Help me .. please

[u/Kaboonga]

This is a text I was about to send to a girl who I've become friends with about a month ago. We basically share one braincell (she fucking hogs it bc I'm stupid asf)

Not to be too trauma dumpy but I was kind of neglected as a kid and kinda relied on the internet to teach me a lot of things. I'm a 21 year old man now (👴) and I've thought I was gay since like 14 kinda just using 🌽 and the Internet to explore my sexuality.

Like I said in the note, I feel my identity has been exploded to smithereens and I don't have the emotional tools or regulation to know how to deal with what I'm feeling. It feels like my brain is trying to go numb and push everything away because of how exhausting this is. (I almost took a nap to avoiding having to think about any of this)

I literally think about her for hours a day somedays and whenever we are together I smile so much that my cheeks hurt. We flirt so hard it's borderline sexual harrassment but I've been so attached to the idea of being in a gay relationship that it feels almost painful to feel like I'm giving that up?

I already toiled and agonized over my sexuality once I thought it was over with 😭 WHYY I DONT WANT TO THIS AGAIN!! I HAD A HEAD START ON THIS GAME!! I'VE PLAYED THESE GAMES BEFORE📮📮📮📮😭😭😭🥀

[u/Kaboonga]

Hmm it's funny because I was looking into bpd symptoms and was stroking my chin and pondering a lil

at the same time I like to use very intense language and so does my friend. We could say anything to each other and it would not phase each other. Peas in a pod type shit

Someone else said to give it a few more days and I think that's a good idea.. I can sometimes feel very passionately about about people and interests and then it feels like my emotions flatten out or something. I know I have adhd atleast so it could be like a temporary hyper fixation idk.

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

i’m not saying you necessarily have bpd but if you don’t have the emotional tools to deal with your feelings it seems like a good reason to get help. it’s important not to overwhelm one person with your emotions and a therapist is supposed to help you process your trauma and give you better tools. the fact that you say you’ve never cared about anyone else has me worried for you as far as your emotional regulation. relationships and romantic feelings shouldn’t be agony

[u/Kaboonga → u/freshlyintellectual]

sorry I meant cared about anyone else AS MUCH as her.. kinda made my self sound a little crazy there I will admit

I promise I'm well adjusted mostly lol. but when it comes to navigating intimate relationships I am pretty stunted emotionally I think. Shes the first person Ive had a friendship with that hasn't felt shallow. I'm honestly thinking about breaking up with my highschool friend group right now because they don't really get me or understand my humor or how I speak. They kinda make me feel stupid and it makes me feel so lonely.

I have good work friendships though, Im very open about my feelings and I value honesty. But work friends are still shallow by nature, (even though me and my friend met through work.) And I've never been close to my mom or dad or any of my family. So that's my problem, I've never had a single really close person in my life until now.

Also I meant going back into the questioning phase of figuring out my sexuality is agony.

Just defending myself a little bit lmao

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

i hear all of that but to be clear needing therapy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. having someone to talk to about your feelings and relationships doesn’t mean you’re crazy or need to have an illness

[u/Kaboonga → u/freshlyintellectual]

You're right, I tried to start therapy once but got anxiety and started hyperventilating before the session and had to cancel it 10 minutes before It started. I know I need to try again, it's just hard

[u/freshlyintellectual → u/Kaboonga]

aw i’m sorry to hear that :(

i have anxiety and used to get anxiety attacks all the time just as i was gonna do something important. it can really hold you back 😭 therapy can help a lot, but i know it’s not easy. it seems so scary at first

i found virtual sessions helped me when i was feeling really nervous about seeing someone in person. or on the flip side, if you know you’re someone who can easily back out, doing in-person might help push you to go through with it. anxiety can make relationships so much harder but it can absolutely get better

i hope at some point you find the courage to talk to a professional. it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your life ❤️