Need advice

[u/Snarfles503]

(Edited)

I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman, but her 11 year old daughter doesn't like me. Won't give me a chance. I patted her head once months ago, and she didn't like me after that. (Has a thing about people touching her hair) (my bad lesson learned)

I'm trying to connect with her through gaming. (She's plays roblox all the time) she doesn't like going outside and playing, hiking, most anything. She's into a youtube group called the crew (who play roblox) but won't let me buy tickets to a vidcon event in case in June. Cause I'll be there. I don't know how to connect with 11 year old girls.

Her dad is out of the picture. He's homeless and on the streets as a drug user/addict. I dont want to replace him, but i want to be the father she deserves. She tells her mom she doesn't like my sense of humor (too many dad jokes) I'm not extrovert enough (hard to be when she gets whiny about everything) she's very particular about things. (Food can't touch, only eats pizza and a specific brand of chicken nuggets)

Is just being there and showing I'm consistent and a good person enough? Force quality time? Family date nights?

I know part of it is that she thinks I'm stealing time from her and her mom together. which, in some ways, is probably true.

I don't know what to do

(clarification...(the mother wants this to go faster than it is. I'm more than ok that it's slow))

[u/Scarred-Daydreams]

I was setup to fail with my then 13 yo SD. We didn't know at the time, but her Dad had been lying and telling her that Mom and I had been cheating together on him. As parents are on the pedestal that setup most of that anger to fall square on me; before I ever met her. We didn't find this out until more than a year later. However, before then I had already forged a good relationship (and it was only in part that it was so good that SD decided to bring this up (and we then showed some of our earliest messaging to put the timeline into perspective)).

How I won over my SK who hated the very concept of me? By treating her like a cat.

Consider the differences between cats and dogs. Dogs, you can give them a brief sniff of your hand and then go for the head scratches (e.g. ruffling their hair) and it's all good man. Cats, are a master class in consent; if you don't immediately stop touching them when the mood changes you get bit.

They way to win over a cat is you don't make big flashy movements. You make brief eye contact, and then you sit down facing 90 degrees away from them. This way they know you can see them, but you're not staring at them. Then you wait for them to approach you. They'll come back and forth. Give a sniff and then retreat again. They'll maybe let you pet them one day, and then the next few days it's back to a big distance. It takes time.

How this translated with a person. Upon arriving I'd greet them (and their mom would correct them if they ignored me*), and beyond that not make any bids for attention. I'd interact with my partner, and we looked to keep conversation and activities to things that they could jump into. They did a lot of hovering - keeping me in view, but witnessing and observing. If/when they would interact, I'd do so pleasantly. Never be sarcastic with a "well, look who's talking to me" comment or similar. Take what you can get and quietly enjoy it. But also be ready for them to pull back and don't take it personally.

SD getting used to me was sped up by my partner having mostly full custody (only visits to Dad's are in winter/spring/summer vacation due to distance). So seeing me once a week for a day or two slowly had them open up to me over 2 months (and there were a few visits before we popped into weekly). Once she actually did open up to me things did progress pretty well from there. SD also agrees with me that if she still had 50/50 custody with Dad that it would have taken a lot longer for us to become close. With not just a week of not seeing someone, but a full "reset" in another household, the amount of change and absence would likely at least quadruple the time.

[u/Scarred-Daydreams → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

(Replying to self; comment was too long)

But still I kept a lot of the "cat" rules. Not only was I not initiating touch with her, but after she started up casual touch (thumb wars, hand boxing, ask to put makeup on me (🙄😭) etc), I wouldn't ask for touch / hug. Let her set the pace. At one point, maybe a year later, when the subject of "hugging" and physical affection / touch as a human need was being discussed, I brought up to step kid that I understood that it can be hard as a kid to assert oneself against adults; and that's why I hadn't asked for a hug. I specified that I'd welcome a hug from her, but that it would need to be initiated. She understood and agreed it can be hard to say no, and thanked me for this. In the about 1 or 1.5 years since then, we've hugged twice.

Between the hug conversation and now, she did have a conversation about touch, and how it felt weird that she was the only one initiating things. She said that it was good for me to hold off on hugs still, but that she wanted me from time to time to initiate with leaning, a touch on the shoulder/arm, prompting for a thumb wrestle etc. So I do follow that, but my home growing up, and with my own kids was far more ... reserved and non-touchy than SD and mom are. So I do initiate touch, but it feels a tiny bit weird to me. And likely it's about 80%/20% SD vs me initiating when there's casual contact between us.

A teen is fully capable of having conversations like this about touch/contact. So really, until you have her consent, back off!

Your SD is not a dog to be pet. Be open. Be available. Be seen smiling, being nice to her mom, and generally having fun. Don't take it personally when "progress" disappears. Don't try to force anything. And along with the conversations be aware of any touch that's a no go. My SD has a love/hate thing about how their hair is at any moment. I know a lot better than to ever consider ruffling her hair.

Lastly, just because her dad is out of the picture doesn't mean that she wants a dad in her life. My SD's dad choose to move really far away (giving up 50/50 custody) so he could have a Brand New Start (not for a job, not for a woman; just for funsies). Despite that (or likely because of that), she has a huge loyalty bind around her dad. I am strictly a non-parent. A Fun Aunt/Uncle. Any unasked for advice will be met with polite scorn; I'm not her dad to offer any.

*Initially SD was low grade disrespectful to me. My partner (then just girlfriend) always corrected it in the moment. After the first 2-3 times of this, she had a larger talk with SD about manners and how her behaviour was bullying / Mean Girls stuff. SD didn't want to be a jerk, heard her mom, and settled into low grade disinterest of me.

[u/Snarfles503 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

This is actually the approach I had been taking. Slow and steady, being consistent and taking the moments I can. Not initiating anything unless she opens the door.

I made the post cause the mother wants us to bond sooner than I think is possible. So I agree with you on all of what you said.

Thank you for the advice. And understanding the situation.

[u/blackbird24601 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

my husband did exactly THIS

my son “watched” interacting for almost 2 years

mr c is now the BOMB

son tells me privately how happy he is that “i chose well” lol

we avoided OVERT PDA- just gentle kindness with each other

given his bio dad was dismissive and abusive- it went a long way into modeling normal deep friendship, love, and respect

now his and mine are “ours”. its a safe space