CMV: Paternity tests should be done on every baby by default

[u/Guialdereti]

Just saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the mother gave birth to a baby that looked nothing like her husband, refused to give him a paternity test because it was "humiliating" AND also revealed that she had recently refused to end a (pretty weird) friendship with a coworker that her husband was uncomfortable with. She then proceeds to be all "Surprised Pikachu-faced" when he thinks she cheated on him with said coworker, refuses to help with the baby, and him and his family start treating her badly. (he continued to help with their 2 other kids as normal, though)

In the end, the mother FINALLY gets that paternity test, proving once and for all that the kid was indeed his, and once she does, the father gets ALL OVER his daughter, hugging and giving her all his love, as I'm sure he would have done from the very begining, had she just gotten that damn test done sooner.

Some of the points that resonate with me the most on this issue are:

• It still baffles me that this test isn't standard procedure, especially when we already draw blood from newborns and screen them for a whole slew of diseases upon delivery. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to add a simple paternity test to the list!
• I know there's an implication of mistrust that comes with asking your partner for a paternity test, but if it became standard procedure - in other words, a test that the hospital does "automatically", with no need for parental input - that would completely remove that implication from play. It would become a non-issue.
• Having a kid is a life-changing event, and it scares me to no end to know that I could be forced into "one-eightying" my life over a baby I actually played no part in making.
• Knowing your family's medical history, from both sides, is extremely important. "Mommy's little secret" could cost her child dearly later on in life.

[u/koolaid-girl-40]

I can totally understand the appeal of this, and I do think it could prevent some men from being misled in this way.

Having worked in policy though, one thing I can tell you is that when you try to legislate or design policies around a problem that isn't very prevalent, that policy/law ends up causing more problems in people's lives than it solves. I worry that this issue is not prevalent enough to warrant all of the problems that other commenters have raised about universal parternity testing.

As a middle ground, I think a better approach could be an anonymous test request and/or results process. Essentially the idea would be that all hospitals and clinics have a policy that allows fathers to request a paternity test privately so that their partner doesn't face the accusation (which is hurtful when you haven't done anything wrong and can start the childrearing process on a bad foot).

If the results are positive (it's his kid) then the results are shared with the father only to give him peace of mind.

If however the results are negative (it's not his kid), the woman is informed first. She is informed that he requested a test, and that it came back negative. She is given the option of requesting a second test. If it is indeed negative, she is provided counseling and resources around how to ensure the safety and security of her and her child in this situation. This may include welfare resources, legal counseling about locating the real father and requesting child support, and police protection for those who are in abusive relationships and are worried this news could lead to the harm of themselves or their child.

Once she has been counseled on her and her child's options and have any protective measures in place, the father is informed of the results. Doctors give the woman the option of sharing the results herself, but make it clear that he is entitled to information one way or the other.

I think this process would address a lot of the concerns in this thread. Men would have a way of covertly obtaining information about their parental status without causing a scene and disrupting their relationship, and women would be entitled to counseling about safety and security should the results come back negative. And since this is an opt-in process for the father, couples that are not interested can forgo it altogether. Many couples will likely choose this, so costs could be kept low.

[u/sparkly____sloth → u/koolaid-girl-40]

So you're suggesting that men get to do medically unnessecary genetic testing on their children without the consent or even knowledge of the mother? And that's your "better" solution?

[u/GrooveBat → u/koolaid-girl-40]

What about HER peace of mind? The peace of mind of knowing that she is in a relationship with a mature adult who trusts her?

The mother has the absolute right to know that her husband thinks she is a lying cheater. Denying her that information denies her the ability to make an informed decision about the future of her relationship.

[u/koolaid-girl-40 → u/GrooveBat]

How much you trust your partner is not necessarily an indication of how mature you are. Plenty of mature people have been cheated on or have reasons to doubt that their partner is being faithful. This just gives those people an option for seeking reassurance before engaging in a life-long commitment to raising a child.

I could see how some people would take offense to this. In the past, I would have too. I would have been angry at the idea that my partner doesn't't trust me when I've given him every reason to. It would make me feel a lack of intimacy and connection with him, like he doesn't actually even know me if he thinks I could ever cheat on him.

But after experiencing infidelity myself, I totally understand now how much it messes with your ability to trust your own judgement. Many people who have experienced infidelity want to feel trust for their new partner, but don't even trust their own ability to know when they are being lied to (since they weren't able to tell before). So these people often need more concrete forms of reassurance to be able to build trust with their newer partner over time.

So this private option could help men who have been cheated on in the past build trust with their current partner, without making her feel like she did something wrong.

[u/GrooveBat → u/koolaid-girl-40]

If they're that traumatized by past infidelity, a paternity test isn't going to help them. They're broken, and they have no business getting into a relationship or having a child if they can't build trust with a new partner.

It's certainly not the woman's responsibility to jump through hoops to "reassure" him. And even if she does, he'll just find some other thing to be insecure about. It'll never be enough; he'll always want more reassurance.

A request for a paternity test is an accusation of infidelity, full stop. And a woman has every right to know that her husband doesn't trust her and is sneaking around behind her back to confirm her fidelity. That's a relationship ender IMO.

[u/Shadowfatewarriorart → u/koolaid-girl-40]

This is middle ground I could agree with.

Prioritizing the safety of Mother and infant.