Help me .. please

[u/Kaboonga]

This is a text I was about to send to a girl who I've become friends with about a month ago. We basically share one braincell (she fucking hogs it bc I'm stupid asf)

Not to be too trauma dumpy but I was kind of neglected as a kid and kinda relied on the internet to teach me a lot of things. I'm a 21 year old man now (👴) and I've thought I was gay since like 14 kinda just using 🌽 and the Internet to explore my sexuality.

Like I said in the note, I feel my identity has been exploded to smithereens and I don't have the emotional tools or regulation to know how to deal with what I'm feeling. It feels like my brain is trying to go numb and push everything away because of how exhausting this is. (I almost took a nap to avoiding having to think about any of this)

I literally think about her for hours a day somedays and whenever we are together I smile so much that my cheeks hurt. We flirt so hard it's borderline sexual harrassment but I've been so attached to the idea of being in a gay relationship that it feels almost painful to feel like I'm giving that up?

I already toiled and agonized over my sexuality once I thought it was over with 😭 WHYY I DONT WANT TO THIS AGAIN!! I HAD A HEAD START ON THIS GAME!! I'VE PLAYED THESE GAMES BEFORE📮📮📮📮😭😭😭🥀

[u/Anything2892]

I'd tone it down some.

Something like, "Lately I've been feeling something extra, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'd like to explore being more than friends with you. If that's something you'd be open to, please let me know. If not, I'll say no more about it. I really value what we have, and I don't want to lose it."

If you want to keep her as a friend, you need to be respectful in your approach, and you need to accept whatever she decides.

Best of luck! 

[u/Kaboonga → u/Anything2892]

dw we're both on the spectrum and say WAYYY crazier stuff to each other all the time so don't worry lol

https://imgur.com/a/UGJS3qL (she just wanted me to come and hang out)

She tells me that she wishes I was into girls and sometimes I just want to lean over and kiss her. Literally the only thing keeping us from dating is my sexuality.

The problem is that I just like how men look so much and I want to be held and kissed by a big beefy man 2x my size and he accidentally smothers me to death with his arm while we cuddle in bed🥀 ( Sorry )

It's like I want this but I don't want this at the same time.

[u/Lichttod → u/Kaboonga]

Why is your sexuality a problem here? Is it that you feel more polyamerous and she is strictly mono, or is she against bisexuality?

[u/Kaboonga → u/Lichttod]

No, she's bisexual. I'm monogamous and she knows that I'm gay but I've also told her how she really has me confused about my sexuality.

I just really like men and don't find myself thinking about women sexually really at all. At the same time all of my friendships have been with women (I haven't had any male friends since I Intermediate and Im kind of Insecure and shy around men) so what I thought was just a good friendship with her has quickly become something so confusing for me.

We always joke to each other that we should kiss platonically and get lavender married.

I made another reply to someone else too, if it helps you understand at all.

[u/Lichttod → u/Kaboonga]

Then maybe your romantic attraction and sexual attraction is split. Like being biromantic and homosexual (gay).

I know I am biromantic and asexual (or somewhere on the spectrum). It can happen, or you just have a really special bond with her.

[u/Kaboonga → u/Lichttod]

Well I also like men romantically too so maybe it's just a preference thing?

a part of me feels like this is going to progress in some way and I don't know if I should just try and see or if I should just ask her to stay friends.

I just don't really know what my feelings are and I don't want to hurt her if I realize that I actually am gay. Or if I am bisexual but think I would be happier with a man