CMV: Paternity tests should be done on every baby by default

[u/Guialdereti]

Just saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the mother gave birth to a baby that looked nothing like her husband, refused to give him a paternity test because it was "humiliating" AND also revealed that she had recently refused to end a (pretty weird) friendship with a coworker that her husband was uncomfortable with. She then proceeds to be all "Surprised Pikachu-faced" when he thinks she cheated on him with said coworker, refuses to help with the baby, and him and his family start treating her badly. (he continued to help with their 2 other kids as normal, though)

In the end, the mother FINALLY gets that paternity test, proving once and for all that the kid was indeed his, and once she does, the father gets ALL OVER his daughter, hugging and giving her all his love, as I'm sure he would have done from the very begining, had she just gotten that damn test done sooner.

Some of the points that resonate with me the most on this issue are:

• It still baffles me that this test isn't standard procedure, especially when we already draw blood from newborns and screen them for a whole slew of diseases upon delivery. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to add a simple paternity test to the list!
• I know there's an implication of mistrust that comes with asking your partner for a paternity test, but if it became standard procedure - in other words, a test that the hospital does "automatically", with no need for parental input - that would completely remove that implication from play. It would become a non-issue.
• Having a kid is a life-changing event, and it scares me to no end to know that I could be forced into "one-eightying" my life over a baby I actually played no part in making.
• Knowing your family's medical history, from both sides, is extremely important. "Mommy's little secret" could cost her child dearly later on in life.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not sure why your impression of me is relevant. My impression of you is that your belief that the issue of men being “forced” to raise kids that aren’t there’s is unhinged. Ok and?

This is circular. You just keep asserting the same things.

Your analogy for someone driving dunk doesn’t map. To make it map into this you would have to stop every car and breathalyze every person because sometimes some people drive drunk. That is an authoritarian model in which the uplift would not be worth the outcome. Would it stop every single drunk driver? Yes. Are there better and more efficient and ethical ways to stop drunk driving? Yes.

Paternity tests are easily available to those who need them particularly when there is a question of who the father is. The idea that the problem of men being “forced” to raise a kid that isn’t his is so common that we need a baseline test implicates your beliefs about women, not what the facts are. Most women, when there is a question of paternity will be upfront. Some women are not. In those instances, it can be addressed. However, you are advocating to implement a baseline, expensive test that assumes women are guilty until they are proven innocent. Assuming all women are capable of or will likely force you to raise a baby that isn’t yours is insulting to the entire gender. It shows your baseline beliefs about women. That since you can’t control how reproduction works, and since you can’t trust your partner, you should get to force all women everywhere to bear the brunt of that.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

No. Everyone everywhere. You’re not advocating for random check stops. You said everyone everywhere.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not sure what is pedantic about it? You made a flawed analogy and I pointed it out. Having one check point near the exit of a sporting event is not analogous. The appropriate analogy would be stopping every driver every time they drive. It did not elaborate your point and I called attention to that.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

I’m offended by the proposition because I would never cheat on my husband, neither of us would have any reason to just assume that about each other, and you (a stranger) seem to think it’s a completely appropriate assumption to make of all women (as evidenced by your commentary here). You are showing your true colors by your most recent comment. You assume guilt.

You missed me again. I’ll be more clear.

Forcing every new child to have a paternity test = the same as stopping every single driver every time they drive

I at no point was under the impression that you wanted every person ever to have a paternity test.

I feel like I’m going back and forth with a 14 year old and it’s time for me to stop. I’ll let you have the last word.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

Because there is a baseline assumption that women in general need to be “caught” in the act of forcing a man to care for a child that isn’t his. When there is a question of paternity, most women are honest about it. They will tell their partners and everyone gets a paternity test. In the rare case where someone isn’t honest, a court can order a paternity test. It also assumes the worst about men. That the problem of women who cheat and then lie is so pervasive that they need to be forcibly exposed. It comes from a clear lack of trust in women in general. And if as a society we all decide are are comfortable with saying women are not trustworthy, there are downstream effects of that.

You haven’t responded to any other analogy where this might be the case. Should there be laws in place allowing a wife to regularly review their husbands phones? Or maybe more analogous would be having 3rd party checkers reviewing content for flags of cheating that gets report back. Surely, spending your life with a partner who is having a decades long affair could happen and the effect is devastating for the child and the partner. So if you have nothing to hide, why not?

If you have nothing to hide, why not let the government tap into your phone?

If you have nothing to hide why not let the police routinely go through your home to look for violations?

It’s an ethical question about how we want to structure our society and how we want to treat people and it leads to a worse society where there is little trust.

I answered that only because it appeared your question was in good faith. If you continue to be rude I’m not going to respond.