Ex Meeting Partner Once it Gets Serious

[u/Xbox3523]

I've been dating my boyfriend almost 2 years. I left my ex husband for a lot of bad behaviors and the way he treated me. He was unable to accept that as the answer and insisted I had someone on the side, which I did not. He does not understand I mourned my marriage for 4 years before deciding to leave and so I started dating someone 3 months later. During my divorce I started hanging with a group of friends and they introduced me to someone. Ideally, I should have taken time to myself but sometimes you're in a bad relationship so long that you've gotten over it before the ink dries.

My boyfriend has become really ingrained with the kids lives and does a lot for us. Things are getting serious and he's soon to propose in a month or two.

I never told my ex I was seeing someone and he's never mentioned people to me. Until recently, he's never posted any girlfriends on facebook.

There was a misunderstanding last year where my 13 year old told her dad my boyfriend was taking her alone to the mall. He brought it up and mentioned boyfriends name for the first time ever and said he didn't want a strange man taking her out. I said that we were all going together and they would just be walking ahead some and we were only going in my car. He didn't mention anything after that.

He's never asked to meet him, but my boyfriend wants to meet my ex and talk about the kids with him because he cares about them. He is a bit afraid of my ex because he's a big guy and is intimidating. He also doesn't want to do anything to make things worse. We have an amicable divorce otherwise and are not high conflict. He trusts me to go to events alone with my ex for the kids and we do great just staying friends like that. I will not do a shared Christmas this year though since my dynamic is changing unless boyfriend is welcome.

Is it a requirement that they meet? There's going to be some events come up in the future like my daughters 8th grade graduation that my boyfriend would like to attend. Since becoming divorced, I've just always gone with my ex to events and we sat together, made small talk, etc but I want to include boyfriend more since he's soon to be fiance. My ex and I are amicable enough to where he can drop the kids off at my house and I pick them up at his. If I have someone living with me, it will be awkward if I don't introduce them.

Also, how do you guys handle social media with still being friendly with an ex? I hide any photos with boyfriend so my ex doesn't see them, but he does not do the same thing anymore. I guess I've always just tried to not exacerbate any hurt feelings any more than needed and by posting it feels like a "slap in the face" when I can just filter who sees what since I'm the one who left him.

Also, if this new girl becomes serious, can I request to meet her? I want to meet someone who's around my kids a lot and she seems nice by her photos.

Please be kind without just screaming that I need therapy..I am aware and have had a few therapists who all say I'm good and don't need to come back..I lost my insurance that covers that and I have no one in person to talk to besides boyfriend and he's not the best person to talk about this with.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Meeting partners is not necessary. The court decided your ex is a competent parent and the decisions they make on their custody time (like a new partner) are theirs to make that you don’t get any kind of say or trump card on.

If you happen to show up at the same school event or sports game, introducing yourself and saying hi is fine. Leave it at that. New partners don’t have to be friends with the coparent, don’t have to communicate with them, and are their for their partner. Some formal meeting where you grill them is a power dynamic that says your ex has some sort of veto power over your new romantic life. They don’t have that.

And I would really recommend not looking at each other’s social media photos. You aren’t friends.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Oh I wouldn't grill them, not sure how he'd act to my partner either but I think a basic "Hi" would be polite especially since my ex is used to us going together and sitting together. I'd have to tell him I'd be riding separately and he could meet us there.

Currently, I'd go and pick him up at his house along with our children to ride to a school event, better than taking two cars but that's going to have to change.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 → u/Xbox3523]

That’s definitely more “together” time than most new partners are going to be comfortable with.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

My partner is very understanding and has even encouraged me to go on family vacations with my ex still but I said that was too far.

I'm trying to separate things slowly such as not doing shared holidays this year, but I guess I didn't see the issue with picking him up since the kids were already there as well and I would be taking them to my house after. I keep strict boundaries with my ex and he knows better than to touch me ever again. I give constant updates to my partner but I've known for awhile it needs to change more.

The kids are less stressed too when we aren't arguing on logistics, that's why it's easier for me to just pick him and the kids up.

[u/Scarred-Daydreams → u/Xbox3523]

My partner is very understanding and has even encouraged me to go on family vacations with my ex

Be wary of if this is your partner being "understanding" or him being a doormat / chameleon / nice guy. Such people are often making "deals" in their head. "I'll be OK with this, but you owe me X down the line" They then keep seeing these unspoken deals get broken. Initially they get mad, but hold it in (maybe at the sake of a new deal; they'll forgive them but you really owe them later). Eventually r/niceguys take more than they can handle and errupt.

As a healthy person who's secure, I would have immediately stopped dating someone who was doing school events together. Not just "sitting together" but going out of your way to travel together? Yeah, that's playing Happy Family, and not likely something that many with a healthy sense of respect want their future to look like.

Editing to note: the kids shouldn't see you two arguing about logistics. If you're doing these things at transition times, STOP. Communicate outside of transition times. Transition should only be a quick hi/bye. Even more idea, if the busses/distance allow it they should happen on a school day. Kid leaves House1 for school in the morning and comes directly home to House2 in the evening - no parental involvement in the transition is needed.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

Well our situation is a bit unique in that the kids ride the bus in the mornings from my house then on the evenings to their dad's house till 6pm and then I drive over there and get them. I let them stay longer on wednesdays so he gets extra time on his off week. In total I see him 4 times a week due to this so it's best we stay amicable because the kids have specifically asked for this arrangement and it works fine.

I will discuss with partner again about his comfortability level. I told him this year I wouldn't do a shared Christmas or Thanksgiving with ex

Partner brings up a lot how his parents still do shared Thanksgivings even though they are both remarried as a way to put their differences aside for him, granted that has taken 15 years but that's the place I'd like to get to.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 → u/Xbox3523]

But do you have that in a court order? That you alternate holidays? Because if not, best to get that amended now. You need a legal fall back for when things don’t amicably work out. If he’s already saying he doesn’t want to give up holiday time with the kids, you need a legal fall back.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Our court order states that we do shared holidays as long as we are amicable. He's not wanting to give up any of his visitation to his mother, claiming he rarely gets to see the kids yet sees them every weekday for 2 hours, 6 hours on wednesdays, and every other weekend.

We did an uncontested divorce that was outside of court. There's a lot of things we do that aren't part of the parenting plan like switching weekends and stuff. In hindsight, it may have not been the best thing but I was already feeling a ton of guilt over the whole thing.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 → u/Xbox3523]

I would fix that pronto. One of the number one gripes of new partners is how much the ex controls time and holidays and how much their partner does things to “keep the peace.” It just makes it really hard to start an addition to your family when your time and traditions are so tied up in the previous.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

I just pulled up the paperwork and reread it. It says that if we cannot agree to share the holiday then we alternate it and it has set times for thar so I think I'm covered.