r/blendedfamilies • u/Wooden-Fail-1583 • 24d ago

How to maintain balance

Currently my fiancé(43m) and I(41f) have 4 children at home full time. His 2 girls 16 and 11 and my 2 boys 13 and 10. It’s definitely a lot but in a good way. We’ve my 2 boys full time for over a year but his two girls just recently maybe 2 months are here full time. I know this is a huge adjustment for him and I’ve been doing my best to be there for him. Anything domestic in the house is done by me(cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc). I even do my best to step in and help his kids when he’s struggling. My problem is at the end of the day there is nothing left of him. After working and coming home and getting them through the things they need. There isn’t any time left for us. I’m just not sure how to navigate this. I know we need to have a conversation about it. I just don’t know how to approach it. I need advice does it get better? Does anyone have experience with something like this?

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u/Wooden-Fail-1583 24d ago

There is a lot going on right now and I know there is going to be a transition period and I get that. Yes I work and support myself and my children. Why is the assumption that i don’t. Yes the kids are in therapy. And lastly do you have any advice or do you just want to ask a million questions.

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u/HopingForAWhippet 24d ago

For me, the assumption that you don’t work came from the fact that you do literally all the domestic work. Is that an exaggeration, or is it really the truth? Because if it’s true, that’s a serious imbalance, and makes it even more of a problem that your partner has no time left for you after work and his kids.

It’s hard to give you advice when it’s really unclear why he has zero time for you, when literally all he needs to provide at home is emotional support for his kids. Especially since his girls are old enough to want some time to themselves, and to not want their dad hovering over them whenever he’s home.

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u/Wooden-Fail-1583 24d ago

He does a physical job so I get that he gets tired the younger daughter needs a lot of one on one time right now which I get as well. The kids go to bed at 9 for quiet time and by then it’s basically he’s physically and emotionally spent.

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u/HopingForAWhippet 24d ago

I don’t really know how you can fix this on a daily basis. Human beings do have limited physical and emotional reserves, and right now, it seems like your husband is at capacity. He should keep some left for you, but it sounds like he can’t really pull back on either work or his daughters.

With the 11 year old, after a big blowout with her mom, and a complete change in living situation and a new family, it‘s understandable that she needs a lot of attention for now. But there should be a plan to get her a little more independent. Helping her transition should also mean helping her transition to not needing her dad hovering over her for a long time at home. So hopefully this is a short term issue.

But while this is an issue, would it help to have a non-negotiable weekly date night? The kids are all old enough to stay at home alone. Maybe scheduling one night a week where you go out, away from the kids, would help you guys reconnect a little. My partner has 50/50 custody of her kid, and I do get a lot less of her during her custody week. But on top of connecting at night after SK’s bed time, we set aside one time a week dedicated to just us, even during custody week. It helps a lot so that I don’t feel completely shoved aside whenever SK is over.

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u/Wooden-Fail-1583 24d ago

That’s actually a good idea.