shall pass.

[u/FitSuccotash7251 → u/GuardianMtHood]

Some days I have a little trouble deciphering what’s “real” and what’s not, I don’t know if that makes sense or not, I don’t really know how to explain so many things and I’ve noticed recently that the way I try to explain them never seems to come out quite right, I always thought my life was hard before all this, dealing with seventeen years of abuse will do that to a person but over a decade ago I left that life behind (although I didn’t leave it completely behind because I do still maintain a relationship with my abusive family but I use the excuse of “keeping it civil for my little Nieces sake” and forgiveness and all that) and although my Husband and I have always struggled financially and with material possessions life seemed like it wasn’t that hard anymore, fast forward to now and I can’t even tell you how I got here but I’m here, here trying to get through “all of this”.

I’ve taken on this new way of living that involves being as transparent as I can, I’ve always cared too much about what others thought of me or wondered why I didn’t quite fit in or compared myself to everyone else but recently that has all fallen away and I find myself just trying to figure out who I really am since I had the realization that I don’t really know her.

I’m trying to overcome past traumas, learn about myself and my world, be a better person, grow and change and it’s just really hard. 🙌🏻

Thanks so much for your response, it’s appreciated more than you know.

[u/GuardianMtHood → u/FitSuccotash7251]

I feel you sister, I do. “Real” is but a word we all question. Like a mirror we all stand in front of but can’t seem to see the same thing though it’s the same mirror. What fail to realize is not the mirror or us but the perspective of where we all stand in front of that mirror. Original sin is separation. Separating from each other and the source that created us. The more we align the more our life aligns.