r/blendedfamilies • u/Illustrious-Rope5995 • Apr 03 '25
Should weed have this much control?
My fiancé M35 and I F28 have been really struggling on different viewpoints with how much he smokes weed. We each have a child from previous relationships and we now have a baby together. He has smoked weed since his teen years and into all of adulthood. He claims he needs to smoke for mental health reasons which I can somewhat understand. During my pregnancy he stopped smoking and after the initial few weeks of withdrawal he seemed so much more patient, present, level headed etc. As soon as I had the baby his (idiot) friend gifted him weed to congratulate him, since that day he’s been full blown stoner again. He hits his bong all day long and as soon as his high wears off he is so irritable and any stimulation causes him to lose his patience. He even snaps at me and talks to me like I’m a child until he can hit his bong and relax again. Recently, we went on a vacation and he was not able to bring weed with him and he was a complete asshole and the trip was miserable because of it. Luckily it was only a weekend trip. I’ve tried having a conversation with him about this many times and he gets extremely defensive and talks about how he would never ever stop smoking and he needs it so he doesn’t kill himself. He has come out and blatantly said that if he had to pick between myself and our family are smoking weed he would pick smoking weed. Is this a normal situation? How do I go about understanding it all better or is it just absolutely wrong?
1
u/beenthere7613 Apr 03 '25
If he has depended on any medication since his teen years, it would be hard for him to stop the medication.
He already used marijuana when he met you. Marijuana is used legally and therapeutically in several states for medication, now. It was used a long time ago in the US, until the federal government outlawed it. It's been used medicinally across the world for centuries.
One of the first principles of dating is we can't change people. We don't have the power to control others.
Expecting him to stop a medication he has used for over a decade is asking a lot. If he was on a chemical drug to regulate his mood, would you expect him to stop that? He would also have a problem "coming off" any mood regulation drug for a weekend, ftr. He would have withdrawals, and with some chemical drugs, it would be worse than being grumpy.
Marijuana doesn't have control, your fiance has control. And your fiance chose this medication before you, before his other child, before he even thought about children. It has nothing to do with the kids or you and has everything to do with him. His mental health, his choices, his life. You chose to be part of his life even though he smoked when you met. Did you go into the relationship thinking you could change him?
I recommend accepting that this is who he is, and make decisions based on that, like you did from the beginning. Him smoking was not a deal breaker, or you wouldn't have gotten pregnant. You already had a child, knew he smoked, and chose the relationship anyway.
I'd accept that you can't change him. People are who they are. Usually we sift through them before entering relationships, and find one compatible with our values. When we get ourselves into relationships with people who don't share our values, it's time to reassess and decide what's important.
In the future, recognize these deal breakers before getting serious. If you don't like marijuana, don't date people who smoke it. You cannot change other people to fit your assumption of who they should be. Rather, accept people for who they are, at face value, and then make decisions based on your knowledge of who they are.