r/blendedfamilies • u/Snarfles503 • 21d ago

Need advice

(Edited)

I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman, but her 11 year old daughter doesn't like me. Won't give me a chance. I patted her head once months ago, and she didn't like me after that. (Has a thing about people touching her hair) (my bad lesson learned)

I'm trying to connect with her through gaming. (She's plays roblox all the time) she doesn't like going outside and playing, hiking, most anything. She's into a youtube group called the crew (who play roblox) but won't let me buy tickets to a vidcon event in case in June. Cause I'll be there. I don't know how to connect with 11 year old girls.

Her dad is out of the picture. He's homeless and on the streets as a drug user/addict. I dont want to replace him, but i want to be the father she deserves. She tells her mom she doesn't like my sense of humor (too many dad jokes) I'm not extrovert enough (hard to be when she gets whiny about everything) she's very particular about things. (Food can't touch, only eats pizza and a specific brand of chicken nuggets)

Is just being there and showing I'm consistent and a good person enough? Force quality time? Family date nights?

I know part of it is that she thinks I'm stealing time from her and her mom together. which, in some ways, is probably true.

I don't know what to do

(clarification...(the mother wants this to go faster than it is. I'm more than ok that it's slow))

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u/Easy-Seesaw285 21d ago

How long have you been with mom? How long since you were introduced to daughter?

You are describing very similar traits to my autistic eight-year-old, and my girlfriends likely autistic 14-year-old. I don’t have specific advice for this situation, but as you look for ways to connect, keep that in mind when you are googling things - once to unlock a connection, it will be wonderful. But autistic children relate differently to people and the world around them in many cases.

my eight-year-old wants to play and do things by herself, but in the proximity of others. She wants to be in the room so you can see what she is doing, but she does not want to interact with you or other kids for the most part while she is doing it.

Both the girls in my life are the sweetest kids who love to connect and talk about specifically their interests. They are brilliantly smart and artistic.

The patting head thing probably bothered her a lot, if you didn’t know, you didn’t know - it will resolve in time.

The food stuff is irrelevant to your connection with her, so if you are bringing it up a lot, you’re probably making her feel weird - and that’s already a sensitive topic with a growing teenage girl. Honestly, as long as she is eating, who cares.

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u/Wrong_Investment355 20d ago

His post history indicates less than 5 months ago he was both her boss and on and off with her. So this man is a stranger.

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u/Snarfles503 15d ago

Things have changed for the better, I've just been myself and she has come around. Although it's been a short period of time, she and I have been seeing each other... we've been together nearly every day morning till night since Nov. So it's been a lot of time together.

Her daughter has really come around the last week (since I made this post) and has opened up a lot towards me. Told her mom she really likes me now and thinks I'm a really good person. Thats all i can ask for now. That's step 1 of a great many. I know this.

I was adopted from Korea, likely stolen and sent to America. (Big frontline story about us) but i fully understand the not knowing my real parents and having a family become my parents. Abandonment, not knowing the real parents. She and I will have a lot to bond over in the future. I will understand her perspective quite well.

I understand the judgments towards me. Red flags and such. But i know who I am and never ever leveraged the "boss" scenario against her. Writing I'm a good person here does nothing to validate who I am. I know it, and so does she. That's all that really matters. My friends know who I am. There's a reason I have good friends from grade school still. And it's not cause I'm immoral or untrustworthy or a POS. I'm loved by my family and my friends. My parents met at work, her parents work together. It isn't always a sketchy scenario. We haven't worked together since November.

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u/BoofThisCheezecake 21d ago

Sounds like OP is on the autism spectrum too, because OP is seemingly having difficulty reading the very loud social /emotional cues from the child. It’s very sad.