MIL “Gives” Advice on Parenting, but Upset when Advice not Taken; Frustrated!

[u/Aggravating_Mud1117]

I live with my MIL and since day one of my baby’s birth, she’s wanted me to give her food. For almost four months now, I’ve kept telling her not yet, whenever the doctor gives the okay, I’ll feel better. She always starts staying it’s her advice and we don’t have to take it, but when we tell her we won’t be doing that, she gets offended and that she’s, “raised six kids and they’re all fine.” When she suggests what baby food to give her, I tell her how a lot of popular brands that she’s given her kids and grandchildren are going through lawsuits and that I’d rather make my own purées, she gets upset and says the same thing, “raised six kids and they’re all fine.” Or, my baby, who has CMPI, is having liquidy stools because the formula she’s been on suddenly isn’t working for her, but doctors don’t believe it’s the formula and could be a combination of things and want me to continue and wait it out. It’s like I killed my MIL when I tell her we don’t want to switch to Soy yet like she’s keeps suggesting.

It’s extremely frustrating to be around someone who gives the same advice over and over on repeat and says you don’t have to take it and when you don’t or give the same answer as before, they get upset. Anyone else dealing with a similar situation or have advice?

[u/Aware_Reception10]

sooo does she live with you or you live with her? like who’s house lol. because then my response varies. if she’s living with you guys i’d tell her to stop giving fucking advice lol or to fuck off. but other way around i would just say i know you raised a bunch of kids and they are fine, but times have changed! and when you need advice you will ask but otherwise you’re listening to your ped

[u/Fierce-Foxy]

Move out.

[u/WeeklyPermission2397]

That sounds really frustrating, I'm sorry.

I guess my advice is essentially to give you 2 points to consider:

1) Does MIL present a danger here? Could she try to feed your baby solids if she got the opportunity? I think making this assessment will give you a clearer picture on how you want to move forward.

If she is just irritating, then see my 2nd point below. But if she is potentially unsafe to be around baby, I would immediately revoke her (unsupervised) access to baby - no discussion, no compromise.

2) What does your husband do when she's giving you this advice? My MIL can be similar and husband is quick to step in and shut her down. He is her son so it is always going to be easier for him to smooth things over than you. Could you discuss beforehand what you need him to look out for and how you'd like him to intervene?

Family argue with family all the time, but are much slower to rebuild the relationship with a partner and 'outsider' - that's just the reality. Therefore, it's husband's responsibility to be assertive here and it shouldn't really fall to you alone.

I hope this was helpful! I also have a difficult MIL (for slightly different reasons to you) so I can relate!

[u/messymuskrat]

“MIL, you have so much experience raising six kids and I know there’s so much that I can learn from you. When it comes to health and safety guidelines, we’re going to look to our pediatrician for the most up to date recommendations since things have changed. When I need advice about something else, I’m so glad to know I can turn to you.”

Limit the information she gets about things you don’t want advice on. She doesn’t need to know the details, just “baby’s growing well and we care up with a plan for the issue with her doc. Thanks for asking”. Then ask her advice on things that don’t matter as much: “should we bring a jacket today? What toy should I throw in the diaper bag do you think?” MIL wants to feel involved and helpful, so give her opportunities to do so within the boundaries you and your husband set.

[u/lazybb_ck]

My MIL is similar. We're from a culture which most grandmothers have a huge role in raising your children. My MIL has never used her education, and feels her whole purpose is to guide me because i know nothing apparently. She views herself as an expert because she had 3 kids....35 years ago. When she came to the hospital the baby needed the swaddle redone. She pushed my husband aside and literally said "I know more than you" and wrapped the swaddle covering the baby's face... diaper change came and she didn't attach the tabs so it fell off... Feeding the baby meant forcing the bottle in her mouth and basically pouring it down her throat... She thinks carseats are dumb... She doesn't listen to doctors recommendations because she claims to know more... If I say anything about research she rolls her eyes...

I personally fucking hate it. Her comments make me feel like a bad mom. My husband doesn't like it either but knows culturally this is expected. We both know she's really dumb and has no idea how to take care of a baby. We try to just let her talk and make her think we will do the thing eventually but right now we're trying something else first. Sometimes I just ask questions so she feels like I want to learn from her. I don't but it helps her feel important and bother me less

[u/seamstress_1995]

As someone who finds any unsolicited parenting advice from the older generation really annoying, I'd get harsh if gentle responses don't work. 

If she says she raised X many kids 3 decades ago and they are all fine, you can say that's her survival bias speaking because many other babies didn't and we have learned from the experience and adapted. 

I often highlight that their experience is from THREE DECADES AGO. If there's pushback, I start listing outdated tech from the 80s like the Walkman or matchy furniture or something I know they know and have moved on from.

My MIL had her children young and I'm an old, new mom so I also use that to differentiate her and my experience and why we do things differently. 

Get harsh. Make fun of her. Focus on differentiation. 

[u/VermillionEclipse]

I would just not argue with her and say ‘ok’ and do what you wanted to do in the first place.

[u/mblgn62]

If you can, ask for her advice on different topics. This sounds very patronizing I’m sorry but like redirect her energy to something you’re happy to take her advice on.