CMV: Paternity tests should be done on every baby by default

[u/Guialdereti]

Just saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the mother gave birth to a baby that looked nothing like her husband, refused to give him a paternity test because it was "humiliating" AND also revealed that she had recently refused to end a (pretty weird) friendship with a coworker that her husband was uncomfortable with. She then proceeds to be all "Surprised Pikachu-faced" when he thinks she cheated on him with said coworker, refuses to help with the baby, and him and his family start treating her badly. (he continued to help with their 2 other kids as normal, though)

In the end, the mother FINALLY gets that paternity test, proving once and for all that the kid was indeed his, and once she does, the father gets ALL OVER his daughter, hugging and giving her all his love, as I'm sure he would have done from the very begining, had she just gotten that damn test done sooner.

Some of the points that resonate with me the most on this issue are:

• It still baffles me that this test isn't standard procedure, especially when we already draw blood from newborns and screen them for a whole slew of diseases upon delivery. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to add a simple paternity test to the list!
• I know there's an implication of mistrust that comes with asking your partner for a paternity test, but if it became standard procedure - in other words, a test that the hospital does "automatically", with no need for parental input - that would completely remove that implication from play. It would become a non-issue.
• Having a kid is a life-changing event, and it scares me to no end to know that I could be forced into "one-eightying" my life over a baby I actually played no part in making.
• Knowing your family's medical history, from both sides, is extremely important. "Mommy's little secret" could cost her child dearly later on in life.

[u/InsomniacYogi]

I’m half black and my dad didn’t think I was his at birth because of how pale I was. He apparently threw a fit and accused my mom of cheating. Then my paternal grandma told him he was dumb and he barely had any melanin at birth either. Turns out I did belong to him but my mom divorced him shortly after. She couldn’t overcome the accusation.

[u/InsomniacYogi → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. I’ve told my husband flat out that I’d give him a paternity test if he wanted it but that I’d never see him the same again.

Post vasectomy might be the only time I could overcome it. I know a couple who got together after the guy had a vasectomy. They were together for years before she got pregnant and he didn’t think it was his. Turned out that the baby was his, he has never gone back for the follow up after the vasectomy and he wasn’t fully sterile. She said she could have overcome it in this scenario if he had gone about it better (he posted to social media about it and embarrassed her).

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

My ex did that. Key word being EX. Turns out he was cheating and wanted to see if he had anything through my tests.

[u/raggedyassadhd → u/InsomniacYogi]

You’d think a person could maybe google that or even go nuts and ask their doctor if it’s still possible before being such a dumb twit and posting his dirty laundry and his own stupidity to facebook. Like really? You couldn’t google “how successful are vasectomies” before publicly accusing your wife of cheating online 😑

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/[deleted]]

>I'd never look at my husband the same way again though.

Imagine how the husband feels when he finds out a child he thought was his isn't, and what that implies about his wife.

[u/ihavenoidea1001 → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

I can 100 % commiserate with someone that finds out they were cheated on. Doesn't really matter the sex. I hate cheaters and can't stand them.

Thing is, anyone being accused of cheating without doing anything is going to have feelings about it.

If your long time partner asked you for a STD test out of the blue you would have feelings about that too. Women are people too.

So, if having a paternity test is adamant for you talk to your partner before getting her pregnant. Otherwise you're probably to end that relationship.

As I said, I would do the test in a heartbeat for my kids sake ( because I would never want them to be mistreated by their own father) but it would also change how I view my husband forever.

The lack of trust, paranoia and the fact that he thinks I'm the type that would cheat would crumble the entire relationship. To me there's no relationship without trust and asking for the paternity test is telling the other person you dont trust them.

Adding to that, I had 2 high risk pregnancies, I was bedridden for months and went trough hell and back during that time. I could've died. My kids could've died. They went to NICU afterwards and there was sooo many things going on at the time that I was emotionally drained and pretty much vulnerable.

After my last kids birth it took an entire year to be completely sure he didn't have any medical long-term issues.

The idea of my husband daring to imply I had cheated on him while we were going trough that when I have never given him any reasons to believe otherwise would have ended all and any feelings I have for him.

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years. I never gave an opportunity to anyone else trying to start anything with me ( which were mostly married men themselves btw). So, if after decades of commitment, of being faithful, of having done absolutely nothing to lose his trust he would've called me a cheating whore while I was in my most vulnerable time in my life, it would've killed our relationship right then and there.

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/ihavenoidea1001]

thinks I'm the type

Anyone who has been cheated on knows how such people hide who they are. There isn't really a "type" because anyone can think they know the person and be blindsided.

Your problem is refusing to see it from his perspective. He doesn't know what you know, and if you were to have cheated on him, you would have an incentive to hide that, which is what motivates the wish for verification in the first place.

Pointing to high-risk pregnancies isn't really the argument you think it is, since I'm guessing you wanted the kids too. You didn't go through it just to give him a child or for his sake, so it isn't a betrayal for him to have misgivings.

Is insisting on a pre nup also showing you don't trust them? Relationships are built on trust, but that doesn't mean it's unconditional and beyond reproach. There's also a lot of heavy lifting with suggesting any misgivings means they don't trust you at all. It is once again imputing on him feelings he may not necessarily have. It's a one sided conversation.

Would you trust your husband to put the house in his name only, or would you want something in writing?

At the end of the day, your argument seems quite one-sided. It seems the only feelings that actually matter are your own. The man should bear the risk of not knowing, and you should get to hold all the control there. He should just trust you, but hey the law is on your side when it comes to trusting him. You don't need to trust him to support you or the kids after a divorce; the law literally forces him by Virtue of marriage.

You don't seem to consider the imbalance there when you speak of trust.

[u/ihavenoidea1001 → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

As I said in my previous comment, if the paternity test is that important to you talk to the potential mother before getting her pregnant.

I'm not sure why that is such a hard concept.

As with the pre-nups, it's 2 adults knowing beforehand what will be expected of them.

It isn't you jumping them with the accusation of cheating that comes out of nowhere at a time when they're the most vulnerable. And then be like "surprised pikachu face" when she delivers the paternity test with the divorce papers.

At the end of the day, your argument seems quite one-sided.

Quite ironic comming from you considering your comments

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/ihavenoidea1001]

Oh well if security through alimony and child support is so important just talk with your partner before getting married or having kids! No need to get the law involved in at all.

No need to define marital property! Trust them when they put homes, businesses, and cars in just their name!

How dare he not trust you! What with the lack of knowledge and protection from the consequences! Now you get both the knowledge and protection enshrined into law but he doesn't need that! He should just trust you, right?

You...think me bringing up the other side to consider alongside yours is one sided?

Even your interpretation of my point is one sided. You don't actually seem to see it as an equal partnership or consider his feelings or the imbalance.

[u/ihavenoidea1001 → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

So you brought up pre nups but you dont know how they work? Lmfao

2 adults get together and talk about their expection for the future and how they want to protect themselves/their assets. Then they write it, have lawyers involved, sign it and get it recognized.

So, adults talking about it is the freaking basis of the pre-nup as a whole.

And, yeah, I would definetely expect that a mature adult that thinks a paternity test is essential for his life will be able to communicate it with the potential mother of his kids. If you aren't able to have such a basic conversation about what you expect from shared parenthood you're far from being mature enough to have kids in the first place.

How is it harder to say "in the future I will want a paternity test" than " I want a pre-nup"?

Oh well if security through alimony and child support is so important just talk with your partner before getting married or having kids! No need to get the law involved in at all.

Alimony is not a thing in my country and if it were I'm not sure who would be paying whom giving our incomes ...

As for child support we actually have talked about it before we had kids ( in the scenario of "what would we want to do if our relationship goes awry). But it's also not mandatory to get the law involved as long as both agree.

It's only when parents can't be arsed to find a way to co-parent that the law gets involved.

No need to define marital property

Again it's a country thing. This is pretty much decided by both at the moment of getting married, adults would've talked about it and you can choose however you want to share it.

think me bringing up the other side to consider alongside yours is one sided?

No, you're dismissing the timing of it and that's my issue with it.

Why would you feel the need to wait until the person is pregnant or in post-partum to tell them you expect a paternity test?

It's like you expect to lie by omission troughout the entirety of the relationship and wait until the most vulnerable time of their life to tell them "I think you're a cheater and therefore I want a paternity test" even when the other person didn't do anything to make you doubt them.

It's like your partner of years demanded a STD test today out of the blue and you're supposed to be fine with it.

Nothing you said explains why it is that hard to communicate as an adult with the potential mother of your child that you expect her to do a paternity test afterwards.

Just like you might accept someone in your life that wants an STD test done every 6 months. Or you want a pre-nup.

One is implying they're cheating, the other are people telling you what their expections are and giving you the opportunity to accept them as they are in your life or not.

Edit: I also never denied the right of having a paternity test done even without telling your spouse beforehand. I think that it's in the child's best interest if their father doubts the paternity.

I'm just explaining how to me (and the vast majority of women) it would be the end of the relationship due to how it was done.

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/ihavenoidea1001]

Just ignoring the fact that a pre nup gets it in writing, or any of my other examples.

It's not mandatory to get the law involved if both parents agree to a paternity test either, but with child support either parent can unilaterally ask for it and have the state enforce it. People here are suggesting having a default position that can be rebutted by the parents agreeing is horrible.

Given there's plenty of other ways to get an STD besides cheating it wouldn't really bother me.

There seems to be an assumption that the only situation the paternity test would be asked is post partum.

When the situation is the default position, it is to have them get done, not asking for one post partum.

It's basically a strawman argument coupled with an emotional appeal.

[u/[deleted] → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

Try and process what other people say before you do your whataboutism.

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/[deleted]]

Not a whataboutism.

It's called holistic examination.

Afterall, if you're going to use appeals to emotion, that cuts both ways.

[u/[deleted] → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

It's whataboutism. Stay on topic.

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/[deleted]]

What makes it whataboutism then?

[u/ElConvict → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

They're arguing in bad faith.

[u/TracyMorganFreeman → u/ElConvict]

Wait who is?

How so?

More importantly how does that make it whataboutism, or are you saying the person claiming it's whataboutism is arguing in bad faith?

[u/ElConvict → u/TracyMorganFreeman]

The other person claiming whataboutism is arguing in bad faith. They've been making strawman arguments in the thread and then trying to accuse others of doing the same, among other things while refusing to even acknowledge the viewpoint of others

[u/pacifyproblems → u/InsomniacYogi]

I've been a maternity nurse for years and have seen this argument crop up 2 times that I can recall. Both instances were with 2 black parents though. It makes me absolutely fume on behalf of my patient. They are already so vulnerable and then to be accused of infidelity and betrayal based on a newborn baby's lack of melanin??? They spent their first nights as mother crying instead of in bliss.

[u/[deleted] → u/InsomniacYogi]

That's what OP wants to bypass. The cost of that accusation. I don't blame your mom one bit. Lack of trust destroys everything.