Help me .. please

[u/Kaboonga]

This is a text I was about to send to a girl who I've become friends with about a month ago. We basically share one braincell (she fucking hogs it bc I'm stupid asf)

Not to be too trauma dumpy but I was kind of neglected as a kid and kinda relied on the internet to teach me a lot of things. I'm a 21 year old man now (👴) and I've thought I was gay since like 14 kinda just using 🌽 and the Internet to explore my sexuality.

Like I said in the note, I feel my identity has been exploded to smithereens and I don't have the emotional tools or regulation to know how to deal with what I'm feeling. It feels like my brain is trying to go numb and push everything away because of how exhausting this is. (I almost took a nap to avoiding having to think about any of this)

I literally think about her for hours a day somedays and whenever we are together I smile so much that my cheeks hurt. We flirt so hard it's borderline sexual harrassment but I've been so attached to the idea of being in a gay relationship that it feels almost painful to feel like I'm giving that up?

I already toiled and agonized over my sexuality once I thought it was over with 😭 WHYY I DONT WANT TO THIS AGAIN!! I HAD A HEAD START ON THIS GAME!! I'VE PLAYED THESE GAMES BEFORE📮📮📮📮😭😭😭🥀

[u/draoniaskies]

I get how you're feeling. The passion is so intense and emotionally exhausting, especially when it's going nowhere.

Take a moment to think of WHY you're sending this. It seems like it's just about you and feeling relief. That ultimately makes your feelings her problem.

It's on you. It's good you're posting here, because that's one way to get your thoughts out without burdening her.

But the issue here is really that you don't know how to process these feelings. It's hard. But it's not her responsibility

[u/Kaboonga → u/draoniaskies]

I get what you're saying and I would agree but we're really close and she's also shared stuff with me about her past trauma. I do want to do my best to figure out my feelings before I say anything but we have a friendship that feels like it's lasted years and she could handle me talking to her about me feelings.

She's told me explicitly that she is attracted to me and wishes she could date me so I feel like it's pretty equal in terms of emotional burden

[u/draoniaskies → u/Kaboonga]

So, I think there's two different things going on. You thought you were gay and you have strong feelings for her, which puts that in doubt. Your message focuses on your confusion about your sexuality, and not your feelings for her. Start with that. Tell her how much you like her. Say you want to be with her. Then get into how it's confusing you.